I remember the first night we spent in my bed together
And I remember I cried because I was so happy yet so terrified you would leave me at the same time
You said you weren’t going anywhere
You said you weren’t like them
You lied I guess


I still cry for you
I still remember the outline of your body left in my sheets
Pieces of you are still tangled between my heart
Everywhere
(v.m)

I remember when you said you wanted to watch me watch ****** documentaries
And I remember thinking how beautiful it must have been to think that
You wanted to watch me love something
And that’s kinda how I  knew I was doomed
When you wanted to know the meanings behind my poems
And the pain
And when you held me in your arms when I yelled at you
That’s kinda when I knew I was doomed
When I heard other people could tell by the way I’d look at you that I cared about you
When my friends started telling me they’ve never seen me so in love
That’s when I knew I was doomed
Doomed because wow you sure have a talent
Doomed because I fell in love with you at that amusement park when you first told me about your dad
Doomed because I fell in love with you when you said this was different
Doomed because I fell in love with you when that song came on in the parking lot

And the way you looked at me that first time
Doomed because I fell in love with you all those nights you spent at my house
Doomed because I fell in love with you all those early mornings at 5 am
Doomed because I fell in love with you while we made pizza in my kitchen
Doomed because I fell in love with you when you made me laugh while I was crying
And holy **** did I fall in love with you

(v.m)

It’s almost the day when people confess their love for someone
And my heart still loves you
I stayed up until 4 am
Missing your touch
And I went all the way back to our beginning
I read all our old conversations and broke down crying on the bathroom floor
My sheets are different now but I still have the ones we made love in buried under my bed
And I went back  to our beginning tonight
I went back to the night you told me hours felt like minutes
I went back to the night you first told me you loved me
I went back to the night we finally made love
I went back to all those nights we spent laying in my bed
I wish you missed me like I miss you
I wonder if you even think of me still
Because I still miss you
I still miss having soft pecks outside science and all of our spots around school I walk by them all the time
And my music taste has changed since you left I like everything you used to love
And on the day everyone confesses their love I’ll be home alone, with no one to give my heart too.
Because It loves you.
(v.m)

I remember the night we laid in my bed and you put your hands together and started to whisper I remember not knowing what you were doing or why you were doing it
And then I realized you were praying
For what I don’t know
I have no clue
I can only I hope I was somewhere in that prayer
I can only hope you see me in your future

I can only hope you’ve been thinking of me
I can only hope you still read my poems
I can only hope you see how hard I’m fighting
I can only hope you see I’m not giving up
I can only hope in the end
You’ll be back

(v.m)

I talk to god about you all the time I always ask him why you got taken away from me
I ask him why you don’t want me
I asked him what’s so great about breaking my heart
But there was no answer
Because just like all the time now
All I was able to hear was the echo of your laughter
And I know your not even dead
But everyday I spend without you
Sure feels like you are
Like I’ll be standing at your casket
With a parade of tears
Or maybe it’ll be vice versa
But either way you being gone
Has changed my life
For the worst
Because now all I wanna do is spend every minute asleep in your arms
Poking the divot in your shoulder and kissing that tickle spot on your neck
No matter what I’m doing I can never get you off my mind
I hope your okay
Even if whenever I see your name on my phone I feel like I’m being stabbed in the heart
And I’ll always wish you well
But I’ll also always wish you wanted me
Like I want you
Cause loving you really did take the breath out of me
Loving you really took my breath away

(v.m)

People still ask me about the necklace around my neck
No one knows it came from you
No one knows I can’t bring myself to take it off
Or throw it away
Because for some reason it makes me feel close to you
It makes me feel like you’re still with me
Even though your not
and I know it sounds absurd
But thinking that makes me feel safe
It makes me feel like you still care about me
Even though I know you don’t
At least not the way I do
Because I still want to kiss you until 5 am
And I still miss fast pecks outside science on a sunny afternoon
And I miss car rides with no destination
And I miss hearing your voice
And I miss hearing about your day
And when people ask me about the pineapple around my neck
No one knows you bought it for me on our fourth date
No one knows we got donuts at 2 am after you bought me that necklace
No one knows how hard we laughed sitting in the parking lot together that night
And people still ask me about the necklace around my neck

(v.m)

When it started, it started with a mop headed boy who whispered sweet love songs and told me he'd never walk away
After five years of falling at his feet
And pulling and pushing at his heart to love me too
He told me I was overbearing and walked away


Then it started again with a boy with glass frames and his acoustic best friend that documented his pain
He said he knew pain better than anyone
He was more broken then me
He ended up using me to try and heal his pain
As if my body was a book you could check out and return
He sung like a God but was the devil in disguise
He told me this was all my fault and walked away



When it started again it was winter time
He said I sounded sweet and my heart was a beautiful piece of poetry
But he stepped on my heart early on in the beginning
Waltzing back to an old lover he saw life with
He told me I wasn't the one and walked away



It started again in Summer
This boy was calm and sad
But told me I was a sunflower
despite all my storms
That lit up his gloomy world
He showed me his bruises
On his heart
He told me he wanted love, just not with me
He told me he wanted a family, just not with me
and walked away


When it happened again it was winter once more
Before he met me
He might've been dead
That's what he said
So I thought I saved him from himself
But even mountain tops couldn't make him feel alive
Neither could I
He said he was too sad to give me love back and then walked away


When it happened again it was Spring
He worked too much and hated distance
He had an addiction to driving down roads
It gave him adrenaline
Gave him a rush under his skin
Something I could never do
I gave him my innocence
Then he told he couldn't bare to love me with a workload
and then walked away



There's a boy with an Elvis comb over
He tells me I'm pretty and compares me to air
Says wearing your heart on your sleeve is for fools
He says that's how you get hurt
But if that's true, then I'm damaged goods I suppose
He looks like his mother and smells like vanilla
His dreams are so big and bold
But his mind was his greatest enemy
It convinced him loving me wasn't worth the risk
He told me he needs time alone
and then walks away

(v.m)

I saw a lot of you in him
I see a lot of him in you
His favorite color is green
And yours was red
His name is your name
And your name is his name
Only in spanish
Two different lovers of mine
Two languages
The two languages of how I learned to love
He was born in summer
So he was bright and beautiful
You were born in spring
You felt a lot like spring, did you know that?
You felt a lot
Like waking up
Like new life
I guess I should thank you for being around as long as you did
Even if it wasn't forever
Like I wanted
But I know I'll never stop missing you
It doesn't mean getting better
Because I won't be
It just means being
And I saw a lot of him in you
He was selfish
And cruel
And beautiful
And ******* smart
And a love like no other
-- Until I met you

And I saw a lot of you in him
You're strong
And brave and smart
And ******* ambitious

--
With dreams like light
Who knows if you'll miss sunshine
Who knows if you'll miss me
But I hope you will

(v.m)

Today was one of the most painful days of my life
Next to the day the boy with the birthmark on his right lower calf kissed my cheek outside school
When you talked to me
I thought I was seeing things
I couldn't breath all over again
I had to fight back tears for the life of me
But I was happy, even though I didn't say a word
I know I was because I started shaking all over again
Even though you were smiling
Inside I was screaming

With joy because you remembered me -- even for two minutes
And with anger
But mostly with pain


And today was one of the most painful days of my life
Next to the day the boy with hazel eyes told me he'd be here for me
And then he picked sides
And I guarantee you
He didn't pick me
Just like you


When I saw you sitting and waiting
I couldn't bring myself to look you in the eyes
Because I knew I would cry
and I did cry
I do that a lot
You're probably sick of it as it is
So I spared you the rain
I spared you the thunderstorm that is me
And today was one of the most painful days of my life
Next to the day the boy with cold hands told me he didn't understand why he was so ******* special

I don't know if you'll keep the gifts I gave you
I just needed them to stop reminding me your gone
I didn't want to burn them
Or throw them out like trash
I hope that says something good about me
Something--
If not anything, about me
About the way I love people
People who leave
People who stay
People who make broken promises
And about the way I listen
About the way I give
                              
                                        and give
                                                                 and give
Those are some things I hope to god that gesture says about me
Even if you don't see it
Even if it seems stupid
I hope that was lighting
And today was one of the most painful days of my life
Next to the day the boy with a five star smile told me he could get lost in my eyes
Right next to the day you told me I took your breath away
Right next to the day
Right next to that day
  (v.m)

Today at the table where you told me you'd try
I found the words of God
Like someone left me a note
Like I was meant to find those words of the ways to be alone
To find the ways to stopping missing you
And how to convince my heart to stop loving you
I have failed still
Because my heart still loves you
those words of the ways to be alone
Even though loving you was a blessing

And I sat and waited
I don't know what I waited for
Hoping you'd show up
At the table where you told me you chose me everytime
Despite all my crying
And I sat and I waited hoping you'd show up
But nothing happened
No one ever came
Not a devil
Not an angel
Not even you
However, I hope you still sit at that table and smile too
Smile and remember me
Remember me like the angels that sculpted the sky
Remember me like sunshine on your darkest of days
Remember how strong my love is

(v.m)

Why do I make poetry out of people?
I wonder why I do that?
Why do I make boys bloom like flowers?
I love you, yet everyone says you're emotionally manipulating my love
But I choose to love you through it
I know you're just a scared little boy who needs to figure out why the ocean touches the tide
Why he loves the devil with spiderweb ways
You ask if I'm okay with you being selfish and putting you before me. And I am.
You ask if I'm okay being in competition with a ghost and even though I wish the ghost was dead. I'm willing to fight for what I believe in.
Because you're the greatest war ever fought
You said too me"I'm all in if youre all in". And I am.
Why do I make poetry out of people
I wrote you a poem once, and I called it seasons.
Because you were a change. A breath of fresh air.
You ask me if I'm okay with the fact you'll never marry me.
And I am.
And if you choose to leave, just know I hope that just like every flower under my sun, that you regret it everyday and feel the burn of the breeze.
I wrote it in words once, that the love of the ocean never dies.
It won't.
So put me in a box and push me out to sea if you need time to figure out if loving me really is worthwhile.
Because I know, loving me is worthwhile.
You're molded out of vanilla and almonds but if you can't love me passed mountains, I understand.
I guess molehills are more appealing anyway.
And just like the girl in the story I wrote about us, I'll remember you. Because I have a habit of remembering everyone that leaves.
I know you'll do great, and I know you'll go off and try to make spiderweb lovers work,..... I know that's what you really mean when you say you need "time alone"
Even if you won't admit it, that's why you question your love for me.
And when I'm right and that crumbles like I predict. I hope you realize what you've lost. I hope it hurts worse than she ever did.
I'll still think you sunshine and love your elvis comb over.
I'll still miss the smell of vanilla bean and almonds on cold winter mornings at 5am
And my bed will always remind me it once held our laughter.
I'll always love you, even if you leave. I'll always be here, even if you decide to give up. I never will.
My god, Why do I make poetry out of people?

(v.m)

It's been two months time and I ******* broke all over again
Because all I could hear was the sound of your laugh
and remember how you used to look at me like I was sunlight
AND ******* I ******* BROKE ALL OVER AGAIN TONIGHT
MISSING YOU AGAIN HIT ME LIKE A ******* HURRICANE TONIGHT
IT'S BEEN TWO MONTHS TIME AND I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH YOUR LIPS
IT'S BEEN TWO MONTHS TIME AND I STILL NEED YOU LIKE AIR
******* THE WIND WHISTLES YOUR NAME ALL THE TIME
AND EVERYONE I MEET MAKES ME MISS YOU
AND ******* I ******* BROKE ALL OVER AGAIN TONIGHT
I'M STILL WEARING THE NECKLACE YOU BOUGHT ME
AND I FINALLY LEFT THE HOUSE HOPING I'D RUN INTO YOU SOMEWHERE
I FALL ASLEEP WISHING OTHER PEOPLE WERE YOU
AND ******* IT HIT ME LIKE A TRUCK
I LOVE YOU
AND ******* I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE YOUR GONE
IT STILL FEELS LIKE A BAD DREAM
AND ******* I ******* BROKE ALL OVER AGAIN TONIGHT


(v.m)

They say the most recent pain is the one that hurts the longest
And ******* hurt like a hammer to the heart
You hurt like my throat burning raw after crying for hours
You hurt like all the empty morning hours I spend crying now
You hurt like no tomorrow even though I’ll love you forever
And they said the most recent pain is the one that hurts the longest
But how come it feels like it will never stop
Because I know **** well in a year
When I find pictures of you buried beneath boxes my heart will still skip a beat
Someone in my math class has the same name as you
And when I heard your name called god I felt nervous all over again even though I knew it wasn’t you
What the **** do you think that felt like
I could tell you
But you probably won’t get it
Because unlike you
I wasn’t cold about my feelings
I didn’t push you away when I needed you most
And I’m not the one who left
Those are all things you did
And I am not you
I put my heart on a platter and gave it to you
I remember your favorite color being red
I’ll always remember
And I’ll remember your family,
And I’ll remember that your colorblind and how much you love donuts
I’ll remember the look in your eyes the night you told me you’d try
And I’ll remember the first song that ever played while we made love that first time
I’ll remember vanilla hair gel, and 5 am conversations
I won’t forget you, ever
Please don’t forget me


(v.m)

When he let me go he said it was because his will to love was even  weaker than his will to live.
He needed time to process the art of living I suppose
Or maybe he just wanted to be clever instead of saying he couldn't imagine me holding his hand in an aquarium anymore.
Last time I saw him I had no idea this was coming.
I saw him only 3 nights before he ended it. I remember he laughed at me when I cried and begged to kiss him just a-little longer. I guess now I know why he didn't ask for pleasure that night. I guess now I know why he didn't say "i like you" back as I laid across his lap fully exposed. I guess now I understand why he always stared at me across the table with a longing look in his eye. I remember that night he kissed the middle of my spine and i remember it being the wildest form of intimacy I have to date. Although his kiss didn't put me on cloud nine, only one boy has done that. I am grateful he has left me onto better things and better beings. I don't think I loved him but I do think I learned what it's suppose to look like. I think it's suppose to be remembering small things, and dreams of road trips, and 9am breakfast runs, but I also think it means giving your heart willingly and fully. Something his self harming heart couldn't give me. So thank you. Thank you. Thank you for walking me up a mountain, thank you for showing me I deserve the flowers that bloom at the very edge of the hilltop.

(v.m)

It rained a lot today
I used to love Monday's because that’s when I’d get to see you
And I saw your car in the school parking lot today and all of a sudden I couldn’t catch my breath all over again
Even though I thought getting through my day meant not thinking of you
When that happened I thought I was seeing things
And I asked him why I had to see that
I asked him why he took you away
But no one answered
As usual
The first thing I did when I saw my friend was cry
And it sure did rain a lot today
I cried in the car
I didn’t leave for half an hour
I just sat there
Staring at the rainy windshield
Sometimes wiping away raindrops
Just to get a glimpse
Of anything
Of everything
That reminds me of you
This morning on the radio I heard all the songs you loved
And listening to them felt like being stabbed in the heart
And it really rained a lot today
But you probably don’t care about all the ways it rained today
(v.m)

I know I am in love with you
I know I am because this is exactly the kind of damage my first love did
Arguing and fights
and pushes and pulls
and names and rude words
That's what happened the first time
but you were all time consuming
and long hours of yourself
but even then I still understood
I still loved you despite all that weight
despite all the weight I waited
despite all the weight I'll always be waiting
and I'll never really be ready to love someone new
because holy **** I know for a fact I fell in love with you
You made me see light
when I had scars and burned edges
and you made me love you
despite crooked timing
and you said this was different
I thought that meant something to you too
But I guess I'll never know

(v.m)

It feels like I'll always be out of breath now that your gone
because my heart hurts all the time now
because tears rock me to sleep now that my bed is empty
but nothing comes close to falling asleep in your arms
Nothing comes close to feeling like home
I never used to believe I could take someones breath away until i met you
I'll still set you a place at the table
even if you never come home
I'll still be here for you,
Because I always make people into beautiful poems when they leave me
and I'll always leave a key under the mat,
even if you never come home

(v.m)

When you left me
I erupted like a volcano
I self destructed in every way possible
Because deciding you wanted yourself more than you wanted me
Would change things
And I hope one day you see
Being so selfish is never the way to go
That pain that comes with walking away from love is just as real as the pain that comes with being left
And I cry a tsunami for you every night
I’m still crying and it’s been over a month
That’s how I know your different than the rest
Because I know I won’t ever be able to forget you
Because you were a whole other kind of beautiful boy
The kind I could fall in love with and pray to god I marry one day
Even though you always said you never believed in marriage
And I hope you see the pain that comes from walking away from love is just as real as the pain of being left
Because that’s the story of my life
But I have faith in you
If it takes 10 or 20
Months or years
I’ll still want you more
(v.m)

I write one to three poems about you a night
On the days I write only one
It’s because I’m drowning in tears and I can’t think of what else to say in between screaming at the ceiling and hoping you’ll be out front
On the days I write three or more a night it’s because I’m trying to make sure you see what pain looks like
I’m trying to make sure you see words mean something
And throwing up memories isn’t any better but it’s all I have left
On days I write more and more about you I wonder if you fell too
On days I write more and more about you I become a zombie stuck on every word I have yet to say
Even if you stopped reading these
I know you might get tired of me
But I still need you like air
And forest fires could not burn brighter than you
And I hope rooms too big for one will make you miss me one day
I hope wedding bells will make you remember our first meeting
I hope writings and poems will tell you how much I loved you
I hope you see that one day

(v.m)

It's crazy to think you only loved me from August to December
You used to say it felt like you had known me forever
That made me feel special
And when your family could tell I loved you
That's when I knew loving you would **** me
one way or another
Loving you felt like being thirteen all over again
I'm not comparing you to him
because Loving him
didn't feel like you
Your both cynical and sarcastic
and Selfish and smart
Yet for some reason
I was lucky enough to feel this way twice
I was lucky enough to learn how you keep your guard up
How you hid behind a mask
Because you think it means weakness
But I don't think that
and I hope one day
you love me enough
to let me in
I hope in 5 I still mean something
I hope in 5 I'm still sunshine
Because the last time this happened
he still loved me in 5
I don't know about now
but he still loved me in 5
and I don't know about then or when
or in how long time
but I hope in 5
you still love me
I hope in 5 you
remember my poems
If after that you forget me
then at least know it's crazy to think you loved me
from August to December

(v.m)

******* does loving someone ******* up
On the inside, on the outside
Everyday of the week and twice on Sundays
It’s always the same
High heights
Followed by low blows
The kind of pain no one ever prepares you for
And it always feels like a funeral
And ******* does loving someone ******* up
Everyday of the week
It becomes your comfort
And it becomes your safety
And it becomes pain
And band aids on spiderweb striken thighs
It becomes the type of pain no one ever sees
Unless they’re brave enough to look beneath the surface
But my god does it feel like home
My god does it feel like falling in light
And ******* loving someone will ******* up for good.

(v.m)

I was hoping and praying for you
And I’ll continue to do that no matter what you say
I can’t ever leave anyone I love
Because I love people with all I have
Hoping and praying someday someway somehow
Someone will be back
Because promises are promises
Words mean something
So I’ll always still care
I always still love
I’m always still — there
Just ask the first person I ever loved
7 years of my life. I really gave my all
I always love more
Always
And I always will
Even if you won’t
I will


(v.m)

Why does it feel like you died
Even though your still alive?
You weren’t the boy who took my virginity
But yet somehow I know for a fact
I gave you my soul
I know for a fact that you loved me too
I could see it when you’d look at me
I would look up for a second and glance back to find you in a daze
I’d ask what you were staring at
And you always stayed quiet
But I know that look meant something
I can only hope it was love
Did you know I sleep with a picture of you under my pillow
Did you know I pray for you every night
Even though I’m not religious
Did you know being tangled up in my blankets is how I feel close to you
You were the boy to break the curse
You broke my three month curse
Only by a day, but we made it
You broke a lot of records, and for that I love you more than anyone
You tried to get me mad one night and when I yelled and burst into tears you said “come here” and held me tighter than a life jacket
When we laid in my bed that first night you said you weren’t going anywhere



—you said you were all in


On the 15th you told me something itching at you and then held my hand and gave me that same look of love and kissed me harder than anyone ever has


—you said you would try


But then you said you needed time

It’s been a week and I haven’t stopped crying.
(v.m)

Tomorrow is my first day without you
And I know I’ll feel like I can’t breath again
I know your laugh will echo as I walk down the hall
I’ll get there early even though I don’t have to be there until noon
I’ll be early anyway
and I might sit in my car and cry
I might go sit in one of our spots and think
But that probably doesn’t mean much to you
You got what you wanted
You wanted to be alone
You wanted to focus on you
But sometimes I still hope memories ******* up for the rest of your life
I still believe in your dreams but **** I hope one day you’ll see giving up is never the right option
Because if you can so easily give up on people
Then what else is next
And tomorrow will be my first day without you
I’m talking to people who stopped loving me like you did again, they still don’t care, just like you
I dyed my hair pink
Because I’m in pain
There’s slashes in places no one can see again
I have anxiety attacks almost every night now
But that’s all okay
Because you got what you wanted
And it’ll be a month by the end of this week
And tomorrow will be my first day without you

(v.m)

Loneliness doesn’t make sense to someone like me
Just like love and marriage don’t make sense to someone like you
I’ve always fought tooth and nail for everything
Even though I’ve lost every battle
I still keep fighting
Isn’t that amazing
Willingness
Hope


(v.m)

Remember that song you told me reminded you of me?
It was about magic
I wonder if that’s what you saw with me
(v.m)

Loosing you hurts my heart all the time now
I can’t bring myself to see anyone new
Cause my heart still belongs to you
I still want you all the time
No matter what I’m doing or where I am
You never leave my mind
I hope your figuring your **** out
I hope you still want me too
Because I need to know you ******* need me too

(v.m)

You said it wasn’t my fault
But if it really wasn’t you wouldn’t be walking away
You’d still be here
You’d still be here if you cared
Half as much as I do
You’d still be here if you saw sunshine
So I know it was my fault
Because they say when someone really gives a ****, when someone really really gives a ****
They say hell or high water
They compromise
They push through
They’re stronger than they look
And they stick it out
But I guess that’s all my fault too
I guess that just did not exist
Even though I hoped you would be
I pray to god by my thirties some lost love will want to compromise
Because I always mean what I say
Because to be strong means fighting
Everyone has their own problems and mine is that I love too much
And I’m ******* sorry for that
I know my anxiety gets bad but that’s no ones fault
But for once in my life I wish I had a love who wouldn’t blame my anxiety on them
For once in my life I want a love that stays and pushes through
And sees a white picket fence with just me
I can only hope it will be a lost love
Because hope keeps me alive
Sure hurting myself is no better
But I always like things that are never any good in proving me wrong

(v.m)E

I never stay friends with any love
Because in my eyes
No one gets rent free space in my heart if they aren’t loving me anymore
You don’t get to tell me you love me and then leave when **** gets hard
Because that’s not fair
But I guess no ones man enough anymore
Even when I start to go insane wanting someone to love me
No one ever comes back
It’s always baskets of “it’s my time to work on me” and “it’s not you”
But **** all of you
Because that means it’s always is me
You don’t get to tell me how to feel
You only get to do that if you come back
I can’t have space in my head be given to people who don’t want me
But I do it anyway
Because one day someone will come back
Even if it kills me


(v.m)

I remember glancing over at you and seeing you staring at me
You’re eyes were full and glazed over
Like you were high
But we were sober
And then you kissed me
And it was one of those kisses
Do you know what I mean?
The kind of kiss that knocks the wind out of you
The kind of kiss that makes you forget what your name is for a second
The kind of kiss that—takes your breath away
Kind of like people do
At least you said I did, the day we first met.


(v.m)

It’s 11:52 and I’m crying again
And it happened earlier
And no one is answering me again
And **** I really need to talk
I feel like I have to ******* scream
Im so lost and hurt and I can’t ******* breath
And no one is ******* answering me again
I really am alone this time


(v.m)

You were the only boy that ever thought my poems were beautiful
You were the only one with a key to the lock
You were the only one who cared enough to read them all
You were the first one to keep tabs on them at all
And wow you were the first one to have twenty or so written about just you
even if you don’t appreciate them
I will
Because words always
Mean more to me


(v.m)

I’m the type of the girl who loves people too hard
But that’s okay
I know someday in our thirties
Someone will realize what they gave up
When Love is ready to really love someone
With all that they have
So I’d appreciate if love only comes back when Love is ready to be loved fully
By me and only me
Until then
When reality smacks all those in the face
My love will be there


(v.m)

Today is the first time you’ve talked to me in weeks
Although I still have no idea what you said
Because I haven’t even opened the message
A part of me is too terrified to read it
And I think it’s too early to start crying again
So I’ll just sit here and let my mind race until 2 am comes and my tears start to fall and I’ll see what it is you have to say
Maybe I’m getting my hopes up for nothing
Maybe you have nothing to say just yet
but I’ll still be waiting.
(v.m)

I still have my old calendar up on the wall
I know it sounds dumb
But I can’t take it down
Just like I can’t bring myself to burn anything
That’s what I did with other lovers stuff
But for some reason
I can’t burn or rip and throw anything in the garbage
Because I respect you too much to do that
It’s just that December was the last time you looked at me like that
And December was the last time you told me you loved me
And I won’t throw away the book you found for me
Because no one has ever cared that much
So if you wanna know if I’ll be okay
I don’t know
I don’t know this time
But I need to give your Christmas gifts so they can’t remind me you aren’t around anymore
And I think my family knows your gone
Because I’ve avoided all questions involving you
And I’ll have to lie in order to leave the house now
Because staying in my room too long just reminds me of how many nights you spent laying in my bed with me

I have a new calendar up on the wall
Right beside the old one
If you get into Oregon then I hope you’ll be okay on your own
I hope being selfish was one hell of a lesson to learn
I hope essays and words remind you of me
I hope stories and books and selfless people give you nightmares
And I hope when you reread the story I wrote it takes you back to what being loved felt like

(v.m)

I still wish her death
But I don’t wish it on you
That’s how I am with people I love who leave
Still wish them them the world
I know you’ll do great things
You might even forget me
I should be used too it by now, but I’m not
In all of my writings to come
And my writing may be words
But ******* it my words give my feelings wings to reach those who should return
The last time I loved this hard
It drove me insane
And i let it
And I’ll let it do it again
The last time I was burning with pain this bad
Was because I was sad
I was in the hospital
But the doctor doesn’t know that when I told her I was sad it was because of a person
She doesn’t know I was hurting myself to feel closer to someone
But I guess that’s the way my pain works
Until someone is brave enough to show me the risk in staying

(v.m)

I think that thing that scares me the most is the fact that I’m always the girl no one wants anymore
I’m never the girl someone would die for
I’m girl people always like to like
But never like enough to stay
But that’s just me I guess
I’m always that girl
And I think that terrifies me most of all
That I’m the girl that always gets left behind

(v.m)

I always wonder if you talk to anyone else at 1 am now
Now that it’s not me
I always wonder how your day was
Now that you don’t know if you want me
I always wonder how your doing and if your okay
I always wonder if your drunk or high and if you got home safe
I always wonder what you think of now when you go on late night drives
I always wonder if you past by our spots and think of us
I always wonder if you’ve been writing
Did you ever finish that poem?
I’ll probably never get to read it
I hope you saw beauty in small things too
I always wonder if you miss me at all
Or do you work long hours so you don’t have to think about leaving
Has your family situation got any better?
I’m still a shoulder to lend a listen when your ready to love me again
I know you’ll figure it out, you’re brave that way.
And wow, do you have dreams.
Dreams I believe in
Dreams I know you’ll reach
I know your selfish but I’m selfless
And I love you anyway what can I say
I always wonder when you’ll come back
Because I’ll be right here.
Right here waiting.
No matter how long it takes.


(v.m)

For the life of me I hope you remember my poems
For the life of me I hope you remember whatever it was you wrote even if I never get to read it
I hope every memory will be tucked away
I like to pretend your still here every night
And talk to you like you can still hear me
Talk to you like your dead even though your not
And I talk to god about you all the time
I tell him things about you
About how loving you has been a ******* blessing
And about how that’s the way love works
And funeral services probably aren’t as sad as someone like me
Because I see beauty in every part of person
Even if they always leave me
I still tell them things about you
I still pretend you can hear it
I wonder if you’ll still read these poems from time to time
I wonder if that’s the way love works


(v.m)

Did you know I haven’t cried this much since the last time I loved someone
My lungs haven’t burned this bad since I was thirteen
I guess that’s what I get for always fighting-
Both my friends can see it in me
I was flattered when my friend said “your in love with him you’re just too scared to admit it to yourself...but I see it”
And wow that hit me like a truck
And then just last week my other friend said it too.
And I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath all over again.
This feels like falling in love
Too bad you aren’t here
I don’t even know if you want part in this anymore
But neither did my first love
And I still gave it my all
I’m still giving you my all.
I’ve always been the type of girl that is pushed so far away and still waits
But that’s because I see potential
That’s because my heart is so full
That’s because I believe in fairytales
Even though my mother never loved my father
I still somehow believe in love
I still somehow believe in you


(v.m)

I still think it’s so amazing that I got a boy like you to write a poem
A boy who was all analysis and weights
A boy who was all about being self made
I got someone like you to write about me
That still amazes me
My friend told me once that’s how you know someone loves you-
When they pick up your habits
So if words and writing have become yours too
I hope the walls are coming down
I hope you took note of small things too
If one poem about me is all you ever write, then at least I’ll know I meant something—even for one night
If the lines you wrote never see the light of day
Then I hope you keep them with you
That would still amaze me
But I think that’s how you know
If someone really loves you

(v.m)

You were the first person to ever sleep in my bed with me
You were the first person to ever meet my family and I know they’ll always wonder about you
Just like I will
Because someone like that is always special
Whether they plan to be
I know what Love feels like
And ******* this is a whole different kind of air
I always feel like I can’t breath now
But that’s okay
I enjoy it
Really
Because my hope for others
And my love for others
Is one hell of an addiction
One hell of a gift
One hell of a pleasure
So that’s why I never leave
I know it’s stubborn
But it’s all I have

(v.m)

Ive been writing about you
And each time I do it feels like I get closer to going insane
I think that’s what Love feels like
Like when you come home at 3 am strung out on breaths and pulls from that special someone,
Missing you hasn’t been easy but I’m trying
I’m still not giving up, happy new year


(v.m)

Unless friends means falling in love with me too
Then I can’t subject myself to that
When I tried to be friend my first love
It was because I still loved him
And he hated me for it
So if it doesn’t include coming back and still loving me
It’s not something I can do
Unless it means in a year I’ll be remembered then I can’t do it
Now matter how much deep down my heart wants you
My heart will always still love you
I can guarantee that
So unless my heart gets what it wants
Which it never does
If it doesn’t get what it really wants
In a year or 3 or 4 or 5
Because my heart knows what it wants
That’s what the f word is to me
It means coming back
So if that’s not possible
My heart still waits on people who never come back
Because it’s called hope

(v.m)

You always said I was different from other girls
I still don’t know what you meant by that
I like to think it’s because of the way I love people
Or maybe I’m too overbearing
Sometimes I think I talk too much
No ones ever fallen in love with my voice that way
Sure I’ve been called pretty and I’ve been told my eyes were somewhere to get lost
I’ve even been told I’ve taken someone’s breath away
I guess that’s what makes me different
Maybe
Who knows

(v.m)

You probably think I don’t know what your gonna say
But I think your gonna leave
Just like everyone else
And boy will you try to make it sound sweet
But I’ve heard it all before
I know exactly what will be said
I know my tears won’t mean ****
And even then I’ll still cry rivers regardless
I know you probably won’t grab my hand and pull me close when I stop you and yell at you
I know because no ones ever done it
No matter how much they knew I loved them
I dare you to find a love twice as big as mine
But you won’t
You’ll want to walk away because you’re too scared to let anyone love you
But even then I’ll still believe in you
Sad right?

(v.m)

It feels like I’ve written about you for the fifteenth billion time
Even though this is only the fifteenth poem
And strangely I have a feeling I’ll remember this
Because the fifteenth was the day of our last date, until we meet again
I can only wish I had kissed and hugged you fifteen times that night
I can only wish I could go back and tell you I love you fifteen times in a row
(v.m)

I've written twenty poems about you
and this is twenty one
I've written so many words about you that I'm not sure you'll ever read
But school starts next week
I'll walk by our spots on my way to English
Wondering if you've walked by them too and thought about me at all
I'll turn my head on my way out of math praying you turn the corner by the lunch tables
When I leave speech and I walk past the bench by the science building my throat will close up
I won't be able to breath
I'll feel like I can't walk fast enough to my car
Because all I'll seem to remember is just how long I would wait for you to get there
I used to wait at least an hour for you
Even though I always told you I only waited twenty minutes
I've written twenty poems about you or so
And this is twenty one



Everywhere I look, you'll be there
When I come home after a long day
My bed will remind me you never really left
I fall asleep clutching the stuffed animal in my room you used to use as a pillow when you'd come over
Reminders of you will be everywhere
In my bed, at school, around my neck, and in my dreams
Right before I pray for you to get home safe



(v.m)

I had a panic attack at 2 am last night
And my hands went numb
And my chest burned
And my eyes watered
I needed you to hold me, I needed you to be there
And my bed was empty
And my heart was full
I missed you
I had a panic attack at 2 am last night
I love you
I hope you come back
I promise I know what being saved feels like
I promise I’ll always love you
(v.m)

my friend says boys who break the curse are important
and right now it's 12;48 and i can't breath again
I'm crying again and no ones picking up
I'm in an empty house and no ones here to hold me
it's 12:50 and I'm alone
(v.m)