You ruined me.

You destructed me.

Undid me.

And I bet you smiled as you slowly inhaled the ****** scent of the scratches on  my heart. I bet you spun around in joy at the scathing remarks you sent my way. I bet you did. I don't even wonder if you planned it all, I know you did. You consciously made the choice to ruin me time and time again.

Now I'm in this mess because of you. I fell in love with hard to get; hard to understand as well. I don't care if you care, I care that I hurt. I care, at least I care, about me.

Only you could have planted a seed so deep in me and then never tell me about it. Only you could've put banter so deep in my heart that I would barely understand that banter is wrong. Banter is hurt.
But due to you, it feels like love.
To be honest, I cannot count how many times that seed has ripped open my heart with its growing roots, or pierced it with the numerous small thorns on the stem. It must have been countless times, because banter is hate and hate is the love of hate and all dark sides to the moon, not the white love of the unknown. But I never understood that. And it was you.
You who did this to me.
I could tell you tales that would harrow your soul, but I guess I will leave it at this:

                        You ripped my heart out
                        Your blackened tongue burnt my soul
                        You destroyed any hope of loving I had
                        You chased all my feelings and cut me off
                        You dragged all my hopes into the dark
                                        and I hope
                          I hope you are happy

I hope you are happy, knowing that that seed inside me has bloomed, and that it probably will remain like that forever.
I hope you are happy, after having squeezed all the love out my soul and the words out my heart.
I hope you are.

You**

There are eyes that are more captivating, but your eyes have got those specks and freckles in it that come with being you. There are lips prettier than yours, but they don’t have the same attractive person behind it, the same rough voice or the cute dimples.

There are girls who would hear a louder heartbeat whenever someone looks at them. But when you look at me, there are drums in my heart when your eyes meet mine. And trust me, I don’t hear drums a lot. There are words that could probably describe better how you play with my heartstrings. Words that describe how you are the thunderstorm I get stuck in and hit by lightning just because you touch me in the tiniest way. A lignting bolt that travels through me with the light of speed and causes my heart to
jump up, drop dead and jump again

You are the falling snow I hate to walk through but love to play in.

There are words that describe you much better than mine, though, because I don’t do you any justice.

To me you are bubbles, laughter, my friends all in one room, someone blowing smoke rings and swallows in the sky. You are like my cup of coffee in the morning: the first thing I want to see. You are the voice that softly wakes me up instead of the shrill alarm clock. You are that feeling I get when I doze and realize I'm are halfway into sleep. You are the soothing warmth coming over me when I’m panicked and they tell me it’s going to be okay.

You are my dance and my groove, you are the bass that makes my ribcage move to your beat. You are the sunlight on a day it’s been pouring. You are the yellow car between all the black ones. You are the black and whites I see and all the different colors you paint my views. You are like that one red skittle that I want when there’s none leftover.

But I don’t mind.

I don’t mind at all.

Love.

Love is what makes me think about you opening up, hugs, calls, reactions.
It reminds me of songs, of looks, of actions.
It creates the memories of you walking in to talk, laugh, smile and other distractions.
But it also makes me remember the shenanigans and how hateful you can be.
How fast you could leave the room after I finished my tea.
Love recalls the touch of your hands and how you danced in the kitchen with me.
And how fast we got closer and how we insulted each other playfully.
But it also remembers how you can sit and make me feel like I have no chance.
It remembers the metre between us on the bed and during the dance.

For Love Is Cruel.

It does not care or mind if it is mutual and it has no preference for a type of person in this huge crowd.
It minds not whose heart will be ****** into the fire, nor how long it took to heal before, if  it is suddenly allowed.
There is even carelessness in treating the reopened wounds after ripping bandages off the heart.
Not a single **** in the world could be given if the heart is barely able to beat on its own or will fall apart.

Because Love Hurts.
And the mind knows.

Don’t talk to me
Right now
don’t say
I can’t laugh
don’t say
I hate people

I can’t stand you
’cause, you know,
It’s all right
It’s gonna be all right
I know
it’s gonna be all right

Don’t say those things
right now
maybe you’ll understand
it’ll be all right
you’re gonna be
all right
from now on.

Still water does not flow
Words can be said once
A human life cannot restart


Just like my love for you.


All things change, they say
Everything comes and goes
So why don’t you?


Even after a thousand broken clocks,
hundreds of raindrops on my roof,
at least ten Cupid’s arrows,

*I just cannot forget you.

Boundaries and barriers
Who says they weren’t met?
I know my borders and lines
But
Do you know yours yet?


In the happiness of your dreams
The smile that is your face
A grown  adult knows what we are
But I am a mere woman and
You make my heart race
But not really that much
                            as much
As you could.


There are roses and stars
Dreams to shake out of my hair
Hopes to drag into the dark
Knowledge so fair even I care
But you
               You seem to barge
                                                *Right past them

Why can’t we do this
Why am I not allowed to love
Why would I never get your kiss
Why would you never love?

Come on now, they love you they say
Put you in your social place only to stay
Stay there until you find him there
A person that knows and will care

But
Why can’t I fall in love with another
How is me, blushing, such a bother
What obliges me to not want a touch
Or a kiss or a caress or such?

Stop it, they tell me
This is not how it’s meant to be
You know your status and how you look
You know he picks up girls rather than a book

But
Here I stand, my own team
Trying to fight for love
Trying to fulfill my dream.

The dust on your eyes
(I believe, I think, In my opinion)
Should have been blown away
Around the time of our goodbyes.


Get rid of the wrinkles age gave you
Lose the black and blue of the late Night
(I believe, I think, In my opinion)
Time should never have come inbetween
Our last goodbye and last hello.

You're words fallen off a page
Pages ripped out of a book
books pulled from the shelf
My pages, My books, My shelves

Dear Long-Lost-Tourist,
You seem confused as to how
You seem to wonder why, where
It seems you have no clue

You're blood dripping on the floor
You're the 2 degrees in a high fever
You're the things the world has
but nobody'd miss

You're words cut from my tongue
letters unfamiliar to my eyes
signs weird to the touch
& I guess, I wish, I think

This is me saying goodbye.

I should really let go.



The muscles of my hands are sore from holding yours. The searing pain of you blocking me at every turn must have caused it. The pain your gender generally brings me.


I feel it. I really feel this heart of mine and how it yearns. Even the thickest veins throb with the emotion, with the zeal with which I miss you.

You are running away from me, like a ship running from the tide. This scares you, I scare you. The feeling overwhelms you. I know this and my heart does too. But the strength I use to carry on with you is needed elsewhere. Feet that were once made to take me further, need the energy you take. The energy you leech on.


I miss the times we called or texted. I miss how we could chat or blabber. I miss when you reprimanded me.
I'm sorry for hurting you, but you have to understand. You were hurting me so. Much. Again.

Often my heart recalls the times it's been torn apart by you. It remembers the feel of your nails on the flesh, the force with which you clawed through it. The force you used to tear me and my heart in two. My heart howls when it remembers.
Still I like you and, God knows, you like me. But you will never see me, will you?

You want me to stay surreal, be something that borders on a safe haven and an illusion. You want me to be your tempest. To be the emotion you never portrayed, the yearn for knowledge you never knew. You want me to be your perfect puzzle, your perfect little Disaster in a bottle.


Well, guess what.
Being that hurts when you're not near me.

You consume my time on the phone but it hurts that you will never meet me. It hurts to know you like me but not that much. It hurts me to realize you are that far away and still there for me. It hurts, that you and him have seen me and deemed me unworthy.


It hurts.
And I should really let go.

All your dreams are made of
                Cloudy lemonade
The places you hide in filled with
                Sheet music
All the words you say seem to be
                Soft lullabies

The difference between dreams
                              and reality
Is the line between smiles and smirks
Is the line between crying of joy and grief
The line between laughing at a memory long lost
And crying because of a current joke
The line between Aristotle and Rowling
                Or just the horizon.

All you ever say is that you'll
                                              be allright
But don't you realize that
All your dreams are made of
                                              Cloudy lemonade?

In my imagination,
There's red blossoms in full bloom
a blue sky with no clouds to loom
A waterfall spills pure water in a lake
The only sounds the ones the animals make
A cottage built in a hill that can protect me
Small but big enough to set my mind free



                In my imagination,

Life is pretty good for a girl like me,

                In my imagination,

                In my imagination,
But that is all just
                
                In my imagination.



When I shake the dreams out of my hair
When I wake to the nightmares of day
When I open my eyes to close my heart
My mind is confused
My heart feels refused



But awakening is inevitable now
Dawn is breaking and people are stirring
Soon this heart to reality will have to bow
Quite possibly this mind will stop searing



The winds of change that                                Away these feet
                                                    Wept
Will once more lie down and leave us cold
Leave us in confusion with men
Leave us in confusion with women
Leave us,
            Leave us all alone.