it’s funny what your mind forgets
when it’s trying to protect you
from the past

she spent so many nights at my door
i thought she would visit and leave
but now she’s in the ******* spare room

i have never touched anything without destroying it
so let me touch myself for you, baby
watch
as
i
rot

i’m haunted by a word, no, a murmur
a laughing, lilting lullaby that echoes inside my ears
and crawls around the walls of my head on all fours.
it’s a *****, dogged ******* with a bullet for a tongue and, in turn, a mouth like a loaded gun
and maybe that is why my brain bleeds
i’ve never known how to fall in love without dying
i’ve never known how to love without killing myself
i have never known how to love myself and another simultaneously
and so the word "love" is evil and it is poisoned
and it is still dripping with the spit of my former lovers from when they carelessly let it drip off of their tongues and into my cotton mouth
and i drank it in greedily because i was so parched for affection and i lacked the emotion that i thought a lover could give me
when they were actually absorbing every ounce that i had and using it for their own ******* glow
let’s talk about the fact that i’ve been run dry
and that the hollows of my bones are filled with dust
and that my heart is caught in such a drought that it’s cracking and chipping and breaking as we speak
and now my lungs are burning from all the cigarettes
and my throat is charred from how many times i've caved in and told you that i love you
but i'll admit that every time you say it back it's like you're pouring something ice cold into my open mouth

i’ve been cursed with eyes that wander and a heart that bleeds
with a head that pounds and a tongue that screams
i can’t help that i’m so evil, the devil lives inside of me

i’ve got a lingering wickedness that lives in my bones
i know that you love me, that’s why i think you should know
that i’m just a puppet putting on a show

i’m sorry you’re cursed to fall in love with me
yes, i said cursed, because you’ll never be free
i’ll keep you in chains until the day that i die
and babygirl, even then, you’ll still be mine late at night

i’m haunted by a word, no, a murmur
a laughing, lilting lullaby that echoes inside my ears
and crawls around the walls of my head on all fours.
it’s a *****, dogged ******* with a bullet for a tongue and, in turn, a mouth like a loaded gun
and maybe that is why my brain bleeds
i’ve never known how to fall in love without dying
i’ve never known how to love without killing myself
i have never known how to love myself and another simultaneously
and so the word "love" is evil and it is poisoned
and it is still dripping with the spit of my former lovers from when they carelessly let it drip off of their tongues and into my cotton mouth
and i drank it in greedily because i was so parched for affection and i lacked the emotion that i thought a lover could give me
when they were actually absorbing every ounce that i had and using it for their own ******* glow
let’s talk about the fact that i’ve been run dry
and that the hollows of my bones are filled with dust
and that my heart is caught in such a drought that it’s cracking and chipping and breaking as we speak
and now my lungs are burning from all the cigarettes
and my throat is charred from how many times i've caved in and told you that i love you
but i'll admit that every time you say it back it's like you're pouring something ice cold into my open mouth

i’ve got ghosts curling out of my mouth and they’re dancing with my cigarette smoke
they’re pressing their vacant mouths to the nicotine lips
wispy entrails of fog intertwine with the skeletal hands of my past selves
i feel like i’m intruding on an intimacy not meant for my eyes
like i’m witnessing the kind of love i’ve never known
but it’s desperate and needy and grabby and it gets uglier the longer you look
and what i thought was a love story looks more like horror
what i thought was a tender touch was just the beginnings of a hand closing around a throat
what i thought was a kiss was just the beginnings of a soul being ****** from the inside out

but then suddenly i’m smoking a cigarette filter and it seems the story is over.