it’s funny what your mind forgets
when it’s trying to protect you
from the past

she spent so many nights at my door
i thought she would visit and leave
but now she’s in the ******* spare room

i have never touched anything without destroying it
so let me touch myself for you, baby
watch
as
i
rot

i’m haunted by a word, no, a murmur
a laughing, lilting lullaby that echoes inside my ears
and crawls around the walls of my head on all fours.
it’s a *****, dogged ******* with a bullet for a tongue and, in turn, a mouth like a loaded gun
and maybe that is why my brain bleeds
i’ve never known how to fall in love without dying
i’ve never known how to love without killing myself
i have never known how to love myself and another simultaneously
and so the word "love" is evil and it is poisoned
and it is still dripping with the spit of my former lovers from when they carelessly let it drip off of their tongues and into my cotton mouth
and i drank it in greedily because i was so parched for affection and i lacked the emotion that i thought a lover could give me
when they were actually absorbing every ounce that i had and using it for their own ******* glow
let’s talk about the fact that i’ve been run dry
and that the hollows of my bones are filled with dust
and that my heart is caught in such a drought that it’s cracking and chipping and breaking as we speak
and now my lungs are burning from all the cigarettes
and my throat is charred from how many times i've caved in and told you that i love you
but i'll admit that every time you say it back it's like you're pouring something ice cold into my open mouth

i’ve been cursed with eyes that wander and a heart that bleeds
with a head that pounds and a tongue that screams
i can’t help that i’m so evil, the devil lives inside of me

i’ve got a lingering wickedness that lives in my bones
i know that you love me, that’s why i think you should know
that i’m just a puppet putting on a show

i’m sorry you’re cursed to fall in love with me
yes, i said cursed, because you’ll never be free
i’ll keep you in chains until the day that i die
and babygirl, even then, you’ll still be mine late at night

i’m haunted by a word, no, a murmur
a laughing, lilting lullaby that echoes inside my ears
and crawls around the walls of my head on all fours.
it’s a *****, dogged ******* with a bullet for a tongue and, in turn, a mouth like a loaded gun
and maybe that is why my brain bleeds
i’ve never known how to fall in love without dying
i’ve never known how to love without killing myself
i have never known how to love myself and another simultaneously
and so the word "love" is evil and it is poisoned
and it is still dripping with the spit of my former lovers from when they carelessly let it drip off of their tongues and into my cotton mouth
and i drank it in greedily because i was so parched for affection and i lacked the emotion that i thought a lover could give me
when they were actually absorbing every ounce that i had and using it for their own ******* glow
let’s talk about the fact that i’ve been run dry
and that the hollows of my bones are filled with dust
and that my heart is caught in such a drought that it’s cracking and chipping and breaking as we speak
and now my lungs are burning from all the cigarettes
and my throat is charred from how many times i've caved in and told you that i love you
but i'll admit that every time you say it back it's like you're pouring something ice cold into my open mouth

i’ve got ghosts curling out of my mouth and they’re dancing with my cigarette smoke
they’re pressing their vacant mouths to the nicotine lips
wispy entrails of fog intertwine with the skeletal hands of my past selves
i feel like i’m intruding on an intimacy not meant for my eyes
like i’m witnessing the kind of love i’ve never known
but it’s desperate and needy and grabby and it gets uglier the longer you look
and what i thought was a love story looks more like horror
what i thought was a tender touch was just the beginnings of a hand closing around a throat
what i thought was a kiss was just the beginnings of a soul being ****** from the inside out

but then suddenly i’m smoking a cigarette filter and it seems the story is over.

a re-lit cigarette never tastes the same
the stale smoke is thinner and quieter and drier than the usual tar-based fog
your mouth always tasted like the pomegranate lip balm you wore
(the lip balm i always stole in your absence because i missed your mouth on mine)
mixed with the sharp bite of your cigarette smoke
i smoked reds
you smoked blacks
and in turn, my taste changed to match yours because you are my favorite flavor
and i remember the day when you kissed me
and your lips tasted like a re-lit cigarette
and it wasn’t even a marlboro
and i knew you didn’t love me anymore

My baby's got it wrong-
She thinks she tastes like vinegar,
And that she's made of acid that will burn you from the inside out.
When really she's sweeter than the candy she eats,
And the taste of her makes my jaw ache.

My baby's got it wrong-
She thinks her tongue is a weapon that's been forged in her faults,
And that the iron of her heart is still smoldering angrily from the heat.
When really her kiss cools the fever in my head,
And she soothes the burns on my mind.

My baby's got it wrong-
She thinks she goes down like a pill that's swallowed dry,
And that her love gets caught in my throat.
When really she glides across my tongue like cough syrup,
And I think she's curing me of the cold that's in my heart.

never been too good at love
well, i mean, i thought i was
that was when you first came along
but now you're gone and i know i was wrong

every single kiss that you press to her cheek
i know that you don't ever think of me
i was never enough to mean that much
it's okay, you're not the only one

i don't love you like i used to, i swear that i don't
i know i wasn't the best, but you didn't have to go
i've never been loved, i never will be
i don't matter enough to be loved properly

it's okay, don't worry, there's a pattern here
you're not the first to leave me,
or the first to disappear.
you won't be the last, that much is true
so i may as well give up, we both know that's nothing new

i don't know what happened, it's all just a blur
i wish that you'd wanted me the way you want her
but it's done now, i'm alone, and trust me it's fine
i don't need you anymore, so i guess that's goodbye

i’m trying to write but i don’t know what and i can’t find the words if i don’t even know what i’m thinking or feeling oh god i am losing my mind

i went to confession today
but when i looked up into the priest’s eyes the only sin i could find on my tongue was your name

do you remember when the love we had turned to hate and all i could hear was screaming screaming screaming screaming screaming

life is a girl who sleeps on rooftops at 2 am, she is so mean ******* on candy cigarettes, sullen baby girl wearing sunsets on her hip bones. she is so so mean in rattling train cars into nowhere, and she has all your secrets in her pockets, crumpled receipts and melted candy bars and when he kissed you on the playground and tasted like peppermint schnapps and nothing nothing nothing.

can you tell me why my chest feels so empty? why there’s a heart-shaped cavity beneath my collarbones? why my rib cage is vacant? why my eyes don’t shine like they used to, why they’re dull and flat? why they changed from green to grey? from blue to bloodshot? can you tell me what extinguished the fire in my blood? what shorted out the electricity in my bones? who killed the light in my smile?

you will regret this and you will regret this and you will regret this

you will think you have it all and then you will remember that you do not have me

YOU ARE NOTHING WITHOUT ME

you are nothing without me

you are mean mean mean so mean but i am meaner and i will choke you with my absence

the lack of me will strangle you

and i will laugh

and i will laugh

and i will laugh

THE DEVIL LIVES INSIDE MY BODY but only when you are around

i am so mean i am so mean i hope i give you nightmares

i want to hear you scream screaming screaming my name scream my name in agony no one can hear you

YOU SCREAM UPON DEAF EARS

YOU ARE A FOOL YOU ARE A FOOL YOU ARE SUCH A FOOL

i hope your laughter echoes through your empty ribcage i hope the shell of your heart caves in soon i hope the soles of your feet and the souls of your feet are gone gone gone

so mean

so so mean

i am a star no i am a planet no i am a galaxy no i am the universe and i can destroy you when i smile

you are a chapter no a word no a single letter in my book and you do not make me smile

i hate you ihateyouihateyou

IDONTLOVEYOUANYMORE

you did it you did it you broke me i shattered

BUT NO LONGER YOU DIDNT YOU DIDNT

you didn't think i could get back up you didn't you didn't

you didn't think i was stronger than you no no no no NO

I DO NOT NEED YOU BUT BOY OH BOY DO YOU NEED ME i do not need you

your voice echoes through the vents of this house
and i'm thankful that light travels faster than sound
because i need to see you
before i can hear you
so i know when to plug my ears

as time goes on, the clock continues to tick.
the words in your head are a monotonous click.
the swinging of the pendulum just makes you sick.

everything passes and goes by too fast.
you’re haunted by questions you never did ask.
and as life drags on, you’re assigned a task
to pretend you’re not dead, while you’re wearing a mask.

it drives us insane, and we can’t wait to die.
and we’re wondering why all we can do is cry.
and the question that haunts us is why do we lie?

it becomes who we think that we really are,
we are nothing but the fact that we’re all covered with scars.
and now it turns out that death is all that we are.

i couldn’t tell if the black coffee got sweeter as i drank it, or if i just got accustomed to the bitterness, and i supposed i could say the same thing about you

he told me, "put out your cigarette."
i told him, "i just lit it."
he told me, "now."
i told him, "okay."

i asked him, "do i repulse you?"
he told me, "yes."

i asked him, "do i disgust you?"
he told me, "yes."

i asked him, "am i pathetic?"
he told me, "yes."

i asked him, "am i a bad person?"
he told me, "depends on who you ask."

he told me, "hurt me."
i told him, "i can’t."

i told him, "hurt me."
he told me, "easy."

he told me, "i love her."
i told him, "you’re a liar."
he told me, "i love you."
i told him, "you’re a liar."

he told me, "this is wrong."
i told him, "christ, i know."
he told me, "i can’t."
i told him, "pretty baby, i’m yours."
he told me, "you’re disgusting."
he told me, "come here."

he told me, "you’re repulsive."
i told him, "good."

he told me, "you’re disgusting."
i told him, "i know."

he told me, "you’re pathetic."
i told him, "i love it."

he told me, "you’re a bad person."
i told him, "i know."

he told me, "i want you."
i told him, "take me."

he told me, "*******."
i told him, "please do."

he told me, "**** me."
i told him, "i want it."

i told him, "**** me until i’m not sad anymore."
he told me, "i will."

he told me, "give it to me."
i told him, "here."

he told me, "let me give it to you."
i told him, "give it to me."

he whispered, "baby, you’re such a good girl."
i told him, "let me be your good girl."
he told me, "i want a bad girl."
i told him, "i’ll be bad for you."
i told him, "tell me how you want me and i’ll give it to you."

he asked me, "how bad are you willing to get?"
i told him, "as bad as you want me."

he told me, "you’d do anything i ask, you pathetic *******."
i told him, "i know."

he told me, "you need me."
i told him, "i know."

he told me, "christ, you’re pitiful."
i told him, "i don’t care."

i asked him, "do you like me like this?"
he told me, "no."
i told him, "you’re lying."
he told me, "i hate it."
i told him, "you love to hate it."

he told me, "you’re the devil."
i told him, "thank you."

he told me, "you and i both know that all you want is my approval."
i told him, "i love it when you’re right."

he told me, "you’re mine, and i’m not yours."
i told him, "i’m yours."

i told him, "i’m disposable."
he told me, "you are."

he told me, "i think you need to get naked."
i told him, "ask me nicely."
he told me, "get naked now."
i told him, "only because you asked me nicely."

he told me, "you’re literally nothing."
i told him, "i’m nothing without you."
he told me, "you’re nothing with me, either."

i told him, "take advantage of me."
he told me, "i already am."

i told him, "tell me you hate me."
he told me, "i hate you."

he told me, "tell me you love me."
i told him, "i love you."

he told me, "i don’t love you."
i told him, "i don’t care."

he told me, "i hate you."
i told him, "i love you."
he told me, "i love you."
i told him, "i hate you."

he told me, "i want you."
i told him, "i know."

i asked him, "how do you want me?"
he told me, "in every way possible."

he told me, "you want it."
i told him, "i know."
he asked me, "how bad?"
i told him, "you know."
he told me, "tell me."
i told him, "more than anything."

he asked me, "why is everything with you ****** now?"
i told him, "probably because there’s nothing else left."

he told me, "i don’t like it."
i asked him, "what do you like?"

i told him, "you like who i used to be."
he told me, "i do."

he asked me, "what happened to the girl you were?"
i told him, "she’s dead."
he asked me, "what happened to you?"
i told him, "i’m dead."

he told me, "get your ******* **** together."
i asked him, "why bother?"

he told me, "this is pitiful."
i told him, "i know."

he told me, "leave."
i told him, "no."

he told me, "you’re a wreck."
i told him, "****, i know."

he told me, "goodbye."
i told him, "okay."

destroy what destroys you
go on and pull the trigger
hang on, you can't aim the gun at yourself
darling, it's something much bigger

and my breathing was shallow
and my rib cage was empty
and where my heart should have been, there was


nothing