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18 · Jun 29
the 90's
I first pondered my own existence when I was just a girl
growing up in the mid to late 1990s of New York City
We lived in a small alley apartment
where the walls knew all my mothers secrets
my father exposed the brick wall underneath the plaster, a cool look before its time
ahead of his time he always was, but he couldn't reveal it all
his tongue was tied
and those linoleum floors held echoes of his singing voice
the one he buried when life pulled him too far from himself
imposed upon to hide

This was when women began having a voice
when the Spice Girls screamed power to the world
I'd walk to the street corner deli and get Spice Girls gum and lollipops
I looked like a little version of Posh everybody would say
A neighbor Cindy loved Hanson more than anybody in America
those boys sung of some kind of lively electric hope
this was when Titanic broke my heart
before I even knew what love was

Clintons name was said often
Monica was a shadow they threw stones at
and we were told who to blame
before I even knew what shame meant
Blue nail polish on my sisters nails
my uncle dying of stage 4 cancer
he wanted to spend his last days blasting his favorite music
this was when when I began to sing
and soon
a Patty Loveless twang was born into my throat
and the Rolling Stones blended into my blood
"To have you Back Again," playing in the car on the way to the hospital
The Tattoo you album I used to trace my fingers along
and study
now I do the same thing to my own heart and soul

NYC summers were spent intensely looking at flowers grow out of concrete
those pictures mom took of me outside on those plastic chairs
the Twin Towers were still touching the sky
the smell of roasting caramel vanilla cashew nuts
my Muslim friends
when innocence knew no end

Dinner at five
Walks to the bakery where Grandmas friend Franka
wrapped semolina in a napkin like treasure
We’d give our leftovers to Russel
the WWII vet with war still in his eyes,
and Krissie, his precious dog who knew
how to save a man without words

I played with Barbies
because my sister left me
not slammed door left
but drifted
somewhere sadness took her first

And Mom was there
but more shadow than mother
Checked out.
Anorexic.
Shrinking before my eyes
more ghost than woman
I recall being afraid of her

I was safest with Dad
and I wandered into his tool room
he lined up his screwdrivers like dolls
and I held the heavy metal in my small hands
solid like his love
if only he could tighten the world back into place

My cousin like the flame of a candle gone too fast
taken by something too cruel for a child to understand
The grown ups spoke in coded grief
their eyes red
their silences louder than screams
and I felt it
Grief had an empty seat at our dinner table

now I'd give all my dreams
and give up my home if I ever had one
and all I ever did know
to have those days back again
its not behind me
its the love that reminds me
I have not changed Patty

id stand in the rain and drown in the river of time
to have those days back again
oh 90's let me back into your arms
17 · 16h
Summer Butterfly
She floats on air bet you she could walk on water if she tried
She's a
a summer butterfly in the amber sky
Black Sequins on her shoulders
She remembers the words of her Italian grandfather
"My pain is bad but I'd rather keep my ***** shoes."
Selling the dreams she can barely use

Evil queens hum like a warning bell
While someone down the street tries to sell, sell, sell
her grandmothers faux ruby ring on her finger as she burns sage
The kind of charm you buy when you can’t buy a younger age

She says, “Time’s a thief, but I still fly
With a winged heart, baby, and a
Texas storm in my eye

Oh, the fireflies light up her fight
Dancing like ghosts of what she once was in the heat of the night
Magic in the madness of this tragic tale, enchanting glitter in the grime
She's just trying to survive and call it divine
Aging like wilted red roses, badly bruised by love but alive
Still chasing the wind, still learning to fly
Summer butterfly

Jennas eyes in the mirror, tracing her every line
Says “We were golden once but we’re still fine”
But the ground is cracked and the skies don’t lie
The days get heavier as they go by

People smile with their pockets turned
Try to sell hope they never earned
But she
still shimmers like a half gone spell
in a world that forgets how to wish you well


She says, “Even stars fade, but I burn bright
With a winged heart, baby, and a rebel light”

Oh, the fireflies light up her fight
Dancing like ghosts of what she once was in the night
Magic in the madness of her tragic tale, enchanting glitter in the grime
She's  just trying to survive and call it divine
Aging like red wilted roses, bruised by Love but alive
Still chasing the wind, still learning to fly
Summer butterfly

Summer butterfly, don’t fade away
You were born for the fire and the break of day
With your winged heart wide, and your sister near
You’ll outshine the dusk, year after year


Summer butterfly… still learning to fly...
16 · Jul 4
Hourglass woman
I sit in the corner in a white dress
A wedding with no vows and no guests
Pink velvet dreams and green rhinestone tears
A tambourine plays for the singer I hold dear

A gold mirror hangs so divine
Shows a girl with a heart that's no longer mine

Oh, love leaves me dusty, deserted and torn
A lantern I carry for nights that have never been born
I bleed in the night silence with no table and no feast
Just candlelight and the dream of peace
My heart...it’s not glass, it learned how to sink...
An hourglass woman
alone on the brink

You, my ex with your boyish goodbye
You love me, I know, but you won’t even try
You're growing, you're going, you're leaving the flame
And I’m still the altar that whispers your name
My sacred heart burns, but no one can see
The God who still keeps me when death wanted me

Oh, love leaves me dusty, deserted and torn
A lantern I carry for nights that have never been born
I bleed in the silence with no table, no feast
Just candlelight and the dream of peace
My heart, it’s not glass, it learned how to sink
An hourglass woman, alone on the brink

No dinner, no dance, no toast to the bride
Just pink crushed velvet and tears that won’t hide
Uncle Kevin said, “God keeps you here”
And I wonder what for
another lost year

A woman whose life turned to stone
Living on borrowed time, dying alone
Still I sing with my tambourine, shaking with fragmented self grace
A prayer for the ones who vanish without a trace

Slammed doors **** up my nervous system
No one listens and I wouldn't miss em
People who don't care about their neighbors
Step over love like its something to run from

A dad who never looked me in the eyes
If his heart is good, he wears a good disguise
If love was a god, he or she walked right past
And left me with bones that’ll never relax

An hour glass woman
How much time do I have
Remember I'm stone, not glass
Gazing into the Witches Crystal Ball and
I see the ones I loved
Fading away..Dorothys had enough

A gold mirror hangs so divine
Shows a girl with a heart that's no longer mine
Oh, All I want to love
is time
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PqDHYvUoYM4&list=RDPqDHYvUoYM4&start_radio=1&rv=-ZqTASdjW4w
12 · 4d
Golden girl
Angel of may danced in the dark with a tiny diamond ring in her hand
moon on her shoulder, her feet in the sand
gold in her hair before the sun could even set
the air of 92 never whispered to any of us
that it would hauntingly end

Michele, Michele… I can feel you breathe
your name is the wound underneath the heart on my sleeve
Oh, golden girl
Oh, golden girl
i see you in your soft angel glow…
red rose blood drips down onto the
blossoms where you still grow
i’d give back all of my may stars
just so you would never have had to go

William Rainey aimed at the light and shattered the dawn
three lovers went quiet in the afternoon light, the music was gone
she reached for my hand in the ash of the sky
i wasn’t too late but I wasn’t nearby
time became a  ghost that wouldnt let me sleep
she sings for me in the mirror and cries with me in the deep
the ring that she gave me was stolen and it shoots through my heart colder than bone
because I carry her blood in the cracks of my own

Michele, Michele… I can feel you breathe.
your name is a wound underneath the heart on my sleeve
Oh golden girl in your soft angel glow
red rose blood drips onto the blossoms where you still grow
inside of me
I'd give back all my treasures
just so you would forever feel light as a feather
just so you would have another spring day

Oh golden girl,
you never really died
I took on your spirit, I really took on your life
it was heavy to hold, but I didn't mind
you will always be the angel I captured long ago
but I will never truly find you
therefore the search will never end
your candle light will always burn in my soul
the flame in my heart that time will never rend
I love you Golden girl

If I could go back
i’d find her there in that car
in the twilight of that moment
and pull her from the dark

Golden girl, you took the bullet for me
you’re etched deep into the bones of my soul
a may 12th wind
that ill never let go

carved into my damaged heart, written into my darkened light
your name shines inside the spring stars at night
forevermore, you ride with me
my golden girl, my eternity

Golden girl, your blood
my blood
our blood
9 · Jul 5
writing
Dark roast coffee got me spinning around and my hands can't stop shaking...
and for a second, my eyes meet the mirror ....who's that girl...or woman....
with the princess bride frown?
My ex moves like a riverside ghost, no message and no signs...im aching.
left me haunted in the morning
got me trapped in my own mind.....wish I could say all these lessons were free
but oh what a very costly fine....
Men seem to come and go like my grandmothers blue glass ash tray dreams that don't stick
to women like us ..... soft heart and mind quick
who's loving me when the sun starts to set?
cause, I’m still alone in a queens bed..

I want magic, not just smoke
want a touch that don’t feel like a joke
I’m a Gypsy moon spell...
I’m a once in a 500 year storm, I’m the post war heartache and the museum art
If I write it down maybe I won’t fall apart
Give me pleasureable love.... give me truth for breakfast
Chocolate lips...morning sunken sea eyes
I’m reckless
its all my fault
Cause I needed to eat, im a poetess
For me to write, I need to die

Scroll past my pain....no one even sees
A message left on read like I’m just September 11th debris
Don’t need your answers... might not even need your love
I need my singing voice
a chance to share it to the world, like a magician I want to release
my white magic dove
I need a pen
Oh the pain. Oh the suffering
Lord, its been enough

I don’t need forever, just something that stays
A pulse in my fathers silence, a spark in my mothers excruciating haze
I’m not too much.... but I'm also way too alive
If you're my knight
Don’t ever dim my shine
just to survive
I got a joan of arc inner fight

I want magic...not just mirrors and smoke
Want a kiss that don’t burn when I choke
I’m a fortune tellers spell, I’m a dying flame
I’m the bone and the break
If I sing it loud, maybe I won't shake
give me pleasurablelove
give me truth for breakfast, that's my true desire
Queen bed dreams, I’m messy, I’m restless
You want water signs
but I'm an Aries
fire

So I write like it's holy, I write because I must turn pain into rhythm
turn meaningless ******* into dust
I want magic ...and I am it
I want love ...and I’ll **** it
until its mine
Joan of arc
My time
is coming
5 · Jul 4
Michele's wish
dandelions on the side of the road
symbols of hope.. are the weeds where the wild things grow
dad used to call them wishnics...and he said my name like a Texas spell
I’d blow on the seeds but i never could tell
if the wish ever heard me
If the wind ever cared
But they popped up around us
like someone was there

new york weeds in the cracks, my gold dusted disguise
Like the ones we loved and lost, above the skies
Whistling my favorite songs in the breeze
I'm Rapunzel in a house no one sees
Black Widow spider web, blue green dragonfly wing
What kind of magic do the weeds bring?

the flowers are not born, they just appear
no one plants them, they're just here
Like me..just growing alone
carving my name into his heart of stone

Wishnics...
Wishing songs...
No one's wrong for dreaming too long
I walk past the house, the spell inside of me still hums
and I walk free...
I come undone
With poetry

Everyone wants the throne but not the fight
They want my magic but not my night
I’ve seen men beg with their teeth all red
I’ve brought myself
back from the dead.

Gone is the prince and me, now just a crown of weeds
My kingdom’s dead but it still bleeds
If love was a gun, then I surely kissed the chrome
Now I haunt this world like it’s my throne

hauntingly beautiful music in the back of my skull
Life is darkness, ludicrous....Pain full
The bullets ring in my heart and I flinch at every tone
I’m an hourglass soul, fragmented and alone

Michele’s blood whispers in that dark red bloom
a ****** charm cast in a hollow grief stricken room
weeds, shards, and ghostly refrains
I’m whistling through pain, unbroken chains
In a house of glass
my throne, my cell
Darkness is home, and I know it well

She was beauty, she was blood...she is my ice and flame
separated from the living by a killers name
Michele, my mirror, my curse, my pain
my flower that reveals in the May 12th rain

3 shots of silence, she became a beautiful chord
oscillating in my mind, never ignored
Her death becomes dads spell,  a half forgotten song
Weeds bleed gold where she belonged

Michele’s rose in the dust
Love feels more like lust
0 · Jul 4
I needed you
I came back but i was gone in your eyes
Like a house with all the lights off inside
I reached out through the summer shadows and the wildfire smoke
But love don't ignite just cause you hope

Last night, I felt the emptiness of the moon
No one around just the ghost of you
As alone as I’ve ever known how to be
Empty room, no air left to breathe

I don’t feel beautiful I don’t feel real
Like a melted ice sculpture someone forgot to feel
Chords in my chest, I'm not a willow tree and I cant bend
Strumming the sting of the bitter end

I needed you

I tried to be sultry enough, but enough ain’t love
You held me like a sweet memory, not like holy blood
Running cold now through every vein
I call your name but it’s just pain

I thought you'd see the seashells still in my hands
But you changed like the tides, and now my heart is sinking sand
You used to know the melody of my soul
Now it’s just unwillingness.
There's a stiffness about you
and I'm listening to all your songs
but this time around,
I hear broken notes

I don’t feel beautiful, I don’t feel seen
a quiet cematary of love that might have been (and we dwell there)
Guitar chords cutting right through my skin
Each one a scar where you had been

I needed you

What’s left behind is heavy and true
The aftermath of my sickness, still holds you
I’m picking up pieces of who I was
But they don’t fit like they did, because…

I don’t feel beautiful, not anymore
Like a cold icy heart that’s melted on the floor
But somewhere in this broken tune
Is proof we loved so hard,
even with our wounds

I needed you
0 · Jul 1
Elliot
distance didnt extinguish the fire Ive had to carry
the miles between us took the wheel inside my soul
driving me into the ocean of our fragmented love, burning me slow
more broken than you'll ever know
than you'll ever know

a master guitarist, every strum precise
knowing my body’s secrets, the exact notes to entice
your fingers dancing like music pressing just right
bringing me to heights like stars in the night
the way we made love, it was more than skin
It was fire, it was my our prayer, it was everything

I know it cuts, the thought of me with someone new
but I was drowning what else could I do?
I needed touch, I needed breath
I was dancing with ghosts, flirting with death
It wasn't love, not like you
their hearts were empty, their eyes untrue
I felt like a rag doll passed around
searching for the pleasure I lost when you left town

and in case you pondered
to know you too, looked for comfort in others
makes me feel empty and haunted like an angry ghost
its excruciating for me too,  a wound that even time cant close
guess we lit ourselves like candles in the wind
b urned fast... burned wrong...lost in shameful sin
but no one ever held the flame like you
no one ever loved me like you used to do
you were the ease, the song in the wind

Something in California and New York lied
they said I'd be okay without you by my side
but the nights turned cold and time stood still
I still reached for you and I always will

I never found your touch again
it faded like smoke in the pouring rain
the best of my life, that’s who you were
now I’m scared of losing the way you
declared your love to me first (although..I felt it all along and you know it)
but I was stuck in a love less marriage and you hate me for saying so
but what was a woman to do, when she was hollow
you were a flame in a world gone dark
resurrected my body and soul, then it tore apart
I don’t know where we go from here…
but just know, I was shattered dear

Do you still feel me in your bones?
when you're lying awake and you're all alone
did we burn too bright, too fast, too soon?
am I just a ghost now beneath your west coast moon

I never found your touch again
It faded like smoke in the pouring rain
the best of my life, that’s who you were
now I’m scared of losing the way you declared love first (but I felt it all along)
you were a flame in a world gone wrong, gone dark
resurrected my soul and made me strong
then it tore apart
i don’t know where we go from here…
but just know, I was shattered, dear

from California fire to New York snow
I carried your love everywhere I'd go
and though we're lost, just so you know
you are bound to me
and still l wish for you
0 · Jun 30
Beauty Queen
The beauty queen... she has to pay
For every love that turns away...

Go ahead, feel
the tangibility of her broken heart
Touch her crown but know it’s steel
She’s soft she’s fire she's real
But she’s not here just to be healed

Go ahead, feel
the receptivity of her broken heart
But don’t pretend you know the deal
Her love is deep her scars are real
She builds her army on what they steal

The candle burns...the sun still blinds
She’s danced alone a thousand times

The beauty queen...she has to pay
For every love that turns away

They couldn’t touch her they could only dream
She lives somewhere between star and scream
Not cruel just unseen
That’s how you survive as a mystical queen
Beauty Queens pay a price
0 · Jun 29
sanctuary
I’ve been naked in the eyes of the beholders of the world...
Did they see beauty?
Weakness? Strength? Or just another pretty girl?

I don't think ive ever truly worn a veil....I've been unfurled
They watch me bleed and call it a Sunday.....swear I can hear them build
shelter with my bitter...and to them it tastes sweet
and I swear I seen them lick their fingers clean
of me

But I’ve got no sanctuary
no hiding place
and it kills the singer
it kills the singer
it kills the singer

Water surrounds me...and it ain't just narrow
its so ******* wide....
No boat of my own just the changing tide
of my miserable life

I am seen but not held
I am touched but not known
I'm a mermaid at heart... so I never really need a boat
I can take the water baby
I can swim, I can float
so don't feel too sorry for me

They write stories on my skin with their eyes
Turn my pain into lullabies
I cry for shelter.... the wind replies
Never....never...
Your home is...
nestled inside
a North star less sky
look up...at least its something

I hold on to hope that the storm will give me back my wings
or the moon  will pull me into good things
I want to be held close, I want to be grounded like earth and stone
til then I drift
no boat of my own
but don't feel sorry for me
im a mermaid in my heart
the cold is all I need....
if I truly made love to you and felt the warm...
i'd stab a ******* knife in your heart
and depart
and I wouldn't even mean it at all
please sing that to your soul
this brunette girl has only ever known
the Fall

I am seen but not saved
Always open.....never safe
but who knows
A sanctuary could be just one wish away...

Til then I'll strum my guitar
I hope freedom ain't too far
0 · Jun 29
beauty
Withstood torched battles and freezing cold seas
Watched the good ones die...the bad ones steal the light from me
And I fell to my knees
I told the truth when they could only lie
Let things rot and crumble down
But if I fall
I’ll burn down this ******* town

I close my eyes and I see it, resplendent
Riding on a black beauty in slow motion, my neck empty of my pendant
I don’t ******* need an amulet, the power comes from pain
In a ripped up white dress running into the house of flames
And I don’t give a ****
The fire in my heart at war with fear
And it wins. (It’s gonna win.)
I’m wild and untamed
Riding hard... fighting for those who couldn’t fight
My only sin

I am like the winter deer
Quick.
Shoot me, honey
I’ll be reborn
Exhale beauty out of the sick

Black beauty
Horned heart
An army of men
But a woman.

I'm like the summer moth,
Drawn to the glow no matter the cost.
I dance in circles close to the flame
I know the risk.... I go just the same.
I like the light, I take the dare
And if I burn?
I don’t care
Maybe I was made to fly for awhile... not to stay
Even on my dying day....i'll let the cat out of the bag
and blaze my way

Feel the burn
of the hollow woman
I'll crush thorned roses in my hands
And I wont really mind the blood
as long as I was the keeper of beauty and truth
for awhile

I have a garden
It's my secret family
The flowers there...they all love each other
and I don't have to fight
0 · Jun 29
Emerald
I can taste the hollow as I wake
The air hangs heavy, my heart lives in a cage
An old house creaks with our agony and disdain
our souls took a beating from too much rain

His shadow haunts in dreamy dark light
Lost in dementias quiet  but detrimental fight

The songs are inside me but I'm hanging by a fragile thread
I now sing lullabies for the living and the dead
Heartbreak echoes through every room
In a house decaying toward its tomb

Paulie, my medicine man, never think you don't help
You were the one shooting star I could wish upon
the soul that wouldn't sell
the healing drum circle
inside of me
the Emerald
Thank you
Beautiful Medicine Man

— The End —