she said, "I'm basically marrying Papa."

a person alone comes with many stories untold. notice their movements, their language, and their appearance.

the way they talk with their hands. maybe this person likes to walk and talk. if so, walk with them. pay close attention to their diction. be careful not to over analyze every word they say. observe the nature of their tone and how they address certain situations. look at them. clothing isn't what I'm worried about here. I mean really, truly, look at them. appreciate their style, their charisma, their body. after all, they are a work of art.

take note of the small conversations you share over a drive or coffee. the small talk is the most significant. if you listen, you'll learn more about them than you ever could in a discussion about politics. hone in on the way they carry themselves around their family, friends, and coworkers.

observation is one of the most powerful tools we have as a human. use it to your best advantage. to some it may seem irrelevant; to others it means the world.

when you tell me about your family your words don't match up to your actions. you love them dearly. they mean the world to you. you don't have to physically say it for me to know the truth.

you use "small words" because you're afraid to believe in yourself. your vocabulary is a wide variety of syllables and letters. you don't fool me, boy.

you hate false hope, but you know you have one hell of a hand.

the dirt, oil, and grease underneath your fingernails and permanently stained on your palms is impressive.

you say you don't have a heart. you tell me you don't care about a **** thing. you may be wearing many upon many of layers, but I know you wear your heart on your sleeve.

that's why she said, "I'm basically marrying Papa."

to have an opinion is a very powerful concept. every person has at least one toward a subject they feel strongly about.

to have an opinion is not a negative. however, I do not regret to inform you that it's unnecessary to have an abundance of them.

to have an opinion is very influential. at least we all make it seem as such.

to have an opinion isn't as meaningful as we lead it on to be. we are told to choose our battles wisely. treat your opinions likewise.

"a society that forgets its past is doomed to repeat it."

then why do we, as humans, continuously repeat our past willingly? knowing very well it will put us right back where we were. we're full of nostalgia and regret. remorse towards those we have manipulated. remorse for the wrongdoings we've faced within our lives. remorse for the loss of loved ones. all they left behind were memories and material items. all they left behind were blank pages we were forced to fill on our own.

so again, I ask, why is it that the only thing we are consistent with is our thirst for guilt and pain? we receive pleasure from the pain. whether it's radiating off of ourselves or the small corner store we all voted to demolish, it never goes away. we feed off of self-inflicted hate and destruction. the longevity of this tragedy is by far the most morally depraved I have ever witnessed and experienced. although not quite as corrupt as our social and economical atmosphere.

perpetual bliss in this day and age is derived from a series of events leading to death and definition. a dictionary is the most powerful tool known to man. explanations are a must in our everyday lives. why do we insist on subsiding into the caves of the past?

I wish I could tell you I never put a cigarette to my lips. or that I never knew I would break your heart. how about I tell you the truth instead? I used to smoke because it made me feel good. now I smoke to get the taste of your name out of my mouth. I knew from the first time we kissed that I would break your heart. but I couldn't resist feeling your lips pressed against mine. I had to have it. I had to have you. boy, did you surprise me though. you had so much hidden behind you. then, it just kind of happened. I fell in love. not in the way you fall asleep either. & I didn't fall. I sort of stumbled upon it. every word you've ever written. every smile you've shot my way. everytime you laugh at me. I couldn't help but to wonder, how can I be so **** selfish? for all that time I knew what was bound to happen. yet I continued to love you. worst of all I continued to let you love me. I let you write over one hundred poems about me. I let you consume me. I let you open doors for me while I slammed them in your face. why did you stay for so long? why? I don't get it. I just don't get it. you had to have an implication on how we would end. had you not? although I tore you apart, I think what I messed up most was myself. I had no intentions on loving you like I did. I had no intentions on loving you like I do. it's funny. ha. I knew I would leave fragments everywhere. but you, you left a striking warpath. who ever knew such a beauty could cause such destruction? you are a tornado. I've always wanted to be a storm chaser. you are the sunsets, the storms, the bitter cold. a few of my favorite things.

all these stars are beautiful, indeed.
however, they aren't the ones you need.
what you want is something irreplaceable.
what you want is something compatible.
the moon never asks for much.
in return you ignore her as such.
she won't be around forever.
& these stars will keep your secrets for never.
so while you're out there wasting wishes,
the moon is no longer blowing you kisses.

yellow cars
bumble bees
and flag poles

longboards
a chain-linked fence
and tadpoles

you are
the nacelle on an airplane
that is, a separate engine that has been attached for support
to keep me going

yellow cars
bumble bees
and flag poles

longboards
a chain-linked fence
and tadpoles

navigating me out of the forest fire
saving me from my death
should I thank you or resent you
should I attempt or resign

yellow cars
bumble bees
and flagpoles

longboards
a chain-linked fence
and tadpoles

time with you is time well spent
although leaving you stings worse than a bee
you support me no matter what

we cruise along wherever things take us
locked together with the same mindset
yet we’re growing in different directions

I bid thee farewell
the halls filled with various voices
classrooms lacking ambition
teachers who put everything into their work
and those who don’t
students I will never see again
friends that won’t keep in touch
stairwells drowning in secrets
every vandalised desk
every broken bathroom door
it’s time to say goodbye
a new highway has opened up
I’m going to travel the world.

Afraid of the dark
   amazed by the light
Behind the face of a
   broken boy
Concealing his emotions
   carrying the weight of his guilt
Deepening your intellect with
   details of his inner thoughts
Extending the night into day
   effortlessly with a sinister grin
Foreshadowing the
   future without hope or
Gratification he cannot
   greet you with
Happiness for he is
   helplessly
In search of new insight
   in order to bring a more
Jubilant vibe to life and provide
   joy for others to possibly
Kindle the repressed joy within him
   knowing there is rebuttal
Looking him dead in the eye
   livid from betrayal he
Meets a new friend
   mastered in the art of revenge
Never looking back he
   nearly kills himself looking for an
Oasis
   oblivious to the realization that this
Pal is inside his head rather than
   presenting itself before him he is in a
Quandary trying to
   quantify his emotions
Rather than understanding what has been
   released inside of him
Soon enough he has an idea to
   saturate his body in
Toluene in hopes
   to escape the
Underworld that is about to engulf him
   ultimately he must
Vacate this so called sanctuary to find
   value within himself
Wading knee-deep in
   water trying to determine is he a
Xenophile or is he a
   xenophobe the boy
Yearns for an answer
   yell at him so he feels something
Zany he may be as his three digit
   zip code is six-six-six

afraid of the dark
in love with the sun
my demons bask beneath the moonlight
I cower in fear
the early mornings are my only hope
I need every ounce of sunshine I can get
don't absorb it; you might get sick
the fact that it's out there is comfort enough
bad thoughts trace the lines on my palms
in darkness they trace the lines in my mind
burning every bit of solace there was
leaving me to turn to their light

high speed winds, hail, flying debris.
a rotation in the sky like the one in my chest.
trees falling down. lightning striking the earth.
pounding thunder keeping my heart alive.
the storm inside of me is calmed by the storm outside of me.
damaging winds. busted windows.
everything is strewn all about.
I’m not alone.
this place is a mess.
I’m falling apart.
this storm is dangerous.
I play with fire.

a fresh, brand new candle is the best thing ever. it smells delightful. the first time it's burning is like heaven on earth, if heaven is real, that is. lighting that wick is the thrill of the moment. watching the fire dance is enticing as you sit and run your hand through it. after a few weeks the candle starts to die down. the smell fades and blends in with the room. you hardly even notice it's there now. the wick is burning low. only time will tell how long it is before the candle is burnt out. give it another day. one more glimmer of hope. in the late morning it simmers down to nothing and that dancing fire has disappeared. all that's left is the smoke. that smell, the smell of death by candle, is amazing. it's so beautiful yet daring. this is the best part. soon that smokey atmosphere is fading away just like that first scent of the candle. and it's long forgotten about. all that remains is the not-so-thrilling wick, black and lifeless.

dreaming is a beautiful gift we are given. some don't get to experience it as often as others do. we take for granted our dreams until we begin to have nightmares. but the things is nightmares are the only way we can appreciate our dreams. dreaming won't be enough forever. dreaming isn't reality. we wish to live in our dreams, so some of us do. some of us choose to dream forever. some of us never wake up. one day that will be us. we will be so engulfed in our dreams we won't need to wake up, but when that time comes our dreams will be reality. that's when I'll be sitting on that ledge cussing at the world. I'll be loathing in self pity wondering why it took all of these years for me to finally realize this is my destiny. this is how it was meant to be. you'll be off doing bigger and better things in the house we dreamed of together, but only one thing will be different. I won't be there. someone else will be there for you. someone better. someone who has the right words to say when you're getting bad. I never could come up with anything meaningful or anything that could help get you out. I am only a listener. and a person can only stay quiet before they break.

Writing in general is beautiful. It's an escape. If you can't say how you feel you can write about it. You see, I think I'm in love, but I can't be so sure. Being in love and loving a person are two different concepts. And it's so generic to be writing about love. It seems like that's all we do. But I can't write about how I might hate you because I don't, I can't, and never will. However, there's nothing saying you won't hate me after we've had our time together. To be honest, I'm terrified. I can't stand having the knowledge that I could break you. You're like a tea cup, so fragile and frail, yet you're so strongly bound together like a well read book. I don't fully understand you, but I'm okay with that because I don't understand myself either. We can be a contradiction together. Dead, but our hearts are still beating.

I'm not learning, I'm here. Subsiding from cultural norms, I'm here.
the purest thing we ever have is innocence. there's no way to describe it. it's just there. I'm just here. I used to carry the innocence with me everywhere I went, but that time has long since passed. once it's gone, it's gone forever. ****** into the black abyss we call our past. and it's what we continue to long for year after year, time and time again. because we were pure then. we were innocent. oblivious to all the negativity. oblivious to the depression that will soon consume us. taking over our whole existence. and I realize, now, that's where the nostalgia takes its toll on us. the fact that we didn't know what was coming. we didn't know our innocent smiles and dreams would be deprived of us. swept up and thrown out. or is it hiding under the rug as if it amounts to nothing but forgotten dirt left by lazy, careless children? was it that well dressed in disguise that we forgot about it, letting it fall right through our fingers? or is it still wandering around, lost and begging to be found?

you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. that is why I am scared. I am scared I will make a decision that I won't be able to be forgiven for. you make it out to be okay. nothing is unordinary because you experience quite similar happenings. you say it won't matter. I know it will. you say to give it a shot. I don't want to risk it. life is about taking chances. you are a chance I don't want to risk losing. I will not and do not want to lose you. I refuse. so I am playing it safe. I won't try to steal third base and take my chance at home plate. I will simply wait until I know it is safe to run. I will slide into home plate so gracefully neither one of us will realize what happened until we are 6 feet deep. submerged and fully unaware of the reality around us. we will have our own reality to surround ourselves with. my reality will, within time, be your arms wrapped around my waist laying on your bed watching a movie on a Friday night. and that is when we will say our I love you's.

Goodbye.
That’s how I’ll start it.
A simple goodbye should suffice for all of the years I’ve been diminishing into the darkness.
Nobody seems to notice the way I carry myself anymore.
I think it’s funny because when I’m gone I know they will envision me as their best friend.
They will explain how I never showed any signs and I was such a nice girl.
Shutup.
Shutup!Shutup!Shutup!
They don’t know me.
Nobody does.
Only he who vowed to keep my secrets.
Only he who vowed to keep his promises.
He won’t find out until it’s much too late that I’m actually gone this time.
Not just figuratively anymore. This time I’m gone and there’s no going back.
No more am I a contradiction of dead but still alive.
I am now dead on the outside just as much as I am on the inside.
Let me apologize before I say goodbye.
Let me tell you I wish I could’ve made you proud.
Let me tell you how lousy I feel.
But don’t pity me.
I’ve spent too long taking pity on myself for you to do the same.
Know now that I love you.
I love you like a butterfly loves the sunlight.
And I say my apologies in regret to inform you of the terrible life I have led.
Please, I beg you, please.
Live your life.
Enjoy yourself.
Grab the bull by the horns and hang on.
It’ll be the time of your life.

I long to feel weight against my body. anything to let me know I'm still alive. sometimes I long to feel your weight against my body. not even a piece of paper could fit between us. whispering your secrets into me as I take in your breath. breathing so heavily neither one of us can control our actions. interlocked as we reveal our deepest thoughts. our most marvelous desires. now they have been fulfilled. currently satisfying each and every one of our needs. becoming anxious at the thought of this taking action. like a movie scene. three, two, one, it's our time to shine. I long for the feeling to not feel at all.

our demons played well with each other. played as in past tense. played as in they don't anymore. played as in they broke each other. played as in we are incapable of fixing ourselves. played as in there's no remedy to these broken souls. played as in we are lost & gone forever. played as in hide and seek. played as in we're hiding from our secrets. played as in let's find each other. played as in I apologize. played as in sorry can't fix broken. played as in we had our chance. played as in you said goodbye. played as in we walked away.

my eyes burn from all this smoke in the air. smoke filled with empty promises nobody intends to keep. promises filled with regret and remorse. promises only made out of pity. self pity. we only think about ourselves. so to keep others around we must promise them promises they want to hear. tell them all the right things. because when you feel them pulling away you can't take it. you're always the one fading. like the smell of pine sol on a freshly mopped kitchen floor. forbidden, they are, to be the lemon scent leaving your nostrils. the narcissistic beings we are force them to stay with the words we choose. but we're the ones who go with words left unsaid. and that, my friends, is what an empty promise is.

I want to be a good for something
not a good for nothing
I don't want to be known for the decisions I make
I want to be known for the chances I take
I don't want you to see me for who I aim to be
instead notice the real me
don't pay attention to the mask on my face
watch and I'll give you a trace
of who's really inside my mind
let's turn back time and rewind
to the little girl attached to her mommy's hip
now she's back talking and giving her lip
because this place isn't where she wants to be
she wants to be free
this isn't the place she wants to call home
tell me, what defines a home
a house isn't a home unless
you feel stressed
am I right
all they do is fight
can I leave can I be me yet
oh child don't fret
don't grow up too fast
once you're older you'll reach for your past
and you'll want to be that little girl attached to her mommy's hip again

words roll off your tongue like a tidal
wave rolls onto shore
gracefully but crashing
careful yet careless
kissing the shoreline
kissing me
with ease and comfort
with butterflies in my stomach
I search your eyes for the next sentence to marvel at

73 reasons why. you gave me 73 reasons why. then added one.
74 reasons why. you gave me 74 reasons why.
I destroyed all of them. every single reason has diminished. I gradually poured gasoline on every single one of them, then threw a lit match in your face.
the night is coming to an end. the full moon has risen. and I’m stuck here wishing, hoping I can be myself again.
I’m not saying sorry. I’m simply letting you know. closure.
before you I never let anyone in. you waltzed right in like it was nothing. for you, my door was open.
I can’t say why. I’m baffled, even still in disbelief, this actually happened.
forever will I treasure and cherish these moments. you were mine. it was magnificent.
like a fairytale book written strictly for our time together. well, dear, our time has run out.
twelve o’clock has come upon us.
I left you at the ball. alone and confused. hurt and shut down.
sitting on those red velvet steps, a glass slipper caught your eye.
this isn’t a fairytale anymore. that isn’t my glass slipper. I am no longer your princess.
it’s a new journey for you. find your princess.
give her 74 reasons why.
and she’ll give you 74 right back.

a sister.
a bestfriend.
a role model.
a mother.
a confidant.

a person who supports me.
a person who is there for me.
a person who understands.
a person who is trusted.
a person who accepts me.

I regret to inform you,

you are all of the first five,
but none of the last.

and you'll find me
on a beaten path
to nowhere
with scars on my hips
and slits on my wrist

and you'll find me
on a beaten path
to nowhere
with music in my ears
and tears in my eyes

and you'll find me
on a beaten path
to nowhere
with nothing
but a mere hello
and a hollow goodbye

Should I be stuck inside these walls forever
I would carry on like any other
No company to keep me from thinking
And all silence to encourage my killing
Don’t worry, my actions are legal
Should I take it to my body it’ll be lethal
But my mind is the victim here
I always keep my pencil near
No matter what the weather
I always feel like doing the latter
Should I be stuck inside these walls forever
I vow I will never get better