i spent this year as a ghost
literally, this time last year
i was nervously joking about kissing your lips,
and i might miss you like hell
but please show me
where exactly i signed up for this,
this time last year he was alive
and at the time i blamed him for ruining my life,
but he did nothing in comparison to you,
oh gods i wish i knew the way out of this mess
it was so simple this time last year,
i knew my place,
i knew i had a place,
your warm embrace
and a small apartment - it was settled
on all but paper back then,
and now the thought of living in the same town,
hell, the same building as you
is a thought i dearly dread
where did we go wrong,
was it my needy voice,
did my hand hold too tightly onto yours,
if so im sorry it's just that
you were my purpose,
now im just spinning in circles
like a lion in a cage,
scared,
lost,
enraged,
you ****** me over good and proper yet
id still cling to you if i had the chance
i thought he was the one to ruin me
once and for all, i thought
you'd probably be the only person who'd never let go of me,
but would you look at this,
you broke me
and the guilt linked back to him's the only thing i see day and night,
see, now i have to live to prove he wasn't right,
i have to live to keep his memory alive -
instead of live to feel you breathing by my side
i spent this year as a ghost,
the ghost of some blind fool who trusted you to stay.
id die before apologizing once again,
ive said im sorry one too many times
(the word has lost its sense)
and what's the point in being sorry when
i still betrayed you, when
i still put him in an early grave by saying
who i am,
im sorry
sorry to no end
but im still who's to blame for this,
im sorry that i killed him as im sorry i dismissed
what we had,
i was being greedy - nothing new,
those unworthy of their lives will always aim for
robbing others of their happiness,
i took both yours and mine with just a line,
im sorry,
im so sorry,
i shouldn't be alive
you were the prettiest flower i had ever seen,
of course id be a pig, of course
i wouldn't stick to simply seeing,
please don't think ill of me if you do think at all,
and lastly thanks for this,
i probably needed to spend this year alone

there really is no thing quite as comforting
as having nature wash your tired body
and with it, having washed your tired soul

listen to chopin and mahler
eat instant noodles
stitch your feelings away on an old pair of jeans
wear sunglasses
appreciate the fact that people like donatella versace have spent their lives creating clothes for people like me and you
rewatch the tigger movie
bake a whole cake and eat it yourself or go on the street and feed strangers
tell the ******* the bus purple definitely is her color
change your hairstyle
draw or scratch your anger away
call a distant friend
ask your little sister what her day was like
walk around your neighbourhood at 12 am and make up stories about what people are doing
embrace chocolate as your lord and savior
remind yourself you no longer look like you did in 6th grade
be grateful you have what you have and be grateful you don't have it as bad as some do
remember that every time you thought you couldn't go on, you did
understand that you don't need anybody to approve you
never forget that you have about 25 billion white blood cells in your body who are protecting you with their lives
be happy for that couple you saw in the park
pet any animal you see, animals are breathing antidepresants
get more sleep
don't say "it could be worse", this brings bad luck; but be glad it's not, after all

you are your worst enemy and your best friend. nobody can hate you as much as you can hate yourself, and nobody can love you as much as you can love yourself. do whatever you want with this information.
2. don't hate yourself because you started smoking for a stupid reason. the world's brightest minds come to you to ask you for a light when you share a sin.
3. don't put scars where he touched you, no matter how rough his hands were and how fragile your skin.
4. you do not deserve the pain the world has ****** upon you, but neither does anyone, darling. bear your pain with pride, that's the only way to win.
5. go to as many concerts as you can, and take pictures. trust me, you won't see the band in the blurred image, but you will see yourself shouting at the top of your lungs and being alive, and this is a feeling you really ought to remember.
6. don't forget to take a break every other day. you're going through some tough ****. chill.
7. if a little kid asks you to play with it, try to do so. they all are eager to grow up, and when they do and regret it like hell, they'll have it easier if they remember a grown-up being a child with them. it'll remind them they still are kids. it'll remind you.
8. cooking is a great thing to do. make a pie when he's not calling and eat your feelings away. then make a pizza when you've had enough of him. then make some more cake cause you're awesome and you deserve it. a kitchen is a sacred place and what you do there is magic. do it more often.
9. if you don't like doing something, don't do it - or at least do it in a more comfortable way. i'm not saying drop out of school, but hey, why not? you live your life, and you at least have the right to make the mistakes that you want to make.
10. if you really wanted to kiss her, you would. think about that.
11. and if you really loved her, her saying no would mean no.
12. sun is the answer to most problems. go to the beach. get some tan. eat icecream. dive. there's a huge chance you'll feel better.
13. you are not a mistake, and you are not the worst person in your family, your school, or the world. you are a miracle. now shut up about failing in physics, not all of us are meant for physics. life goes on, no matter how you do at school, who you shouldn't have dated or how your hair looked back in sixth grade. seriously.
14. be quiet when you pass by graveyards.
15. tequila is not your friend. orange juice is. pour ***** in it if you wish, but trust me, you don't want that hangover.
16. do whatever makes you feel precious, and do it often enough to finally understand you just are.
17. remember that you won't lose your value as long as you believe you haven't.

all of these girls asking
"who would love a girl with
scars"
need to shut the hell up
cause i won't love you for your scars
the way i won't love you
for the color of your eyes
or for the sound of your voice
you can only love a soul
and a mind
so make your mind ******* glorious
and your soul worth adoration
and forget about your teenage mistakes
or no one indeed will love you

BUT WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO TEACH ME HOW TO BE PROUD
BY CALLING ME YOUR DAUGHTER?????????????????????????????
DO YOU THINK DENYING MY BEING A MAN
WILL TEACH ME HOW TO BE ******* PROUD???
DO YOU THINK I AM NOT PROUD?
I AM ALIVE. I GO OUT EVERY ******* DAY
AND THEY LAUGH AND TREAT ME LIKE A GIRL
AND I AM ALIVE AND I LOVE MYSELF AND I
AM
SO
PROUD
YOU SHOULD BE THE ONE LEARNING HOW TO BE PROUD
WHERE'S THE PRIDE IN LETTING YOUR LOVING HUSBAND
SHOUT AT YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN WHEN HE'S SO TRASHED
HE WOULDN'T MANAGE TO SPELL HIS UGLY NAME
WHERE'S THE PRIDE IN OBEYING A FILTHY DRUNKARD SWINE
WHERE'S THE PRIDE IN NOT SAYING A ******* THING TO HIM
BUT SAYING ALL THIS **** TO ME
I AM NOT WORSE THAN THIS FATHER OF MINE
AND I THINK IT WOULD BE HARD FOR  A HUMAN TO EVER BE
I AM STRONGER AND MORE PROUD THAN ALL OF YOU
HOW DO YOU DARE THINK YOU ARE MORE THAN ME
I SWEAR TO THE OLD GODS, ONE OF THESE DAYS I'LL JUST PACK MY STUFF AND LEAVE, AND I WON'T COME BACK NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU LIE TO ME THAT YOU'RE SORRY
YOU HAVE A PERFECT DAUGHTER ALREADY, LEAVE ME BE
LEAVE ME BE
*my ghost will find your ghost and tear it piece by ******* piece so that you know how it feels to have parts of you deleted

i.
you're hanging off the cross assigned to me and before i
              appreciated it - i did, 't was really sweet of you
  it seemed quite innocent at first; they threw stones at you, yes,
but
                    couldn't really hit you
      they yelled and laughed and pointed at you
           and i felt bad(though, hate me if you wish, i was so glad it
wasn't me they hit)for you, yet far not bad enough to start a crusade
in your favor(would you? start a crusade for me? i doubt)
   now it's starting to get ugly and
     imsorryimsorryimsorryforbeingselfish
they're munching on your flesh, devouring your """""sins"""""(they made them all up), they open their filthy mouths and blood, your blood falls down their crooked chins as they laugh and choke on you and keepondemolishingyou
        their stones don't miss you anymore, and
neither do their knives
(BUT YOU ARE PROUD) you wouldn't ask for
            help youareamanyoucanbearthisitsnotabig


                            ­                                                                d­eal
(and i now want to get you off my cross but
                        i don't think i can)

ii.
i'm holding out my hand at you
     but you would die before you reach for
                              it.

iii.
     AND THE WORST PART IS YOu make me want to strip
out of my clothes and help you out of yours and
       have you till i stop wanting to tear my skin apart
       till we can't say day from night, till
               you and i can't walk and hardly manage to
  inhale-exhale-inhale
      till we forget we hate the world
      till we forget to hate
  i want to burn with you for you under
                       you
and this is really bad

iv.
      pleasejustgetupfromyourchairwalkovertomekissmehard­kissmylipsandeyesandwriststhendragmetoyourhousandne-verletmegople­aseplease please

v.
   i'm scared of them and it is you they
h(a)unt

i
hate
the
way
you're
so
a
w
a
y

нямам сили да умея
и си правя онази
тетрадка с хубави
мисли от толкова
много време че не
помня кога изобщо
я започнах и ти
ми липсваш със
силата на хиляда
горящи слънца
искам да изпуша
всичките цигари на
света и да спя и спя
докато той най-сетне
не свърши всичко
ме дразни безумно
искам да я хапя а
не знам дали тя ще
ми позволи ноктите
ми се олющиха и
някак ми се плаче
а уж съм щастлив
мамка му искам
да пия уиски и водка
защото след това
няма да чувствам
нито краката си
нито сърцето си
кокалчетата ме
болят и е приятно
искам да пребия
някого или пък
някой да пребие
мен имам нужда
да кРЕЩЯ но да
събудя всички ще
е невъзпитано а
и съм уморен от
това да бъда
уморен винаги и
вечно котките
бягат от мен и
чаят ми свърши
трябваше да пия
повече кафе днес
моля те бъди при
мен най-сетне не
понасям тъпото
разстояние не
го искам искам
само теб защо
си далеч какво
правиш сега какво
правиш съвсем без
мен какво те кара
да се усмихваш
толкова е трудно
като знам че ти
си там а аз съм
тук и нямам си
никого и никой
няма мен.

you two were
laughing about it
and so i joined you
and we smoked and
acted all silly
and pretended it was
notabigdeal
but
she(16, 5'7", 110.23)
collapsed
and though we bought her
chocolate(which she didn't
even try to eat)
and water
and sat next to her so she could
lean on something soft
and it seemed pretty fine
i think we were all
more frightened
than we seemed

we can smoke to-morrow
i can hold your hands
tell me all your sorrows
you know i've been there
we can sit and cuddle
on the marble stairs
it will not be sudden
it will not be strange
we can smoke to-morrow
we can kiss and bite
i know all your sorrows
they've always been mine

it's one of those nights
when i want to smoke a pack
and drink enough to start crying
when i really don't want to talk about it
when i'm so fine
i'm not fine
i'm not fine at all
i'm at my lowest
yet tyler ******* durden would mock my definition of
"the bottom"
it's one of those nights when
i want to get deeper
because
only when you reach the bottom
you can rest
you can even make it comfy
it won't possibly get worse, so
why go for making it the best?
that, you can't have
cause life is a *****
and we are imperfect and
we are god's unwanted children
and other horribly amazing quotes
it's one of those nights when
i want to jump in front of the last train
and become an awful, fascinating piece of art
but that wouldn't be reaching the bottom
that would be avoiding it
and i'm a tough guy, all right?
all right?????
it's one of those nights
when nothing seems right or real
when i blink really fast and
when i'm not sure this is the proper way to breathe
when i miss everyone; when
i miss even you
and i hate you in my guts because
YOU ARE THE REASON I'M THIS WAY
YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU
YOU *******
it's one of those nights when i wish you were here
when i wish you'd still pretend i was important
you'd help my heart function properly
(you stole it you burned it you killed it you monster)
it's one of those nights
but you have her now
and i have no one
and i want to smoke a pack
and drink until i cry
and cut until i die

well, well, god help
me, now have i
******* up! this
is a whole new
shade of awful!
i'm down again and
yet i still pretend
i'm! so! happy!!
and yellow is the sun
and jolly is my soul
and lord have mercy
on me and i'm! so!
alone! and i am cold
and i forgot the
mechanism of
breathing, oh i
need help! but i'm
so, happy, see? see!
can i still get into
heaven if i ****
myself? is there
heaven? is there
hell? IS THERE
ANYTHING
AT ALL LORD
HAVE MERCY
I'M! SO! STRONG!
**I DON'T WANT
TO BE ALONE

they say that
once
there was nothing but
chaos
and with time
every pile of chaotic asteroids
became a planet
it took great powers and many years
but
it happened

well, thanks to you
i am a pile of chaotic asteroids
*and to think i was a whole planet once

the white town is calm and so quiet.
its people are ever asleep.
they know no such thing as "desire".
you could tell they don't really live.
the white town is cold and abandoned.
its people are ever asleep.
their visitors are never welcome.
they come and they cry and they leave.
the white town is sick. i don't like it.
its people are ever asleep.
i never go there cause they'll make me
stay there and forget how to breathe.
they're vicious enough, though asleep.

i'd hold hands with you
if i didn't know
it would only make you think
i'd replace your hand

I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE
I DON'T WANT TO BE HER

аз ти той ние вие те
аз - провал
ти -  не стигат думи
той- КУЧЕ
ДА СЕ ОБЕСИ
ние - далечни, ви
е - по-долу
те -КУЧЕТА
ДА СЕ
ЧЕРно и сиво
?аз не ти ДА
той ИЗОБЩО
ние май
вие? те?!
аз! ТИ!
всичко
нищо - **те