hush—silence;

a regimented, simple production.
the clock makes sound, birds chirp, people are people all around— i see them, i am not of them, i let them pass through.

a car packed for a camping trip—the same trunk filled for the tenth time, most likely.

a certain focus—a gaze fixed somewhere in the distance between near sight and far,
a view undistorted, undistracted,
eyes conjuring hypnosis.
deadlines as games, percentages just a form of play, pressure nonexistent.
the order—a construction, all pretend, yet, more real than anything else.

momentum fuels momentum—
whole, and,

at peace for once,

mainly

we wandered in circles and looked up when we talked. in those hours, in that perimeter, stayed an unminimized, undiminished calm. cautiously and casually, you asked questions and overshared in equal amounts. nonchalant and dying to be noticed, everything you did contradicted. you knocked the same way every time, eager and patient. you tested waters for the sake of it, you didn’t care almost as much as me; of course I understood

Some say youth is wasted on the young. All of the energy and potential in the world, none of the wisdom to go along with it. The best times in my life have been spent making up for lost time. I get asked near daily if I’ve made up my mind yet. I shake my head solemnly, knowingly, smiling. I’m not solemn, I don’t know, and I don’t feel like smiling.

pink skies played from the sky every day and we listened like it was the first time, every time, together. i miss the feeling of a warm circle, a communal dinner, and the never ending creaking doors i grew to love. you can photograph a beautiful forest, you can't recreate the sounds of life. these days the silence lets itself in slowly, discreet. the door behind it doesn't creak. by dark it is the loudest thing in the room. i fear the day it no longer makes a sound. i promise myself i will not get used to the presence of absence and all its subtleties in a way that feels like a race. the only unwanted guest. no place at this table, no chance to settle in

I feel happiest when i’m writing about sadness. The words drain out of my heart and onto the paper and it leaves me a little less heavy. These days I walk around with weights tied to my legs and balloons in my hands, constantly dragging myself down no matter how hard I try to float. Lately I’ve been using your name as an explanation for my sadness and for my relief and for everything in between. You are the sole cause and effect, you are the headline in a newspaper that contains only one article, written by me about you, for you. If I could I would do everything for you; but you don’t want that, do you? Every thought ends with you and every night ends with you and the end of me might be because of you, too. We’ve had our ups and downs and our ons and offs but the lights look like they’re flickering for the last time and I don’t think you’ll still be here when they come back on. You lit an electrical fire and then left me alone in the dark and I can’t see a clear way out of this mess. Even if there was one, I don’t think I could follow it. There’s something about the pain and the way you make it feel like safety that keeps me here on the brink of ecstasy and insanity. how many times are you able to tell yourself that the highs are worth the lows before it becomes the truth and you aren’t able to unbelieve it? If I could unbelieve every promise you ever made me I would, but someone once told me that there’s a sliver of truth in every lie and i’m pathetically hopeful for you. Sometimes my mind will wander and I'll realize that my thoughts aren’t the same as they were before and my heart doesn’t beat like it used to and I can’t find anything to blame for this other than you. It’s not fair that you had the power to give me something to look forward to, something to live for and then just rip it away and make it look just as easy, but you did. I will not forgive you because you will not apologize,  so i'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't enough to satisfy the expectations you set oh so high for love, and I'm sorry you weren't willing to give up the same as I was for what we had. I guess some things aren't meant to be no matter how much you wish for them. My only wish now is to forget you and I pray this one comes true.

I miss you and its dark out
All the places we once stood remain the same and i'm not sure if you even remember them
They scream at me as I drive by
Killing me slowly and dying to be noticed
My eyes betray me as I dare not to look
My brain creates a familiar taste on my lips, not actually there but so fresh it might as well be
Memory is only there when you don’t want it to be
I guess the same could be said for your attention
I ask myself if I want love or if I want you but again I fail to see the difference
You asked me once for five more minutes and I had to stop myself from promising forever
I told the moon and the sky all about you
Time doesn’t care what we do
You come with the type of pain that makes loneliness sound appealing but I’d take a heartache over dreams any day, because at least it happened, if all that remains are broken pieces of all the good that once was then so be it
We wrote a story without an ending
A romance and a comedy and a drama all in one
We really had it, didn’t we? It’s too bad no one watched our show
I’d soften your world if you let me, promise sunshine to your tomorrows
All to never see love leave your eyes again
No more push and pull, only an equilibrium of love and warmth
But that’s the thing, it’s hardly possible with us two
The girl with dreams of everything and nothing and the boy who doesn’t come with a happy ending
Maybe some things are only meant to be learned from
If the only thing I ever did was help you prepare for the next, then I can lay at peace tonight
Remember me