all the things i want to tell you
• i will never love anyone the way I loved you
• i will never love anyone again
• my bones ache to be near yours
• your eyes still give me chills
• you are still perfect to me
• i wish i could have been what you wanted
• i die every day because you don't love me anymore
• i look for you in everyone now
• everything reminds me of you
• and i still love you and always will
( l.b )

I picked the petals off the flower and watched them slowly sink into the grass as I said "he loves me, he loves me not" like the outcome was going to be any different. you didn't love me, and I was thinking this throughout this entire time. and of course (I guess Fate felt as though she had to reassure me) the last petal was "he loves me not."

it's kind of weird that I fell in love with you actually. you didn't sweep me off my feet or anything like that. you were a rude, self-centered, inconsiderate *******. you made jokes you'll probably spend an eternity burning in hell for. you woke up late and drove recklessly.
but I scares me because we had so much in common. you only cared about me and what people said about you.  I would laugh at your hell-worthy jokes. we had the same taste in music, and we both wanted to escape everything around us.

I want to write about our good memories. I sit here and think about them, and when I snap back into reality, my heart aches for you. so I don't think I can write about them right now. maybe one day I'll be strong enough to, but I don't think today is that day.

your love has been coursing through my veins since the day you first brushed your lips gently against mine.
a great amount of time has passed since then and many things have changed.
• you left and took my heart with you like a bandit in the night
• you found a new girl who provides your cold and dark heart with everything it needs to flourish
• I am being self sufficient and trying not to think of you, even though it is quite impossible because everything reminds me of you because you were my everything
I may not know a lot of things.
I may not know how the stars are made or why they were shining in your eyes that one autumn night.
I may not know why the moon is inching farther and farther away from the earth each year or why the space between us grew.
and I may not know exactly why you left me but I do know that your love still courses through my veins.
I may not know, but I do hope. I hope that one day we will be two people meeting again for the first time. I hope we can turn another page in our book for I feel my love for you could write a novel. and I hope one day you feel the same again.
( l.b )

you pulled me apart piece by piece, looking for the things you liked and criticizing the things you didn't. your fingers traced more core before jamming your fingers in and cracking me open (you were surprised when dead roses and not sunshine burst through). you had me agape, just like a book. but you didn't know what to do, you never read; I guess that's why you always questioned my poetry.

i haven't been with you in a while.
9 weeks and 2 days to be exact.
that's
           65 days or
                 2.1 months or
                        1560 hours
that you haven't touched me. or looked at me. or even cared that i existed. you make me want to die.
( l.b )

I have so many things I want to tell you. I want you to know that I still love you with everything I have. I also want you to know I miss you so much it makes me sick. it's been so hard without you. I would say anything to make you love me again. but I know you don't care about me anymore so it's useless. I still feel you pulsing through my veins so I tear my skin open most nights to get you out. my body is littered with cuts of your remnants, but that's okay. you have made me so numb. I can't move on and I can't love anybody else because they aren't you. I will die alone just because I feel you are the only one for me. I wish you could read all my poems, cause every single one of them is about you. I really just want you to know that I am lost and cold and bitter and broken and screaming on the inside without you. I just wish I knew how to live without you. cause what I'm doing right now is not living. do you remember all the good times we had? talking on the phone at 5 am with no intention of going to bed soon. listening to the best music in your car with the volume all the way up. when you traced my veins with your fingertips and I felt fireworks go off inside of me. I miss your eyes. they read me like a book, but I guess you didn't like reading. your eyes, along with your arms were home to me. I could look in your eyes and know that I had a place in this world, and knew that it was with you. and they were so beautiful. they were my favorite color. I miss the energy your skin gave off. when I was near you, I automatically smiled, like how your hair stands when lightening strikes nearby. I miss your hands. some nights, I wake up cause I swear I felt them on the small of my back again. my hand in yours was one of my favorite feelings. but I just miss you in general. you were my best friend. when you left me, I was completely alone. I was to used to turning towards you when I was alone, scared, sad, angry, happy or just wanted to talk. I was used to the "good morning babe" and "goodnight angel" texts. I was used to you calling me cute names. I lost so much when I lost you. you ruined my life. and what ***** me up the most is that you have no clue, and if you did, you wouldn't care at all. to you, I guess I was just another girl; just another doll to collect and add onto your shelf. but you were the most perfect guy in the world. do you realize I look for you in every single guy I talk to now? I can't get rid of you. everything reminds me of you and I hate it. I'm not sure if I hate you or love you or a combination of both. you confuse me. but honestly, I hope you are completely happy. even though you ruined me, you are so amazing and beautiful and you deserve the best. better than me. I guess I deserved you to leave me. whatever. I don't even know. all I know is that I love you and miss you and I want to fix whatever happened and I want to hear you tell me that you love me again. because I love you so much and that will never change.

you know, it's awful when you walk down the hallway, and you pass somebody. somebody you spent hours on the phone with, telling them all of your secrets and insecurities, the one who knows everyone about you, and the one you love. but you just walk by without saying a word. you know why? because people change their minds in an instant, and you can't do a thing about it. you just pray that one day, someone will love you forever. until then, you're stuck with the memories haunting you.
( l.b )

I hope you remember the color of my eyes (they're brown).
And my favorite color (it's blue).
And I hope you remember the day we listened to johnny cash in your car (the rain was pouring down).
And I hope you remember that I love you with every fiber of my being.
And I hope you remember that you will always be the only one for me (I told you that many times).
And I want you to know that you wrecked me.
I don't know what to do with myself anymore and it's all because of you.
I miss you more than my lungs miss the air when I'm underwater.
But you are the water.
You stole all the air from my lungs and left me breathless.
Please give it back. I don't want to need you anymore
But I do. And I always will.
( l.b )

His eyes were the color of the sea, captivating me when we locked glances. Me of course, unable to look away. I was entranced by him in every way; physically, emotionally, mentally. I could not go outside and let the warm summer breeze brush past my arms without thinking of the way held me in his. Strong, yet gentle in the most important of ways. His smile was enough to set thousands of butterflies soaring around in my stomach. I loved the energy radiating off his skin. I let it flow through my veins, as if it were a part of me. You see, the boy with the eyes the color of the sea is long gone. He was gone as quickly as the sun rises just to set again. Now, it is winter. I step outside and a harsh gale of wind blows through, chilling me to the bone. But that's how I felt when he left me, and I remain that way. He is still a part of me and always will be. I can still taste him on my lips, and I wonder if things could ever be the same.
( l.b )

There is a war inside of me.

I love you. I love you for making me see all of the beautiful things in life. Your smile never failed to shine into my soul, and your laugh filled the dark spaces in the back of my mind. When I was with you, I would laugh so hard my ribs would ache. When I was with you, I felt like I was home. I felt like a finally had a place. Thank you for that.

But then again, I hate you. I hate you so much. I hate you for leaving me. You were my best friend and my lover and when I lost you, I lost everything. When something reminds me of you, a wave of nostalgia rolls over me so hard I have to stop and blink back the tears. Without you, I was suddenly lost in this world. And I still am. And I always will be. You carry my heart with you. And don't they say 'home is where the heart is'?

( l.b )