you focus on the pills,
I try to stop the fading,
I've been fading,

and the thing that breaks my heart the most,
is You love me with your demons,
and I take it in,
I take you in.
every time.

and there's bruises on my arm love,
from another fight once one,
just to be lost again.

And you, you find lovers in smoke covered rooms,
and the demons run rampant,
and you leave me,
worrying at home,
all alone,
ever alone.

You say,"you do not own me, you cannot control me"

and you carry you modge podge jaded notions of romance,
around like it's a suitcase, to wear and tear,

but you light my fire from the outside in,
proving your the one to make me feel,
you smile like the crooked monster you've become,
now your smiles don't even meet my eyes,

and "baby baby baby..."
you promise me rainbows and picket fences after every time.
its the line, I've bought it,
and for every step you take a yard,

there are scars to prove it,
I have scars to prove it.

And there are days i wear them like stitches,
they hold the broken pieces
of this broken heart,

still there are other days where the light of a new days dawning,
and I can pass the etch a sketch on my skin
as creative badges,
ugly to be sure,
reluctant trails to nowhere safe,
and lines to color in.

BUT I refuse to be your prisoner, so please sir, watch me leave.

crawl up my skin, sit here beside me,
will you listen?
listen to my heart break,
listen to the sad songs I'm still trying to write.

just stop,
here.
be here.
with me,
turn off the thoughts of you just for a moment,
and listen to me,
I stop for you,
and the world will spin without your finger tips pressed to plastic,

Gosh,
I am screaming in this silence,
I filled this canyon with thoughts of you,

I defense.. I mean I defend. for you, I do.
I put it away,
and I shove it all down,
saying I am fine,
wish you put up a hand,
to find mine,
and we're laying in the dark now,
I've forgotten how to speak,
and there is time but I am weak,
you haven't tended to me.

but I've quieted these demons,
heart,
I've pushed me aside,
"I always value your life over mine"

and she  breaks me down,
with consistency her ,
and I chose the path of weakness,
I fought so hard for love,
not meant for me,
and I struggled against the marriage of  insecurities in my reality.
_________________­___

and this truth lays,
between us,
like the valley of the dead,
whose dreams have withered up and died.
__________________­__

I get lost in you're memory,
as I think,
I wrap your love around me,
closer than my skin,
and there are tears,
till all I have left is a d.u.l.l. ache.
Only remembering loss,
blindsided by the raging emotion,
and damage wrought to an unprotected heart.

"and I am hurt,
I am pain,
the only thing I remember is your name,

there are moments I remember ,
snap shots, re-winded and reviewed,
stretched out through time,
and pour them out,
through my mind,

I am a mess of raw parts,
and bruised bones,
its overpowering my senses,
I repeat all the lines,
but you grew a garden in my mind,
you send me back there with just a look,

and in this moment,
I remember,
the heat under your stare,
I mutter things like I don't care,

heart you are of no use to me,
I want to lock you away,
and put you in repair,

o yes I remember the strength of your stare.

"And I am hurt.
I am pain.
but I walk with raw emotions,
like tethered strings,
wrapped 'round this heart.
and I am strength;
mindless in pursuit.
I walk. I wander.
Knowing what I want,
unsure of your desire.

I'm a puppet on a string,
and you're the unknowing master.

I sing symphonies in my sleep,
driving passion effortlessly.

and as this war rages,
I throw my body in front of you,
with out thought.
Just the rhythm of my love for you,
ringing in my ears.

And there are holes in me,
and it is how it should be.

One thing I regret,
that I failed to make you see,
hang up the strings love,
this is my offering."

I run my fingers over the scars,
that line your wrist,
and I smile,
thinking that they are parking spots,
for my wayward hands.

and your voice I hear it still,
and I follow the sound of your whispers,
dancing in the echo of my hollowed out heart,
and my innocence reverberates against all I know,
against all I know now.

we laid together under a canopy of stars,
and the fear of getting caught the mosquitoes of our existence.
we stood close to the fire hoping we'd get burnt,
seeking the danger in desire, just to feel,
and we exchanged hearts communicable disease...

the split wasn't even..
it never was.

you fall asleep, and I make songs to the rhythm,
and my breath and I want to stretch this moment around me and crawl inside the corners of you heart and setup shop there, or coax the stranger smiling outside your windows, to explain to me the delicate nature of you're ribs, and tell me why you don't swing like you used to,why you avoid reflective glass?

I wrap you up,
I feel your cold,
I call on strength that I only use to give away,
never for me,
I wouldn't know how to see, the me,
to use it on,
but I can focus it on you,
I can make your next breath easier than the last,
I carry that truth with me,
and its enough for now.

And I am beating at the windows,
banging at the door,
clawing at skin,

and I keep talking,
hoping you'd hear me,
and let me in.

And I don't know where you're going,
I don't know where you've been,
or how we got here,
and your breath was my breath,
and I don't know how it got so bad,
I don't know how I'm still breathing,
and I re live every hurt,
every pain,
and you've run along,
you mixin' passion and lust with new addictions,

I just wanted to save you,
you were searching for destruction,

You never loved me...
you never got past the pain.

You never loved me babe,
I'm not even sure you know how.

we live as opposites,
my words and I,
and we shape one another,
in our struggle to survive,
and we are different,
my words and I.*

I hold my arms out,
to carry you,my love,
But I am screaming, NO!
against you,
against all the things you've put me thru.

It is simple,
but you complicate this,
breath,
in/out/in/out

I squeeze my eyes shut,
against the vision of your scars,
I ball my fists in effort,
straining against your gravity pull,
I ball my fists to end,
what would be another chapter,
never ending, falling deliciously,
falling into what I have always known.

I hide under the covers,
trying to control my breath,
I know you hear me,
but you allow me this moments
panic,
this moment it's thoughts,
you allow me this moment,
and I can't help but remember,
that,

you give me the choice,
you allow me the decision,
you give me your beating heart,
and say do what you will,

and I do what I will,
because I can't decide what to do when I am standing over the edge of a canyon,
and all I want to do is fly,

you allow me this moment,
to see everything we are,
and everything we are not,

and underneath these covers,
it is warm,
but I feel the cold air find me as,

the tenor of the room changes,
and I'm so afraid I won't be,
enough,
that the experiences that litter your past,
will call you their lover again,

I'm so afraid of losing you,
I'm pushing you out the door,

And I meet your eyes one last time,
and their is ocean in turmoil
and I am the one who churned the waters,
but I know someone's calling your name in the distance,
even though they might never call mine.

And I took for granted your love dear,
I trampled the edges of your heart,
And I sink my teeth into your raw parts,

you've paper mache-d back together,
made with the feelings you hide,
and the bits and pieces you despise.

AND WE ARE BROKEN.

broken parts,
angles, and points,
ragged edges,
like our ragged breath,
we fight the war,
we live,
everyday,
fighting the existence,

We live for the moment we stop and feel,
and I have been  living my tomorrows today,
in search of the escape of my sorrows,
and I've been planning my life like I'm already late.

I feel out the landscape of your heart,
and I know it more than this old soul,

and we trace the contours of the in between,
and we don't even want breath,
we exchange our airy breath,
like sailors lose their voices to the waves,

I fall into you like this is all there ever will be,
like I'm supposed to,
Though words, that could define us is,
what we truly seek.

We dare not speak,
we grow to fear,
the indifference of the words said,
launched without thought,
that could,
that would,
pierce the world we live,
and in this moment,
i could die knowing
I drowned in you love dear,
and that would be enough.
You'd be enough.

We sleep on couches,
we know the floor,
but with you,
my reality is a castle with secret gardens,
a sleeping beauty, awake.

and I want to bake in  the sunshine of your love dear,
pull down the covers,
and awake love.

I've counted the hours.
I've paid my time.
Willingly knowing, that there's the sun
at the end of the tunnel,
I fight the muck, I fight the mire,
May we never tire my love.

don't bother to hold me hair.
and ****** why do I feel the need to lock you out,
I don't want to have to share.
I don't.

I have carried you on my back,
trying to help you,

and now I am empty and I can't focus on your pain
like you want me to,
I'm empty and I feel the harsh brush of bitterness climbing up my throat,
to form the acid on my tongue,
and I bite it back,
but my insides rage war,

And I love you.
we've been through,
death,
divorce,
****,
***,
Sarah,
but I'm...
barely breathing,
and I'm not sure you're seeing me anymore,
this breath is waning and I can't focus on you,
any more
or maybe it's so hard to past the news feeds of your life,
I resent that I have to ask you, to care about me,
I thought you know me,
but maybe you know the "me",
I used to be.

and can I just say whats on my heart,
I wish I didn't have to teach you how to love me,
you get me on so many many levels,
but jump back to the basics,
I dont want to be the supply and demand of my own needs,

You say you've never felt more closer but I'm not sure if you know I breathe.
I want more from you then this, how many times have a put your needs before mine,

And I can't do it this time,
and find love,
in life's leeches,
thinking I'd be the cure,

and have sat and rage war beside you,
but my insides hide,

you're hurting me cuffing my wrist chaffing this heart
and I'd burn this if it didn't help the bleeding of  my heart

i'm sorry all I want is for you to be
happy but all i see is the water now that surrounds me,
I jumped in to save you,
but I have,
and I didn't save a vest for me.

were just drowning together no one better off then before,
but i no longer want to commiserate together, though I'm in love with the storm.

I know that she finds safety with me,
though i'm unsure of how she decided that.

It's be lying,
they,
they lie,

saying don't ask
but,
please do tell?
you want the truth,
when it's,
convenient,
a fast food convenience,
not when its real,
not when it's raw.
you take the jersey shore,
to the feel of the jersey shore,
and ilk seeks out ilk,

and I become disgusted with your stance,
who'd you ****** with that crucifix today,
you wear white to herald your purity,
but you're covered in blood,
sticky matter that messes up your picket fence lifestyle,

"a lady in the streets, but a freak in the sheets"

and you are dying while your lying,
saying you're free of disease,

and what of the disease of your jealousy,
and it's eating at you.

You're a bitter wasteland of broken down homes,
and the shame isn't being broken,
were all walking 'round,
asunder,
blood drips off the things,
not already dead,
we've all got slivers splintering the ***** of our heart,
No judgement lies in the your fear, in the hypocrisy of your life.
You're so afraid to be seen,
you repress the memories,
to numb,
to destroy,
the humanity
  that could save you
    from the fall.

she speaks in rhymes and riddles
and i cant help but listen.

and i'm a mess of insecurity
wrapped up in a box of smoke and mirrors

and im putting you through the wringer
unsure of north or south

they say follow the constellations of your heart
yet we cant map out the stars,

And he presses up against me,
and I can feel my heart bouncing in my throat,
he's snakes his hands around me,
making it
difficult,

to breathe,

to think,

to process information,

to comprehend the words,
that flow,

I follow the dance of his,
tongue,
and I am sluggish,

I am inebriated,
in desire, left in the wake....  

....... wake
to the sound of my alarm,
and I curse,
the cruel,
ways my,
mind,
plays,
tricks,
on the me,
I am unguarded,
in sleep,

a wake,
I am strong,
and I can ignore,
the "lonelies",

he say's anxiety,
is misplaced trust,


but I'm trusting,
others have forsaken what was to be the goal,
but I'm still waiting,
I'm here.
waiting,

like a landmark,
against a tsunami,
I'm here waiting,

God had seven days to create all we,
know, can't wait to see what,
he has in store,
20 years and more,

I'm waiting for the hands that shaped me,
to place me.


and I'm still here,
I'm waiting.

You inhale my innocence like it was a drug,
you tear it off me,
just like the new shoes I scraped up to buy,

and you say "but baby,babe, I love you",
and you'd find all the touch points,
to give me a heart attack,

and I said " but mama, mama,
he said he loved me."

I'm sure he loves me.


And she'd start off with the little things,
sightings of him and a barbie in a dress,
and then she'd build up,
incantations of dancing with the devil,

But his hands held me.
His hands, they held me, unafraid,
of the walls I resurrected or the fear and confusion I could infuse.

left,right,left,right.

He undressed  me with his eyes,
and with his words he'd dress me up,
but the demons of the day,
play nice up in till dark.

1.2.3.4.4.3.2.1.

His hands, they held me.
They spun me circling around,
and pulled me back in.
Close.chest to chest.
They rubbed my back,
they lifted my head.

And you came to me broken,
like broken glass.
You were broken but gentle in remorse, and liquid guilt,
bruised and body beaten,
I covered you,
pulled together and tug the warmth off my body and laid it over you.
You shivered, trembling, I asked if you were still cold.

It's getting cold now,
I still wonder if your soul still wanders,
I wonder if your still freezing.

I've poured out the hot cocoa,
and I've locked all the doors.

You will not find comfort in me anymore.

and You make deals with the devil,
to bring up memories of me,

But I'm done, doing the damsel
and you are left with your disease.

Remember when
we were the only ones to sit in silence
and feel no need to feel it,
and remember when
you held my hand in remembrance of another,

And I cant black out the stars ,
you say shines so bright,
who I'm i but a little night light on a dreary day?

Can we just talk and listen?
Does it always have to be this one sided?

STOP.

just breathe,
breathe in the scent,
the emotion,
the cold,
take it all in,
and let it fill all the spaces,
and unreached cavity,
breathe out the dark of night,
to purchase the parts of a new day.

i sit here, with one desire that opens to all others.
                      Warmth.
i just want your arms to encircle me,

just hold me till i melt,
and i am loose,
hold me till the tremors stop,
hug me till all my fears fade away,

let me rest upon your chest
and breathing in. and out.
over. and over.
as i embrace your warmth,
may the shivers stop.

Can we halt for just a moment,
and just breathe,
here,
together,
in this warmth filled bubble of protective silence,

in, out,
our chests rise and fall,
in sync,

And would you just hold this hand,
till you can give it to another

And i can't sleep tonight,
i can't find the  words to make this right.

Won't you stay? please don't fight.

I am not asking for what the others want,
just lay here, beside me, share with me your sunlight,
i'll  borrow some of your warmth, and tell me of your day of monotony,
long enough that my breath hiccups, long enough for you to pause.
to remember back to when,

she said, "its cold here"
it's always so cold,
its your warmth that left me,
and i struggle on.

all i wanted was to sit near you and feel your warmth,
and i don't want your touch,
that's not what i have come here for,
but i want the burning sensation of your warmth,
washing overme,
as the intimacy of your warmth melts me to the core,

why is it we can't hug without expecting more,
and i don't want you,
i just want you here beside me,
leg to leg,
as we melt together,
our desire to just breathe,
in ,out, in, out,
and hug me long till slumber grabs me strong.

and I kept a box for your anger,
something to remember you by.

I placed it right next to the objects of your desires,
and the shelf of your lies.

we talked about love and leaving,
and how you were more of the leaving kind,

and its *****
because I'm the lover, left long, lone to die,
you whispered about forever,
knowing well the cowards lie.

and it's dark here,
and I have become so cold,
and i sense his presence before I make out his shape.

I know what he has come to do,
he strips me of my dreams,
slandering them with the impossibilities,
he shatters my confidence,
while reminding me of my overwhelming failures,

"You were born to the night and in the night you will live" he decrees,
and there are days where i believe him.

maybe it would be better if he hit me, at least then i could explain the scars.

his words they cut me,

and i am raw,
defenseless against his blade.

he puts me with his trinkets,
honors he has collected over the years,
and the award itself not the true intent,

just something to sit behind his back,
as he invites honored guests into the room,
"Be Hold" he says,

he plays the servant while maintaining he is the master,
he fools many with his charade.

i sit placid on his shelf head held high,
with sad eyes, and the scars our many
invisible to see under the layers i put on,

But my skin it is bruised,
but they do not see it,
and maybe they aren't looking
to concerned with the heads that roll.

**These words they matter,
don't they matter,
if only to relieve the unseen.

And i am angry,
i am scared,
i sleep in the despair of a prisoner,
in chains,
placed behind thick metal,

and i watch you lips move,
and i nod my head to acknowledge,
all the things you've said
to nod in response,

you continue on citing the injustice,
and you are so clearly justified,
but im hiding me now,

send your troops,
throw your deceiving hand grenades,
AT the way i live my life,
as I make plans to escape,
but i cant hold it,
my hurt my sorrow,
as you sling your words of poisonous hate,
you shake your head, you close your eyes,
im hesitating my hand it grip the door,

I know you. I know you well.
I know you in some ways more then i could ever know me.
I know the sting of your cancerous disease,
the bitterness that kills,
i know the stupor you drive yourself to,
I to forget,
if you only you weren't able to remember.

I run my hands over the scars,
remembering the pain,
scars you gave me,
yet never forgiven or forgotten,
I know the crevices of your heart,
ive seen the trenches of your despair,

I know the why's ,
I have felt the hows,

and when I leave I will take with me the something you never had,
you'll never have,
me.


I am running now.

This is the life of the living,
it's  the price i pay,
states, towns, rivers,
and canyons divide us,
but your breath is on my shoulder,
you blow hot air.

It was a sliding scale,
and its not,
we arent,
we love in fear,
or play out the jaded concept,
of what love is,
we avoid emotional intimacy,
like a ****** transmitted disease,
we bathe ourselves in,

and we are scared,
we chose the empties,
so desperately afraid of something whole.

we are the generation popping pills,
like the tic tacs of choice,
we numb ourselves to the point of loss,

BUT ITS OUR RIGHT! ITS OUR CHOICE.

and we lose consciousness while breathing in,
worrying about what we once were,
and what is now,
afraid of the dark, we try and bathe ourselves in flourecent light.

shackeled to the shame
of the emptuiness of our years,
pretend we dont hurt, push the feelings aside,
just to belong,
we love in fear,
to escape the consequence of decisions,
but we are forever deciding,
and indecision is a choice even though its still deciding,

lovers lost in a war,
fighting a battle of selective memory,
and we drink amnesia like it's the cure
(it isn't the cure)
and we give ourselves away,
without dictation of the currency,
in which we exchange,
and we'd be lying even if we handed out the quotes,
and please dont tell the truth to slander my life of lies
because it could ****** well **** me,
it becomes a ticking time bomb making changes i really cant commit too,

and we are broken
long left forgotten
war stricken
his body a canvas of destruction,
blood drips from your brow
your clothes show of months
you could only survive
your feet,
knows well the feel of the earth,
your shoes,
bartered for things used up in moments,
and i would take care of you my love.
clothe you in my warmth
and dress you in my finest
offerings
I will take you,
i will set you by the fire,
my words your liquor, that invades your thoughts,
leaving you wanting,
wanting me ,
like , I, too want you.
your body,
the map,
shaped by the horrors you have endured,
but every ragged breath i breathe you breathe too,
and i thank god for the next.
I do.

cover up dear,you've got to remember the uglies.
she said.
but i strip.
and there is the wind ,
i hear the waves,
what comes will be the rain,
and i want it too,
impale me, strike me,
unleash its fury,
i know its free

i see her still,
backwards hick,
*******.
you do not know me,
you never wanted to
but i bring the uglies to the water
i strip because i was born to be inhabited
you cover me with the lies of your lovers lost
but i will not be defined by your backwards mind
the inverted hope you that you try to rip into me with
i dive into the sea it always welcomes me,
its my lost lover, it caresses me ,
it weaves around the tattered corners of my heart and heals the rough parts
i accept the waves as the rock me and i listen to the tempo and i move with in its embrace

and you wrote on my wall
just you and me
and the stars that come out to dance
i pretend im sleeping and maybe just maybe i am
you the ****** and i the addict
its natural though like i've lived this life once before
and its familiar
this softness
the air cold
ragged intakes
like the feeling unaccustomed to be understood
and this isnt the life we chose
were just haunted by it
and who were are
is what we thought we'd amount to be
and i let it go
it belongs to the sea and i too the air but yet we fit perfectly
and just to hint and id be back for more
just another time id be glued to the door
not in nor out.

lead me not by the way side mama
lead me to the meadows with grass stretching high as gravity permits
lead me not to my heritage where i am reminded of antiquated desires now laid to dust
lead me to the attic of your existence where all the secrets lie
lead me not to the desert for i know the terrain well
lead me to the rolling hills, where my youth finds freedom
for one day all this will be gone and i to another memory
and we will reverse the order and i will lead you on.

And he turns to me in the voice of an elder and says " hierarchy of the dichotomy of good in evil is not to be thought of lightly , you don't know what you ask, its not that simple."*

You sir forget what you once knew, you love not who you loved back then,
you forgot that veils been broken and the truth is that simple.
im sorry you've forgotten the overwhelming feeling of love in your creators arms
but i have not forgotten and i pray i never will
i grapple with your inability to love,
did you not know your maker
were you taught so much of the *LAW you learned to be as everyone becomes
apart of the dust
another faker
life cant be computed in binary supposition however of this i know.

and here is the half ring
to honor our half engagement
here is the half birthday
that i half arrived at
here's half the money to give you a ride home
here's half the water bill
half this salad
half the bottle
half a fork
half a napkin to wipe off half your face
half the equation
half the notes on the passion
half the poetry cluttering the desk half the time spent looking
half the strings you need to play
and here's the cake to honor that half birthday
here's the half car
you half use to work half way

but what can i do with half a ring i cant put it on my finger, i cant have it to display
and whats the point of a half cake when my family is invited to dinner,
and a salad almost gone to be eaten with an only two prong fork
only one sided story doesn't make for much a tale and you could be poor and give more
ask willie, who roams 55th street, ask him about having nothing, but his name and he remembers it
some they forget, but he remembers what others forget and he's still living
and he hasn't quit.

"Just a Little"**
__________________
­and you sir, stir such memories ,
memories long forgotten
dormant once
but now alive and resurrected
and i cant help but remember you,
your memories pull me out of this grave i dug
and i dance smiling and you remembering,
our dance,
you smelled of exotic things,
and i was taken by your very essence
you reeked of forbidden sexuality
you bid me stay awhile as you spoke to me in your native tongue
and innocence my ever constant master
ask me again, now later, separated by time, by space, by oceans, and expirences
o and the temptation would be ever so high
come away with me you ask and i remember
and the memories are big,
but i play not the part i played then and you now are
forever gone
i wish to be your siren to the shore
i won't **** you i swear,
but you will come again and often wanting more
more time to spend with your once forgotten memory

November 18 - Tuesday

Wasted

I know it's true

you are in that place

between time and space

and it scares me to know

i can't reach you there

now that you've gone.

"she's gone gone gone"...

another moment,

stolen.

another moment,

taken.

and another chance thrown down

"Drink a little more, chug another down

till this pain you feel drowns"

(halting she whispers in the thin air )

and i just want something permanent something secure...

and each drop

is just another step

on a one way street , and i dead end alley

step.step.

drip.drip.

it becomes the same.

married in unison to the pain

you continue on getting so far away

arms outreached you walk with a vengeance against you

drip. drip.

unreachable things become just another unspeakable

i may never say this and you remember it

You are so focused on the WASTING

and i yell to you as you walk this one way street alone

(whispering she says) but i love you please please

make it home .



* *the empty bottle you climbed into isn't the place you belong though it's familiar it's wrong

Tuesday, February 2

we hold hands as we see the world below our feet
and are hands meet
and i don't think
i never think only till later
bruised and forever bleeding
my wounds are internal
you'd think they'd notice
or have i gotten better at pretend?
my body more of a tomb then
the supposed birthing womb
and its my duty to bring and share the life i cant feel
my duty and your expectation of archaic womanhood clash with my unrelenting desire to be free
from your tendency to pierce me with the conclusion i am of no use anymore
i always wondered why you had so many things, but really you don't
those are the dolls that clutter life you no longer give the time of day
but the stuff you collect sticks to you like a magnetic crane in a junkyard you dangle you prize possession
not caring if it falls
for the gifts are replaceable
you'll settle for warm sheets and a bed to be
and it doesn't matter who you hurt

abba hold my heart
Monday, February 8

heart to head its the perfect constellation you said
and we sail the waters questioning the wind
but we travel on , we fail to stop riding the tumultuous waves
and i grow weary of the fight, living in the center of the war
i bleed yet stand guard,
i am placid but it is a forgery

my eyes though they are my greatest foe
the betray the climate of my heart
weary my soul wanes,
and how long do my cries fall on deaf ears
and are they deaf or do they hear and absorb what i cannot say
and maybe your listening so intently
and maybe im speaking so loud
and screaming its hitting an octave higher
and im wailing heralding my mistreatment
but maybe your just whispering more then i can hear
i love you my child i have always loved you
i am here i am holding you
rest in me , dont you know your in my every thought that its you i put first


and my weeping is loud now , i cant hide the sound, the whimpering
and i am wounded, the tears crimson stain the floor, i face the corner ashamed of the emotion
hurt
pain
stretching
change
cold
shallow breaths and cold air
my throat constricts
like a boa thats caught the prey
and my throat is ******
i cannot speak
i whimper
sound escapes but not discern able
and in all this i think of another in all this i think of you
and i know i have it easy that their are others
that have so so much less
and i an American do not know true poverty
that i do not know true war
i do not know what its like to not have water... or to live days without a cardboard cut out of real food and i know it
but i still ache
and my tears they fall

grit like sand (take 2)
Sunday, August 22

they said of her...

    damaged.broken.breakable.unfixable.

    ****** to be all that she feared

stuck in the wasting

     they called her hope-less



she had hope before she grew

she carried it around at every turn of celebration

and in her heart she felt that cancer

knowing all to well the divison

a chamber for john and another for judas

judas walked behind her in shroud of darkness

knowing her all to well, keeping  parts of her  entrapped  in all her vices

yet he sang songs of sweet melodies

his counterpart's room painted in the naked truth

layed wake to the quiet and the loud noises of her soul

in this room she found deep sorrow that was married to great joy

it was a foundational healing cloaking her body like a protective shield

here her body laid in the litter of broken dreams and empty nights

this room used to be a temple but now the remnants of a broken down home

a thing she once knew

short and sweet


she woke with the determination of a thousand unrequited voices, and romeo and juilet just herald her love, a stepping stone to the cross she'd bear.

and she swims with celestial beings who whisper truths in her ears, they hold her hand as the earth makes another rotation

she dreams of babies

and tastes the sea

babe
Wednesday, March 2, 2011

and if im not careful ill let you in

and these words will bubble over and rush around you

and there's an excitement im trying to shove aside and keep it on lock

and its not easy... with  the slip of the tongue you'd know my heart

and you are blind to my insides

i cant let you in.


the power you have over me i cant let you in

do you see me dancing under your lightest of touch

and i come alive from the inside out but im frightened

it will just be as it was

just less time and more hurt and rejection to weigh me down

1 of 4
Wednesday, March 2, 2011 at 9:42pm ·

and i am one of the four
another warm face to embody the statistic
blue.black. & bruised
hidden underneath broken down walls once reconstructed
pain rimmed with undulating hate
married to cancerous fear
afraid of the shadows in the day and the dark of the night

and its me who is haunted by the choice of destruction made by another
and we would break it down to economics
something for nothing
property to be used then left behind
we lock the doors on rich emotion
we look as it were an anomaly
rather than the normalcy
while our sisters aunts mothers girlfriends
rage war with demons left in the wake
and their is shame that too
like in invisible chain hung round their delicate necks
and they are broken mending the pieces in the quiet of the night
or in deep dark locations of their heart
and some would say that too have only gotten what they have deserved
but i stand in the assembly line of broken hearts
and i too rage war against that cloak we put on like borrowed clothing 3 sizes too big
the cries of our suffering meet deaf ears..
how long will you chose the comfort of lies when i would spoon you the truth

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

there are days where i don't speak
to see how long id go unnoticed
there's a world inside of me
waiting to be set free
set ... set me free...
as days get crossed off your list
and im just check mark
on another four page to- do
anorexia of mind
i feel myself shrinking there
and i am forgotten
like borrowed clothes you once washed
and there are words
here dormant and still covered
in the dust of unuse
and i am falling flailing failing
to right myself
safety eludes me
i grasp at broken shards trying ransom something solid.

I break her down with my consistency

Small pieces break… it would heal better if it were just one big wound

I break her down…

And can’t you be stronger than me for once.

Your letting me down and all i have is this fight

And all i can do is push these walls that threaten my existence.

    Say no to me and mean it,

Stop giving into my will.

I cant let up I'm driven  with this need

This obsession has taken my possessions and traded them for fools gold

And I'm left broken and I'm fighting in all the wrong battles and in all the wrong wars

What is it I'm fighting for?

But atleast you know id fight for you till the last breath id be fighting

I remember when you said no

to me and meant it.

But now you never mean it

And i wish you would get over your fears because your what i need

    Cant you be what i need?

hungry


just a glance

a touch to my fingers

a conversation on the porch

a look across  a noisy room

a note left behind

a inquiring text about the day before

a "i've missed you" followed by

a hug without space that lasted days

an admission of need

  or the the things you fear

poetry written in the dark

evidence of love marks

im famished for you love dear

where did you go?

it begins again

and im trying so hard to swim and

i am doing what i know

trying so hard to be what they need of me

and i strap it all down the insecurities

processing them in stolen moments

few and far between and im running the circles in my cage

im i drowning or is this whats its supposed to be

stolen moments...



    " and i'd be lying if i ran away.."

    

    

and maybe thats what i need to do

to save the rest of me

and every day i am reminded of what im not

and i am trying but that matters not

by Ashley Marie Ohmer on Tuesday, May 22, 2012 at 8:08pm ·

And she says “I know of heart break

I have lived life in the home of broken dreams”

And you seek forgiveness from a grace forsaken

consumed with memories of ghost long tied as anchors on this hollowed out heart.

And you smash open opportunity,

like it’s another ****, another pill to swallow

just like another lover you left long ago

but still remember.

you keep the disease thinking it’s the cure

sending those that save packing

and you look for love at the end of a whiskey bottle promising yourself one day you’d end the pain

and you no longer distinguish the devil longing only for another tool to use

and you chase your highs like the ghosts at your door

and you’d knock on mine and id bring you in

how many times did I let you in?

and if you were here

you’d get to hear my heartbeat,

and id would remember were not the same.

and I remember  the heartbeats

while you… you struggle with your name.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

and he holds my hand

trusting ill understand

and i do.

"i miss my daddy" he says.

and i am honored to be the next best thing

and in his world i am

i look over his head to see the wasteland

that stretches  all  around us

but he cannot see it and for this i am so glad

we walk on, hand in hand

and i will not deny him that small comfort

of touch  not laced in anger or insult

just complete love.

he is so small though genetics say one day he'll tower over me

i look up its my duty but i dont forget our hands

    and i dont know him

    i dont know who he'll grow up to be

but he's worth my every worry

and all my sacrifice

and here the land is brittle , broken

with homes torn in two

and broken dreams lie left for dead in the street we walk

and i am his protector

though i will become everything he has need for

and i am aware of the ghost of yesterday who follows me

but it doesnt matter

nothing else matters but the strength of my love for him

o my baby boy.