I feel happiest when i’m writing about sadness. The words drain out of my heart and onto the paper and it leaves me a little less heavy. These days I walk around with weights tied to my legs and balloons in my hands, constantly dragging myself down no matter how hard I try to float. Lately I’ve been using your name as an explanation for my sadness and for my relief and for everything in between. You are the sole cause and effect, you are the headline in a newspaper that contains only one article, written by me about you, for you. If I could I would do everything for you; but you don’t want that, do you? Every thought ends with you and every night ends with you and the end of me might be because of you, too. We’ve had our ups and downs and our ons and offs but the lights look like they’re flickering for the last time and I don’t think you’ll still be here when they come back on. You lit an electrical fire and then left me alone in the dark and I can’t see a clear way out of this mess. Even if there was one, I don’t think I could follow it. There’s something about the pain and the way you make it feel like safety that keeps me here on the brink of ecstasy and insanity. how many times are you able to tell yourself that the highs are worth the lows before it becomes the truth and you aren’t able to unbelieve it? If I could unbelieve every promise you ever made me I would, but someone once told me that there’s a sliver of truth in every lie and i’m pathetically hopeful for you. Sometimes my mind will wander and I'll realize that my thoughts aren’t the same as they were before and my heart doesn’t beat like it used to and I can’t find anything to blame for this other than you. It’s not fair that you had the power to give me something to look forward to, something to live for and then just rip it away and make it look just as easy, but you did. I will not forgive you because you will not apologize,  so i'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't enough to satisfy the expectations you set oh so high for love, and I'm sorry you weren't willing to give up the same as I was for what we had. I guess some things aren't meant to be no matter how much you wish for them. My only wish now is to forget you and I pray this one comes true.

You would never put me on the cover of a magazine or on display in your trophy case of names that you carry with you but you never even bothered to find out that I didn’t ever care about being shown off, anyway. You probably hate that you need me and regret every time you tell me to stay, or maybe that’s just my mind playing tricks on me again. I like to think that I see the most truthful version of reality but these days my eyes are cloudy more often than not and it’s not entirely my fault. Your actions don’t always match your words and I can’t blame you for that because we are alike in that way, now I see how frustrating it is for others to deal with people like us. I held something very fragile in my hands but I placed it back down in fear of breaking it and now it’s too far out reach to ever have again, not with you at least. Some days it feels like we share a life and sometimes it feels like you don’t even want to be in mine and sometimes I feel like I’m suffocating and sometimes I just want to be smothered. I’m far too deep in this whole thing to ever look at anything with a clear mind again and so are you. I came to that realization the night you were two different people in two separate hours, one spent in silence and one filled with messy tears and kisses just moments before your 5am shift. Sometimes I love who I am and sometimes I feel like I turn into everything you’re thankful I’m not. I broke someone’s heart while you were playing with my emotions and I lied to him about the things I’ve done but please forgive me, I’m just learning the rules of the game. I don’t think I’m cut out for a lifetime of this, I think I messed it up before I even started. Some girls were born with pink smiles and flower dresses and were programmed to want to hold hands but in grade four I celebrated Friday the 13th instead of Valentine’s Day and in grade ten I was looking up the meaning of the word asexual and by grade 12 I had just accepted the way I was and then you had to come and open me up to things I’d never imagined feeling and you showed me the light and the stars and the purpose of love and why the hurt is worth it and you turned all my anxiety into energy and made it look effortless, too. We’re the same age but I hate that you hold power over me because of the things you showed me and I wish I knew them before you came along and I wish you weren’t the first but the last and I wish you could be both. I don’t think I’ll ever begin to understand the complexity of my own feelings or why I do the things I do and I think growing up is just learning to let it be, accepting that I will never have all the answers I so desperately long for. I could spend a lifetime devoting myself to writing about the first time you kissed me or I could get myself up and do it again with someone new. Starting over sounds like the most painful thing I’ll ever have to do so I’m just going to hang onto you for as long as I can until it doesn’t hurt to let go. I know that I’ll never be enough to satisfy your ****** up expectations for love and I don’t know why I would give everything to be exactly what you want instead of what you need and I don’t know why you would give me a second of your time never mind the majority of it, but when you finally see me how I see myself just please don’t make me let go

I miss you and its dark out
All the places we once stood remain the same and i'm not sure if you even remember them
They scream at me as I drive by
Killing me slowly and dying to be noticed
My eyes betray me as I dare not to look
My brain creates a familiar taste on my lips, not actually there but so fresh it might as well be
Memory is only there when you don’t want it to be
I guess the same could be said for your attention
I ask myself if I want love or if I want you but again I fail to see the difference
You asked me once for five more minutes and I had to stop myself from promising forever
I told the moon and the sky all about you
Time doesn’t care what we do
You come with the type of pain that makes loneliness sound appealing but I’d take a heartache over dreams any day, because at least it happened, if all that remains are broken pieces of all the good that once was then so be it
We wrote a story without an ending
A romance and a comedy and a drama all in one
We really had it, didn’t we? It’s too bad no one watched our show
I’d soften your world if you let me, promise sunshine to your tomorrows
All to never see love leave your eyes again
No more push and pull, only an equilibrium of love and warmth
But that’s the thing, it’s hardly possible with us two
The girl with dreams of everything and nothing and the boy who doesn’t come with a happy ending
Maybe some things are only meant to be learned from
If the only thing I ever did was help you prepare for the next, then I can lay at peace tonight
Remember me

and if out here
I look like regret
then drive away

i can understand--
I took off the rear-view
mirror 'cause black trucks
still drive the highways
and not one of them
belongs to you,

if you need a body count
you have plenty of those,
slide back in to those old
lives, if you must.

water and oil.