i didn't come right out and say that i need you
but i never do
but what i did say
should have been enough
because it doesn't have to be about you
again

i'm trying so hard
but you're better
smarter
thinner
more athletic
less clingy
and you can sing
and dance
and write
(writing was supposed to be my thing)
and my nothing cannot compare to your everything
because your beauty shines through
a ray of sun in the fog that is me
pulling him away
and he goes
happily

If you ever feel ugly
Remember that he loves you
Sure, you don't love him
You know I do
But what does it matter?
He always gets what he wants

But you're an ******* and you don't even know
Because when I talk about love I'm not talking about the characters in the movie
I'm talking about you
About us
Because you won't even look at me twice
Because you'd rather see her
And you know you can have anything
Handed to you on a silver platter
And why would you ever want this
When you could have that?

I'm just a girl who asks a thousand questions a day
A girl who sits for hours and ponders the rain
I'm a girl who will spend a year thinking about friendship
And a lifetime thinking about love

talking to you is hard
because you judge what i say
and i always think i sound dumb
no matter how often you call me
and you're perfect
and i'm just not

i'm usually sad
but i go through the motions
smiling
laughing
so even when i want to die
i can smile
and nobody knows
that anything is wrong

i'm close to a breakdown
but i'm holding back tears
because i'm supposed to be ok
and showing weakness isn't allowed
because telling you i just need space
is enough to get me to tomorrow
and pretending to sleep
gets me through the night

i'm close to a breakdown
but i'm holding back tears
because i don't want to smear my makeup
in case he comes to school later
because i've already been told it looks bad
why mess it up more
even though i pretended i didn't care
i pretend i never care

i'm close to a breakdown
but i'm holding back tears
because i'll cry later
when i'm alone and the door's locked
because i've had so many breakdowns
i've lost count of them
and i can't ask for your sympathy
when i don't have my own

it's not that i'm jealous
i'm happy for you
100%
but i think you're a little too happy
for yourself

when i was a kid
i wore clothes my mom picked out
and i didn't look in the mirror
except when i brushed my teeth
and now i'm older
contacts
makeup
$300 dollars on my hair
just to make people
you
like me
a little bit more
but what's the point
if you don't even notice
don't even care?

another day i go unnoticed
and hating you is my painkiller
but he loves you
and i love him
so how long can i numb the pain?

sometimes i feel like i'm trying the hardest
but i'm the only one being left behind
like everyone else will be married and happy
and i'll still be alone
watching people i love go
and letting them
too scared to stop it
to change my own fate
because if somebody can love them then maybe
someday
somebody can love me
but they don't
and so i spend another day
and then another night
alone
wondering why my phone doesn't ring
why i'm not the one with a hundred invitations
and even more exes?
why is everyone else so happy
when i'm always so sad?
i guess looks are everything
aren't they?

you don't realize how much your words can hurt
not the ones you say to me
but the ones you don't
or worse
the ones you say
to someone else

but i hate myself
and you do to
so it's so much nicer
to just pretend
to be happy

sorry i'm crying again
i just forgot that you hate me
and accidentally got my hopes up
for a second

You say you understand me
And it feels nice
Because it's 4am and we're connecting
Because everything is exaggerated at 4am
When the masks come off and the room is dark and there are 5 other people asleep on the floor
When our whispers are raspy because we've been yelling for hours
And the glow of the xbox lights our faces, because we forgot to turn it off
And I tell you things that I've never told anyone
Not even the people I tell everything
The things I swore to myself I would keep secret forever
But it's 4am
And we prank called my crush and yours and everyone's exes
And we talked about dating and *** and we laughed until the parents had to yell at us
We ate pizza and chips and I felt like part of the group for the first time
Because maybe I was
Because you cared enough about me to poor your heart out and catch the contents of mine
But who knows if you meant it
Because it was 4am

And just like that,
2 seconds,
2 names,
and I can see it.
My hopes,
Dreams,
Crumbling around me.
So go ahead and tell me I did my best,
Even though that makes me think-
Why wasn't my best good enough?

So maybe it's not very pretty
Hiding a night of tears is hard
At least it'll stay on
Until I'm alone again

I talk the talk
Promise you that it'll be better
Stay strong
Because you can make it
But I don't walk the walk
Because I don't see a happy ending
I'm a mess
And I can't make it

You realize that even a smile from you would make my day,
Right?

And it's not even that I'm sad sometimes
It's constant
An aching in my head
Making me feel
Feel alone in a crowd
And hated by a friend
And the things that once brought me joy
Are buried under the dust of the sadness
Because I won't bring them out anymore
Now all they do is remind me
Remind me of the past
When I was happy sometimes
But never always

The only reason i try so hard to impress you
Is that you make me feel inferior
And I can't decide who I hate more
You
Or me

I'll smile at anything,
But nothing makes me happy anymore.
I'm just afraid to show how I feel,
Because being weak might scare you away,
And you're all I have left.

so maybe i have given up
who are you to judge?
because it's your fault

I love making you laugh
and my heart flutters when you smile
but then you turn around
and share it
with her

it's 5am
i haven't slept
and i'm questioning how much longer i want to live in this world
and the only thing that keeps me going is the thought of you
and pictures of you
and your signature in my yearbook
a whole page of nothing
but then two words
love
and your name

I see you sad
And I feel my heart turn into a thousand shards of glass
Each tear that rolls down your cheek is like acid rain
Burning holes in my heart
You see me sad
And you don't care
And you ignore me
And my sobs are background noise for your exciting life

i know that i'm privileged
and in the grand scheme of things i have no reason to be depressed
but my calls for help go unanswered
and i'm just so lonely i could die