You say it all the time
“I love you.”
And I hear it
I know.
But when you come home from a long day
And the world has beaten you down
And you feel like the only thing holding you together
Is the thin layer of flesh that covers your body
When you wake up and you feel that if you leave your bed
Somehow, there are puzzle pieces of you that are stuck inside your sheets
And on the nights when you cannot remember what sleep is
And your mind begins to crumble like sand in an hourglass
And your skull begins to feel empty
Hearing the words “I love you.” should fill the cracks of your aching body
Bind the pieces that seem to fall apart
Solidify the thoughts in your mind.
When you say “I love you”
I can feel it struggle to find its way to the areas of me that need care
But it cannot get past the part of me that has grown hard
I have never understood your love
And in the attempt to learn to, most of me has become callused
Years of numbing the pain to try and learn how you love
Only to become immune to it.
Please understand I am making changes, I am becoming my own person
I am leaving for now
I am leaving for the times that I felt uncomfortable eating
Because you always seems to have a comment about my size
I am leaving for the nights where all I remember is screaming
Pretending that everything was alright, even though I was scared to death
I am leaving for the times I desperately needed a shoulder to cry on
But knew that if I turned to you I would be scolded instead of comforted
I am leaving for the times where your anger would get the best of you
And you would push me in an attempt to win the arguement
I am leaving for all the times I was told to be quiet
When all I ever wanted to do was sing at the top of my lungs
I am leaving for the times when I should have been the one crying
But instead I comforted you because you couldn’t be strong
I am leaving for the times when you told me that what I was feeling wasn’t real
Because I had a good life
I am sorry that I cannot find a way to accept your love
That your words can’t seem to flow through my cracks with the same ease as others
But I am leaving
And maybe someday I will understand how you love me
And your words will make me feel warm instead of nothing at all
I am leaving
For now
But please don’t forget me

It took time for me to see we are different
We think different
We want different
You like your toast to stay bread
You long for familiarity
You know there is a chance that the toaster will burn it
Burn the bread so much so that you will be left with neither bread nor toast
But a mess of ashes like a shattered heart
And a smell filling your nose like memories fill your mind
Things change when bread becomes toast
Butters melt with the heat and everything become messier and harder to clean
Crumbs will fall slowly, just as you had for me
And I for you
I crave the warmth of toast.
Yes, it may seem hard to find the perfect setting on the toaster
But most things in life require trial and error anyways.
And the longer you wait, the more magnificent it is when you finally find it
I remember the day you told me you hated toast
I remember the day I realized you didn't love me
I spent so long looking for the perfect setting
And you played along the whole time, when you knew
You didn't even want it