it was hot today
so the roads were hot
and the air was hot
and all the water
evaporated into dark
stringy clouds
and when it rained
the mist floated up from the road
and my headlights reflected off it
and made the most interesting
shapes in the evening sun
when I went out to buy
groceries for a party
tomorrow

now the clouds bleed light
from bright pink wounds
and the rain is done
and the sun is
done

now we turn the lights off
and drink a nice tea
and read a good book
and turn on the radio to
classical music
with no words and
no point

tomorrow the end is coming,
and what a beautiful last day
it has been.

they’ve been calling
from Kentucky
a lot

maybe it’s because
my uncle is getting a divorce
or maybe
it’s because my dad
just had surgery
and they don’t know
that those aren’t
all that scary
back
in kentucky

I know when I got sick
they called and called
and sent blankets and bears
and when I went to visit
them afterwards they
hugged me very tightly
and seemed surprised
and relieved to see
me

guess we are all limited somehow

but they’re calling and calling
from Kentucky and maybe it’s
because of my uncle or maybe
it’s because of my dad or maybe
it’s because I have another surgery
in a little over a week

but I wish they would stop,
I can’t get any sleep

there are still bits of
her about

a dress in the closet,
an apron in the kitchen,
notes she wrote me
posted on my desk,
a jar of letters,
a karma sutra book,
and not to mention
all the memories

can I exorcise that?
I can throw out the papers
and give back the clothes
but after living here for
so long:
can this place exist
without her?

I sit alone,
unsure of what to do
with these totems,
these idols to a false
god

thunder crackles outside
as it begins to rain

a curved knife lays on the table
as a fire crackles
and the wood-smells
fill our mind

the cold looks into our home
with disinterest

you lay
stretched out in the bed
a woolen blanket wrapped
around your form
and
I cannot see your
face

I see this scene
as clearly as I see these
words flow from my
fingers
but I cannot
see your face

maybe there’s reason
for this

I look at the log walls,
the books stacked on the
book shelf made of raw
timber,
the pattern in your quilt,
your face

but I cannot see it,
I cannot remember it

I wonder constantly
when this picture shall
be complete

you know what?
**** it, I’m going to be
happy

too often have I thought
that wasn’t for me
that I didn’t deserve it
that I would never deserve it
that all my failures could
never be repaid
and maybe that’s still
true but you know
what?

I don’t care anymore

tonight,
I am going to finish
with this chapter in my
life

I am going to write the final sentence,
think my  closing thoughts,
and close the book
of this life

yes new beginnings are an illusion
but for me,
this is a new beginning
for a new man
in a new world
living a new life

and even though midnight approaches
and I’m not quite done yet,
I finally have the will to complete it all,
to be done, to finish  up,
so that finally,
I may start
things over

again

I stepped outside because the lighting had hit
and the thunder was sounding and the clouds
were still rumbling still electricity

the clouds growled loudly of their power,
screaming madly for any man to challenge them
and then laughing heartily when all men cowered
beneath their roofs and inside their houses

the storm had become something else:

an animal

full of deep power
that rolled around inside it,
bouncing off the walls of its mind
and arcing out its claws,
they could not be stopped
but desired a force
to reckon
with

rain, then, splashed my face

cold drops, starting slowly
but picking up pace and I
quickly returned beneath my
roof and inside my home

the storm thumps off in the distance
looking, I assume, for a force worth
wrestling with for the last time

it doesn’t feel like we're a not together
and that is saddest part of all: that
neither of us wanted this but both of
us needed this and if it hadn’t happened
god knows where we’d be today but
it’s still sad sometimes to think about
her and not feel distant but knowing
that a distance greater than any
physical measurement separates us
now forever