I feel like crap.
It isn't the coming and going kind.
It's the stick to you day and night
Occupy your dreams kind.
There's no escape.
I don't want to talk about.
I do but I don't.
It's the leave me alone kind.
It's the ask me what's wrong kind.
It's the care about but don't care about me kind.
It's the I just want to be normal kind.
I want to be good enough kind.
It's the nothingness.
It's the emptiness.
The I want to go home but I can't.
I've lost every part of me.
Give it away and get it back broken
Snapped in half, mutilated.
Now at that point where there is only a little left to give.
And I have decided not to give it away anymore.
I'm keeping it to myself.
Not my friends,
Not my family,
No one.
I can't give it away anymore.
I'm stuck.
I'm stuck.
I'm stuck.

Just when everything was pieced back together, it explodes.
Gears and pulleys no longer function as they should.
No respect, or decency for an abused harborer of blood.
Each time stripped and pulled apart.
Restructured with stitches of lies and broken promises.
Cracked open by the unworthy.
Tainted by ***** hands, and chipped blackened finger nails.
Cut and infected, poisoned and bruised.
Stupid thing.
Crying "love me, love me!" over again.
**** it learn!
No longer make yourself out of soft, breakable, easily torn.
Instead surround with metal and iron.
Impenetrable.
Make it so.
I blame you.
I will stitch your mouth shut with iron thread.
I will make it so that you beat only to live a little longer.
I will stop listening, I will no longer allow you to have a say.
You will become nothing to me.
I am sending you to the basement, I am taking all feelings away.
You will no longer roam free.
You will become my unspoken shame.
You will be the secret that I keep.
No one will come to know you.
No one will ever see you again.
You cease to exist this very day.
I will not feed you, I will allow you to die.
I will chain you up and watch you wither away.
You don't deserve to live for what you have done to me.
I trusted you to many times and now you must pay.
I lock you up.
I bury you deep.
The only link you have to me is the blood you pump through my veins.
I owe you nothing.
From this day forward you are dead to me.

Walk away now.
Turn back before you have gone to far.
To good for black widowed ways.
More than her preying mantis love.
She knows the monster that she is,
This is why she tells you to run.
Her greatest creation,
The masks for which she has spun.
Intricately woven threads of silky lies
intwined with bits of brokenness.
A warm summer breeze to mask the inferno within.
A sweet delicate smile to mask the bleeding tongue.
A flutter of her eyes to mask the cold dead stillness.
Run.
She gives you fair warning,
Run.
This is not what she wants for you
But she can not help who she is.
She would rather you in the arms of another lover
Then to remain with her where she will eat you alive.
Her darkness is contagious.
Her beauty only a facade from afar.
Get to close she will cut you
and allow the Black Death to seep in.
She doesn't want this, she doesn't
But she is to weak to stop
She is only strong enough to warn you
But you must chose to walk.
Turn around.
Run.
She cannot feel though she tries
Forget this girl and move on.
You are to good for her.
Need I tell it to your face?
You are to good for me.
(And he did)

Sometimes I feel this tugging at my heart.

It's weird cause I haven't felt anything in a while.

I hate that tugging.

I know it's trying to revive itself,

but I don't want it to.

Whenever I come across a memory

It jumps,

as if its trying to say

"Remember? Remember?"

I lie and tell it

"No, now shut up."

It's just better if it remains silent.

Of course it doesn't get that

Nope there it is

Jumping.

Tugging.

Can't you see I am lifeless?

Of course not

the heart doesn't have eyes

Unfortunately.

A heart that is so scarred,
It no longer feels.
A mind that is so overwhelmed,
It no longer thinks.
Is this what I have become?
A mindless,
Expressionless,
Emotionless,
Girl?
Life feels dull
Not even black and white
just
mute.
No pain or hurt,
I have suppressed it so much
None of it exists to me
anymore.
I could careless
about anyone else
right now.
I would rather just float
through the scenes
of the rest of my life than
make an effort
to change what will
inevitably happen.
I want to throw a lot of it away.
Throw it into the wind
And not even watch
as the things i had once
worked hard for
disappear.
I don't give a ****
about anything
anymore.

A gentle breeze,
Like an open palm.
I lean into it,
Letting it caress me.
It dances through my hair,
Lifting and swaying
In the warm summer sun.
All is right in this moment.
Thoughts not so jumbled.
Peace attainable,
If only for a moment.
To sit and not only hear the stillness
But to feel it.
The breath that was forgotten
Comes back
Like a rushing wave.
Inhaling deeply.
Everything fades.
In that moment I am alive
I close my eyes
Letting it wash over me.
The feel of the earth
beneath my hands and feet.
Time stops and its ok.
The softness of the grass
Rocks me in a silent lullaby.
I am Alice and this is my wonderland.
The rustling leaves,
The singing birds.
A love affair,
Between my heart
And the place that I find myself.
If only I could stay forever.

Sometimes I feel infinitely messed up.