being alive is like
watching a car crash
several dozens of times

debris caught in your eye
agonized shrieks of the drivers
and passengers alike
drowning your eardrums

there is no distraction
there is no exit
there is no aversion to the scene before you

wreckage seeping through your vision

reap happiness in the smallest of ways

successfully got out of bed today?
that's great, good lad!
first step to not feel so sad

had a conversation you didn't want to have?
that's okay,
you put up with a lot of ****
and you handled this one
just as well

give yourself candy for opening the door
take the time to love yourself once more

i need a reason to wake up
a lifeline to cling to
a purpose to serve
a motivation to go on

i need a light to guide me
i need words to navigate me
i need warmth to hold me

i can't feel any of those things
not even beside
the people who are
supposed to deliver so much warmth

i can't see them
and i can't move in the darkness

i'm trapped and confused

treat life like a game
an adventure,
full of worlds to explore
swinging a sword
at the toughest of foes
kind strangers to behold
and treasures to unfold

treat life like a test
full of questions to answer
slots to shade
and things to contemplate over

treat life like a lover
temporary and euphoric to be with
difficult and hard to keep
sweet tunes at night
to the sound of ones own plight

i woke up today
with soup in my head
feeling the weight
of the heavy dread

regret keeps piling up every day
of staying alive,
oh, what a debt
a price to pay

to the guardian
experiencing dismay
at wasting resources
on a hopeless case

one who has no motive
to keep breathing

one who tried
to hold her breath

tried to choke herself to death