Younger cried out
Older laughed like a *******
Mother scowled
Father furrowed his brow
And the Earth turned

A violent whirl
For a girl
Puking up butterflies
Holding moist hands
And getting punched in the brain
When lips meet

My mother used to tell me not to cry
She told me to save my tears for
Something that was worth crying for
Something that mattered
Like her funeral

I wonder how
God feels looking down at us
Knowing none of us can be like him
Knowing he will never be like us

I think he must have been so sad
Sitting there for so long in the dark
With just the whispers in silence to keep him company

So he threw us from the dirt
And created joy, smiles, warmth, and love
So he could see what it was like to be happy
But created sorrow, bitterness, fear, and frustration
So we could feel what it was to be like him

He looked down with a smile
And tears began to fall
And he wept like thunder
As he thought about his life’s biggest mystery

*How could I feel so alone?

I need something so different
Oh god something new
I want so badly to see the sunrise
Tomorrow
A new start
My failures today won’t harm me no more
I’m stronger than this
I won’t let this take me down
A change of pace
A new picture to look at
A new mantra to replace the one that
Means nothing more than the load of crap
It became
My anger is filling the cracks
And making new ones as it comes around
Wrapping around my forehead
And soothing my misgivings
I want my ideals to be me
Instead of me being my ideals
Please let me change

Remember these smiles?
Those happier days when we could
Innocently think that these days
Were the best of our lives?
Nothing could happen to us
We were the strongest
Our fathers knew nothing of our struggle
Our mothers sang nothing of our trials
Nothing could touch us
We were flawless
Then we dropped from heaven
Ground into the dirt and blood
Salty tears and cries for our mothers
To clean up our messes and tend to
Our rugburns and scratches
No kiss could fix
And that scared the hell out of us
We saw what the real world was like
Our parents tried to shelter us from
The empty Starbucks coffee cups and reality television shows
And what we saw brought tears to our eyes
And a song to our lips
We want so much more
We need so much more

Remember when we’d slowly grow up sitting on those steps?
Your mother used to come out with cold lemonade on those hot days
And you’d pass me a slice of watermelon.
I’d smile that stupid grin of mine
Complete with missing front teeth.
God those days were so hot.
Sometimes as if answering a child’s whimper
The Rain would just start pouring
And I’d be too proud to dance like an idiot.
But not you.
You’d splash with the gusto and laughter
Of nostalgia in the smile of a photograph.
You would call me over to join you in the puddles
But I’d shake my head.
I don’t want to get wet I’d scoff
And my cheeks would turn strawberry.
Your look of disappointment would turn to a playful smirk
And I would swallow my embarrassment.
You never meant me any harm.
My face glowed crimson and embarrassment turned to shame.

The air started to get cool
And the leaves on the trees became lazy.
We’d collect them.
They were nothing short of arboreal rubies.
The yellow oaks always caught your eye.
They were my favourite too.
My dad yells down the street
In a voice gruff like his bristly chin.
He was outwardly rough
But in truth he was a very sweet man.
Though you wouldn’t know it from my bruises.
I always thought he did it because he missed mom.
She was put in a box in the dirt a week after I was born
So I never knew how her voice sounded when she sang in her studio
Painting the yellow leaves we preciously held.

Halloween would come and we would run with the others from the neighbourhood.
Our faces painted like eggshells.
And we’d dance those secret incantations that only we knew
Passed down from generation to generation from our brothers and sisters.
As we’d go door to door on our quest for sugar
We would always fall behind from the rest.
You would grab my hand with a hearty
-Come on!
When we finally found our fellow ne’er-do-wells
You smiled at me though you were out of breath.
Even though it was dark out
I could still tell your eyes were brown.

Our first dance was in high school.
And just like you
You jumped the gun
And asked me if I would take you.
When I opened my mouth I swear I vomited butterflies.
I was so nervous the entire day preparing.
The process of looking presentable became unbearable.
I pulled up to your house only five houses from my own
(It was unthinkable to make you walk to my car)
When your mother came out
Which couldn’t be a good sign.