captain's log, #6

3/7/16, 9:17 a.m.

i woke up to the sound of rain and birds, it's almost spring and i'm nostalgic for something that i'm not sure has happened yet. 

captain's log, #7

3/11/16, 2:35 a.m.

at this point i don't even know why i still grieve over you. i've taken back what was once mine, to the best of my ability, but i think that you still have a tight grip on the parts of me that i'm not able to grow back. or maybe it's because i can't remember a time before i was either madly in love with you, or mourning the loss of your interest. me being "over it" means nothing when those words are still etched with traces of you. i can tell myself to get over it, that you have, that you're in the past, that none of this was ever real, but it was. it still is, somewhere. and in that somewhere, it grows. you will never be just, gone. 

captain's log, #8

3/11/16, 4:00 a.m.

let's go somewhere. somewhere far away, just for a while, where everyone else looks like ants. i wanna hold your hand there. i wanna go somewhere with you. 

captain's log, #9

3/16/16, 6:00 a.m.

it's only the beginning of a creation, but i already have that feeling in my gut, the one that can only accurately be described as nostalgia for the future. i feel things that don't make any sense, but here are some things i know; the weather's getting warmer, the days are getting longer, the flowers are tearing themselves open, and when i close my eyes i see your hand in mine. often times i'm not sure that i remember how to not be afraid, but i still find myself diving in head first. i can't stop thinking about two days ago when my therapist told me that it seems as though i like torturing myself. 

(EDIT ON 3/30/16: stop forcing yourself to like girls, stop falling in love with love.)

captain's log, #10

3/28/16, 7:04 p.m.

keep forgetting to write when i remember how to be happy. when she left, she didn't close the door, and he walked right in and turned on the lights that have been off for too long. his teeth are a little crooked, and he's only got one dimple, he hates these things but they make my chest flutter like it'll burst into a thousand flowers any second. i've waited months for this. i wish on every 11:11 that he won't be as fleeting.

orange crush,
when we were born
sunkissed yellow rays peaked
in liquid shining brilliance
bubbling stardust
spilled down into puddles
rising in vibrance
until the world fizzed over

Little Boy Blue lost his shoes
While dancing through The Forest
His soles never touched the ground
But The Earth spun around just the same

His Soft Little Tune
Sent him away from The Moon
Down to The Water's Edge
Will we catch a glimpse of sunlight ever?
Is seems though The Path leads forever

Little Boy Blue was lost in his muse
While taking back His Forest
His trembling hands ache too soon
Naked wandering eyes in the gloom
Say goodbye to your Little Boy's Doom

But The Stars bless the scars in his skin
The way flesh turns into rust and into sin
May The Trees part in way of your pride
And bow before Little Boy Blue

dancing away the seasons
why do sounds of spring sound like
fingernails on a chalkboard
all I want is warmth
all I want is to feel the sun on my skin
all I want is to brush golden rays in your hair
and call this fire mine
there's this destructive flame
it glimmers and sways
melts away the things that give us
power and fame
but through the leaves and the rain
we were born to be vain
no one sees you cry in the summer
icy cold haze where temperature is so far away
you need no one but the sun
and since the last two years have begun
I am drained and sunken
I need to sleep for the spring