I remember it.
I was alone.
I just heard a thumping sound,
It didn't stop

I then became deaf.
It felt as if the blood stopped pumping,
My skin stopped feeling.
My body's left me, I was paralysed.

My mind stayed,
Reminded me of the pain,
Excruciating,
How it amplified my vulnerabilities

As I lost feeling,
I contemplated on my memories and thought,
"am I...dead?,"
Barely had the energy to open my eyes.

It was for a moment,
It was tense,

As I lied, to myself and on the bed
I realised what it was...
Silence,

Thoughts from before came...
Flooded my brain
I couldn't take it anymore
Was going insane

I needed a cure
To save myself from my mind,
before I imploded
Tried to remember the good times
Had to rewind

But then... You called
You helped
You were there
I heard my phone ring

Senses arises and I felt human once more.

Look at my indifference to you.
I mean look at me,
I'm abnormal like a book without words
Drifting in isolation. like I belong in space.

~It's almost like...for me there is no place

And oh my word I can't breathe.
I feel trapped without air
Even though I'm not claustrophobic I'm suffocating.
This feeling is what the world can't stop recreating.

And I know you've felt it too.
Or am I wrong? (our problems)
We keep it to ourselves due to fear of judgement.
But hey, that's our secret. Not theirs.

What's worse is most of the time...
I could tell someone what's up.
Explaining how I'm a mess up and I hate it.
How it's causing a downward spiral like a rotation in a vortex.

You know what they say?
The approximate response of these critics,
Is "yeah right"

"You're overreacting."
"You don't know real struggles."
"You're weirdness is a disease not a treasure"

My reaction as always?
"Woah"
Almost made me uncomfortable.
In my own skin!

That's why I learned to love myself.
No validation from others just mine.
Stay positive, act not talk and always see the good in you... Not others, they have blades like samurai (funny)

And avoid getting cut.
Let no blood appear.

Everyone's asleep.
The silence keeping me company.

Deep in my thoughts,
Almost lost myself

2 hours.
I've just been idling.
Regretting and reminiscing

I Remembered you.
My heart skipped a beat.
I've noticed what we had was fire
So it was basically heat

Can't sleep.
I'm paranoid
I hear sirens ringing
I'm getting annoyed

Still alive... Well, if you could call it that
Feeling my body fade away,
As it slowly dissipates.
Into the outskirts of morning

I'm trying...trying not lose myself

I stagger to the window.
Looking for hope.
Not even a glimmer of light.
Like the sun hung itself with a rope

Then,
Just after my hope came to a loss,
The dark became the boss

I walked the plank,
I was gone.
Battled with my mind,

There was a point in my life where I was dazed,
Kinda like everything was a blur.
I swear it felt like a downward spiral.
My heart was stolen, my mind wasn't intact.

I've missed and I've lost
But then with you, I did it but didn't realise at what cost...
Until it was too late.
My whole life I've always been too late.

Too late to love, too late to notice
But yet always too early to lose

It was the time I lost hope.
Thought it was fictional
As real as the illusive fantasies we visualise.

Until you came back, ****,
You made it worse
Put me into darkness
I swear it's like you stabbed my heart.
Blinded me further and threw in the pit

But then... I opened my eyes
I looked back
Saw my descend
Noticed how I went the right way,
But turned to the wrong side

It then became clear
I learned to protect myself from the world
And not let it change or hurt me

... Never to let it torment me as it once did

I'm. Tired.

Tired of being worried about what people think
Exhausted from searching for their approval,
For it doesn't mean anything.
Changing yourself so people like what isn't you.

It saddens me that we do this.
For there is no alternative for most of us.

We can't tell the others.
Because the pity parties makes you seem frail.
And with many of us.
We lose the very thing that makes us who we are and our happiness with it

Though, through all the complications and degradations,
We tend to be dependent on them.
Desperate for another's company.
It affects you in such a way you make terrible decisions,
In fear of losing your future traitor - I mean friend.

I know you'd say I'm lying.
But deep down you know the truth.
At least, maybe in the future.
You'll forget about this and learn to find yourself...maybe even love yourself