I feel happiest when i’m writing about sadness. The words drain out of my heart and onto the paper and it leaves me a little less heavy. These days I walk around with weights tied to my legs and balloons in my hands, constantly dragging myself down no matter how hard I try to float. Lately I’ve been using your name as an explanation for my sadness and for my relief and for everything in between. You are the sole cause and effect, you are the headline in a newspaper that contains only one article, written by me about you, for you. If I could I would do everything for you; but you don’t want that, do you? Every thought ends with you and every night ends with you and the end of me might be because of you, too. We’ve had our ups and downs and our ons and offs but the lights look like they’re flickering for the last time and I don’t think you’ll still be here when they come back on. You lit an electrical fire and then left me alone in the dark and I can’t see a clear way out of this mess. Even if there was one, I don’t think I could follow it. There’s something about the pain and the way you make it feel like safety that keeps me here on the brink of ecstasy and insanity. how many times are you able to tell yourself that the highs are worth the lows before it becomes the truth and you aren’t able to unbelieve it? If I could unbelieve every promise you ever made me I would, but someone once told me that there’s a sliver of truth in every lie and i’m pathetically hopeful for you. Sometimes my mind will wander and I'll realize that my thoughts aren’t the same as they were before and my heart doesn’t beat like it used to and I can’t find anything to blame for this other than you. It’s not fair that you had the power to give me something to look forward to, something to live for and then just rip it away and make it look just as easy, but you did. I will not forgive you because you will not apologize,  so i'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't enough to satisfy the expectations you set oh so high for love, and I'm sorry you weren't willing to give up the same as I was for what we had. I guess some things aren't meant to be no matter how much you wish for them. My only wish now is to forget you and I pray this one comes true.

I miss you and its dark out
All the places we once stood remain the same and i'm not sure if you even remember them
They scream at me as I drive by
Killing me slowly and dying to be noticed
My eyes betray me as I dare not to look
My brain creates a familiar taste on my lips, not actually there but so fresh it might as well be
Memory is only there when you don’t want it to be
I guess the same could be said for your attention
I ask myself if I want love or if I want you but again I fail to see the difference
You asked me once for five more minutes and I had to stop myself from promising forever
I told the moon and the sky all about you
Time doesn’t care what we do
You come with the type of pain that makes loneliness sound appealing but I’d take a heartache over dreams any day, because at least it happened, if all that remains are broken pieces of all the good that once was then so be it
We wrote a story without an ending
A romance and a comedy and a drama all in one
We really had it, didn’t we? It’s too bad no one watched our show
I’d soften your world if you let me, promise sunshine to your tomorrows
All to never see love leave your eyes again
No more push and pull, only an equilibrium of love and warmth
But that’s the thing, it’s hardly possible with us two
The girl with dreams of everything and nothing and the boy who doesn’t come with a happy ending
Maybe some things are only meant to be learned from
If the only thing I ever did was help you prepare for the next, then I can lay at peace tonight
Remember me

our constant arguments about who cares about who more play like an old song in the back of my mind, sad, but my favourite nonetheless

I cant possibly fathom how you could spend so much time trying to convince me you care about me just to leave like nothing was said at all

maybe i answered my own question, maybe you convinced me but you never actually showed it

maybe i played it too cool, acted so uninterested that you thought I was

looking back at what we were is like watching a bridge fall to flames, and
then watching it rebuild itself only to combust again, over and over and over

our history seems so tragic and beautiful to me but its probably just another failed teen relationship from the outside looking in

I taught myself how to write but you taught me how to love you

you showed me a blue sky when chemistry made me feel worthless and I thought “there has to be something easier than this”

I am not a scientist and you are not an answer but maybe we can just both pretend for the night

(to be continued)

the most powerful thing ive ever had the pleasure to experience

poetry of the senses, a bright stain on the vision

and so much of it is chance

today I finished work and in the vibrant yellow hues of the sun rising I saw solutions
I saw peace
I jumped (literally) out the drive thru window and you looked at me like I was crazy
our different moods had something to do with how you started at 5am and I finished at 6
I looked up after a long week of rain, not a cloud in sight
I woke up at 3 and its blue outside now, like I closed my eyes for a second and everything changed

I was not your first choice

I was not your second choice

At a point in time you told me differently but after nine months of trying to figure you out the only conclusion i’ve drawn is that your bitersweet words don’t mean anything at all

you said that one day it’ll all come together but little did you know I knew exactly what you meant that night in the park

It isn’t your fault but mine for not seeing the warning signs earlier on and turning around right then and there

it isnt your fault that i trusted you

it isnt your fault that i loved you

it isnt your fault that i put you on the highest pedestal and broke down when you failed to live up

the worst thing in the world is when you can feel someone slowly slipping away and you know there’s nothing you can do to stop them

it happened with a best friend and it happened with you and somehow these two always tie together

the moment it ends is the moment when you stop denying the truth and finally admit to someone’s withdrawal from your life

for now, you’re still here, in recent memories and in call histories and in the back of my mind

but nothing ever lasts, i’ve seen it all before

pink skies played from the sky every day and we listened like it was the first time, every time, together. i miss the feeling of a warm circle, a communal dinner, and the never ending creaking doors i grew to love. you can photograph a beautiful forest, you can't recreate the sounds of life. these days the silence lets itself in slowly, discreet. the door behind it doesn't creak. by dark it is the loudest thing in the room. i fear the day it no longer makes a sound. i promise myself i will not get used to the presence of absence and all its subtleties in a way that feels like a race. the only unwanted guest. no place at this table, no chance to settle in

I write from a thin line in the air, with a gun under my chin

Every step I’ve ever taken has been monumental, in ways and for reasons inexplicable

I often wonder if others feel the same.

overdeveloped and underprocessed, observed from the third space; not me, me in semblance

hold—take 5, skip—push down, look away, forget

little recall, even willing, of a *****, existing as a concept at most—
imagined, dreamt, unable to surface out from behind crafted layers of time and notion; in dots, specks, shadow

dark—a hovering cloud,

a reminder

Some say youth is wasted on the young. All of the energy and potential in the world, none of the wisdom to go along with it. The best times in my life have been spent making up for lost time. I get asked near daily if I’ve made up my mind yet. I shake my head solemnly, knowingly, smiling. I’m not solemn, I don’t know, and I don’t feel like smiling.

hush—silence;

a calm and regimented, simple production.
the clock makes sound, birds chirp, people are people all around— i see them, i am not of them, i let them pass through.

a car packed for a camping trip—the same trunk filled for the tenth time, most likely.

a certain focus—a gaze fixed somewhere in the distance between near sight and far,
a view undistorted, undistracted,
eyes conjuring hypnosis.
deadlines as games, percentages just a form of play, pressure nonexistent.
the order—a construction, all pretend, yet, more real than anything else.

momentum fuels momentum—
whole, and,

defrosted,

mainly

we wandered in circles and looked up when we talked. in those hours, in that perimeter, stayed an unminimized, undiminished calm. cautiously and casually, you asked questions and overshared in equal amounts. nonchalant and dying to be noticed, everything you did contradicted. you knocked the same way every time, eager and patient. you tested waters for the sake of it, you didn’t care almost as much as me; of course I understood

ripping and burning. newspaper. vertical shards torn, balled up, and tossed into the flames.

myself, the leader of the cathartic, twisted tributes

each throw its own renouncement, a declaration of the disownership of every minor annoyance that we held and kept to ourselves all summer long.

The positives unspoken, implied, like a tender grief for what we were about to lose, wrapped up in the bonding that came from going over the same obvious questions we answered, time and time again.

i went home and texted you, drunk and guilty for feeling good, talking about a guy i barely knew who we lost too early, years ago, before he even gave himself a chance.

I felt like you and the stories you told me of everything you got to experience, ten years earlier. you used your very own running against me, in the end

when i said i didn’t care about anyone else’s attention, i meant it.

when i said i could’ve done distance, waited, i meant it.

you said it was all on my terms, i couldn’t see how it was on yours, until i untethered myself and felt weightless.

i remember your laugh when i said things way too honestly. i remember the earlier days with that blatant 1/2 of the 2 person job and how you made me feel about how i felt about it, real. i remember the way you stood up for me in everything i brought you. every day was like an adventure in a life i wanted to spend every second by your side in, i loved learning and playing with you; how great it is when you find someone to do that with, all grown up. you were endless motivation.  ironically and contrary to the popular, we never ran out of things to talk about. i never wanted to lose that, except i don’t regret a thing.