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Louise Mar 2018
I hold onto you so
tight
that my knuckles turn to
white
I cannot let go of you
of those
eyes
pulling me in like the
                                        dangerous
                                                                ­     calming

waves of the ocean
for the very reason that if I
let go
I                    
                      will                      
               ­                                   drown
you will not be there to
save me
you never have
you will watch as I
struggle to catch my breath
the lights will flicker and flare
you will stare as I fade away
choking out those three little three words
i                   love           you                                                    
only to endure silence
echoing more
than any violence I have ever encountered
tearing me to pieces
as those treacherous eyes whispered to me
what your lips were
never quite brave enough to say
i
       dont
                  love
                             you
                                       anymore
                                                             .
Louise May 2016
the thought of the words
it's different with her...
coming out your mouth
slipping off your tongue
with those very lips
that that used to
kiss mine
softly
makes me want to ******* *****
because all I ever wanted
was to be enough for
            you
to hear you at my door
whisper the words
I'm sorry,
I love you,
forgive me,
it's different this time

           promise

but it will never be that way with us
because I will never be enough
and you will never
come back
**different.
686 · Apr 2016
I miss u
Louise Apr 2016
I kept catching myself staring at
you
in class today and
thinking
about the way you
kiss my neck and
how
I miss your       lips
your laugh
and the
                          freckles
on your shoulders,


   ... please come back to me
558 · Feb 2015
Untitled
Louise Feb 2015
So after approximately 2 years and 6 months
of being infatuated with you
I stood in the shower with tears in my eyes and
I washed your words off my shoulder
I washed your scent out my hair
I washed your fingertips off my face
and the hand prints on my thighs
I finally learned to let you go
I've never felt more alive, my almost love.
432 · Nov 2014
thank you.
Louise Nov 2014
The silence kills me but that's how we communicate
Every word we leave unspoken is another bullet aiming straight for my head
I'm looking at a fully loaded gun that could easily be unloaded
So here I go breaking the silence with the words you need to hear
Thank you

I could unravel some old lines I've written for you but I'm starting on a blank page
The sleepless nights I used to spend alone dont feel so lonely anymore
And days I feel like breaking don't seem so challenging
This is all with the help of you
Thank you

2am phone calls and asking if you're alright
Dialing your number never made me think twice
Couple months without speaking never tore us apart
We always found our way back and that's what best friends are for
Thank you

Late night fires and bringing back the past flames
You have always been near when I needed you to be
Whether you have words of wisdom
Or just a tight hug
I could never say these two words enough
Thank you
410 · Jul 2014
it's all a lie
Louise Jul 2014
it's all a lie you know
staying up until 6 in the morning
pretending everything is okay
and that i'm fine
when my chest is caving in and my throat
is erupting with that feeling
that i'm never going to be okay
again

it's all a lie you know
when i lay in bed all day
telling myself i don't miss you
or how you'd always ask if i was okay
or the way you always assured
me you'd always be here
when you ******* me left
again

it's all a lie you know
when a friend actually bothers
to ask how im doing
and i just smile and say im doing good
because theres nothing
that i should be sad about
so i sit here crying and pretending im okay
because by tomorrow morning
no one will care and i'll have
to pick myself back up
again
408 · Jan 2016
Untitled
Louise Jan 2016
It's a place not many like to visit because of the feeling it gives. The feeling I so often learn to forget, until I am face to face with the tomb of the one I miss the most. The sky appears to be dark; even when the sun is shining and the birds are chirping, I only feel the darkness that lingers around me. I walk down several paths with suspense of what is going to strike my mind when I am reminded of the absence of him. I hear the cars passing by, but my thoughts are much louder than the noise of the cars, the birds, or the sound of the leaves crumbling beneath me as I lay beside him. But he is much farther down. He is 6 feet under, yet I can still hear the sound of his voice on my 9th birthday replaying over and over inside my head saying, "Mya happy birthday baby, I love you very much." As I stare at the steelers sign that is carved into the stone beside me, I closely hold onto the necklace he gave to me as the tears start to fall down my face and onto the nearly cut grass. The grass reeks of the Earth being alive, healthy, and well- unlike the curse of cancer that left my father weak.  My mouth goes dry, but I can almost taste the air that leaves me with a lump in my throat. It taste like sadness, but the feeling is much more power when the thought of those around me try comforting me, that is until I realize that I am alone. I can smell the flowers that lay all around, and for a few seconds I remember the rose bush that sat right in front of his front porch. The same front porch I left a bright red nail polish stain on, and in that moment I can smell it and hear his voice yelling, but it only becomes comforting. Everything hits me at once as I try chocking out some words, and I speak of my life and how deeply I wish he were here. As I slowly walk away from the tomb he was buried under almost 7 years ago, I whisper one last thing. "I love you to the stars and back, but I think I miss you more."
379 · May 2016
our love was a flame
Louise May 2016
ironic how
i love rain
and how it wipes away all my worries
its spring
which is around the time
flowers bloom and
you        come back
and everything's okay
but you love fire
and how flames are          wild
unpredictable, beautiful,        exciting
I watch
from afar because
every time I get
close        I try to put the fire out
but you always came back stronger
and now my heart is burnt
and the flowers are dead
and now the rain isn't     falling
but my tears are falling quite rapidly
pouring, dropping, crying out  
my thoughts and how I spent too long
trying to forget

                              you
and how no matter how many times we try

**fire and rain   don't mix
378 · Nov 2014
Untitled
Louise Nov 2014
hey dad if you can hear me, I'd like to have a talk. I promise I'm still your star, and this necklace I refuse to take off. I'm wearing your old t-shirts, memories are drowning my head. oh father I wish you could hear me, but I wish you were still here instead. I'd throw the necklace you gave me off a cliff, I'd burn out all your t-shirts. but I would only do these things if I was promised that you would return.
332 · Oct 2014
Untitled
Louise Oct 2014
it's the idea that you'll never see them again that will get you the most
the father daughters dances you watch again and again at weddings,
knowing that'll never be you
it's the memories of your childhood running through your mind
and screaming for someone to take them away
it's the thought that he'll never be there for the important things
it's the fact that he'll never be there to pick up the pieces
even though he's the  reason most things are broken
you'll forgive him anyways, because he's gone now
and so there you'll sit at that **** tombstone every now and again
talking to the soul who left you to fight through this world alone
and you can't help but cry and cry until you're finally able to choke out some words
"i miss you"
328 · Sep 2015
Untitled
Louise Sep 2015
I haven't wrote for a while.
That does not stop my heart from collapsing at the glimpse of the morning sky, because of sleepless nights I've torchered myself into. Convincing myself to go through alone so I won't pick up my phone and dial your number. I blame myself for the thoughts that keep me awake and I scream at my conscious to hush when any thought seemingly reasonable comes to mind. Deep down I know I'm doing this do myself but nothing stops me because I deserve it. I can't bear the sound of your name or the memory of your touch because the second I look out into the distance I become deep into a state of being numb.
but you see, dear. I'm told it's all in my head and there's no way out. So I look into my mirror and see a stranger staring back at me with eyes bloodshot red matching the blood slowly drip down my wrist. Stomach turning because of the nicotine I just enhaled and I spit into the sink trying to deny what I had done. days before I swore to myself i would never dare pick up a cigarette but I am 15 years old rocking back and forth on the floor begging the lord that I don't believe in to make it all stop. I'm worshipping the clock with faith it will somehow stop and rewind. take me back to the better days that I didn't spend my nights hating myself for every breath I continue to take. I've become all I said I never would.  I've lost myself completely and only find pieces of myself as I'm laying on my best friends floor high as hell and daydreaming about other worlds.
This is why I haven't wrote for a while.
There are no combinations of words to express how deeply I'm depressed. All I ask of you "friends," is to let me rest. Please don't wake me, I'm already dead.
316 · May 2015
Untitled
Louise May 2015
giving you space is so **** hard
when all I desire is to be held in your arms
and hear your voice whisper it's all going to be okay
you swore to me you cared
swore you'd always be here
babygirl,
I'm calling out, where are you now?
i'm shouting at the moon and hoping you hear me too
all because I know you're with her smoking a few joints as you both lay in your bed
the same bed you'd hold my hand in
kissing sweet words to me before sleep
those same words sneak directly off your tongue
into her memory that she will never hold as dearly as i hold mine of you
you are so precious to me and all I ever wanted was to be enough for you
but I will always be so grateful
to have kissed the same cigarette your lips so gracefully did
for that was the closest I ever dare got
to you being mine
303 · Oct 2014
Untitled
Louise Oct 2014
i'm not going to lie and say you were the first thing on my mind when I awoke
but i will say that i'm sitting here 2 weeks later
with my stomach turning and my mind spinning with the
thought of you
and how you'll never love me
you were always the last thing on my mind
before i fell into a temporary sleep
please promise me one day
it'll be permanent
if you asked me if i needed you i would just nod
but that would be an exaggeration of the truth
because i didn't need you
i need somebody
you were the somebody who  left me with my 2 am thoughts to fight off alone
and the demons provoking my mind like your best friend used to
i'm laying here replaying all the signs i could have caught before you left but i'm just glad you actually gave me a second look
but if i could go back and erase the way you held my hand or made me smile, i promise you
**i would
296 · Sep 2014
Untitled
Louise Sep 2014
instead of doing my work i'm sitting here playing over the way your arms wrapped around me like I was a prize
it's as if you saw my broken pieces and put them back together again all in a few seconds
you smell just like you two years ago when i first fell for you and since then i've had trouble finding myself out of this maze known as your soul
you're my inspiration and the reason im still breathing but
i'm positive that my small hands wrapped around you don't possibly make you feel the way yours make me feel
i thought things had changed since the day we first met but it seems to me that feelings are pouring out of me like the crimson
i watched pour out of my wrist last night
i swore i had let you go but you're like a drug and
im about to relapse
i'm shaking and trembling over the words you used to tell me
every bone in my body aches because i miss you so **** much
the first glance into your eyes was like seeing rain
stream down my window
so mesmerizing and beautiful
you see yourself as a lost boy but
i see you as my directions
because they all seem
to lead me to
you
this is old, so anyone reading and thinking it's about someone it shouldn't be about, you're right.
287 · Apr 2016
Untitled
Louise Apr 2016
This is who I hate. It's what I've done that makes me feel this way. It's your voice. it's your lips. It's in the way you stumble whispering I love you through kisses and trying to catch your breath. It's the 3 hour phone calls. It's the broken promises and memories. It's the way you held me. It's how you felt like home. and I've ate away the pain of you leaving and its left me 3 months later 20 pounds heavier and hating myself even more than I did before. it's hyperventilating at 9pm in my bedroom with anxiety throughout my whole body, Its my arms shaking, it's  a weight on my chest, it's butterflies suffocating my throat. it's hysterically crying with a blade in one hand and pills in the other. it's the phone ringing the very second I go to drag the blade across my arm with your name popped up on the screen even though we haven't talked in months. you dialed my number because you simply felt as if something were wrong. It's my mind screaming it's a coincidence but hearts aching whispering love. I'm numb. The bottle of alcohol on the floor is empty and a cigarette I stole from my mom while sleeping is all burnt out. Burnt out like the words you wrote when we first met in the fires we'd gaze at for hours. Those beautiful flames have nothing on the colors of your eyes. Forever changing with how you feel in that exact moment.
It's the fact that I'll always love you. It's how your silence comforts me in ways none of my friends words even know how. It's the fact that none of my friends even notice or ask but you just knew.   This is me unable to move on from what used to be. But this is not about you. I did this to myself, I destroyed myself day by day with all the dumb decisions I continue to make. Regret regret regret. This is me today, this is who I have become. This is who I hate. This is the girl cussing out a teacher. This is missing 47 days of school this year and failing 5 classes. This is ******* out friends and getting upset over stupid things. This is holding on to the past. This is becoming the person I swore I'd never be. This is who I hate. This is not me. But it's what I've let myself become. I hate the person staring back at he mirror. It's hating the person you see, because you don't recognize your own reflection.
This is to my soul, my heart, my mind. I want to be free, this is why I want to be in the stars.
285 · Jan 2016
January 27th, 2016
Louise Jan 2016
I was getting bad again, but it wasn’t like anyone noticed. Some days I wasn’t sleeping, or even worse I started to sleep too much. This horrible nightmare was destroying me inside and out. Some days I wasn’t eating, or even worse I started eating too much. I was smoking to numb the pain, spilling sober thoughts into a blank page. Intoxicated with the madness I do not even understand. Weeks later to find, wanting to know if I was out of my mind because I could not seem to remember writing a **** thing. It was like looking into a strangers mind to find yourself staring back at you in a vanity mirror. This is because I would get so high I could think so clearly, write down these thoughts I never had words to explain. I tried so hard to forget my thoughts, my feelings, the pain. It never truly worked. Only for a little while. Thoughts of a blade going across my wrist and Crimson oozing down my arm seemed to appear more often than not. Yes I am clean, but that does not mean I don’t miss it. That does not mean the thought does not itch the back of my mind every breathing second. I would sit in class shaking, crying, heart throbbing. . Over memories and things I wish I could change, things I never had control over to begin with. I was unable to control my emotions, I was drowning in sorrows that I should’ve overcome by now. I was giving so much power to my pain, too much control to those who weren’t deserving. Giving too much power to the past and denying any strength I had. I was killing myself slowly in the sadness I was enduring, allowing myself to suffocate in night terrors I mistook as dreams. But then things started to change,
once we started speaking again. I started wanting to love myself, I’ve become obsessed with the idea to be the type of person, that a person like you would fall in love with. I find myself smiling at the thought of your laugh and sweet things you have told me. Heart smiling for the first time in years as my eyes slowly close as I listen to the sound of you playing your guitar. The sound of you playing comforts me in ways I’ve never been touched before. For the first time in a long time I felt safe and free at once. “I could fall asleep to this every night” I kept thinking. I kept thinking about you, so far I have not stopped. I keep thinking about how much I want this. Every song has become about you. One look at you and butterflies erupt in my stomach and make my heart jump beats. I wake up each day wanting to push through so I can see you, while it used to take everything in me to get out of bed. You’re making me feel things I didn’t know I was still capable of feeling. It’s been so long since I have felt anything near the way I’m feeling in this very moment. I never thought I could fall so deep for someone like this again, but here I am. ****** off my ***, thinking about you. Only you. This is a moment. This is the moment. This is the moment it finally hits me. I am in love with you. I am terrified as hell, but here I am.
Falling for you anyways.
278 · May 2015
Untitled
Louise May 2015
It's midnight and my hands are tracing the necklace you gave to me on my 9th birthday.
Kind of like the way I would trace the tattoo on your left shoulder and ask you why my colored markers never stayed.
I know it's been 6 years but everyday seems to be harder and the day I say I do wont be the same without you.
Giving me away to the man I should spend the rest of my life with but how can I spend my life with him when my father never taught me how to love?
277 · Sep 2014
Untitled
Louise Sep 2014
tomorrow if i don't wake up
i want you to know you were the one i was thinking of
and i love you unconditionally
always
275 · Oct 2014
Untitled
Louise Oct 2014
you ended things sunday morning around the time my breakdowns come to an end
but you were like the match to my fire and I slowly burned out that whole day
i haven't spoke to you since monday morning when you finally spoke the truth
i know i asked for it but oh god, you were so cruel
the last few days you haven't left my mind and i swear these days drag on like the sadness i've been enduring
you gave up on me and all i can seem to say is
why
271 · Oct 2014
Untitled
260 · Jan 2016
Untitled
Louise Jan 2016
this isn't for you
the nights I've spent on the floor
trying to collect thoughts
not even I understand
this isn't for you
the days I dread waking up
trying to even get out of bed
not even catching my own breath
this isn't for you
the urge to slit my wrist
trying to make it through the day
not able to sleep at night
this isn't for you
the depression I've collected myself in
trying to find myself out
not able to see past the pain
this isn't because of you
this is because of what I allowed you to do, to me
254 · Sep 2016
drunk
Louise Sep 2016
and I don't think
lying on your best friends floor
at 9 in the morning
drunk as hell and higher than heaven
is what you want to tell your children
you were doing at age 15
but what they might not understand and
what you hope they may never seek for
is an escape that will drowns their sorrows
when everything gets too hard to even breathe
so I pack another bowl and take another shot
hoping it'll ease away my pain
but it only makes me numb
we're all siting on the floor
staring at walls and in the background
a song that breaks my heart plays
but all I hear is your name
"if you loved me, why'd you leave me"
my heart shatters to ******* pieces
each time those words are sung
from the lips of a beautiful soul
that reminds me of you, so I must choose this pain, right?
that must make it my fault, right?
that's what you'd always ******* say
and I wish you knew what you'd done to me
that those hateful words you spoke so effortlessly still keep me up at night
that a year and 6 months later
your laugh plays through my mind like a broken record
the White House with the bright red door
colorful walls but dark clouds surrounding us, I'm drowning in a sea of blue
lying on the ground with a jack daniels in hand
i'll walk over to the balcony
gaze down for a while
and I swear I can see your face in the pavement
each time I almost jump
but silly girl
you should know by now he'll never catch you when you fall
230 · May 2015
Untitled
Louise May 2015
I called you the other day on a private number
I wasn't expecting you to answer
and then you did.
you spoke so softly
and I swear I about died
as I listened to you say hello
over and over.
as my tears fell rapidly
I couldn't even choke out the words
"I need you"
"I miss you"
"I'm sorry"
but by the time I realize what I had done
you had hung-up the phone.
I was falling apart
and all I wanted was to hear your voice
one last time.

— The End —