the last landmine is set off in my head.
I surrender to myself.
I beg myself to spare me.
I grovel at my own feet.

I ask my body,
how can you ever forgive me
for being so cruel?
there is silence.
then the wounds turn to scars.
from somewhere inside myself
I hear a voice say,
the same way I always have.

the air being pushed back into my lungs
wasn't a second chance
because I never had a first.
I was doomed from the start
- love with conditions.
safety with escape routes.

but this is a new beginning.
the epilogue was the prologue.
disaster is no longer my destiny.

a glimpse into the past is how I found
the people who are still rooting for me:
a small child with a rope around her neck.
a teenager with an apology written out.
a 19 year old with too much poison in her stomach.
they are counting on me to show them
living was the better of the two options.
they are counting on me to be the one adult
who doesn't let them down.

I have found a reason to live,
and it's to find something worth living for.