when did it become like this?
too scared to let you go,
hanging on every kiss,
like it may be my last good bye.

i scan your beautiful face,
and taste your sacred lips,
and wonder why,
why have i done this to you?

my eyes burn,
and my throat is dry,
and the smell of ***** lingers,
stinging and cutting my strings.

in the dead of night i weep,
it the light of day i cry,
no comfort shall be brought,
i will have wasted no time.

for i never deserved that chance,
when in the early throws of october,
looked into your eyes,
and saw love staring back.

staring back.

and i still have absolutely no clue-
of what you saw.

It's like some old rap song.
left me wondering when you might be back,
that person that used to be,
he's gone and all that's left-
is some sewed together parts of a sac.
it used to be you wanted help,
you wanted to tell me of your love,
where you cared of your friends,
family, and me.
you know it was not me who made you this way.
i didn't chose your choices,
i didn't speak your words,
i didn't walk the path of the self righteous.

But i do remember walking beside you,
reading the wonderful words you used to write,
enjoying all your kisses and hugs,
feeling so happy every time i saw you smile,
and how much i looked up to you.
That two days apart would be too much,
and a thousand years together was never enough...

I remember who you were,
i know who you are,
and all i'm left with is one question.
Where'd you go....

Chills run up my spine as the spring air cools. I notice the sky behind me. Thunderclouds clash and lightning strikes at a distance.
      The storm is coming.
There are blurred faces everywhere, in a rush to get to safety. As the storm's fury would take their lives if they were to be trapped. But I do not fear the tempest. I hear it calling to me, as if to lure me into its eminent danger.
      The storm moves closer.
As if to intimidate me, the clouds taunt me with their peril, and the salty rain fills my eyes. The thunder is deafening. The downpour soaks my shoes, running off my coat in the middle of the gale.
       The storm is all around me.
Black thunderheads above me, the lightning strikes. The illumination casts shadows in the sky, a perfect silhouette.
       The storm is beautiful.

The storm moves on, the sun pierces the clouds, and a silver lining of discomfort and insecurity enter the void in my soul.
      The storm is my comfort.

As I sit a puff on a cigarette,
I remember once a clarifying dream-
Of finding my way when lost.

A journey of wonder and choices,
But a day like today-
when I ponder,
I cant help but seeing it different.

Of no lights when I reach the end,
No hand to hold-
When I reach a bend in the road.
Of a haunting darkness,
To which no God can illuminate.

The curve of an eyelash,
the accelerated beating of a heart,
the aching in my soul-
that makes me wonder if any of it is real.

Or gasping for air-
Under the crushing blows of the waves,
Feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders.

For once I dreamt and felt,
but now I only wreak of panic,
and blind messes.

When hearing clicks of remotes,
Cell phone buttons, and car doors.

Rolling jays all afternoon,
Listening to songs by Frank Ocean.

Laughing and when I'm happy,
The taste of sugar in my coffee.

Drunk on Captain Morgan,
And when I'm home alone at night.

Familiar smells, and on rainy days,
And when I feel scared.

In my dreams, on every page,
When I love.

No matter where I am,
or how I feel.

These are some moments when,
You know...

Tonight,
        I kick and I scream for him,
He yanks my hair-
        Bruises my young face-
My womb defiled-
        By an unknown intruder,
And tears silently streak-
        My nameless face.

For sometime later -
         In the darkness,
I dreamt of his ***** hands-
         Touching and feeling me,
And his grimy fingernails-
         Scraping at the inside of my eyelids.

Yet the dream has yet to end.
          For I lay here,
Comfortably asleep-
         With his arms around me-
Hot sweet breath on my neck,
          And I know he is to be-
There when I wake,
          He always is-
And will be forever.

But I will stand
          For love not hate-
And my strength not faint-
          Will be seen so on-
From this night.

Money is spent to make it all right
                  No expense can be spared for love you see
A clue to this damp but glorious played up ceremony
                And being admitted to an elite club of the insane
The asylum that many readily join including myself
             Offers some assurance to believing this passion is true

The demonic tones of an old piano
              Are tapped to the rhythm of my walk
A walk to the death some may argue
          Or maybe the plank to the life that’s more than this one
Clicking and stomping of expensive high-heeled shoes
             And the empty peoples clapping hands
Welcome an inviting tone to this unfamiliar place

Later, bragging and screaming and loud blues music
               Plays continuously in the background
Skeletons of once known adored people dance around
             Drinking frivolously and laughing hysterically
The cold bars and low-lighted floors
         Make for a tingling sensation to run down my spine

As I see you my friend, my angel, my beau
              It seems I will be spending my eternal life here
Always my mother and father say-
           Amongst leeches, roses,

And the ringing of wedding bells.

I gasp for breath while standing in the hurricane
The boat offering no shelter from the blistering wind-
Salty rain piercing my eyeballs,
Shivers of the reality running down my spine.

As I see the destiny that will become of me,
The great rocks protruding-
Mocking gravestones of the night.


in the thrashing constant motion of the waves,
the darkness of the moon consumes me,
And an unfamiliar shadow-
lurks over my torn vessel of a body.

death itself coming to receive me-
its long ***** fingernails pulling on frayed strings of my soul,
unraveling who I thought I was,
revealing who I now had to become.

I looked into its beady eyes of truth,
and in a moment of white clarity and strength-
life launched me back into the slow minutes of the day.


Air finally filling my lungs,
Back on the beach as the first heat wave of morning-
Flowed through the sand of my newly forgiven life.

The last of my strength was used to pull myself-
Away from the past of the thunderous ocean,
And onto the warm cradle of familiarity.

In that moment of safety and vulnerability,
Nothing was guaranteed,
But the sun reweaves my frays,
And once again they become-
Part of my soul.