i always thought
you were thru traffic
that you were just jet lag
background noise
the kiss in the rain
i've never had
but what if you aren't?
what if this
was the thousandth time
i have loved you?
what if this is just a fresh coat of paint?
what if god
keeps a handkerchief
soaked in the day we met
next to his bed?
maybe theres a reason
i reach for no one in bed
the way i would
if someone used to be there
you know, they say
the road behind us
is littered with things
we couldn't hold onto
i wonder how many times
you've slipped through my hands
like hour glass sand
do you know
how much erosion you've caused?
i heard cupid
stopped keeping count
of how many times
we came together
just to come apart again
maybe it was just a rumor
it makes me think
about how many times
i've almost had you
like if all this talk
about history repeating itself
endlessly replaying is true
i wonder how many times
things have happened already
like the time
i tried talking you
into loving me back
back fired
or the time i could have sworn
jesus & lazarus were playing chess
with my heartbeat
but it was only you smiling
how many times
have i tried to tell you
how many times
have you read this poem
how many times
have i tried not to meet you
in my dreams anymore
it's like sleep tries to warn
me of what's happening
before it does but
i keep having this dream
where i tell you bedtime stories
and each one
is a different way you die
and in every one
i can never save you
it's like you're this song
i have on repeat
and every time it starts over
i forget the words
it's like you picked up the book entitled "us"
and the back cover
said you'd leave
so you never bothered reading it
tell me you aren't
going back in that bookstore
just to do it again
or will you tell me tomorrow?
or is this the time
you don't say anything at all?
if this has all happened before
if we call it quits
before we begin
again
from the beginning
i just want to ask you
to be my fire
because i am tired
of these old lives
and i'd like to see them
burn

I have this bad habit where I think about how much I miss you so I cry myself to sleep

There is a thousand distant suns above me.

Five months and you're still everything I want.
Five months and I drowned myself with liquor and clouded my brain with smoke.
Funny how you stopped drinking for me but now I'm the one drinking because of you
Funny how the only trips I took were road trips until you went and disappeared.
Five months and I'm scared it will only progress.
Five months and I'm scared I won't be okay.

Missing you is like putting a gun to your head to finally end it all
but only to find out the bullets have been taken out
when you try to pull the trigger
And that's when the hole in my chest gets bigger
But loving you, oh
loving you was a benediction
almost as severe as an addiction
And hating you, well,
that never quite worked out
I could never muster up enough disdain,
even through all the pain
But loving you, oh
loving you was like getting caught in the rain
only to splash in the puddles
And missing you is like
picking a rose only to get pricked by its thorn
But loving you, oh
loving you is like knowing you shouldn't walk barefoot on broken glass,
but doing it anyways.