Numbers spin like lottery ***** round and round inside
Always on a quest to see what secrets we can find
But this door won’t melt with torches or be broken by a drill
Because it taps into our mind and uses our free will

No bills wait in stacks behind its inner wall of steel  
Just honesty about our lives and the emotions we all feel
Times we always remember and some we wish to forget
Those jackpots or busts everyone is guaranteed to hit

No clanging sounds or flashing lights to signal victory
Just thoughts of where we are and where we wish to be
Sometimes things don’t go our way and we throw in a losing hand
But , it’s not where the journey starts, its where you finally land

And even if your location stays the same
Pieces around you will change like a much-loved board game
New memories and friends come while old ones leave
Each taking a thread in the new life you weave

Experiences fresh and familiar shape what you become
And it doesn’t really matter from where the good times come
Hit or stay, spin that wheel,  and let chance do the rest
Walk away with chips in hand and know you’ve done your best!

My thoughts are all jumbled and my head remains spinning
Another round is over with neither side winning
It always seems to come from the blind side without warning
And causes an uneasy silence until later the next morning.

Two people who years ago gave life to me
Watch as I regress to a toddler when we disagree
Never physically or intentionally, let me quickly point out
But my voice and pitch grows exponentially as I begin to shout.

They have been there in times of sadness and will continue without fail
No matter how choppy the water gets as I try to set my own sail
I was raised to be independent; to decide what’s right for me
But sometimes it’s hard to tell; is it the chair or me they see?

Independence is what they say like it’s the endpoint on a map
But sometimes I feel stuck, like a golfer’s ball in a sand trap
Decades of difference affect our worldview
They think I am too negative, and yes that might be true.

Oftentimes when these different ideas are spoken aloud
It feels like my perspective is lost and never truly found
Close friends and others understand how my feelings rise
But exclaiming them in every instance really isn’t wise.

In fairness to them, I haven’t made things a snap
My time under their roof really should be at a wrap
These are supposed to be empty nest years
Not for overreacting to everything that I hear.

And in most ways things are good; better than they have ever been
Aides come and assist me; the situation is win-win
We celebrate each other’s success, laugh and joke when we can
Each continuously vowing not to let the whirlpool start again.

A bright blue police box spins through the sky
Over 50 years have passed, so no one bothers to ask why.
A Doctor in name, but no medicine dispensed
His adventures defy all common sense.

A Companion is always along for the ride
When the TARDIS lifts off; it’s bigger inside.
Our open-mouthed guide every step of the way
Their first visit extends to a permanent stay

The last of the Timelords or so people say
From a long-distant planet they call Gallifrey
Endlessly loyal with a mind second to none
He has never resolved a dispute with a gun.

He never seems to look the same for more than a few years
A fact that has left some in fits of angry tears
But everyone he’s truly known has felt a deep bond
Just ask Rose, Martha, Donna, Clara, or Amy & Rory Pond

Questioning the world and its traditions, his mind often lingers
On the tasty goodness of custard and fish fingers.
His personality leaves cause for some alienation
But what else can one expect after regeneration?

Friends often follow quickly in his tracks
Like Danny Pink, Madame Vastra, Jenny, & Strax
Otherworldly villains into our imaginations creep
Psychotic snowmen, The Master, Daleks, Cybermen, and unrelenting Angels that Weep

Dinosaurs in London, the Titanic in space
Motorcycles driving up Big Ben fast enough to win a race
Green forests of Sherwood; painting with Van Gogh
He can take us anywhere we want to go

And if when the journey stops your lips begin to quiver
Just breathe deep and imagine the Song of a River
Don’t go off the handle or fly into a rage
Open up a favorite book and tear out the last page.

That way, the stories won’t ever end and we can let them be
Soon another generation will come along to see
How a man whose true name remains unspoken
Can face life’s harshest obstacles and still remain unbroken

A sharp jolt woke me at quarter to three
My mind’s eye widened at what it did see.
Chilled to the bone and sweating, I shook my wife awake
She sleepily croaked out, “Is the world ending?  ‘Cause that’s the only excuse I will take.”

Ignoring her plea, I quickly dressed and rushed out of bed
While trying like hell to purge shocking images from my head
Jumped on the ‘Net, but without distractions I was bitter
Dead silence from Facebook, not a peep on Twitter

Nothing to do but sit and obsess
I could sue; isn’t this emotional distress?
But who would pay the claim?  Me, myself, or I?
No quick fix coming that way; ******!  I began to cry

The tears kept rushing down my face
Faster and faster, at a breakneck pace
Suddenly from behind, a snide voice made me stop
Her obvious contempt dripped out; “Whaddaya want, a ******’ mop?”

My resulting glare would’ve made Satan run for cover
Why did I ever take this ***** as my lover?
Five years of marriage, and two dating before
Poe’s The Raven came to mind:  Nevermore!  Nevermore!

It felt like the Gods were fighting on high
I could barely see straight; it had all been a lie.
Our whole relationship quickly turned to dust.
Inwardly, I cursed myself for yielding to my lust.

Holiday dinners with our families; true times of love and laughter
I could remember none of that now; forget happily ever after
The beginnings of a smile began to form across my face
“Shut up you stupid cow; you really are a waste of space.”

Her mouth came open; it drew nothing but air
No words could she speak; just an angry, hateful stare
My declaration froze her; the look of shock made my day.
“Still ”, I thought, “should’ve saved that ‘til after one last lay”

My line fazed her but an instant; she was a tough old bird
Belatedly I remembered her joy in always getting the last word
She took a deep breath:  “You asked for this, so here we go,
Your **** is so small, you can’t **** a Cheerio!”

“Did you honestly think you made me *** left and right?
I wasn’t even thinking of you on our wedding night.
I accepted my wet dreams no matter where they came from
Hell, even that **** Captain on your favorite bottle of ***!”

Her words sent me into a manic fit of rage
I could barely see in front of me; it was like a blank page
My world narrowed to seconds, one instant at a time
I seriously contemplated getting away with a crime.

Tonight had spun out of control so fast, like a complicated fable
Should I punch a hole through some walls?  Flip the dining room table?
What would get my point across better than anything else could?
At this point, all I wanted was her to leave for good.

“You think you’re the only one unhappy and put upon?”
I quickly retorted, before her voice could drone on.
“Now seems as good a time as any to tell you this,
Before we met in college, I hooked up with your sis!”

My wife’s screech of anguish rattled everything through the house
But nothing she could say or do would make me feel like a louse
Wickedly I thought about the left behind lingerie
A years ago remnant from her sister’s “present” on my 21st birthday.

Why did I say anything, you may rightly ask
Wasn’t it obvious nothing good would come from the task?
Sometime during every life, you must put up a halting hand
And tell the absolute truth, no matter where the chips may land

Perhaps I could still salvage things; convince her it was just one night?
But that simply wasn’t true, and would lead to more unneeded fights.
A quick and clean break seemed the only honest way
And it needed to happen now, before the light of day.

She chased after me and I ran for my life
My head whipped around as she grabbed a kitchen knife
The door opened quickly, and I bolted toward my car
Destination didn’t matter, just get me somewhere far

My pants began to vibrate; what the **** was happening?
“****!” I repeatedly cursed, it was her sister’s private ring!
I couldn’t hear her message; that was the only saving grace
All the blood rushed to my ****; was she wearing that black lace?

Ducking to avoid thrown objects, I pulled my phone from the pants
Still hearing echoes of my wife’s obscenity-laden rants
Checking the missed call log, I called her sister back
All the while thinking of that mighty impressive rack.

The ignition started up and I floored it down the street
Settling on  her sister’s house where we would no doubt meet
But I had a head start and accounts full of money I could pay
Good thing that the trip is six hours away

My adrenaline quickly lessened; I could barely stay awake
Just how much excitement is one man supposed to take?
Sis picked up on the first ring “I have to see you now!”
“That’s great; same here honey, “I replied.  “Just don’t ask why or how.”

“ I have some terrific news,” sis went on excitedly.
“Something that will really change things up for you and me.’
At that moment, it was clear, no chance of doubt or maybe
I knew my vision had come true; we were going to have a baby!

What must it have been like thirty-four years ago
For my parents, still with three months to go?
Weddings and funerals days before they had attended
Now one life begins just after another ended.

Nine months the calendar says we must wait
But not for my arrival; just couldn’t risk being late
July was the due date, not any time before
But I arrived instead in April, month number four.

Thinking back on it now, I must quickly pause
And ask what kind of commotion did I cause?
The first cries from my mouth, the first glimpse at my head
What were they thinking about where life had led?

A priest baptized me quickly as a child of the Lord
I gradually improved, and then their spirits soared
Months later I would come to my first and only home
But unlike most children I did not begin to roam

Both said I used my energy to speak
It was almost like I knew my body was too weak
I would give anything to spare them the pain and shock
Of being told by doctors I would never truly walk.

I don’t know for a fact but I’m guessing my dad
Took this news to heart quickly and got really mad
After all, this man wanted to make others feel better
And now his own son was sick?  Here come the four letters

Or was their no sadness between them?  No anger? No pain?
Just a quiet resolve to let normalcy reign?
I suppose in some way they had no choice to make
Just do the best job they could and accept any mistakes.

This may seem strange, but I truly want to know
After being told this, where did they think my life would go?
How did this change their plans for me?
What did they think?  What could I be?

Don’t mistake this for pity; I’m not feeling sad
My childhood was awesome; the best I could have had
A brother and sister who helped, played, teased and fought
Would I change anything, you may ask?  Absolutely not!

Parents who encouraged me to learn, grow, and love life
Never hiding that all of us would one day face strife.
I was never promised anything would be simple or done with ease
But lately I just want to shout “Can I catch a break please?”

Don’t misunderstand, I’m not here to place blame
We all have parts to play in life’s little game.
But sometimes it feels like the wheels have gone off the track
And I’m looking for ways to get the balance back

People often say with a grimace or a frown
That life goes by too fast, and they wish time would slow down.
That is not my main complaint, but if I had to take a crack
It would be that I feel just about a decade out of whack.

Up through high school was pretty much an active blur
Football games, pools, proms, I never really felt unsure
My 16th year passed without trips to Driver’s Ed
But I never really cared because I knew what lay ahead

Graduating HS and then leaving town
Heading to college away from parents?  Nothing could bring me down
That summer and the next four years simply couldn’t be beat
At that point, it seemed like the world was at my feet.

My time at college would change me at my core
Hangovers?  Drug-addled roomies?  Never had those before
I wasn’t totally naïve; I knew all three existed
But voluntarily choosing them just seemed to make things twisted.

Yup, I was a goody-goody; though not quite like the Pope
But whenever things went off script it was hard enough to cope
Like telling a mom her son was kicked out after she asked me
Or when he said, “If the cops come don’t worry; I crashed into a tree.”

I didn’t mind these changes; though many thought I should
If they didn’t serve as a reality check, what else ever would?
Old friends left and new ones were made
Some memories are gone now, but so many have stayed

My first prom date in high school soon went away
Freshman year of college, right before Valentine’s Day
Soon after, a new girlfriend came along for a stint
At that point, I saw what craziness meant.

It wasn’t her fault; that’s not what I meant
We had good times; including a traveling version of RENT
But there was no real spark between us; just one of those things
Very quickly she learned how to pull my strings

Those two people??  Yup, they’re it
Keeps running through my mind
Yet I still believe there is someone
Out there for me to find.

I’ve been out with women since and felt more than a tingle
It’s just that none of them have ever been single
Married, engaged, friendzoned, or my decision
It feels like I’m out on an undercover mission

Online dating pops up in my head
Don’t have the guts to see where that would have lead
Please don’t read this and start to feel sad
It is not intended as a personal ad

I’m bringing it up because all too often
People with disabilities falling in love is all but forgotten
Every time the subject comes out of my mouth
People run for the hills or start heading south

Even friends and family who go back a long way
Often stay silent with nothing to say
Kept waiting for that much hyped talk about safety, women, and manhood
But no one  ever said a word, and I’m not sure they ever could.

I’m not an idiot of course, I know how it goes
Have fun, be respectful and safe, put bros before **’s
These days, I will stop and think   Do people even care?  
Or simply feel like it’s impossible because of the chair?

That’s the million dollar question with an answer unsaid
I don’t regret a single minute of where my life has led
My five nieces and nephews bring more joy than I’ve ever had
But eventually someday, I want to be a dad

Whenever that thought gets some space in my head
I always try and visualize five plus years ahead.
Many logistical questions abound
Could I chase him or her?  Change a diaper?  Pick them up and carry them around?

Be a good teacher of what they should know?
Compassion and hope no matter where time may go?
Give them all of the best things in life?
Without adding a burden to any future wife?

Don’t get ******; I’m not cursing the chair
Or saying that it has become too much for me to bear
It’s my legs, my freedom, and my travel; hope that doesn’t sound cheesy
But I also understand why it may make others uneasy

I don’t drive on my own, can’t dress or shower without an aide
So people don’t worry much about me getting laid
Totally understandable, no problem there
My issue comes when others think I don’t WANT these things or care.

I’ve heard “You drink??” in surprise and “Hey man, you must have pills”
Not screaming back takes all of my will.
“I won’t hurt you; will I?; “Do you smoke **** for the pain?”
Comments like these just drive me insane.

Not all of them are meant with spite
I can tell the difference and am usually right
But it must be out in the open and said without care
That people with disabilities should do whatever they can dare

It’s not always easy; that’s why I started this rhyme
Unexpected obstacles and problems can eat away at our time
But always keep people around who will let you dream
Celebrate your successes, and be there when you need to scream

They may not be the ones you thought or who you knew the longest
But you don’t need physical power to be among the strongest
Even if it takes more time than first thought
Never let anyone say that you should not have fought

Go to concerts, casinos, see the B’s, C’s, Pats, or Sox
Resist when anyone tries to put you in a box
Always give and expect 100 percent; never settle for half
And I guarantee no matter what, you will have the last laugh

To those who may know me,  thanks for being there
In ways big and small, you’ve all shown that you care.
It’s good to get this out with no apology
My next step isn’t clear yet, but no one will stop me!