I'm crying so hard but the tears won't come
Because there went my last friend
And now I have no one

It wasn't even a good lie.
I expected so much more from you, clever girl.
But it was good enough to break my heart.
Because you were the one I went to when he lied to me.
When I was crying too hard to speak, you were there.
And now I don't have to worry about pushing out the words,
Because there's nobody to tell.

I've memorized your page in my yearbook. That's what happens when you stare at something all the time, and that's what happens when the guy you love writes that very word. Love. You wrote it so innocent, platonic. If only you knew how many times my lips have touched your ink.

so all this time i meant nothing to you
even when you were telling me everything?
i guess i was just ears to you
all that time
but i still want you to know that to me
you were always more

sometimes i forget
that not everybody cries on their birthday
that some people like all of their friends
that not everybody feels like they're crumbling
every second of every day
that it's just me
who contemplates jumping in front of busses
and diving into freezing lakes

because sometimes i forget
what it feels like to be happy

it feels hopeless to keep trying
when i know there can never be a happy ending
because i don't even know what story this is

the people I love most in the world can leave me
And that scares me
because i have nothing to stop them from going

I'm glad your life is moving on
but just because someone loves you
doesn't mean someone will love me.
you've always had more
more friends, more boys, more fun.
and you're trying to be supportive, i get that.
so am i.

when i'm alone (and lonely) i usually think about you
what it would feel like to kiss you
to hug you
to hold your hand
what you would do if i told you how much i wanted these things
if you could be totally honest with me
it's not like you'd have to worry about breaking my heart,
you already have

i wonder if i saw myself on the street if i'd think i was pretty
because my friends say i am
and sometimes
out of the corner of my eye
i see a pretty girl in the mirror
but she's always gone when i look straight at my face
tearstained and ugly

she doesn't approve of us
of me
there is no us
she does't approve of me loving you
but why can't i get upset?
everyone else can
why is it that when i snap i lose all my friends
and yours go running back?

Sorry I yelled at you.
I trust you.
You're pretty and talented and perfect but I can see why he loves you, I love you too. And I trust you.

But I don't trust him.

If you ever feel ugly
Remember that he loves you
Sure, you don't love him
You know I do
But what does it matter?
He always gets what he wants

i didn't come right out and say that i need you
but i never do
but what i did say
should have been enough
because it doesn't have to be about you
again

i'm usually sad
but i go through the motions
smiling
laughing
so even when i want to die
i can smile
and nobody knows
that anything is wrong

talking to you is hard
because you judge what i say
and i always think i sound dumb
no matter how often you call me
and you're perfect
and i'm just not

it's not that i'm jealous
i'm happy for you
100%
but i think you're a little too happy
for yourself

another day i go unnoticed
and hating you is my painkiller
but he loves you
and i love him
so how long can i numb the pain?

when i was a kid
i wore clothes my mom picked out
and i didn't look in the mirror
except when i brushed my teeth
and now i'm older
contacts
makeup
$300 dollars on my hair
just to make people
you
like me
a little bit more
but what's the point
if you don't even notice
don't even care?

sometimes, when i'm lonely, i write my wedding vows

i've never been kissed
but i think if a guy asked me to i might go all the way
what do i have to lose?

in a school where nobody knows my name,
sometimes i'd rather be bullied
because it must be nice to be acknowledged
i'm not asking for prom queen

but somewhere out there, there has to be a boy
who writes wedding vows under the covers at night

I'm just a girl who asks a thousand questions a day
A girl who sits for hours and ponders the rain
I'm a girl who will spend a year thinking about friendship
And a lifetime thinking about love

"because the media lives for-"
"******?"
"i was going to say controversy."

when a woman loves her body,
congratulate her.
when a woman is proud of her talent,
congratulate her.
when a woman embraces who she is,
congratulate her.

when someone tells a woman she is wrong,
scold them.
when someone rips off their clothes,
scold them.
whens someone throws clothes on their body,
scold them.

when a woman goes to the grocery store,
when she wears the same clothes twice,
gains weight,
loses weight,
when a woman has a child,
turn your head,
leave her alone.

I wonder what I am doing wrong.
Maybe I'm not smart enough, not thin enough, not pretty enough.
Maybe I will never be talented enough, easy going enough, cool enough.
Or maybe I fell in love with the wrong person.

a good way to cry is to read your old yearbooks alone at night
to see that in fifth grade your whole class signed their names
sixth grade was a competition to see who had the most inside jokes
in seventh grade your friends wrote you long notes and your crush took up a whole page
"you make coming to school every day actually enjoyable" and he signed it with love
in eighth grade most of the pages are blank
you got a hot boy to sign (twice) but your crush didn't have time until the promotion ceremony
he wrote that you forgot about him
he signed it with a dash and he added his last name
the only person who took up space in your eighth grade yearbook was your spanish teacher
who you promised to visit but never did
a boy you have known forever was moving away
you will never see him again but he had nothing to say about you
your oldest best friend told you she was saving her usual "novel" for senior year
but you don't plan on being friends by then
a good way to cry is to flip through the pages and count the people who you used to call your friends

you make me feel dizzy, and not in a good, just off a roller coaster kind of way.
being with you feels like standing on the edge of a rooftop and begging myself to jump, like placing my already shaking finger on the trigger of a gun during an earthquake.
i never liked the high dive because i didn't like the pain when i hit the water, but you feel so much worse because i can't shake you off by swimming around a little.
i feel like i am at the bottom of the deep end, fifteen feet down and i can't get back up, the pressure is killing me and my goggles are pressing into my cheeks and i am no longer able to cry.
i haven't been in a pool in almost three years and i don't know if it's your fault or if it's just a coincidence that that's how long i've known you.

sometimes i feel like i'm trying the hardest
but i'm the only one being left behind
like everyone else will be married and happy
and i'll still be alone
watching people i love go
and letting them
too scared to stop it
to change my own fate
because if somebody can love them then maybe
someday
somebody can love me
but they don't
and so i spend another day
and then another night
alone
wondering why my phone doesn't ring
why i'm not the one with a hundred invitations
and even more exes?
why is everyone else so happy
when i'm always so sad?
i guess looks are everything
aren't they?