i just wanna like myself

i hope you can forgive me

but whatever happens,

He is always good.

whatever happens.

and if i don't have you?

well

maybe i'll end up alone.

maybe you'll be the last.

and maybe that would be okay

i told someone else last night.
why?
we're friends,
but why did i let it slip out?
it used to be my secret.
my one and only
deepest, darkest secret.
i guard it less tightly than i used to.
i don't know why,
but i do.
what am i looking for?
am i that hungry for attention?
or was this simply a soul
that made me feel safe?
i'm not sure anymore.
not too many people
can process it well when someone tells them
i'm addicted to hurting myself,
but they did.
they sat with me in silence.
they prayed for me.
they confronted and encouraged me.
it was a gentleness that struck every nerve of conviction in me.
it was a softness that i remembered
when i woke up this morning.
it was a kindness that i am determined
to never forget.

and maybe it's just not the right time

today has too many emotions in it