We knew each other in a past life
I could feel the pull to her,
On the first night I asked if she was okay
And that was that

The universe took our fates and crossed them
Our souls forever connected
Wondering in what time we loved as well
A time less complicated

Who were we?
Lovers? Enemies?
What brought us together on that fateful night?

It feels like we met at the perfect time
A time when we needed a friend
Why then?
Why us?
What's the plan?

She doesn't believe in falling in love
But I wonder if she believes in soulmates?

There is something to be said about pain
How the simplest things can make your heart sink
That pit in your stomach
And the tingling in your jaw

There are times when I think I should have kept my mouth shut
And my heart pure
It makes me wonder if when I die,
Will my family build me a tomb
Or throw me away like trash

This is why pain hurts
It makes you think
And with all the thoughts I have
I can't help but wonder
How I could ever deserve her
How with all the pain I've endured
And the thoughts I have
She always decides to stay

I don't offer much but take all she gives
So why do I feel pain when she does?
Why can't I live without her?

My heart aches for her
And that leads me to wonder why she hurts
What her thoughts are
And why she needs me

If my heart is a wick, then she is the flame
A warmth that melts away my walls
And burns my fears to ash

So why do I hurt when I think of her?
Is the fear of losing or pushing her away?
What if I never said "hello"?
Would we be alive?
Would we have felt this pain?

She holds my hear in her hands
A light squeeze to let me know
She'll never let go

There's something to be said about love
How it always hurts
And is somehow more painful than death

Shaky
The world spins
My ears ring
My vision blurs
My heart thumps
My hands shake

What a weird feeling
The feeling of not letting go
Like a crocodile and a zebra
Or a bee and a flower
It almost feels like losing

The water splashes
My wishes twist
My soul jumps
My mind screams
My fingers ache

What a weird taste
The taste of falling down
Like a chain with a weight
Or a moth with a flame
It almost feels like caring

Don’t think about it
Or it won’t come true

Don’t dream about it
Or it will never end

Don’t tell anyone about it
Or it will never happen

They will sell you diet pills
And you’ll be the first to buy it

They will tell you to **** yourself
And you’ll be the first one to try it

Don’t think
Don’t dream
Don’t tell

The three rules
Of the dying human

You will never be sorry
But you will always regret
That you took those poison tablets

It’s easy though
Because you feel bad for yourself
And everything’s fine
Just as long as you don’t act sad

Throw yourself into your worries
And you’ll come back a madman

Get devoured by a demon
And you’ll under what a dark creature sadness is

***** up all your organs
And you’ll know what the dying feel

Drink an animal’s blood
And you’ll become the most poisonous spider

Eat the flesh of a human
And you’ll become the cannibal you’ve always been

I lost myself that night
Wandering and wondering about everything
Hoping to see the light of day once again
That did not happen

I was stripped of everything I called my own
My thoughts consisted of a single line
“I can’t believe this is happening to me again.”

Nightmares
Flashed before my eyes
I tried to fight against the world
But in the end I lost
But in the end I died
My thoughts became a black puddle on the sidewalk

“Hmm...” I wonder now, “Maybe I’m not dead.”
I’m happy with my end
Happy that it happened
Although, I do wonder what it would be like to live again

Your ghost haunts my dreams
It won’t let me sleep
Its face is always a blurry photograph

I repeat the lines you said to me
“Don’t leave me, don’t let me fade away.
Stay with me, don’t leave me be.”

I watch you fade as the darkness encloses
I see you cry as my sorrow passes through
You hear me scream as the smoke hides all
Life is nothing now, because we are gone
The feeling of falling is finally free,
But the feeling of breathing is so far

Help won’t come for us, even if we cry
Snow suffocates our minds into twisted children
Always remembering, but also forgetting
Never living out our dyings
Skidding to a halt at our final light

Don’t let me die on my own
Please let me live all alone

My head hurts all day
I want to burn my pain away
To **** off my own mind
But I can’t
Not when people are happy

All I do is think in my head
All alone and hidden by my ashen lies
I wish to see my cold corpse on the ground
To sink in the earth and never return

It’s too late to save me now
I’m lost in myself
I cannot come back to you
Even if you grab through my mirror
Stretching to touch my hand

I listen to notes of screams
And cry myself to sleep
Am I nothing but doomed to live?
Am I nothing but ****** to be forever?
I’ll claw own eyes out if I hear one more happy song

Help will never come
So burry me now
Leave me forever to rot sour
I’ll do it myself if I have to
Nobody did ever cry for me

Caffeine is the only drug
I don't need

Because your love
is the only pick me up I crave

I was about to shrink back into the door, but Apollo caught my shoulder, obviously knowing what I was thinking. I leaned into his body. Apollo was a peculiar god; he loved his immortality but adored humans even more. After being ****** out of Olympus, I found him throttled in human addicted; rage in his heart, lust in his eyes, and poison in his soul. It was at that time when I came to him, open arms and a wider imagination. I believed that he would make a good companion, somebody I could rely my duties on when the universe got too hectic. This choice had proved challenges along history, but I didn’t regret it. I would never be able to replace his compassion.
“Try not to think about it,” he whispered into my hair. His mortal form was warm and comforting, like laying on a sunny day. “I know she’s ******* you, but-” he sighed, deep in thought as well, “just think of that day, okay, and how it made everything better.” I nodded, finally slipping away from him and into the house.

Laying in my room
Lights out, music on
Eyes closed, brain gone

These are the nights of empty
These are the nights of sigh

The night is early
And emotions are gone

Laying in my room
Blankets warm, body cold
Shoulders aching, hands twitching

These are the nights of pain
These are the nights of tears

The night is dead
And emotions are high

Laying in my room
This room of safe
This room of cruel
This room of me

I'm lost
I'm lost in this world
This world filled with hate
Hate that holds our hearts
Hearts who wish to be found

I'm lost
in this world
and I will leave this hate
Keep my heart beating
So then I can sing

Keep your soul close
So your feet don't hurt
They will steal it
If you show you're curt

Feed them the lost
and accept defeat
Because who you are
is a game in the eyes of the weak

Run fast and work long
Life is dark and the end is glorious
Be victorious
We need haste
to cure the time we waste
and finally not flee

Life is lost
as the clock ticks
Freeze it
and wrap it around your head
Because your brain is weak
Chemicals leak from the enemy

Being lost
because being found
means being kept
Creep away from the kelp
that hides the drop off
You will become a drop out

Because I am lost
and I don't want to be found
Then I'll be like a rabid dog in the pound

I was told not to move
Or my father will disprove
I must improve or remove
The reason why I need to prove

The cold was frigid
making every statued human rigid
The was block was human grided
As if the town was knitted

The fire raged
But I was caged
The men from the houses rampaged
But there I was, unpaged

I can't function without music. If I had no access to it, I would go insane. I'm not saying this to be relatable or funny or ironic; it becomes a problem sometimes. When my phone dies or my MP3 dies, I can't go for my walks because I won't be able to without music. I can't walk down a street without my headphones in. Hearing my own footsteps or a distant car scares me. The sound of my breathing gives me anxiety. When I don't have access to music, I get anxious and can sometimes have panic attacks. I can only focus when I have music playing, but it can also distract me. I can't write without music. If anybody else has this problem, pleas reach out to me. Because I can't live without music.

I've talked about this before, but I feel like I need to talk about this some more. I am constantly daydreaming; always. I'm talking to you? In my head I'm fighting a dragon? I'm in a job interview? I'm in the middle of a drug cartel gang war. It's not always pretty and nice, sometimes it kills people, not real people, but personalities all the same. My worlds are developed and my characters are diverse. Right now I'm thinking about my favourite book series, Percy Jackson, and how I would interact with the characters. Or sometimes how I would interacts with real people; celebrities, musicians, YouTubers, and even my family and friends. It's hard for me to focus on anything that's not in my head.

I'm completely disconnected from reality and real people. It's sometimes hard to tell if I made up that conversation I had with my sister or if it really happened. I can't leave my house because I need to distract myself, because as soon as I walk, my mind is gone.

Music is a big trigger, the radio could be playing any song in any store and I'll start to think. I loose myself in my mind, sometimes even incorporating the music into the dreams. Even now it's so hard to stop myself from wandering off into who the Hell in the world is reading this. What is your story? Why are you here? I don't know, but I'll think about it. TV shows, movies, videos, books, music, conversations, interactions, thoughts, memories; anything can trigger me.

I won't lie, it fuels my writing, it helps me be creative and right my dreams into reality; to make my mind into my life; to make my characters real. This is why everyday, for at least 30 minutes, I go to my local park, and I swing on the swings. My headphones are in, music blasting, world tuned out, and this is where my mind runs free. I can feel angry, sad, happy, euphoric, and even terrified with my characters. Sometimes it even causes me anxiety attacks, times of depressions, but also mania. In my head, I'm someone else, with other people, different friends, different family, different life.

My life is completely in my head and I don't know what to do about it.

Where are you?
I cannot see
Are my eyes open?
You are bot here

Shut the blinds
The night is too bright
My fears are screaming
My chest is tightening

Why aren't you here?
Is it because I took your eyes
and sewed them to my hands?

There's a corner in my bedroom
Engulfed in shadow
Energy is nowhere

There's a demon in my bedroom
It hides in corners
No light to be found

Close the door
Turn on the light
Put the covers on
The demon is watching

Trust the people
who are silent
they hear the best stories
For they are the most observant.

Sometimes,
there is nothing more destructive
than a woman's voice
and a man's fist
to a child's scream

You have not taught them
how to speak
so they just scream

What all they know
is the mirror
that shows black eyes
and the sadness in their hearts

What all you've taught them
is the face
that shows evil demons
and the madness in your tongue

You must teach them
the beautiful flowers
that smell like heaven
and the window panes
that lead to unknown worlds

Or they will become
the monster you are
because, sometimes
there is nothing more vicious
than the anger of mouths
and the blood of faces

That is all they know

I'm a deprived person. As a child, I was loved, hugged, squeezed, but as I got older, people stopped. No more do people hug me when they see me, no more do people linger a soothing hand on my shoulder. I am supposed to be independent and strong. But now that nothing touches me, I am uncomfortable when somebody's else's emotions contact my person. Hugs are now awkward and terrifying, pats on the back fill me with anxiety and shame. My lack of contact has made it impossible for me to have friends and love my family. No more do I kiss cheeks, no more do I cuddle my parents. I am unwanted in feeling and uninvited in touch. Physical contact is abnormal, but that's not the way it should be.

There was a time when you raised your hands
all the way to the heavens
And you prayed to me, you yelled to me
You spoke of Aurora
They were following you
Always lurking in the sahdows

I’m just a girl with a black marker and a smart mouth
Writing my wicked thoughts on my ***** walls

I’m just a girl who believes in grace
But doesn’t have any of her own

I’m just a girl who would live longer if she would shut up
My mouth is a train that won’t stop

I’m just a girl with a dream
Look at all of these pages to splash ink and love upon

Greens and blues
Violets and oranges
Browns and yellows
Blacks and reds

These are the colors that bind us
The lies that find us
The screams that haunt us
The voices that love us
The faces that remind us

Oceans and leaves
Lands and winds
Worlds and stars
Doors and arts

These are the elements that bind us
The fires that find us
The shadows that haunt us
The people that love us
The tears that remind us

Pain follows, it swallows, and it leaves behind sorrows.
Drowning but still breathing, still alive.
Before Me
Away
Far away
Long ago
Very long ago
I was beautiful
I was too beautiful

Away
Far away
Long ago
Very long ago
I was loved
I was too loved

Away
Far away
Long ago
Very long ago
I was young
I was too young
This was all before me

The fire inside never seems to leave
It feels like I’m about to burn up, or that I’ll turn someone into ashes
The burning, stinging pain of doom and desire fills my body
For I am the mighty phoenix
For I am the warmth of the sky
For I am the one that will put the world to ashes

Death is a shadow that waits for world *******.
Death only comes when the light is too bright for his dark.
Death brings on pain and darkness.
Death gives us grief, anger, jealousy and ashes.
Death is the voice in your head that never goes away.
Death is a shadow that waits to be defeated.

Life is nothing but an endless cycle of sacrifice. You sacrifice everything that could be done and go for the next.

Death is nothing but an endless cycle of love. You love your family and then you die hopelessly and people love you even more.

Life and death are endless cycles of bliss. You live in a bliss state and you die to go somewhere blissful.

I was born sick,
And everyone knew it
All people are born sick
Destined to die
But not everyone knows it
The reason they knew of me was because of my eyes
Not the colour
But the depth of them
I was born with more knowing than normal
They said too much knowing
I said an old soul
Of the grave maker's sons and daughters

It tears me apart
Breaking my soul
Shattering my heart
Pounding my head

It will win me
Keeping my thoughts
Stealing my emotions
Draining my actions

It hates my dreams
Blocking my passions
Caging my joy
Ripping my body

It is my sorrow
Taking my breath
Killing my memories
Cutting my beauty

It must fail me
Burning my love
Icing my warmth
Blackening my angels

It rusts my bones
Dripping my weight
Spilling my blood
Silencing my screams

The night is dark
But the streets are light
Blazing like a million suns
Blinding like a summer smile

The rain is cold
But the city is warm
Breathing like a million lungs
Pumping like a summer heart

The pillow is rough
But the body is soft
Moving like a million wars
Rubbing like a summer shoe

The bed is wet
But the floor is dry
Vibrating like a million cars
Soothing like a summer hurt

The belly is hard
But the hand is limp
Waving like a million trees
Satisfying like a summer bleed

We are the kids
Who have ‘X’s are our eyes
And scars on our hearts
Who fall in love with people they hate

We are the kids
Who have revenge as our best friend
And wish away our dreams
Who look up at the night sky and see a better life

We are the kids
Who drink all the poison
And swallow the killer pills
Who hope they will find light in their darkness

We are the kids
Who have nightmares in day
And cry ourselves like demons
Who scream loud enough for aliens to hear

We are the kids
Who sleep like sharks
And bite our nails raw
Who break their doll bones over wolves

Losing hearts
Broken eyes

Scattered dreams
Forgotten loves

Piercing depths
Clawing demons

Weeping angels
Dying messages

Gnawing rats
Shattering inks

Missing roses
Falling dames

Singing sirens
Sleeping wishes

If I can’t wait to die
Then why not bring death to me

Well, what’s the point of dying
If you don’t try to live

Don’t forget the day Death died

It was horrifying
But slightly mystifying
But mostly terrifying
Because he was dying

The demons started to cry
And they screamed so loud, oh my
We all knew He had to die
Nobody wanted to sigh

It was odd to hear His last breath
Because He was Death
It was a long time ago:
When it was fashion to speak with ‘thee’, ‘thou’, and ‘eth’

Chills ran through my head
Because the thing I feared was dead
And no longer under my bed

There was no longer a corpse party
In this empty city
Our minds became faulty
The only thing that lingered was nobody

We always remember the day Death died
And how nobody felt tied
All our brains were fried
From seeing the world’s cracking hide

Pain is an illusion that our minds create
There is no way to describe pain
Without saying another form of it
This emotion
This poison
It’s all in our heads
Created to make us feel vulnerable

I can’t remember when I gathered these thoughts
It was sometime when I was sadder than I am now
When I was a little bit more lost than I ever was
Was it last year or the year before?

It squeaked about my grandmother
And about what I write
I wrote it out of rage and sadness
Something about my depression that created my addiction
It was in a September or an October?

I walked slower then
Kept my head down lower then
I never want to think about the pain I had been in
I can’t quite remember
But I wrote with passion and grace

It was unstrung thoughts
Words that will always come from the mind’s eyes
If only I could remember

I thought about things then as I do now
The world always brought people down after it made them high
I had been so low
I am only now slowing climbing back up

When I wrote it was all slow and fast
Both at the same time
I want to remember
Something tells me I never will
Why do I think it was on a Tuesday?

It was a short paragraph
Maybe about my first hurrah
Or my last farewell

For as long as I can remember, people have always said to me: "Life isn't fair."

What a lie

Life is as fair as you want it

The truth is, people aren't fair

People affect the way you act and think

They tell you things you should and should not do

But I can wear jeans in the summertime

And that boy can wear pink if he wants

The girl who just walked by can wear shorts at any length she feels comfortable

We can do this

Even if you call us insecure or gay or ****

We will because we don't care what the herd of sheep thinks

We can be goats and cows and foxes

Because we think 'the norm' is crazy

The roses are ******
The violets are too
People have died
Because that’s what people do

Standing there waiting
Thinking that time is wasting
This is the shot that I’ve bought
The rope is taut, tied in a knot
This is all I got
Say goodbye to my plot

Standing there caught
Thinking that time is rot
Blazing gunshot
The room fills with fraught
Firing like a snapshot

Standing there in a time slot
Thinking that this is all for not
There’s a shot
Fired from a hand so hot
Brought by an abstract thought
Death as its mascot

More often than not
I need freedom from thought
But this is my shot
And I’m not done until I’ve fought

You are my rose,
forever alive and always older,
but wilted all the same.

Do you remember that time when you walked through the rain to my house, just for me to beg you to stay; even though in the end you shouted before leaving, "I love you, but ******* anyways"? I remember the feeling of that night. This sense of loss and dread, a heaviness in your words that left me paralyzed.

Do you remember that time I found you on the ground just outside my house, screaming for you to stay; even though I already knew what had to be done was finished. I remember the smell of that night. This scent of earth and decomposition, the weight of your favourite perfume that left me blinded.

Now every time I smell the scent of 'Blue Citrus' perfume and hear the words 'I love you' I can't help but think that I'm cursed forever to see you next to me. I remember that time when you spoke words of winds and paper cranes, but now you speak words of silence ad snake bites.

This is for all the run on sentences you wrote to me late at night and all the times you left me begging for you to stay.

Children feel everything
They stop to touch and smell and take sense of
But when the concept of pain arrives,
people assume kids are numb

They say that I don't have large problems,
that I am ignorant to feeling
If a child burns themselves,
do they feel it?
Do they cry like you would?
Do they scream at the top of their lungs like you would?

Or would they stand there, silently,
because they are not allowed pain
Kids are innocent,
but only as long as you let them
So if I work hard, and then need a day,
your complaints are invalid,
because I listen to yours

I miss things because of pain,
because of the things I've been through
And there are some things that you can't even begin to imagine

I wish to dream a dream of assumption,
and never have painful truths
When the night is dark and chill,
and you hear a child scream,
you walk away

Because children don't feel pain,
but you feel the guilt
and it's shown like an open sign
when I look into your eyes
Somehow I know there was pain
and you left

Now I leave you
to feel like a numb child
With a mind like a sponge
and the only things keeping you alive
is love and hope

The world leaves you now,
to look up into the universe
and wonder to yourself,
"What did I do?" as it slaps you
As the blood drips down,
you think of diversions to cope,
because you are not allowed to feel pain

Because you were just born
all those years ago
And all that is keeping you together
is the back of a hand and numbness

Children feel always

Everything I touch turns cold

Making life icy and alone

And as the black waters laps over the grey shore

I can’t help but wonder

What the sun feels like against pale skin

                                              

Maybe like a corpse on fire

Or a blanket on a wet stone

I will never know

Because everything I touch turns to snow



One day the sun will cure me

Of my blizzard curse

And drive away my bitterness



Could I be happy?

After all the things I’ve seen?

Bodies, deaths, storms, murders

Maybe I am heartless, cold, and bitter

I had a friend

And she had red skin



It came from all the anger,

The sadness and the regret

This world had given her



I had a friend

And she had red skin



It made her do

Terrible, mean, and rude

Things to all others



I had a friend

And she had red skin



It drove her

To fly like a dove

And break her bones



I had a friend

And she had red skin



It came from all the blood

That spilled from the cuts

She gave herself



I had a friend

And she died from her red skin

I want you to realize how pretty you are

And how much it hurts me to watch you fall

But you are too caught up with what they say



You don’t see how distant you have become

And that I have a stage four fear of losing you

That I want you to hug me as I need you



Because I really need you

I need you, I need you, and I need you

My fear is coming true and I miss you



I have fought many wars with myself

All of them are about you

And how much I still love you



But you don’t love me anymore

But I need you more than ever

But the world says ‘no’ to both of us



I need you to come pick me up

I need you to help me with myself

I need you to need me



Pianos fall silent when you cry

Angels stop singing when you fall

I stop to think about how much you might need me

I walked slowly

Only stopping for you

Maybe you can wake me

Maybe you can save me



“Oh, dear Sleepwalker,”

You said calmly,

“How long do you walk for?”



For you, my sweet

For you, my love

I walk for you

Falling from my mind into my soul

My voice hidden behind the curtain

Skeletons in my closet and closed inside caskets

                        

Raindrops on windowpanes

Flower blooms on the cold corpse

Tears on my black cat

Sobs muffled by shirt sleeves



My life falling

Starboard from the ocean to the abyss

Making do with the sadness that hangs

Breathing the stale air that chokes us



Remember the time we lied?

An apple dropping onto a lemon

Halloween being the best and worst day ever

Blacks, blues, and yellows too, showing up on soft skin



Clowns frowning on children

Monsters clawing from under beds

Dead leaves rustle in the autumn wind

This is my last vow to you

The Ravens flash below my eyes

I do not know what it is to rise or fall

What are the fallen?

Angels who rebel?

Or demons who love?



Death knocked on my door

He was asking about you

He wanted to know when you’ll be with him

I said, “Soon enough.”

Death smiled at me and said that I will miss you

Death smiled at me and said it felt as though I was him



This is my last bow to you

The Music sings inside my eyes

I do not know what it is to live or die

What are the dead?

People who love?

Or animals who rebel?



I said, “Soon enough.”

Death took me

Cared for me

And now I am dead

I am hoping you can hear me

I am hoping you still love me

I had ignored him for a long time;

But it hadn’t made me feel any better.

Not seeing him was like a white sheet over my face;

Annoying yet comforting in a sense of coldness.



He knew why I left;

He knew what I was.

The only time I will see him will be at the end;

And we will be both very happy and very sad.



As I see him now, cold and ******;

I think of the lonely run home I have.

He died with a smile;

I was so foolish.



I loved him, he loved me;

But I had grown to the thought that boys couldn’t love.

Rain was how I felt;

How many days has it been since I’ve seen him?

I met a boy in the city today

He showed me his smile

I showed him my heart



The boy was kind enough to take my heart

But only to find out that it bleeds

The boy took my bleeding heart and threw it away



I felt so much pain

He showed me his eyes

And I showed him my soul



The boy found my soul and hugged it

But then swallowed it whole

He gulped it down like cough syrup



I cried at the city boy

He showed me his heart

It was a bandaged thing



I screamed at the city boy

He showed me his soul

It was a blackened thing



I met a boy in the city today

He showed me his monster

I showed him my demon

If somebody asks you

If you are ‘insane’

What do you answer with?



‘Yes’ is too dangerous

‘No’ and they will judge you

Or do you say ‘Maybe’

And leave them terrified?



Choose any way and you are silenced



But what if

You answer in white noise, radio static

And silence?

Do they fear you?

Or do you fear yourself?



So I ask you this:

If somebody asks you

If you are ‘drowning’

What do you answer with?