Lucky in a way that makes me grateful for small things that would generally go unnoticed.
Like a closed fence gate.
Actively trying not to take things for granted,
Knowing it's impossible to appreciate it all equally.
A cup of tea and cuddling with puppy -
And afternoon well spent -
While flirting with the past.
Hoping, kind of, that this time as we rewind,
Won't be as tragic as the last dozen times.
Maybe it's better to burn down the house,
Start over again.
Heart is safe in the icebox -
No harm, no foul.
It's the little things,
Like how you kiss my shoulder,
That temind me to stand I guard.
Keep my fence gate closed and watch the cats on the road.
Fuel for the fire,
All those words I'd love to take back,
This words I wish you didn't aat.
Put my headphones on and turn you down;
Turn away and keep walking.
Head up, back straight,
Down the path I made.
Wandering alone through Desolation,
Seeing the Big Picture,
Focused on details.

i did not grow up playing house
or learn how to play pretend
but i do it well
because that's what we do
when things go over our head.



look at my girlfriend's ******
he says,

and i go to jail for poppin him
twice
upside the head.



nightmares in my head
gun
blood
water
crying

and people wonder
why i talk about dying.



i didn't do it soon
or well
or hard
or quick
or long

enough.

and now i pay for it
every night
while lying in bed.



lost and found
stable and quavering
cold and sweltering
bi and polar.

well,
it's not fair,
it's not even close.

you tied me down,
where i'm forced to watch as you poke holes in every part of me containing some secrecy.
something sacred to me.

i lied my face off when i said that i would be okay.
it's never fine when you go away.
these cuts run deep.
these scars are permanent and always on display.
this makes things difficult for me.
it's not fair,
it's not even close.

you fed me the sun.
burned me up inside and watched me choke on everything we did.
on everything we lived.
let's see if i can live again.

i lied my face off when i said that i would be okay.
it's never fine when you go away.
these cuts run deep.
these scars are permanent and always on display.
this makes things difficult for me.

head like an empty, sterile room.
somehow i made a mess.
like watching newborn babies crack from work related stress.
head like an empty, sterile room.
somehow i made a mess.
like watching newborn babies crack from work related stress.

i'm bad luck, can't ****.
got no reflection today.
maybe i'll stay down next time i get hit by a train. by a train.

i lied my face off when i said that i would be okay.
it's never fine when you go away.

tired of your self pity.
enough of your ****.
better that you move on and accept it.
your grave got deeper with the daisies.
surround yourself in beauty and you'll start to see the
ugliness
that was.
the blinders have to come off even if it takes a bat to the head.
underestimating my ability to be true to you
and you'll see the bloodshed in the streets.
like blue and red in the city that truly never sleeps.
take a train to chinatown and write a haiku
have a profound thought and realize
you're wasting your **** time
on a fiend
not a friend.

a new grip on reality, harsh and surreal.
no choice when they call and ****** demons in your face.
like the rorschach from another world.
words unfamiliar,
voices of concern,
loss of ordinary desire.
like a hot day in heaven,
the sweat pours down the back of my neck;
nerves.
anxiety like woah.
bottle it up and cork it for another day.
message in a bottle like some childhood treat in the devil's playground.
this consumes faster and faster;
i feel it.
warning signs gone unheeded like the bombing of the moon led to earthquakes,
tsunamis,
rogue waves.
no life jacket.

hours have passed,
uneventful.
laying still and trying to turn off the unstoppable.
answers not found,
questions not asked.
the pain is far more than simply emotional.
the physical explosions within are unbearable.
the horrible taste of sickness lurks in my mouth.

was supposed to be an everlasting affair
full of those things that make life worth living.
not a mess of blame and screams -
extremes.
distrust. dislike. discomfort.
out-of-control lust
out-of-control emotion
out-of-control life.
suicide
in an unconventional sense.
self-destruction,
mistakes.
and with that,
is it over?