hours have passed,
uneventful.
laying still and trying to turn off the unstoppable.
answers not found,
questions not asked.
the pain is far more than simply emotional.
the physical explosions within are unbearable.
the horrible taste of sickness lurks in my mouth.

supposed to apologize for all the times i've hurt you,
all the evil things i've said and done
over the five years we've not been together enough.
yet another thing we don't agree on, though -
what was wrong and what was right.
and politics, music, where and why to stay.
stuck in my gypsy ways and never been so stubborn.
clinging to my ideologies like the idols you see on sundays
while i watch football and hold rap church.
not sure what love is in the way you see it,
watched too many disney movies to believe in it.
some of my favorite things are make-believe
and sometimes i think you can't be mine
because you're too real.
i can feel your pulse in my hand and fall asleep to your heartbeat
as it slows from racing after chasing pleasure.
i can still smell you on my bed
and hear you in my head with those silly words.
i know in my heart and in my mind the only thing left
to do
is to let you go.
you don't fit in my plan -
the only plan i've felt confident and sane about -
but it kills me because you've always been my foundation -
my rock -
and this sand i dance on is shifty at best.
but you'll never be free enough to let go
and i'll never be carefree enough to not hear the regret.
i know we could do it,
you and me.
but the hurdles are greater than a few heartfelt and honest
words laced in breakdown.
but know that i'm sorry.
and that i miss you.

i don't know where i am anymore.
or better yet, why i am (here).
writing upside down in a bible is a
cardinal sin.
even when committed unintentionally.
always supposed to be aware of
the sword's surroundings.
not hide, not skew, not disguise.
this is the only way the bible works,
fulfills it's obligation.
and i can't even get that right.
so distracted from an undetermined purpose.
thought i found my way once
and i gave so much there was nothing left
except an empty bottle of whiskey.
trying so hard to stand on my own two,
but there's nowhere to stand when
you're flailing about in the sea -
atlantic with a riptide.
watching the light show in the sky,
electricity dancing through the clouds -
knowing even lightning has the thunder.
and i'll always be alone
with my whiskey.
the one thing i should steer clear of.
so many bad choices
on repeat.

was supposed to be an everlasting affair
full of those things that make life worth living.
not a mess of blame and screams -
extremes.
distrust. dislike. discomfort.
out-of-control lust
out-of-control emotion
out-of-control life.
suicide
in an unconventional sense.
self-destruction,
mistakes.
and with that,
is it over?

halfway between sleep and the beach,
thoughts drift to needs unfulfilled
made greater by perfect words and better timing.
nontraditional in the conventional way,
confusion raging through my veins faster than white cells multiply.
the space between the stone and the setting, cage.
the space between the canal and the mountains, distance.
bruised and beaten, no beauty on the outside.
mirrors **** the soul out so they've been covered and crossed.
taped the stories together like a storybook from another life.
watch death come to me with the first bit of scotch.
Greendale wasn't perfect but the steps up don't equate to those that we take
down that self-destructive path that leads home.
rumors from a past, littered with truth. scared of mixing that with this, oil and water.
a child's tornado, just add food coloring to match the mood.
eternal corruption may be the curse of this path i've chosen
no time to look back, no reason to question.
paths crossed like oregon trail.
only i'm the indian and you're the settler -
small pox is coming to wipe me out.
spineless because i can't do this on my own.
tried too much,
can't do it all anymore,
done it all before.
stand tall on my own, crumbling, because these bones are old.
a ghost dance with the past, no desire to two-step.
need to go west, start afresh, fall for something new.
cold feet, wrapped in layers. intimidated by possibilities.
hope for the future in strange ways, engulfed by rancid news.
curious of the other side; how about them apples.
eyes waiting, legit heart hurt, unreasonable.
muttering words you'll never hear for my own well being.
twenty-two legs, twelve eyes, pulsating like a flame.
separation of heart and mind because there's no other way.
in over mind control, never had control over the yellows and red,
seeping in between the blinds.
this is paradise.

It’s all or nothing, I know of no other way to be with you.
So I write it all down, those things I can’t say. I record the words for a later day, a record of events and how you got me to feel this way.
These aren’t words you need to see, but just know that everything about us means so much to me.
I wonder how you can keep doing this, it’s been over a year now.
These little chats we have are incredible and I don't want to lose that.
Your words go deep through my veins, pumping hot blood through my heart to my head.
My heart starts doing this dance, palipating and overflowing.
My brain gets fuzzy and won’t focus on anything but the memories of your voice, your flesh, your smell.
It’s really quite ridiculous to feel this way, to want more than the memory provides.
But then some days it seems like my desires may be reciprocated, like the love we both claim.
It seems like most days our heartbeats match and then suddenly there’s an arrhythmia and we’re off in separate directions with different people.
While we are still saying the same “I love you” and the same “I miss you.”

a new grip on reality, harsh and surreal.
no choice when they call and ****** demons in your face.
like the rorschach from another world.
words unfamiliar,
voices of concern,
loss of ordinary desire.
like a hot day in heaven,
the sweat pours down the back of my neck;
nerves.
anxiety like woah.
bottle it up and cork it for another day.
message in a bottle like some childhood treat in the devil's playground.
this consumes faster and faster;
i feel it.
warning signs gone unheeded like the bombing of the moon led to earthquakes,
tsunamis,
rogue waves.
no life jacket.

unable to immediately locate my yellow sketchbook
suddenly aware a piece of my soul
of my heart
is missing.
and i can only rationalize two scenarios:
- i have temporarily misplaced it
- the light bulb stealing ***** stole that, too.
the second can't be true
because i feel whole,
just a little lost.
like those light bulbs she stole when i pulled out,
when i left the desert,
like those light bulbs were lighting my way
and now, here at the Gulf i must
rely
on the sun and the moon to guide me.
i'm not the best at relying,
trusting,
forgiving.
and that's so much of my existence here.
the sand shifts under my feet.
and i struggle for footing on higher ground.
but i lost my internal light long before she stole
my light bulbs.
and when i find my yellow sketch book
i can begin to piece me back together,
word by word.

lucky in a way that makes me grateful for small things that would generally go unnoticed -
like a closed fence gate.
actively trying not to take things for granted,
knowing it's impossible to appreciate it all equally.
a cup of tea and cuddling with puppy,
an afternoon well spent
while flirting with the past.
hoping, kind of, that this time as we rewind
won't be as tragic as the last dozen times.
maybe it's better to burn down the house,
start over again.
my heart is safe in the ice box -
no harm, no foul.
it's the little things,
like how you kiss my shoulder,
that remind me to stand on guard.
keep my fence gate closed and watch the cars on the road.
fuel for the fire,
all those words i'd love to take back,
those words i wish you didn't say.
put my headphones on and turn you down,
turn away and keep walking.
head up, back straight,
down the path i make.
wandering alone through Desolation,
seeing the big picture,
focused on the details.

Lucky in a way that makes me grateful for small things that would generally go unnoticed.
Like a closed fence gate.
Actively trying not to take things for granted,
Knowing it's impossible to appreciate it all equally.
A cup of tea and cuddling with puppy -
And afternoon well spent -
While flirting with the past.
Hoping, kind of, that this time as we rewind,
Won't be as tragic as the last dozen times.
Maybe it's better to burn down the house,
Start over again.
Heart is safe in the icebox -
No harm, no foul.
It's the little things,
Like how you kiss my shoulder,
That temind me to stand I guard.
Keep my fence gate closed and watch the cats on the road.
Fuel for the fire,
All those words I'd love to take back,
This words I wish you didn't aat.
Put my headphones on and turn you down;
Turn away and keep walking.
Head up, back straight,
Down the path I made.
Wandering alone through Desolation,
Seeing the Big Picture,
Focused on details.

can't reach my tea.
bought from a florida store,
sent to the desert,
carried back to florida.
what i drink is directly proportional to what i put out,
what i get from me.
gallons of diet coke once fueled an unforgiving relationship with a desk.
a sea of coffee once brought me closer to white lines.
i floated down a river of whiskey only to be shipwrecked
in the desert.
but tea.
tea has always been good to me.
hot and loose, the way my temper runs.
it's like the more i drink
the more calm i stay.
maybe because i'm too busy running to go ***
and waiting for the next cup to be the perfect temperature.
and seeped, infused to a tasty equilibrium
to notice
everything is spinning out of control.
and, like my tea, i've been so many places
with not one to call home,
to call my own.

my horoscope suggested making amends.
tired of replaying the same story in my head but unable to let go,
the words i need are lost in embarrassment -
stuck between hating myself and loving you.
it's the car crash i call my life and you're the star.
i don't want you to hate me,
i don't want you to love me,
i don't want you to remember me,
i am terrified you'll forget me.
never what you needed, always what you wanted.
when i don't think about it,
you creep up on me and the feeling of your skin brushing mine
makes my hair stand on end.
unsatisfying.
addicting.
i don't know how to apologize for pushing you away.
i know there's no going back
and know that leaving again is inevitable;
the date is circled on the calendar.
now just to figure out how to keep above water
with this weight on my shoulders.

tired of your self pity.
enough of your ****.
better that you move on and accept it.
your grave got deeper with the daisies.
surround yourself in beauty and you'll start to see the
ugliness
that was.
the blinders have to come off even if it takes a bat to the head.
underestimating my ability to be true to you
and you'll see the bloodshed in the streets.
like blue and red in the city that truly never sleeps.
take a train to chinatown and write a haiku
have a profound thought and realize
you're wasting your **** time
on a fiend
not a friend.

i did not grow up playing house
or learn how to play pretend
but i do it well
because that's what we do
when things go over our head.



look at my girlfriend's ******
he says,

and i go to jail for poppin him
twice
upside the head.



nightmares in my head
gun
blood
water
crying

and people wonder
why i talk about dying.



i didn't do it soon
or well
or hard
or quick
or long

enough.

and now i pay for it
every night
while lying in bed.



lost and found
stable and quavering
cold and sweltering
bi and polar.

well,
it's not fair,
it's not even close.

you tied me down,
where i'm forced to watch as you poke holes in every part of me containing some secrecy.
something sacred to me.

i lied my face off when i said that i would be okay.
it's never fine when you go away.
these cuts run deep.
these scars are permanent and always on display.
this makes things difficult for me.
it's not fair,
it's not even close.

you fed me the sun.
burned me up inside and watched me choke on everything we did.
on everything we lived.
let's see if i can live again.

i lied my face off when i said that i would be okay.
it's never fine when you go away.
these cuts run deep.
these scars are permanent and always on display.
this makes things difficult for me.

head like an empty, sterile room.
somehow i made a mess.
like watching newborn babies crack from work related stress.
head like an empty, sterile room.
somehow i made a mess.
like watching newborn babies crack from work related stress.

i'm bad luck, can't ****.
got no reflection today.
maybe i'll stay down next time i get hit by a train. by a train.

i lied my face off when i said that i would be okay.
it's never fine when you go away.