vivalagaygirl: Poems

Darkness.

vivalagaygirl Oct 2013

In the cold of the night,
Her fears bring her to life.
The thoughts,
The chills,
The spells,
The pills,
Can't keep her sane.
She begs the doctor to get off her back,
Because she can't pull the knife of darkness out of her back.
She claims that she's "just fine",
Pulls out the razor and draws another line.
She can't deal with this pain,
Yet I'm trying to keep her sane.
She takes all the drugs,
She follows all the orders,
But she can't be near me when I hold her.
Cause she's not her, and I'm not me.
She drives me crazy til I bleed.
"I don't want you to go away", she begs,
I compromise, saying I'll be there til my grave.
"You need to walk away", she pleads.
This catastrophy, this mess I see.
She loves me, she loves me not,
She used to love me, then she forgot.
Because of the thoughts,
Because of the chills,
Because of the spells,
Because of the pills,
She lost her grip on reality,
She lost her grip on me.
She shoved me away,
Because she couldn't watch me stay
Through the roughest of waves,
In the ocean of her dismay.

The only connection she had to life,
Was the one who tried to pull out the knife.
Me.
Myself.
And I.

**And now I'm gone.

Mistakes

vivalagaygirl Jul 2013

Mistakes

You made a mistake,
One you swore you'd never make.
Transformed into lies,
Covered up by pride.
You let her down, fool.
Told her you'd keep your cool.
Come out, come out, they chanted,
It was an uphill battle, and you panted.
You couldn't help it, suffocation set in
Trapped in a box, one you conformed in.
You're a liar, you monster.
Now you went, and you lost her.
Forever? Maybe. Don't think about it.
Your hands shake at the thought of it.
Get off your knees, brush em off, kid.
"You got this!" they said, but they don't have a bid.
This is the hardest time of your life,
Losing one that's meant to be your wife.
Meant to hold you hand.
Meant to stand.
Meant to kiss you.
Meant to hold you.
You shattered her heart, you monster.
Now you lost her.
You keep tellin' yourself you'll turn it around,
but you, yourself, can't even be found.
Mistakes, you made em, kid.

My note, to You.

vivalagaygirl Jun 2014

My note, to You.

Dear, You,
This is my letter to you.
To tell you the truth about how I feel.
This isn't to make you change your mind,
Or make you anxious,
Or sad,
Or mad,
Or anywhere in-between.
It's simply how I feel.

When I met you, I didn't have any idea that you would rock my world the way you did/still do.
Actually, all I thought was that I couldn't take my eyes off you,
and that you were simply stunning.
You made me nervous.
I stumbled over my words, before I even knew if you were into girls or not.
All I know, is that I met you for a reason.
I instantly fell for you.
You never left my mind.
You were like that favorite song on the radio,
Or that first summer's breeze,
Or that first sip of a drink on a hot day,
Or that feeling when you change your sheets and you climb in them.
You were a song in my brain, a cool breeze on my face, refreshing, and comforting...
All these things which I love very much.
However, the song never stopped,
The breeze never ceased,
The drink was endless,
and the sheets are still comforting.
I still am so incredibly in love with you
And I don't think you understand that.

I knew from day one, the moment our hands touched that I would fall head over heels in love with you.
And that has not changed.
The song is still playing.
I still tap my foot to it.
I still sing along.

You are magnificent.
Beyond words.
Beyond compare.
And I know that you think I don't love every aspect of you,
But I most certainly do.
From you smiles,
To your cries,
To your anger and bitchiness,
To you screams in terror at night,
To your scars that I've kissed,
To your scars on your heart and mind that I wish I could erase.
It took me a while to learn your dark side,
But I'm patient,
And still learning.
However,
I love these things,
Because these things compose you.
And this you that I still love, one year after we broke up,
Is what makes me happy.
And I know we have been off and on due to your inner demons and confusion of what you want, and you being terrified of our rough past haunting our future,
But know this:
I still love you as much the day I did when I held your hand two weeks after I met you.
I still love you as much as the day that I told you I would marry you one day.
I still love you as much as the day we broke up,
As much as when you came back all the times you did,
As much as I do right now.

You terrify my soul.
But you are my soul.
And love can do anything, especially since we love each other, still.

I want to make this work, because I simply cannot live without you.

"if she doesn't scare you even just a little bit, she's not the one."

-Me

This is complicated...

Pride.

vivalagaygirl Jul 2013

Pride.

"If you love her, let her go." he said.
"Yeah right, dad".
I laid in bed.
Thoughts consumed of you and I,
Asking why I have so much pride.
You let her go, is it worth it?
You let her leave, is it worth it?
Your stupid lies,
Your stupid cries.
You LIED to her.
Just like the girl before.
Things need to change.
No one can be blamed for this,
but yourself.
So, do you want her?
Will you fight for her?
Do you have hope?
Or do you want to lie around and cope?
Get up, and stop giving up.
You have so much to prove, so shut up.
Stop telling yourself you can't.
Stop telling yourself you cant't, kid.
This is what got you here.
The can'ts,
The won'ts,
The I give up's.
It's time for change.
It's time to stop the blame game.
It's time for you to prove what you said you would prove to everyone a year ago.
Remember that promise you told yourself?
After the last girl broke your heart?
"I'm going to give my next girl my all, and not break her heart."
Remember that, kid?
You broke that, kid.
All because of your pride.
All because of your stupid pride.
"If you love her, let her go" he said.
Get off your ***, and tell him no.

Seventeen

vivalagaygirl Jul 2013

Seventeen

Three years ago, we met at a place in town.
I was shy, lost, and waiting to be found.
I gave you my whole heart,
But you threw it out to sea.
As the rough waves crashed into me
And what we were supposed to be.
I let my guard down, to let you in.
And you brightened my life, made my head spin.
We broke down barriers, disregarded the rules.
And we made sure that neither of us looked like fools.
You gave your heart to some other guy,
And pursued it since you thought you were sly.
But as the rumors spread, and became more clear,
The girl I held so close to me, wasnt so dear.
I began putting the pieces together to solve this crime,
and your ******* love ran out of time.
I clasped my fists, drove them into walls.
Determined to drain my sorrows with alcohol.
Scream until my throat screached,
Prayed on my knees to what the pastor preached.
Lost my mind, gain more fears.
Lost so much hope, as they fell like tears.
I never knew that one section of my life would be so consumed
With thoughts of negative actions, as I lay in my room.
And as I finally said goodbye, and lost all feeling.
You fished for me back, and kept the cast reeling.
I was 17, naive and stupid.
And little old me, thought I was struck by cupid.
You took my heart, and pounded it into shreads.
And when I wanted a simple explanation, you fled.
Who know something so simple would be such a chore?
Especially from someone you used to adore.
But now I'm on my own two feet, ready to see.
The future that's so bright, wild and free.
I don't need you, and your lies.
Actually, youre someone I grew to despise.
And here I am writing on this paper,
That i'm finally fine, never doing better.
Three years ago, we met at a place in town,
And I thank God everyday that you're not around.

thee bad guy.

vivalagaygirl Aug 2013

thee bad guy.

Why is it that,
every time I do something
that you once did,
I get yelled at?
I get judged?
I get thrown into a hypocracy circle?
Why is it that,
every time I try to liven up the scene,
and joke around,
I get told that I'm so "annoying" and "bothersome"?
Meanwhile in the same way,
you're talking about yourself,
but the words that linger on your lips,
are words embedded in my head.
In a secret folder,
of all the words I never once said.
Why is it that,
I'm always thee bad guy.
Not just a bad guy,
but the bad guy that always get caught in the circle,
and constantly gets fingers pointed at them,
**for portraying the same actions you once did.

waiting.

vivalagaygirl Jul 2013

waiting.

I'm still sitting here, waiting for a sign.
A sign that might come about,
or might not,
or I might look over because it looks like another sign,
because I'm too busy waiting, waiting for that one sign.
That sign everyone wants to see, right?
That "I love you, let's start this all over" sign.
I can't see past your current "I love you's",
And your current "I miss you's",
And your kisses,
Your embraces,
All of the stuff you used to do,
All the stuff you used to say.
So how am I supposed to 'believe in you',
when you're playing me like a fiddle?
Or are you?
I don't know.

Too busy waiting for that sign, I guess.

Why is it?

vivalagaygirl May 2014

Why is it?

Why is it,
That you can be so sweet to me to my face?
But when I turn my back,
And our conversations are over phone keyboards
That you can suddenly lash out at me,
Call me names
And shove me away?
Why is it,
That when we're together,
Everything is like a masterpiece?
Every stroke of the paintbrush that creates our love
Is handled so delicately,
And everything just flows?
But why is it,
That when I'm suddenly not there,
You can take every move you possibly have
Like a game of chess
To knock me down, and conquer my soul and fill my head
With un-meaningful thoughts in rage?
Just because you're having a bad day;
Just because you're stressed;
Just because "this" or "that"?

I'm tired of the excuses.
I'm tired of the **** you put me through.
But I do it for you.
And that seems to be ignored.

So let's put down our phones,
That act like blinders,
And actually talk this out for once.

words

vivalagaygirl Jul 2013

words

As I sit here and wonder, "what did I do wrong?", 
I hold back the words in my throat that I held for so long. 
And I turn over the page in my mind where you once were, 
To something that I wrote down, of the words you never heard. 
I was your 'only one'; your 'soulmate'; you 'wife'. 
Until you slit my trusts and heart with a dull knife. 
And I bled for days, days since you hurt me dear, 
Even though everything, one year later, is still unclear. 
I know I don't love you, even though it was questioned some days, 
And now I'm left here, still bleeding and so afraid, of the mess, the big ******* mess that you made. 
I don't want you back, nor do I need you here. 
But sometimes, I wish the storm would clear. 
And all the insecurities I once held close would go away, 
And all the hurt I hold in my heart would go astray. 
I normally don't feel this incomplete, over a simple mess; 
I normally pick myself up, and be filled with forgiveness. 
But this time, as I turn that page in my mind, 
I rip out the page of you and me, and put it aside. 
And I pull out a red match, and drench the page with gasoline, 
And burn those sweet memories, along with the words I will never speak.

— The End —