I just want to be numb again. I just want to be numb again. I just want to be. I want to be. I don't want to be. I don't. I just. **** it. I don't want to be anymore. I don't. I don't. I want the easy way out. I want to chase life's exit door. I want to push and shove life's exit door. I want to exit. I want an exit. Please. I just want to leave. I've never been good at staying. I learned from my father. My biggest fear. I'm just like him. I want to leave. I need to leave. What's the point of staying? That's always been so foreign to me. What's it like to stay anyway? It doesn't matter though. I'm glad at leaving. Well not so good apparently because I've been trying to leave since I was a kid. Since middle school actually. I guess I'm exactly like my father. Always leaving but never man enough.

i don't watch home movies
hate them
reason being because
when i was young
i was looking for a movie
my mother
had recorded for me
and accidentally
put one in the vcr
that i'm not sure
i was supposed to see
i know the obvious response
"uh oh, ****"
sorry to disappoint
they were only marked with dates
  1991
on live television
montel williams asks my father
"how can you just throw
your child away like a piece of trash?"
   1994
i spend so much time
in the emergency room
that my parents stop
penciling in growth marks
on the frame
of my bedroom door
i always thought
it was because they believed
i would never grow out
of this sickness
sometimes i believe
the reason that they
never bought me a dream catcher
was because they never thought
i'd live long enough
to see them come true
   1996
i am eliminated
from a spelling bee
because i didn't know
the 'dad' is silent in 'family'
   2013
before i got into poetry
i used to do standup
none of my jokes were funny
one of the other comics
tells me my skits are dry
sometimes sad
he says "why don't you joke
about something like your family?"
so i say
"i never wore any sunblock
because i didn't want anything
to keep me from my father"
i say "what do you call christmas
without lights or heat?"
before he has a chance
to answer
i say "1997. better yet
why don't you
make like a dad and
leave"
   2014
every time we drive
past the hospital
my mother reminds me
how much it cost to save my life
like she'd rather
have her money back
she doesn't have to say
that sometimes she wishes
it was me who had died
instead of my brother
i can hear it in the way
she says "love you"
sometimes i imagine
that if i were to die
that she
would pick out a casket for a child
because she never loved
the person i became
yesterday i told my father
how close i'd been
to suicide lately
and he said
"that's my boy,
livin on the edge.."
and i can't remember
if i laughed
or cried

I'm free. I don't miss you anymore and I no longer have you in the form of the ache in my chest. It feels so good not to miss you. After ten months of hell, I came out alive. I don't regret the three years of life we shared, but I'm glad that all the agony is over. You don't know how good it feels to finally write about you without crying. You don't know how good it feels not to miss you, how good it feels to go the entire day without thinking about you. I had this constant hope that you would come back and that very hope ended up destroying me, but it's done; it's over. I can finally say your name without wincing. It feels so **** good to finally be free. You were my first love and you helped shape me into the woman I want to become, but it's a relief to have gotten through those dreadful ten months. You may never know the hurt you put me through, but I hope that you never come across such misery. I've decided to write my farewell so it can act as a symbol of ending a chapter I once hoped to never end. I have loved you with such intensity, and perhaps I always will, but I am no longer in love with you. It was not what I wanted at first, but it was what I had to do. I am thankful for the impact you made in my life. You came when I needed you most. I cherish what we had, but it is time to bid you goodbye. I will always wish you nothing but happiness and, as cliche as this sounds, you will always have a special place in my heart. Thank you for the love you gave and thank you for the pain you (unintentionally) caused. I have loved you, Christophe Andrew Brandon Rithmisto, but it's time I don't.

I will love you through the pain.
I will love you through the silence.
I will love you even across galaxies.
But to what cost?
How destroyed do I have to be for you to come back?
How drunk do I have to get until the hole in my chest disappears?
How high do I have to get until you're lost in the smoke?
But even then,
I will love you through the pain.
I will love you through the silence.
I will love you even across galaxies.
But shouldn't it have gotten easier?
Shouldn't I have been able to hear our songs without crying?
Shouldn't I have been able to hear your name without wincing?
Shouldn't I have been okay after eleven months of one sided conversations?
But even then,
I will love you through my pain.
I will love you despite your silence.
I will love you even across the galaxies placed between us.
I will love you because I do not know how to stop.

you got a fast car
i want a ticket to anywhere
maybe we can make a deal
maybe together
we can get somewhere
anyplace is better
starting from zero
got nothing to lose
maybe we'll make somethin
me myself i got nothin to prove

i've been wondering
when it stops
people say it stops
when you want it to
but how do i tell that
to my dreams
when all i can think about
is running up to kiss you
in the parking lot of anywhere
it makes me wanna drink
and say everything
like sometimes i think about
what it would've been like
if i had let you go
when i
was still strong enough to do it
like i never knew hell
had such a pretty voice
like i tried to make it all day
without saying
"wish you were here"
like lately i've been going back
to all the places we've been
to see what it's like without you
it is the worst game
of hide & seek
every time i close my eyes
to count
you just go home
i seem to only wear my seat belt
on days you call
on days you're all *never been better
and i just wanna tell you
how much I hate window shopping
and daylight goodbyes
you just sit there
when you could say anything
you could tell me
you noticed i started drinking again
you could even make it up
you could say you miss me, too
you could say
you missed me so much
that the other day
you accidentally bought
two coffees instead of one
you could tell me
how you've been
without me
that you sleep so much better
these days
without having to worry
you can say what you have
to just don't say leaving
was like shooting fish in a barrel
cause i swear i'm nostalgic
for things i pretended were real
and i swear
i don't want a seance
until there's something
worth bringing back
take me back
to all the places i tried to love you
back to a time
where i knew my name  
without you having to say it

*you got a fast car
is it fast enough
so we can fly away
you gotta make a decision
leave tonight
or live & this way

8 months have passed and I still miss you. It's getting easier though. Our song played today and I didn't cry. Should I be worried?