If I were to perish tomorrow
by the hands that my mother
sculptured with her insides
I'd just want you to
forgive me.
And if you were to carry me out
the door
I would not be angry if you were
to have your tears fall upon me
I'd use it as my last chance to
drink up this world,
And I fear I have drank too much
because these words have never
been thought about in such depth until now
I bet you don't even know who I am
at this point
But if you were to come
looking for me
and my last hours were used up
please examine before i
become decomposition for the Earth's soil
And maybe i am not the science student
But i don't have much time to care
or to figure it out
I just need you to read my scars
and count my freckles because it is proof
that i have lived
I have fallen in love more than once and you
can see that with the bags under my eyes
((i haven't slept in days))
But soon enough my touch will not exist
I will be another paw print
because I am an animal
But i don't know of an animal
that would take it's own life
Aren't we all
as animals
suppose to soak up the sun
and appreciate the nature around us?
Maybe, I do not know what i am
or what any of you are
but use my veins as shoe laces and
tie them up tight
because I may not be able to, but you..
you can keep walking.

If you could hear me right now
Would you call again?
Even with knowing I would ignore your attempt
I was proud whenever we went out
And you showed off your tattoo
My name written along your chest
And I was proud
When you’d call me down
To the basement to show me
Your pile of Polaroid’s
And I saw who you were at 16
With golden gloves
For hands
And I was so proud that you were
My dad
But I must have forgotten what it was like before
Mom died
My 5 year old eyes
Watched you
Turn our house into a boxing ring
And you’d use your hands to show your anger
On a woman who loved you more than the world
I don’t blame the cancer
I blame you
She fought for her life
And you were giving her
A reason to not want to
Anymore
I must have forgotten this
After she left
I remember being on the front lawn
With my hands over my heart
Vowing to never leave that spot
Until she came home
But you are the one who dragged me inside
And told me my
Mumma was in the sky
And from that day on
You were my new best friend
I just wanted to be a kid
But you’d make me sit on your bed
And watch the home video
Where you married your best friend
And my t shirt soaked in a grown
Man’s tears
I watched that video so many times
It’s like I was there
I don’t know if you realize that
Not only did you lose your wife
But I lost my mom
I must have forgotten that because
I held you tight and said
“duddah don’t cry”
But there was a time
I’d stand in front of the knife drawer
When you two would fight
Just in case you would want
To experiment with new weapons
I know you wouldn’t
If I was there
To stop you
5 years old
And I knew what humans could hold
Inside them
And I must have forgotten that
Through the 3 years I was stuck alone with you
Until
I was sleeping soundly
And my 8 year old brain
Forgot that we had fire place tools
That were considered dangerous
And I walked out at 2 am
And saw you hurting
Someone who was supposed to be your friend
And I never stepped foot in that house again after that night

I was taken away

I found out later
That you had ran off
And they found piles of needles
Where you used to sleep
And I couldn’t accept
The fact that you would choose a
Drug over me
I couldn’t accept it
I couldn’t
I loved you
So much
I really believed it wasn’t true

Growing up
I no longer had you
At one point
You were doing better
But your veins had gotten lonely
And you fell back to your ways
And that was the day
I vowed
With my hands over my heart
I would never
Speak to you again

Would you approve of the one I love?
I blame you
Not for loving him
But for why I continue to
He chooses the evils in the world over me
Just like you
And he can’t see how much I love him
Just like you
And he will never love me more than the demons
He mistakes for happiness that creep on his skin
Just like you

But I can’t ignore his calls
And I want my shirt soaked in his sorrow
And I want to change him
Because I couldn’t change you
You’d think id learn
That you can’t make a human
Become a different person
Unless they want to be
And
Even though you can’t give it up
Just know I still love you
And as much and I hate to say it
I miss you
Because there was a time between all the ****** up things you’d do
Where we were inseparable
I’ve heard you don’t even talk about her anymore
I think you always felt she was with me
And if you don’t have me
Then you don’t have her
I blame you
And I am so sorry.

Usually when I tell my stories
They are a bit exaggerated but
I found what true desire was when
I walked in a room with strictly white walls
And saw you standing there
Like god had the angels sculpture every inch of your body
Making sure every bone was carved perfectly into place
So people in the future
Who dig our graves
Will study your fossils
And debate
If you were a human or maybe
Something more

I saw every scar
That formed into
Tick marks
On your spine
Along with every freckle
That was placed along your body
Like the constellations
I saw looking out my window
When you called
And asked me to sneak out to meet you
And I said no

And in that room
I trusted you
And let you open my chest
Like you were preforming
Open heart surgery
And I was dreaming
The whole time
But somehow could still see you
Dancing
To every beat
Like it was the first musical composition
Of A minors and B flats
Your ears have ever heard
And I could see your eyes racing

As you watched every pulse
When you were leaving your finger prints
For me to keep

I have never been able to feel
Any moment in time
Like I can with the minutes I spent with you
And all I remember after leaving
Was a road that went straight ahead
The ground was simply dirt
And I walked alone
With a pocket mirror
Leaving you behind
Because you refused to leave the place
Where our hearts had intertwined
You refused to leave that moment in time

I believe the silence in that room
Did not exist
After I left
The voices of demons came spilling
Out of the walls
Telling you every part of every moment we spent
Was wrong

But you still chose to stay in that room

I kept walking and using that mirror
To see if
I still had
Who you loved
Within me
When I had to deal with every consequence
That went with my temptation
With our temptation
And it was of good
Use when I wanted to look back
And try to find you
But you still seemed to be in that room
And I know the dumb thing would be to
Turn back so I didn’t
I only let my mind rewind
And pause at all my favorite parts
And some say you kept one foot in and the other out after a while
But that was all
And at that point I had already thrown
The mirror on the ground
Because I heard voices on the dirt path telling me to
Carry on
And I did
With empty pockets
And lonely hands
He tried to fit his fingers forcefully
Into the spaces yours fit perfectly
How could I ever find a suitable replacement
For a person
Whose fingerprints
Leaked into my veins
Like a virus
I promise
I do not look at it as a curse
But as your very own gift
And I am proud to be your live host
But without you
Its killing me
I have tried to avoid
Any moment in time
I felt anything for you
(You need to know I had no choice
But to lie
I was afraid of being alone
I didn’t want to leave that room
But you know I had to
I loved you so much
I still do
It drives me insane)
And I’d scream
I wanted nothing to do with you
Echoing
I wonder if you ever heard
But those screams were the demons
Trying to sculpture me
And I knew I couldn’t pretend anymore
I could only hope
You were coming for me
Because I was now struggling after miles and miles
My legs feeling heavier with every step
I could only hope
You could use your speed
And your way with strategy
To find a way to catch up to me
I’ve been waiting months
And I have become numb to any other moment in time
And unless you had taken the wrong
Route
Or had somehow gotten lost within the straight path
Because my foot prints did get washed away with the snow
That has gone and passed


If you had somehow gotten lost
I hope you realize which way you are
Suppose to be going
Because I am still here
Waiting for
You.

On september 10th
i waited on my couch
you told me that you
would meet me here
but all of a sudden you
were hesitant
you said that i was just
going to try to lure you back in

even though you never said that
in words
i knew that that
is what you meant

and i want you to know you
were wrong

and by 6 o'clock i was still waiting on that
**** couch for you to show
and then by 12 midnight
laying low in my bed
with salty tears falling
forming an ocean
id drown in
id realize then
that you were not going to show
you never
let me say the things
i wanted to say

because you were afraid
that id lean in to kiss you
or id lean in to hold you

but i believe that was your own fear
it was your fear
that if you had shown up
you would have want me to have done those things

and now that i have the
chance to say what
i want to say
ill say it to everyone
because when it was 3 am
and i was still crying for you
you had lost your chance
to have any secrecy

you see these hands?
they are of a human
and they have painted mistakes
that you can not bare to look at
because the paintings were for you
and you could not understand
how i could paint such madness
and then tell you the truth
and thats why you ran away
and proved to me that you are pretending
its been months and i am alone
because i am not afraid to show  what
im feeling
you have somehow convinced
yourself
that all the contradictions
you have made somehow make sense
blaming me for never having
time for your friends
when really you still lie to
them
because of your new girlfriend

you two started dating only a few weeks
after it was over
because you had thought i was
doing the same thing to you
but you were wrong
somehow trying to convince me
you are still hurt because
at one point my heart was in a different place
but then telling her
that you loved her the whole time
and never loved me anyway
so tell me how i could cause you pain
when you never loved me anyway

tell me that

but you know its all a good story
to add to your fantasy
and if you want me to remember you
as a liar
then its working
and then
you're the bad guy
and maybe you were the whole time
but i know you loved me
more than anyone
because i was your first

and even with your
baggy eyes and a forced frown
you pass by me to this day
and still can not take your eyes off me
and i know when you get home
you pretend to be happy
that it was from her house
but there are nights
you get home
and you lay facing away from the door
remembering there was a time
i filled the space
between you and the
sheets of drywall
and id wake you up after
11 o'clock
and say baby i have to get home
and you'd get up and drive me
and as i would leave
you couldn't take your eyes off me

and i hope
you and your new girlfriend are happy
but i still believe its all a show
because when i am around
and i see you two
she is all over you
laughing loud
and smiling a little bigger
because my eyes
are watching
because she knows
that the orginal is always better than the copy
and she is just a copy baby
she even knows
when she needs to let everyone
know you two are together it shows
because there will never be
anyone who will love you
when you cry
holding you a little tighter
but everyday i
i find out how much you lied
and i guess ive come to realize
that i don't love you anymore
but i miss you all the time
and that it just as worse

i dont understand how many worlds you can possibly
live in
and I'm afraid  your lies
may catch up to you
especially
when you are holding her close
and saying she is your world
but tell me this
if you are holding the whole world
then how the hell are you living in it?

The ocean waved goodbye
to the world
and the water fell to space

it wrapped around the stars
giving them a new home
the sky was gold
and i was holding on
to dear life

on a telephone pole
and i thought about
these papers
with my words carved into them
being pushed around
by all this wind

it was trying to push me too
but my strength was that
of God's with
the Devil's determination
so i ripped the telephone poll
out of the ground ((after making a few calls))
and

fought the world

that has been desperately
trying to fight me.

Your mind is
terrifying
your words are
beautiful
you know
more
than we know
you know
but that is ok
i loved you once
with my heart
that is crippled and cracked
but you see right through
my ****** up head
to ever love me back
i know your head
better than my own bedroom
but you know
my show
i put on for the world
i hate you
for all that you see
but love you because
you continue to still listen to my lies
and you know i wish they were true
you kissed me
and my heart
shut
down
in my world
there is no one
like you.

I have written everything
       down
Papers with every date documented
my fear is too
  overpowering
to let these words into your hands
So i will grow a garden
of one simple
plant
and place it inside of all these papers
     light the lighter
and watch the tip
burn
every memory you have given me- i inhale
and maybe
i will become so high
i see you here
and maybe i will feel so low
i will hold
you close
even though
i know i shouldnt
but when these tears
burn out the cloud of smoke- i exhale
i return to reality
and hear all the songs play over and over
i will forget
why i ever wrote any of my
own
words down in the first place
when i know that
they arent any of these songs
playing in my head
or on my speakers
and i know you will never listen
so maybe
i will get so high
i'll fall asleep
and hope to not see you there
((too bad i will))