The unwelcome guest stands in my kitchen surrounded by more
loud, unwelcome guests.  
waiting for my roommate in the shower they stand around,
talking about literally EVERYTHING they know.

Today is an ugg day.
Drake, you’re better dressed than any of us.
You look cute!

Does the blue coat look better than the green?
ambushed, cutting vegetables in the kitchen
I answer the question I’ve been dying for her to ask.
I don’t really give a ****.  They both ****

That was rude
Well if you don’t like me you’re free to get the **** out.
Gasps, demented eyes.  Food for the soul.
I want to give them a look into the future,
showing them that all along, they were born to be nothing more than a vessel for some dudes ***.

I want to say more.
I want to say going out with them to some college bar sounds worse than ******
I can pretend to be having fun from the privacy of my own room.
I want to say that I have prettier ***** than any of their perfectly dolled up faces could ever let on.
I want to say that the void of space they occupy with their existence is a crime, because they are all the same and how dare you walk on the same grass that my dog ***** on

I have been around strong, beautiful, ugly, shattered, broken, disturbed, loving
women my whole life
and you don’t deserve to be called a woman.

Let the snow fall
I will brave it because I am a brave.
And braves don’t cower in the face of ominous storms.
They watch their roommates, gathering wine from the food lion
and freezing shrimp next to the egos
Ripe for binge drinking when the power goes out.
Sprawled out on the bedroom floor, boredom closing in.
Braves welcome the piercing silence and nausea
and decide that the kitchen sink is a good place to *****
I counted coup on that barefoot merlot
and scalped the floor with the shattered pieces of glass
from when the boredom was so intense
I had to make music.


Wednesday Night:

I open my eyes to 7 o'clock
and the buzz had worn off
and the egos are all gone
but she’s still present, haunting me
leaving cuts on my feet from where I threw down the bottle
the silence crept forth in my sleep
all encompassing
So music must be made.
with creaking steps to the medicine cabinet
for concoctions that make my brain swell.
There is a full moon this night.
I will howl because I am a wolf.
And wolves disturb the piece of the roommates
Because this is my nyquil
dayquil
magicpill
and your merlot gave me a headache
Wolves aren’t afraid of a little snow.
Tell your girl friend happy valentine’s day, that merlot really got the job done.

Police sirens blair miles away.
They are coming
somehow I know
but all I can do is keep walking
they go by so fast they miss me the first time
and throw it in reverse
both are out of the car instantly on top of me
fitting my new bracelets
Broken words try to explain what happened
but I don't really know
They say jail is where I’m headed because I said I’d **** her
and I left a pretty big mark on his head
where the bedpost hit him
Still ****** I had to pretend to feel remorse
when all I wanted was for him to get off me
¿Qué mierda, coño!
they said that night in that cold *** pit while they tested us for ***
the real punishment came the next day
when dad’s drunk *** finally found the courthouse
and they turned me loose
with forty less dollars in my pocket than when I’d arrived
I guess the temptation was too much for their slimy hands

Alone. But not isolated.
I am in my happy place
above the music in my ears I can hear only the iron plates clang together.
Along the dumbbell rack are lean twenty somethings
mindlessly pumping blood into their biceps
staring into the mirror
like brain dead bovine
their gaze is stolen only by women in painted- on leggings
a staple in every gym.
By myself in a room full of people
I feel only displacement.
I am not one of these.
I am not here to work out
Or look into the vanity mirror.
I am here to train.
To pick heavy **** off the ground and put it back down.
To make my muscles scream
To mutilate myself, just like yesterday
just like tomorrow
And the day after
With calloused hands gripping the freezing bar
there is no thought but understanding…
You will put this weight across your back. and squat your *** down to the floor.
Six reps.
Or you will die trying.
You will not know failure or defeat because you will be dead.
The second before there is only one thought:
No retreat. No surrender.
Into the abyss.
So that next year the weight might be thirty pounds heavier if I’m lucky.
A little bigger, a little stronger, a little faster.
So that in an hour I can stumble out, depleted
and say “Today I went to war with myself, and the other guy lost”
He didn’t just lose.
I put my heel on his windpipe as he choked for air
and watched the light drain from his eyes as he clawed at my shins.
A victory so sweet it is worth the sleepless nights and the countless tabs of ibuprofen.
Because the ache in my muscles comes close to ******.
Because this musty, stale dungeon is the closest I will ever get to heaven.

“I think I need help” I said
Tears in my eyes
Why? she asked.. She couldn’t possibly understand.
She’d leave me if she knew
If she could see into the darkest parts of my mind
The anger. The rage.
I think I just need to see someone, I choked
unable to cope with the sickening feeling
constantly beckoning
making me extend my fists, the fits
The failed relationships
literally every one
Wanting to jump in front of a train everyday
This was the first time the consideration was real.
Dealing wasn’t a possibility
When you forget how to feel.
When the toxic black nothing that is my insides refused to stay down one more second
When knowing that I’d be back in jail, but next time for longer
for leaving a strangers blood stains on the chipped end of my baseball bat
right where his teeth broke the wood
and I watched her swallow the ones she chewed with
and wondered why mom didn’t get the abortion
and I can still feel the cable wire wrapped around his hand
flying though the air
Praying for a lobotomy
needing any help
but its not there
And you are a monster, you pathetic, stupid drone
Chain smoking newports because I’m a coward
and its the easiest way to **** yourself a little and get a buzz at the same time
while I explain to the good doctor
that I’ve been sick forever and my mind is *****
beyond saving
infected with the AIDS infested *** of indifference.
PLEASE GIVE ME SOMETHING
To make me feel less nothing.
At least make it fun, Doc
I’d rather choke on my ***** than have to explain to this angel why I need to see someone
That I will wire her circuitry and leave her a version of herself she doesn’t recognize
With drunken calls at 3am
with words that make her think she really might be a fat *****.
******* you, he said, bringing his steel toed boots down on my legs.
Something tells me I shouldn’t have goose bumps right now.