Look at the stars, look how they shine
for you.
I make them shine for you.
Each of them I call by name.
For you.
I bled
for you.
I bled myself dry
for you.
Can't you see, I love you so.
I wrote songs
for you.
Why can't you hear? Why can't you see?
Why are you so far from me?
Child, my love, I am right here, I always have been,
for you.

The mean reds.
I've had them.

Where is my Tiffany's?
I don't know what to do but
to give in to them.

Where are you?
When I can't breathe right because
I miss you even though I've
never met you yet.
When I suddenly become
sad or anxious or afraid or angry or
frozen and I
need somebody to hold my hand or
to kiss me or
to rub my back.
Where are you?
I miss you. You are missing from
my life do you understand and I can't
stand feeling this way.

You know that I was so lonely.
You know that you aren't the right guy for me.
But you want me to be happy.

So when Jon came along
and he appears to be a Christian, just like me,
You said he has a crush on me.
But a year had gone by
Since I'd told you I was lonely,
and I was so cold and miserable
that I needed to do something about it.

I lean on God and put all of my trust in Him.
He is my boyfriend, my husband. My hope, my joy.
I "Learn to Be Lonely" with the Phantom of the Opera,
listen to The Fray and Coldplay.

I tried to figure out why God made me lonely
and thought maybe he was punishing me,
or testing me like Job, or
maybe it just wasn't time for me.

I settled for this and I felt content.
But then Jon came along
and he appeared to be a Christian, just like me.
You said he has a crush on me.

Hon, I know you want me to be happy,
but I'm fine now. I haven't been depressed or
lonely since . . . well, for a few weeks I guess . . .
But you're pushing this, and it makes me anxious.
I just want some time to be okay with being
single.

My God is the wind.
I cannot see Him, but I know He's there,
waiting to swoop in when I need Him.
The gentle breeze is a loving caress,
the strong wind a fierce hug, trying to hold me together.
My God is the wind.

My God is the sun and the moon.
Though afar, I feel his warmth and he lights my way.
He is hidden by clouds of doubt, sin, and fear;
I see him better some days than others.
By Him I can see everything.
My God is the sun and the moon.

My God is the rain.
The mist is gentle kisses across my face.
The downpours tears of pain and sorrow,
the showers tears of joy.
The rain is a reminder, saying, "I love you,
I'm here, I can touch you, I want you."
My God is the rain.

Sometimes it takes me
A while to realize that God's
Been singing to me.

11:18 P.M.

Want to sleep, don't want to.
Waiting for something.
An idea, an event.
Something to do.
Write on the walls.
Or the mirror or a shirt.
Draw something,
write something.
Go for a walk.
Sing a song.
Whole house is asleep.
Write a song,
don't have a piano.
And the whole house is asleep.
Clean my room?
That can wait.
Read something?

11:31 P.M.

Mom, you gave me this flip calendar
with mother/daughter quotes
for each day.
Those words you said to me,
"Mom and daughter are not
to be friends," Mom
that hurts.
So I imagine you made
a 11:35 P.M. those
sticky notes over there
catch my eye.
What should I do with these?
I'll test one, see if they'll
stick.

I have many hideous scarves.
What is to be done with those
shoe boxes?

WHY didn't I start looking for
a job EARLIER???

12:04 A.M.

The stickies just fell and
made me jump.
I'll tape paper to the wall
instead.

12:13 A.M.

Maybe I won't sleep tonight.
I'll do my summer reading
like it's day, until I drop.