A letter to myself:

The only way to find yourself is through positive things, dance, sing, learn to play an instrument, put your thoughts into words and make them beautiful. Your entire life is determined by your mind set. Think beautifully, be kind, forgive, forget, love everyone, eliminate the negative and focus on the positive. Each and every single one of us is searching for fulfillment, and in that you must cleanse yourself of negativity. Don’t hold grudges, love your enemies, leave that guy, spend time in nature, inhale the good, and exhale the bad. In this, I promise you will love yourself.  Take care of yourself, take care of your loved ones, and once you have completed all of this, take care of this world.

it’s difficult to understand and feel the pain of someone else and i think that’s where relationships go wrong because you can’t feel someone else’s heart. you can’t feel someone else’s hurt. you can’t feel the way their throat closes and their eyes well up at the thought of losing you. you can’t feel the way they notice the slight changes in behaviour and how they wonder where they went wrong. you’ll never be able to feel the anxiety that rises up in the pits of their stomach when they feel distance. i think that’s the fault in creation, we can all feel ourselves but we will never be able to feel anyone else. and that’s the issue

Tell me about your childhood and the people who shaped you, tell me about your family and how you hate your uncle who doesn't stop talking, tell me about your past lovers that have always ****** you over so I can remind you that I will never hurt you, tell me about how you love the way the birds sing in the morning, tell me about the times you had with your grandmother and how much you miss her so I can kiss you until you forget, tell me about that song you love, tell me about your goals, tell me about your aspirations, your dreams and your plans, please just tell me so I can fall in love with you again every second.

i thought that i would be better left on my own.
your touch consumes my soul in hopes for it to be full again
time isnt so simple
the heart doesnt operate as planned
people come and go
so out of our control
people arent so simple
you told me youd never leave
until one day i woke up to find you gone
letting go isnt so simple
you told me you loved me

*love, isnt so simple.

in the grand scheme of things,
it doesn't come down to how long you have loved someone,
it comes down to who waited to be loved in return.

ive loved you since forever,
and forever ever since.

his life was admirable.
you could tell what he wanted in life and what he wanted was so bold he couldn't quite reach it,
just as he could not reach the top shelf at the age of 6 years old.

at 6 years old he was adventurous and curious.
realizing that he could climb on his kitchen counter and take whatever he needed from the top shelf which he would do as he pleased.



at 17 years old he reached for my heart on the top shelf.
at 17 years old he climbed on the counter of my soul and took my heart.
which he did as he pleased.


at 17 years old i left my heart on the bottom shelf in reach.
so easily taken and put back but always missing something when returned.



at 17 years old my heart was left on his top shelf.



at 17 years old my heart was left to be stabbed by the other hearts which were taken and returned in time.


at 17 years old, my kitchen was empty.

Staying up later than anyone else
means you get to eat whatever, and however you want,
it means you can think however you want,
you can do whatever you want,
you can literally be whoever you want to be when you stay up late,
because nobody can stop the way you position yourself in life late at night.

Ill just be here smoking my cigarette like i always do, youre right there next to me, already smoked two.

Lighting one after another till they burn out flilling our lungs with waste.

Soon you'll finish your cigarettes and you'll leave like you always do.

Slowly burning until you have finished your daily pack.



Our love was like these cigarettes.

Burning to waste until youve finished your daily dosage of me.

Soon you'll get up and leave, but whats to worry?

You have another carton to waste.

His eyes shone
Like a single star
In my very dark reality.

Darling please don't fail me now.
Because right now,
All I can hear is the sound of your voice.
Remember those films we used to tape?
Ive played them back, now everyday.

Darling don't fail me now.
The days are getting longer.
The darkness keeps getting stronger.
And baby its getting harder and harder to conquer.

Darling don't fail me now.
Society's getting farther.
A little like that quote told by Peter Parker.
Mental illness is growing larger.

Darling please don't fail me now.
In this time of desperation,
Do you have an explanation?

Darling. Please.

Don't fail me now.

Dearest future me.

Life's brought you down
You've drowned
I hope you're satisfied,
With yourself.
I know that you've let go of society.
I need you to know that you're loved.
Believe that.
I don't know what its going to be like in the generation now..
But if societies like it is now,
Rather worse,
Hang in there.
You've let your soul slip in the past,
And you've let time get away from you.
Society kills
Like a gun
Restore it
To the best of your ability.
Because I'm not sure if you remember or not,
What its like for your old self.
I'm sure youre remembering.
Let it go.
Start over.
Society,
Its an action.
Rather than anything else.
Be society.
Be that action that moves the world
Positively.
You're strong.
Hold on.

I'm happy for you
I'm so happy that you let go
In a day
I'm happy for you
I'm so happy that you lied to me
So you could get her to stay.
Before I could warn her
So here's to his brand new lover
Good luck
I'm happy for you
I'm so happy that you can be crushed over and over again,
That you can be drown in lies
And I'm especially happy to see you slowly break down
So that you can come back and ask me for advice, because I'd gone through it for years.
Well darling
All I can do is laugh at you
Its a guilty pleasure.
Seeing someone so hurt, by the one I had been by.
Making their way to where I am
I'm so happy for you.
And I've got one thing to tell you
From the bottom of my soul
Good luck
I couldn't tell you if you're strong enough.
Its a living hell
As cruel as it sounds,
I'm happy for you.

So many people get hurt in this world.
I happen to fall a lot.
And every time I fall,
I get hurt.
Commen sense right?
Brutality rushes through my mind when I think about falling
Butterflies align my insides making me lose the memories I've had.
And each time I fall harder
I'm just another one of those attacking souls that can't keep myself away.
Because if Im brutal enough,
I'll be known to have no heart.
And no heart will he broken,
Once a valentine of a sweet boy,
To a destroyed soul that can't get enough.
Darling,
So many people get hurt in this world
I happen to fall a lot.
Until my heart leaks of truth,
Until someone shows me different..
Darling, I'll have to pass up your offer.

Baby, that's the time we tried to sort out the times we couldn't bear each other anymore.
And while the days grow short I'm screaming the hints at you but baby,
You're oblivious.
Darling my hearts beats are shortening.
And my breath is slowing.
Everything tears me apart.
And that's why I crave your existence in my life.
I crave your touch,
I crave your mind
I crave your humour.
But love, you can't be mine.
But the days are getting longer.
And sometimes Im going to want to hold your hand.
And simply.
You're never going to be there.
You'll move on.
And I'm going to be of the past.
And baby.
Maybe I won't be there anymore.

I'm on an everlasting roller coaster,
The turns,
The bumps,
The drops,
The speed.
Its all got my heart racing,
And my stomach turning
I want to get off.
I want to leave.
I want to close my eyes until its over,
I never want to wake up

I'm in wonderland.
Where everythings backwards,
Upside down,
Its beautiful.
But I cannot see.
I can't see what's going on,
Through my blurry vision,
I see an oncoming object.
A rabbit.
But he's no friendly rabbit like I'd thought
He approaches me,
With a knife in his hand.
And stabs me in the back
Until my mind and heart can't take it any longer.

I'm on a yellow paved road.
Off to see the wizard.
Of true love.
So I can be happy.
I come to decisions,
That do not seem to end.
But its all worth it.
I'm going to be happy.
I've made it,
To the lovely palace of love.
I'm finally going to be happy.
But when I step inside,
Its dark,
Its cold.
All I see is a dark sign that reads
Be back,
Never.

Dear future lover
I'm not sure if I'll ever get out of this mess I call my life.
And I'm not sure why you're even in love with me.
I'm oblivious to society.
Although,
It has me wrapped around its finger
Dear future lover
When the sun goes down,
My sadness will rise.
And my emotions,
Will burst into flames that cannot be put out.
Dear future lover
I hope you can love me,
As much as I hate myself.

Here's to the teens,

The teens who are still smiling,
After being broken uncountable times.

The ones that are still waking up everyday despite the reasons they should not.
So many reasons.

The teens that ignore the suicidal mind inside their head that outlines the engravings in their wrists that spell his name.
To be used for the short ammount of feeling that she loves.
Because in reality.
Most of you don't even feel anymore.

Here's to the teens that are still hanging on,
Waiting.
Waiting for something, or someone to come stop the emptiness.

Here's to the teens that have given up on society.
And are living in their daydream.

Its probably better for us, anyways.

All of us,

Hurt, or not.

Society is gonna catch us all,
Like fishing.

Society's the bait.
Were the fish.
And this world,
Is the fisherman.

So here's to the teens,
The teens who are still breathing,
The ones that are learning to live in a daydream.

Because its safe, and its well,

Happy.

In our little daydream.

Darling,
Don't you worry about the bad nights you're beggining to have,
Or the out of the ordinary strange thoughts you are begging to know more about,
Don't stress over the extreme headaches you're worrying about.
Honey, don't Blame yourself for the slightly suicidal thoughts that cross your mind now and then.
Because love, I'm pretty sure every teen out there isn't "all there" anymore.
Were all going a little insane.

Every single day,
Im trying to think of ways
To end that helpless feeling you have everyday,
I find a way,
To put a smile of your face,
But everytime I look closely
I can see that every inch of you is torn.
Physically,
The "scratches" on your wrists
From the lovely blade of the cats nails,
That you don't even have.
In anyway,
You feel the hate of everyone's presence
And all that you can say is the killer word,
"Okay"
But in a single day,
does that word even take place in your world?
So hatefully,
You push away yourself and people from your world,
Because simply,
You're afraid,
Afraid that someone can simply hate you,
As much as you hate yourself.

If this night gets any longer,
I think I'll hate you,
As I wander.
Because every time I pass a streetlight
My mind goes back to where this started.
I told you I was afraid of love that night.
That didn't stop you.
What a fright.
We were happy,
Until tonight,
When you left me.

I told you I was afraid of love that night.
But all you did is hug me tight.

Finally i wasn't afraid.
Until tonight.

I guess It turns out, i was right.

Don't you see?
She loves you.
And she loves you so **** much,
That she sacrificed all of her time,
Friends..
And her family,
All for you.
Because she loves you so **** much
And you can't even answer her texts.
But she loves you so **** much,
That she just brushes it off and smiles,
When you finally text her back with your one word text.
On the weekends,
You go partying, or go out with your friends,
But she stays home,
Because youre so **** selfish to by pass an invite.
Youre so **** selfish that she gave up all of her friends for you. Because you don't like them.
So in the meantime, the sits at home..
She's slowly losing herself in her daydream.
She's drifting from reality.
Pretty soon when you actually make time to see her, the only thing you'll see is the carvings in her wrists.
And youre so **** selfish, that you'll just sit there.
Not a word.
Are you happy?
She's under your complete control.
You have that helpless girl wrapped around your finger.
Oh, you're so **** selfish,
That while she gets lost in your eyes, and dreams about if she'all ever get better,
You get lost in your cell phone.
Don't you see?
She's totally, completely, uncontrollably in love with you.
But you're so **** selfish, that you can't even love her back.

What have we become?
We used to be so close.
But things have changed,
I guess.
And now you won't even answer my texts.

No matter how hard I try,
You're always going to find something,
You're always gonna pick something out of me.
I know, I've ******* up.
A lot.

So that's okay.
No need to keep giving me second chances.
Because you're always gonna find something.
Aren't you?

Things have changed,
I guess.

If I seen you,
Twenty years from now,
Where would you be?
Would you be alone?
What about a family?

When the day grew dawn,
Would you still think about me?
All those memories?

The late night talks
And the warm kisses on a chilly night,
Remember the times we had?
Just you and I?
I do.

If I seen you,
Twenty years from now,
Where would you be?

I'm hoping i will be there.
Just you and me.

We dance,
And we sing.
We laugh,
And we bring;
Joy,
Joy to everyone watching.
But when the curtains close..
We break eachother.
We only live in everlasting screams.
Were actors you see,
Its always about, well..
Publicity.

I hardly knew you,
But I wanted you to be the one.
I wanted you to be my first love.
And my last.
But were only young
And hardly anything even makes sense anymore.
Sure,
We know how to square pi,
And every formula in the periodic table,
But knowing you,
That,
That's the hardest thing;
That i've ever had to learn .
I hardly even know what love is.

If I never saw you again,
I'd say It was fine,
I was fine.

But deep down,
I wouldn't be okay.
And slowly,
I'd die.
And eventually,
I'd be bound to break,
And every broken person;
Is never "okay"
Socially,
Emotionally,
Physically.
Its not acceptable.

Go ahead, leave.
I wouldn't mean anything in the end.

When the sun goes down,
I'll end up loving you anyways,
So leave.
Let me forget you.
Move on.
I can't handle it.
I want to be happy,
But the everyday hurt,
It will not allow happieness.
Nothing ever does.
I need to let you go.
And if I don't,
The sun will go down,
And I'll end up loving you anyways.

Tonight I'll go to bed, but I will not sleep.
And tonight, I'll be thinking about you.
About us.
What we were,
What we've become,
And what part of me still lives.
After everything I've been through,
What you've put me through.
Tonight, ill think about you;
and what happened to those happy souls who once loved eachother.
Tonight, I'm waking up.
I'm breathing.
I'm alive.
Maybe tonight,
I'm forgiving you
For all the bad things
And all the good ones too
Baby tonight, maybe I'll sleep.