if i ever knew where i stood
i would walk

if i have kids
id push
i don't want them to feel like this

i wish it was easier
to be where i want

that requires knowing
and who does

last night I chased a man through his yard.

he was throwing a cigarette **** into the tree line.

despite the irony of slowly killing your self via smoke and fire, only to dispose of our noose into your own hair.

I could do nothing but wonder if you know? If you care? If it hurts you or if you’re in denial about the ******. The pain doesn’t allow you to fight back.

Burn us
Flood us
Throw us in the air and drown us in our homes

does it count as a suicide cult if our intention is just to give in to you.

I feel bad, I put one out in the grass earlier, stomped. But it felt menial, I only convinced myself of that because I feel bad. If that’s my limit though, then how on earth is the world melting around us,
Record highs
Lows

we disregard and keep falling.

I’m angry with us, myself for the inability to exist without detriment to you.
What should I do.

Do you know?

Do you care?

How do you want me to live?

          If at all.

Like a wave overtaking me
Going up my nose and up to my head
The sting and burn relieve me

But Is it new?
Is it just the cycle of rebirth and the funk
Would it remedy the feeling if I created change greater than I ever have?
Will it ever stop?

Was I ever fixed, I was told not to use that word but I have been simply because of the endless stream of things to be fixed.
Would changing my perspective and seeing them as challenges and levels to overcome instead of problems to fix and return back to normal being
I should reject the regular and aspire to use problematic events to my advantage
But who knows
It’s all cheese

Comes with finding it again
Like taking off pounds of weight
Diving into a cold pool
Or a hot one
Reaching the top of a tree
Finishing a book
Jumping off a high rock
Letting go of your air
Giving the reins to someone else
The relief is indescribable
I long for it
It’s all going to be ok

There’s a secret that everyone’s keeping from me
If there is an answer they know
They’re doing it and they won’t tell me what it is
They’re using it against me and laughing at me from far away
It makes me angry
Why would they do that
Why would they do that to me I’m right here
I can see them doing that
What kind of person leaves another in bewilderment and confusion
And then goes on without a thought of what I could be screaming about in my room
They know what it is
What makes it better
What makes it easier
What could cure me
Fix my head and my heart and my life
They know
And they won’t tell me

I feel gravity in my most intimate center


It’s like lifting blocks of concrete with my heart,
Wondering why you are so far


I’m wrapped in chaos
Tethered to you
                 To this place


I want someone to dissect me like I do

Dandelion sun
Grass I can count on
Mushroom tea and my favorite song
My cat sleeps outside
Fog covers her on her restorative days
It’s been raining for weeks
She’s getting better
Or she’s preparing for the worst
Because it’s yet to come

I’d do whatever she tells me
But I watch from far
Scared of her and her enemies