11:18 P.M.

Want to sleep, don't want to.
Waiting for something.
An idea, an event.
Something to do.
Write on the walls.
Or the mirror or a shirt.
Draw something,
write something.
Go for a walk.
Sing a song.
Whole house is asleep.
Write a song,
don't have a piano.
And the whole house is asleep.
Clean my room?
That can wait.
Read something?

11:31 P.M.

Mom, you gave me this flip calendar
with mother/daughter quotes
for each day.
Those words you said to me,
"Mom and daughter are not
to be friends," Mom
that hurts.
So I imagine you made
a 11:35 P.M. those
sticky notes over there
catch my eye.
What should I do with these?
I'll test one, see if they'll
stick.

I have many hideous scarves.
What is to be done with those
shoe boxes?

WHY didn't I start looking for
a job EARLIER???

12:04 A.M.

The stickies just fell and
made me jump.
I'll tape paper to the wall
instead.

12:13 A.M.

Maybe I won't sleep tonight.
I'll do my summer reading
like it's day, until I drop.

Stay with me.
Talk with me.
Make me talk to you.
I am a book yearning to be yanked
off the shelf and ripped open.
Don't just look at me or skim through.
Read all of my words.
Consider all of my words.
You read the description on
the back, maybe the first chapter,
You look at me from time to time...
But you do no more.
The least you could do is
read one more chapter!
But now you're reading another book.
Why?
Because my pages are ripped and the
cover torn?
Is the story too depressing?...
If you open the book again
you can change it. Make it happy.
Each time you look at this book
it brightens.
Until you look away again.
Open me.

My God is the wind.
I cannot see Him, but I know He's there,
waiting to swoop in when I need Him.
The gentle breeze is a loving caress,
the strong wind a fierce hug, trying to hold me together.
My God is the wind.

My God is the sun and the moon.
Though afar, I feel his warmth and he lights my way.
He is hidden by clouds of doubt, sin, and fear;
I see him better some days than others.
By Him I can see everything.
My God is the sun and the moon.

My God is the rain.
The mist is gentle kisses across my face.
The downpours tears of pain and sorrow,
the showers tears of joy.
The rain is a reminder, saying, "I love you,
I'm here, I can touch you, I want you."
My God is the rain.

Look at the stars, look how they shine
for you.
I make them shine for you.
Each of them I call by name.
For you.
I bled
for you.
I bled myself dry
for you.
Can't you see, I love you so.
I wrote songs
for you.
Why can't you hear? Why can't you see?
Why are you so far from me?
Child, my love, I am right here, I always have been,
for you.

You think we share
everything.
There's so much
more you don't know.
I don't know who to tell.
I can't face it.  I can't
tell anyone.
Not even you.
It's dragging me down.
Who is there who can
help me carry the
burden?
I have to admit that
I need something
but you will
only think me crazy.
I don't know what to do.

Where are you?
When I can't breathe right because
I miss you even though I've
never met you yet.
When I suddenly become
sad or anxious or afraid or angry or
frozen and I
need somebody to hold my hand or
to kiss me or
to rub my back.
Where are you?
I miss you. You are missing from
my life do you understand and I can't
stand feeling this way.

The mean reds.
I've had them.

Where is my Tiffany's?
I don't know what to do but
to give in to them.

You know that I was so lonely.
You know that you aren't the right guy for me.
But you want me to be happy.

So when Jon came along
and he appears to be a Christian, just like me,
You said he has a crush on me.
But a year had gone by
Since I'd told you I was lonely,
and I was so cold and miserable
that I needed to do something about it.

I lean on God and put all of my trust in Him.
He is my boyfriend, my husband. My hope, my joy.
I "Learn to Be Lonely" with the Phantom of the Opera,
listen to The Fray and Coldplay.

I tried to figure out why God made me lonely
and thought maybe he was punishing me,
or testing me like Job, or
maybe it just wasn't time for me.

I settled for this and I felt content.
But then Jon came along
and he appeared to be a Christian, just like me.
You said he has a crush on me.

Hon, I know you want me to be happy,
but I'm fine now. I haven't been depressed or
lonely since . . . well, for a few weeks I guess . . .
But you're pushing this, and it makes me anxious.
I just want some time to be okay with being
single.

Heart, what frightens you?
Heart, do not squeeze me so,
do not shake me so.
Stop your trembling:
you're making Lungs join in.
Confide in me!Stop this! Let me go! 
Come, there is no danger, see?
What was that about?
Now you will not tell me??
Please, I know you cannot help it,
please try not to do that again.

Wet and cold,
dark and dreary.
Pale and alone.

Watching the people from
above,
never allowed to join.

Isolated. All the clouds
float away.
Move toward the sun but
forced to slide by.
Cover the sun and the people
grow angry.

Far from God, far from
the people. Caught
in between.

Travel the world, place
to place.
Nothing changes. Still
forgotten, still glared
at, still floating away.

Can't get a hold of
myself, can't get closer.
Just keep floating away.

Autumn rain.
So depressing
so sad
so oppressing.
I feel danger in the air
I feel cold and alone
I feel a hug from God
I feel despair.

I am a small bird in an open cage.
Am I imagining this
broken wing,
or is it
real?
How will I know?
I can attempt to
fly and then
feel the pain when
I hit the
pavement.
Or maybe I will. fly.

I won't take the
chance.
I'm so
scared.

My mind is
so muddled.
What am I feeling?
Why do I feel this?
What makes me feel this?
What can I do?
How do I make it go
away?
How long will
this last?
I try to grasp an
answer to every
question.
As soon as I begin
the search
the answers flee
and the fog
rolls in
thick.

"How are you?"
Fine is a lie.
Good
is a lie.
Could you give me
a moment? Or
hundreds?

On my right
hand I have
hope and love...
in Christ.
On my left
hand
I have neither hope
nor love.
I don't feel it.
I must have it.
I don't see it.
I long for it.
I don't deserve it.
I am so unworthy.

I am so unworthy
of God's love, yet
I have it.
Why have I not
worldly love?

Lord, at least tell
me why.
Reveal to me
your plan, your
intent.

My heart is so
heavy, dragged
down by sorrow,
depression, longing, confusion,
worry, anxiety, hopelessness.
I can hardly
hold onto it
anymore.
My heart
is so burdened,
I cannot carry
it.

I hardly feel alive
anymore.
I hardly feel
like a person.
Who cares about
the drama?  About
trivial matters?
Anymore?
I am so tired.
Physically,
emotionally.
I would like to
get off this roller-coaster,
to get out
of this glass box.
The air is getting
stale.
I don't know how
much I can take.

So many things
I need to say.
Never the right time,
never the right
people.
Who will listen?
Who will not scoff?
Who is there that will
help carry the burden?
Who has the time?
Who has the care?

I know not why I feel the need to
cry right now,
why I have such sorrow.
Why I feel the need for
a warm embrace.
Why yelling and arguments
upset me.
Why am I so desperate for the
love of those who do not love
my God?
Why is His love not strong enough?
Why do mere children seek for pleasures
they do not understand?
Why am I all alone, God? Why have
you isolated me?
Show me what you or I can gain from
this. I beg you.
God, give me Job's strength, that I
may continue to praise you.
Are you testing me? Are you
preparing me?
I will fight for you. I will fight for
the truth, as long as it is called today.
But let me feel loved.
Please bring me out of this solitude.
But before you do so, help me to
shine your light through the darkness,
to light the pathway for others
that leads to you.
Please let it rain.
I need the world to know that
you are not okay with them and their
sin.
Remind them, O Lord, of your wrath.
Do not let the sun shine every day.
Yet there your love still remains
where the rain falls.
Just as the dead grass comes to life,
so must your people come to life.
Let them whither in the
sun no longer.
Lord keep me humble and meek.
Let me love and forgive freely,
as you do, O Lord.

Sometimes it takes me
A while to realize that God's
Been singing to me.

I should write
some positive
poetry.
My life is not
completely
as bad as I sometimes
make it
seem.

Distractions.
Momentarily take me
away from this pain.
I don't want to face it
any more.

Take me away.
Make me forget.
The swelling goes down
only to flare up again
when I return
to reality.

Distractions.
We know what happens
when we come back
to earth.
We know the pain
will return.
What is the point,
then?

What do we gain?
We are only
fooling ourselves.

Why am I pulling and clawing
at my clothes and skin?
...Anxiety attack, but why?
I'm being impatient...I don't know
what I'm supposed to be doing
in the meantime.
I'm panting and hyperventilating and trying to push the tears out...nothing's coming...What is the point?
What good will come of it?
But what CAN I do now,
at 11:11 p.m.? What CAN I do now?
I don't even know what I'm thinking, what
causes the ragged breathing to
turn on and off...I don't know what to think,
don't know how to find some small
bit of comfort to hold me off
till sleep comes.
God, this is when my faith is weak.
God, you are in control. You have
a plan for me.
God, give me strength, and let me feel
your presence and that of
those who are trying to reach out to me, God.
Let me feel it.
Let me feel it, in the meantime.

Searching for love
and hope,
I delve into God's
Word.
It is hard sometimes
to grasp that a
relationship exists
between yourself and
the Unseen.