As I struggle so badly to write out these thoughts
I focus on the steady ticking of the clock

I’ve tried to keep everything together by hiding behind walls

but I still find myself unraveling

I chose to numb  myself
and in turn lost some of the traits that I adored of myself

It’s time to **** off the deadweight

What went wrong? How was I so dumb?
To think I was good enough for you & we could fall in love

You could never be my soulmate
Because you curse your soul each time you rage

I used to have these crystal dreams of a future with you in them
Now I wish they never popped into my head

Blurring, stirring, twisting & turning these thoughts in my mind
You're words keep stealing this desperate happiness of mine

Chiseling your way to the core of my threshold
And when I break, I promise you'll have NO control

Thoughts of disgust & hopelessness fill my body
When you get dramatic with me in the hotel lobby

Filled with depression & anger, it's a vicious chain
You detox, then relapse & I don't want this pain

You're into trashing your brain with harsh drugs
So that you can tell me to go run off with the "plugs"

I'm so ******* sick & tired of your pain, anger & devastation
But here i foolishly am, still taking this humiliation  

You are becoming toxic before my very eyes
And I won't stand by as you tell me all these lies

You try to speak, but all I hear is the same vile song
You're throwing me to the wolves but i'll come back stronger

And I've been hiding Carmen for so long
But neither of us could care any longer

But when I'm back, I won't come back for you
I refuse to feel that same feeling of the miserable blue

I am not her, I will never be her
So I will not be treated as if I am her
And you will see when I'm gone,

I Was Never Her

In this designer bag I have a one-way ticket to the place where the monsters go

under this expensive make up,
no blood just ice that flows

beneath a stoic exterior lies a girl feeling so low

She looks to the frozen Earth for comfort,
but nothing in the ground can grow

the sun is gone as her heart turns cold

You can see her hurt manifest into anger
when her eyes turn black as crow

she's dangerous when she's alone

Lately i have found this new freedom
I haven't felt this in so long,
I almost don't know what to do with it

I am happy but I get real sad
Usually my own body makes me feel so bad

I've got a bad disease
even though I am free
and i belong to me

time for renovations
time for restoration

i will be okay, i will be better
get ready for a new lady, can't wait until you've met her

I can feel anxiety planting seeds in my spinal cavity
I can sense it ruining my human anatomy

It ravishes my body, leaving me drained
it steals my emotions, leaving me with nothing but pain

I am quietly, patiently waiting for the day
when Death will visit & take me away

I long to kiss him
I long to be with him

He's the one to placate my soul
To him I relinquish all control

tell me u adore me, tell me that I'm cute
ur so ******* handsome in the ur all black suit

walking thru cemetery gates
for picnics and painting dates

hypnotizing cat eyes
I've got black hair and 9 lives

admiring you with my tongue
all thru the night while the darkness hums

I love you the way the sirens love their men
I love u a million times and all over again

if you fall out of love
i will show u a war path

I'm a serial killer
i just might love you a lil too much

Welcome to the Mad House

U shall go crazy in all the rights ways

Where your mind will never be found
but your soul might stick around

The Savage and daddy's little Hellion

Hold onto your ***** & kiss sanity goodbye
For this, my dear, is gonna be a bumpy ride

The sun is gone, the Earth is rotting
I'm so afraid of being forgotten

I don't care about much
love, hobbies, life, all that and such

We tend to use our words as weapons
No one can express love for their blessings

I'm locked away in a broken mind
There's no happiness that I can find

I lay still on the ground
lost, hopeless just waiting to be found

will you help me please
I have a bad disease

melancholy is my best friend
her and i together until the end

Our breakfast is *******
But he loves me for my Berkley brain

Make great love to me
Lay me down until I can't see

It used to be just novacane for the pain
Until he saved me from a life of strain

Ive begun smiling in my sleep
Roll over and pillow talk to me

The Bonnie to his Clyde
We've been swimming in each other's mind

I've fallen in love with his redruM
He's got me right under his thumb

Riding on the back of his black bike
I've dreamt of this love, its ghostlike

Stand down n let me crash
I promise when it's over I will always come back

a weaponized language
my words, so lethal n unsung

a steel tongue to slice you apart
and a mouth to speak poison into ur crystal heart

no matter how far away
no matter the things that i say
I have always loved your way

forgive me for all the wounds
I am sorry for all of our doom

through every fight i have fueled
I have always loved you

but maybe, my darling baby
I can still be ur striking lady

im madly in love, u n i run the mad house,
u r the paint 2 my canvas..
i will love u til hell freezes n we skate on the ice

ur so handsome u make my eyes wanna bleed
n when ur inside my soul theres no place id rather be

eating dead flowers
when u go will u kiss the dead for me

i could talk with u for hours
kissing in the moonlight with all its gory

ive kissed u while u cry
ive been there for some dark moments

ive held u while we lye
i love all of u, with us time is frozen

i hope i touch u with my poems
we both have flaws n i've come 2 know them
personally

on the day I pass, throw roses into the sea
the sea will take the roses, then it will take me

for I am the rose
I am every rose

my insides glow a dark, crimson red
my soul is on fire baby, dripping in roses
my soul rests on the dew drops of ruby petals
all in mine,
have u ever felt something more divine?

pieces of my heart r embedded in the thorns,
sharp thorns will draw blood
my fiery heart, its smoking bud

n if u can survive the pain n passion of the thorns in my heart
then u can kiss the petals of my soul
if I'm not gone by then

I saw her today
dancing in the sky
i see her throughout my days

she just appears
she watches me
feels for me, strengthens me

she feeds me sanity

i live through her
she's so beautiful

she's my soul in human form
but she comes in many shapes

she's so surreal
a ghost, an entity

i need her, i love her

she is pure white
bathing in diamonds

u r static electricity n i am the forest
ur in the sky, watching me from above
i lay in the grass, im part of earth filled with love
ur on fire honey
ur the star of my creep show
ur burning up there n im just the smoke u leave behind
we kiss at the tree tops
our love, our life, deep n poetic
we r scary, n when i take ur hand we terrify the terrorizers
im a black cat with hair of silk n eyes of fire
my lover comes from the skies
2 play with me like a child
n when the wolves come out 2 game
my beloved bares all his pain
i hold him n i know him, every inch of his electric heart
we will love in silence
i want all of his violence

ive got feathers in my hair

my lover lives in shades of cool
he loves his guns his bike n his baby 2

loving u gave me a burning desire
for ur heart, an ***** of fire

kissing my skin of lilac fumes
my darling, says its heaven 2 him

guns for ur summertime
flowers in my pretty mind
make me laugh n we'll go get high

The sun is most vibrant at noon
but he's dormant until woken by moon

his neck has decayed from the thick, coarse rope
but long before he had abandoned all hope

****** into a gradient of sorrow
he is nothing more than a body hollowed

the devil watches through the white eye above
as Balto cries tears of black sludge

Balto became Satan's beloved disciple
the day he ended   all   with a rifle

hide all innocence
the hour to prey will soon commence

you can find him in your time to die
and if you see Balto you will not make it to the sky

in the darkest hours, i cannot find god

creeping down my throat, i can feel my body rot

my heart is desolate, but there r no tears

just 1 demon, feeding off my fears

my spirit is rogue

evil wears a thick coat

i can sense my brain dying

i can hear my soul crying

she wants 2 melt away

2 escape all of the days

but her demon will never miss her

because he will always be with her

there is morbidity in ur heart, the devil has stuck a finger thru ur ear n punctured ur brain injecting u with the macabre n melancholies of the underworld
ur mind is atrophy, demons have kissed u with sin
666
ur ominous soul is stuck in the void.. the wicked place between life n death. life in ur mind but death in ur heart, angels of evil will ascend to dance with u until ur nothing more than a demoralizing corpse
soon u will be a desolate carcass while ur mind, body n soul belong 2 the inferno of agony that is ur hell

i **** to hurt

i **** to hate

i love the war

i hate the poor

i hate the kids, always wanting more

i hate a girl, i hate a man

**** everyone u can

i hate my brain

stuck in an empty state of pain

It was never supposed to end this way

the others were never supposed to be involved

it was supposed to be just U n I

we were supposed to take care of each other

even though we used to be so happy

we were doomed from the beginning

we loved each other but U n I r dead inside

n we could never be soulmates

cause U n I never had a soul

every single person carries something around

there is not one who is not cripplingly sad about something
..
I think it's vital to teach our children to look beyond the surface

to know that there is good in people

to know that everyone is a victim of something

but to never forget people can also play villains

there is an entire universe inside of everyone you meet

and they're all beautiful

lowkey i think we all just wanna get lost in someone's universe

i've been taking time trying to travel the universe inside of me

some parts foul some parts breath taking...

but at the end of the day,

i think we long to swim into someone else's universe

someone we think is beautiful,

most people just wanna come home and let their universe hang out

I took it personal

I swam inside of him

I was a mermaid

but he was just another ocean

There is no hell like the one your mind can create

You know no torture then what you can put yourself through

I met a man

he interested me

I could see a past in his eyes

I could tell he carried some demons of his own

eating away at the centers of his bones

and one day i pillow talked my way into his soul

he poured his heart out to me

I drank it on the rocks

everything has a soul
remember that next time you wanna stay indoors all day on Netflix

from the dew drops on the grass, to the leaves on the tree

everything can hold love

all I ever wanna be is alone

but I'm never alone

my anxieties, fears, paranoias have taken a physical form

and I carry them around with me

I need them for my character

to humble myself

scheming, plotting

they're running around with me

they've attached themselves to my person

it's to the point now where I don't run from them anymore

they're oddly comforting

most people can't entertain an evil thought without getting emotional

but i'm emotionless

each emotion takes the form of a separate physical

my gang of pain

making up the anxiety that lingers in my head
my heart

but I've separated my soul

I put it in a safe place and I guess thats why I'm good with emotions

I left my emotional soul in another life

my existential is separated from my physical

and I can only feel when I go to that zone and want to feel

and that's the best feeling

My dear,
as you grow weaker I can't help but stop
and think

I can't lose you
as the cancer seeds taint your body
I feel for you
I can only sit here and watch

incurable
unfuckwithable
inane

to look in your eyes and see nothing

my dear
i love you
and I'm afraid for you

to watch you in this state of atrophy
so saddening
so humbling

mentally I can tell this toxicity is eating you
to hold the hand of a jaded corpse

so surreal
to look in your eyes and know...
soon you will be no more

soon your soul will be human-less

is it normal to love tragedy?

to love the depth and soul found from heartbreak?

every trauma, every low point faced...

open my mind & give me life

i crave to travel and understand my soul

so i destroyed myself

so that i could reincarnate myself

and now i do not let anyone in

i am my own everything

extremely internal,

i am a lover without a lover

i belong 2 me

at the end of every day i privately give thanks

i thank u for the heart ache

i needed it for my character