You told me you'd always be there for me,
so where the **** are you now?
Why are you never here
when I need you most?
I know you always push everyone away,
but I never expected you
to do it to me.
And I'm crazy one
for having the audacity to think
that I actually mattered to someone for once.
But the thing is,
I always overestimate
how much I actually matter to others,
and I know
that if I truly mattered to you
I wouldn't be so easily replaced.
You said that you were my best friend,
so why did you lie to me?

The first time you told me you love me
was when I told you I was going to **** myself.
You replied with "I love you"
and my heart felt this thing
that it had never felt before.
This feeling of being loved
so wholly and unconditionally,
this feeling I had been hoping for
my entire life.
The words "I love you"
feel a little bit like marbles in my mouth.
Not in a bad sort of way,
but in a not-used-to-yet sort of way
because these words
have never held such power
and carried such meaning
until now.
I have never said these words to anyone before you
because I have never felt this way for anyone before you.
Nothing can ever compare
to the connection that's between us.
So just know
each and every time I say those three words
"I love you"
I mean it with my whole heart
and all of my soul,
and I know we're both young
and each a little bit broken,
but you're the first
and the last
I'll ever love.

I will burn for you
when the stars lose their light,
I will be your full moon
guiding you home.

I have this constant longing
for the taste of your lips
because when you kiss me
the world stops spinning.
I've always heard that people
are the most addictive drug
but I never believed it
until I met you.
I get lost in your eyes
every time I look at you.
I am so addicted,
I crave you
in every way imaginable.

I understand that your past
prevents you from letting me in,
but it's so hard
for me to try to find a crack
in the walls you have built up.
I'm constantly searching,
every minute
of my every waking hour
is spent trying to earn your trust,
trying to show you
how you mean the world to me.
No,
you're more than the world to me.
You're my entire universe,
so full of wonder and beauty.
Filled with constellations
and wormholes,
you're more
than mankind can comprehend.
I need to be that astronaut
that makes the giant leap.
I need you to let me in,
I'm sick of floating free
in the dark void of space.
I need you to amaze me
with all of your secrets,
show me
all of the unexplored regions
that are hidden deep inside
your farthest galaxies.

You don't notice
how lost I've become
in trying to see who you are
and who you want to be,
because I want to know
every last version of you.
I want to see your darkest parts,
the ones that you keep hidden away.
Even the ones you've kept buried in the backyard
that have never seen the light of day.
I want to see your brightest parts too
I want to see them shine
like the stars
that I know you are made up of.
I can only hope
that one day
you will remember me
as the boy
who has held every version of you
close to his heart
and loved them all the same.

**** me slowly,
make it painful.
Inject your sickly sweet poison
into my veins
so you can rip me apart
from the inside out
one last time.
Return me to my home
six feet underground.
Drag out my suffering,
I want to end my life howling
like the animal
I have been forced
to become.

I'm not sure you know
the sheer power
you have over me.
Your smile
has become my ******
and kissing you
gives me a better rush
than any drug ever could.
I'm an addict
waiting in agony
for my next high.

Nothing in my life ever lasts
but I need you to
because I didn't even know
what home felt like
until you fell asleep in my arms.
I can see entire galaxies
inside of your eyes
and they're swallowing me whole
but I won't fight it
because you make me feel
like an astronaut.
I want to get lost
in the constellations
that you are made up of.

As you lay there
with your head on my chest,
I wondered if you could hear
all the words
I've wanted to say to you
that are stuck in my lungs,
or if you could hear my heart
pounding out your name
in morse code.
I can only hope
that you could hear it.

Last night
I fell asleep
imagining my arms
wrapped around you,
thinking of how sweet
your sleepy kisses
would taste.
Last night
was the first night
in over three weeks
that I slept soundly.

You are a tessellation
composed of repeating patterns,
a labyrinth of congruency,
and the last thing I need
is another right angle
to corner myself in.
I don't want any more
symmetry
or geometry,
I simply want to be freed
from this multicursal maze
you left me in.

Do me a favor
and devour me whole.
I'm so sick
of being torn apart
from the inside out,
but you're in my ******* veins.
You're consuming
my every thought
and eating me alive.
Please
destroy me.

I don't know what I'm doing
and I'm not sure if I ever did.
These worries wear me down
and sit heavy on my chest,
but I have no plan for my future
because I'm not sure
if I even want one.

For once
it's my heart that's the loud one
instead of my head.
It's pounding on the walls of my chest,
threatening to snap my ribs
every time you look at me.
I might have to let you rip it out
just to show me
how it feels
to have silence.

I told myself that I was done with this
but here I am again,
stuck trying to follow heartlines
on the hands that let me fall.

Just like the trees,
I turn into a skeleton for the winter.
But my bones don't drop leaves,
they shed my very soul
until I am left with nothing
except the bitter cold
that seeps into my marrow.

I am trapped here
in yet another metaphorical cage
with nothing to do
but talk about everything that is wrong with me.
They're turning me into someone
who even I don't recognize
and I'm terrified of losing myself
and everything that I have ever fought for.

You wedged your fingers
between my ribs
and pried them apart
like the lid off a casket.
You crushed my lungs
and made it impossible to breathe.
Then you found my heart
buried under years of lost emotion.
You held it in your hands
and ripped it from my chest.
You inspected every inch of it,
then threw it to the ground
and left me to rot
but what you didn't realize
is that you caused all that blackness.

I was chain smoking cigarettes
to try and **** the demons
before they arrived.
But every breath burned
for days afterwards
and the demons still came.
They grew in my damaged lungs
and crept into my broken heart.
They made their home
among all my jagged edges.
I can feel them in there,
eating my happiness before it can form,
slowly killing me.

Winter is my favorite season
because it reminds me so much of myself.

On days like this,
when even getting out of bed is hard
and all I can think about
is what I should be,
I try to remember
that it's the struggle that makes you stronger.
One day I will fight through all of this.
I will wake up happy
with the man I have become
and that makes this all worth it.