Do you believe it is true

that there are just some people who

can never be happy?

I wonder am I incapable of

ever truly feeling wanted or loved

and will I always feel empty?

Is there just something missing in me

that makes it impossible for me to see

the good things in my life?

I can’t seem to find anything that

can ever manage to distract

from the hopelessness I feel.

For the first time in my life

I feel a small bit of freedom

but now I find that I sometimes

miss the prison I came from.

As far back as I can remember

I’ve hated feeling so trapped,

but now that it’s gone

I sometimes want that feeling back.

Now that I’m free

I find I have no excuse

for not doing the things

I always said I would do.

With freedom I’ve found

comes the power to choose

but with each choice that you make

comes the chance that you’ll lose.

With each opportunity comes a new chance at failure.

With each blessing comes another new curse.

To be trapped by circumstance or my own indecision

I can’t decide which one is worse.

When you can see no way out

you make the best of you cage

and you learn to find enjoyment

in the most unlikely place.

When you don’t have a choice

you just do what you have to

and every good thing

seems so much better to you.

Now that I have choices

each one seems so hard.

Trying to decide

feels like being pulled apart.

I know my situation

is much better today,

still sometimes I think

I’d be better off if I’d stayed

in the freedom of captivity.

Just because I seldom speak

doesn’t mean that I don’t think

and worry just as much as you.

Really if you only knew

what it feels like to be me

to see all of the things I see

I’m sure you would be shocked to find,

with all this running through my mind,

I still don’t feel the need to say

every thought I have every single day.

Just because I’m not like you,

telling the world everything I’ve been through

doesn’t mean that I haven’t felt

plenty of sorrow and sadness myself.

You don’t know even one single thing

about the thoughts that I have or the life that I lead.

Think what you want I really don’t care

but don’t talk about me when I’m standing right there

and act like it’s the funniest thing you have heard

to pretend I don’t understand a single word

about trouble or hardship or even simple stress

just because I don’t complain like you and the rest.

You act like I’m just a silly little girl

unaware of the problems that exist in the world,

when in fact I know much more about that than you.

I try to always be aware of the truth

and do what I can to make things improve.

So tell me, just what the **** do you do?

Do you make any effort to cause things to change?

or do you think it’s enough to sit there and complain?

I’m so sick of hearing how hard your life is

and that it’s unfair how very stressed-out you get,

when all of your problems are so trivial

you never even consider the fate of the world.

My life may not be as complicated as yours,

but I certainly think about existence much more.

I wonder what legacy I’ll leave behind

and if there will ever come a day when I’ll find

a way to make myself believe that I have

the right and the reason to continue to live.

Today a poor sweet

innocent life was lost.

It was by my hand

so I must pay the the cost.

But who understands?

Who will let me confess?

Will anyone tell me

how to repay my debt?

What could possibly equal

the worth of a life?

I have stolen a treasure

that is without price.

How can I express

the intensity of

the regret that I feel?

Nothing could be enough.

What could I have done?

It all happened so fast.

Everything moved so quickly,

I could not react,

but in flashes of memory

I see each detail

a maddening view

of a creature so frail.

In my mind I can see

a look of pure fear

and a small helpless scream

of agony fills my ears.

Cries of “I’m sorry”

that no one will hear

as my face becomes covered

with self-loathing tears.

I think of the terror

that poor creature felt

as I pray for forgiveness

I know I’ll not grant myself.

In an act of atonement

I do what I swore

was something I would

never do anymore.

A memorial and apology

for the life that I took

will be my reminder

every time that I look

at my flesh that’s now marked

a symbol of regret

that will be there always

so I’ll never forget.

I dream of the day

when I will find that place

that finally feels like home to me.

I hope one day I’ll know

just where I should go,

and when I get there it will become clear

that at last I have found

that place I’ve dreamed about

and now everything will be okay.

This sweet fantasy

is what sustains me

it’s what stops me from losing my mind.

Because there must be an end

to this nightmare I’m in,

surely it can’t go on all my life.

When it feels like too much,

like I just can’t rise above

this frustration I feel everyday

I retreat to that lie

that I hold deep inside

and try convincing myself that it’s true.

I hope so much that it is.

Then perhaps I will get

a real chance at the life I long for,

a life filled with love

and all the joy of

an existence with meaning and worth,

and a place I can go

where I’ll always know

that this is where I’m meant to be,

a place of beauty and light

and clear starry nights

a haven where I will feel safe.

Tonight as I fall asleep

I will pray for sweet dreams

of the world I have made in my mind.

Loneliness

can be infinite

when you choose to live

by your heart.

No compromise

you’re willing to fight

for what you know is right

in your soul,

each and every day

no matter what they say.

You’ll never feel okay

if you don’t.

Never give in

you can’t let them win

just stay the person you’ve been

all along.

In a book I read

there was an owl that lived

in a tree that was dead

and decayed.

He was resigned

to the fact he would die

when the tree could not find

strength to stand.

And like that owl

you will find out

that you must stay bound

to your choice.

Ignore the cost

far more would be lost

if your morals you did not

follow.

It’s better to

always be true

to what really matters to you

in the end.

I am still young,

but I am getting older.

The days seem slow,

but the years are moving faster.

When I look back

on when I was a child

it seems so far away,

at least a million miles.

And those days

are lost and seem forgotten

but there are times

I feel like I could touch them.

I feel so weak

and powerless as an infant.

And yet I know

soon I will reach the limit

to the time that I can waste

just sitting here and waiting

till I can find my strength

and stop feeling like a baby.

The time has come

for me to be moving forward

but I’m afraid.

I just feel like such a coward.

Will I ever know

which way I should be moving

and stop thinking of

all the things I could be losing?

How much more time

do I have before it’s too late

for me to find

the life that is my true fate?

I know I should

be brave enough to change things

but I am still

just a person in the making.