I don't think you realize
I don't think you care
I might've died
all because of you

You tore me up
and watched me bleed
you wanted it on your terms
and you couldn't care less
if you saw the way I cried

You have no sympathy
for the way you hurt me
"It's fine," you told me
ignoring the scars of your touch

I wish I could forget
and let go of all of it
but the memory haunts me
like a ghost that can't let go

You wanted control
and you have it now
at the cost
of all of me

When things get too much
it's about time
you put down the shovel

There's little time to crunch
and much better things you could do
then digging your own grave

When things start to break
put down the hammer
and step away

There's little time for an ache
that won't stop hurting
so learn to walk away

I wish forgetting
was as simple as letting
go, stepping back
and giving up

The memories could flow
calm and slow
a gentle trickle from
my mind to somewhere else

But it's not that way
even if I wish they wouldn't stay
there's so much I'd give up
if it meant I could forget

There's not much left here
since I let go of my fear
or was it hope that I dropped
way back there in the night?

I wish I could just forget
all the ways I would let
you come and take from me
all that was once mine

But there is no forgetting here
what I once held dear
you asked for forever, I promised to try
and now I only have memories

I wish I could forget
the way you would get
when I said no and you told me
it was love when you took too much

There once was a promise
of a paradise that I could reach
as long as I could be "worthy"
keep my body and mind clean
and walk in a straight line

But my steps always wander
and I never could stay clean
while wandering through a maze
and the things to be "worthy"
are something I'll never be

They told me to promise
and I couldn't do it
I refused to let myself
be sold away to a lie
and this pain doesn't end

Heaven is too far
a promise of peace
somewhere I can't reach
away in the stars
or maybe in another place

And Hell is too close
tangible in the ground I walk
and the air I breathe
smoke fills the sky
and scars grace my skin

There's no promise here
that hasn't already been broken
I wish I could tell you
what we used to do
but I can't remember it anymore

How do you forget
what it means to feel
so you could hurt me
so deeply I'll never
fully heal?

Even now I don't think
I understand how
you could be so
detached from what you
stood for

You'd forgotten all
that you once promised
twisted and turned the memories
and my words until you
could blame it all on me

Every sin, every crime
placed on my head
even though it was never
my duty to bear
this is not my punishment to reap

And yet the weight
of your touch and
the pain you caused
weighs so heavy on me
I very well might drown

I think there might be
something out there that might
balance the scales so the world
can find something resembling
the peace we were promised

But so much of what I was told
would happen never did
and now I don't know
what to believe
when it comes to a promise

How do I know it's
true and won't just be
forgotten again?
How do I know
you won't hurt me?

Your face haunts me
though you never even died
your shadow still clings
like a desperate ghost
that refuses to move on

There's a peace somewhere
far from here waiting
for the both of us
in separate places
but you won't let go

You cling desperately
to the rotting corpse
of what once was
a love that you considered
to be real

The light touch of one
who used to care
might have fostered it
and made it to flourish
as beautiful as any flower

Nothing at all
would have let it
fade away peacefully
unnamed and unknown
but less painful

But what you did
***** the remains of
what was something pure
and left its body to the flies
and the rot that awaits

That is something I
don't know how to forgive
maybe my sin is
simply that I can't
remind myself to forgive

You broke a promise
but not a simple one
you promised me something deep
and you laughed
because you knew it was a lie

You strung my love along
like it was a puppet
in your hands
a toy to enjoy
and entertain

But never something
real enough to treasure
I held no value to you
nothing more than
the wind in the morning

Like the scent of
a candle in a closed room
a warm bread too far
to properly reach it was
sweetness with no substance

None of it was real to you
none of it mattered
but like any other
magician you made me
believe for even just a moment

Maybe it was real
maybe it was all a lie
but there's no forgetting
the scars you left
on what was once me

Sometimes I wish
I could fit in
sit up right
and follow the
strait and narrow

But when she loves me
I feel like I'm somewhere safe
the whole world could
all fall away
and I wouldn't care
if I were in her arms

With her I'm happy
and even the worst days
I can push through
because I have her
by my side
to pull me up
when I fall down

And I'll do the same for her
whether the sun is shining
or the nightingale sings
I'll be there to wipe her tears
and hold her through it all
whispered promises of
a better tomorrow

We've both lost
we've both been hurt
we've both broken
but when she kisses me
I think I might've found
a god who loves me

Tracing her scars
while she sleeps next to me
and I know that we're safe
it's not perfect
and I don't think it ever will be
but we'll push through

Because I want to
spend every night
and wake each day
to the same soft smile
of my favorite

We care, they say
but they'll punish you for feeling

We care, they say
but they'd rather you shut up

We care, they say
but we'll dismiss your complaints

We care, they say
but we'll degrade your every mistake

We care, they say
but don't cry or we'll force you to leave

We care, they say
but stay in your seat and stay quiet

We care, they say
but if you ever mess up we'll never forget it

We care, they say
until red ink stains your paper

We care, they say
but they don't notice it if you bleed in the bathroom

We care, they say
but they'll ignore the scars and the bruises

We care, they say
but our hands our tied by the system

We care, they say
but you can tell their eyes are cold

We care, they say
but they won't let go if you tell them it hurts

We care, they say
but we'll create systems that drown you in debt

We care, they say
but if you're hurt it's always your fault

We care, they say
but we'll add so many rules you can't breathe

We care, they say
but they'll charge you for feeling anything

We care, they say
but they ignore it until you start popping pills

We care, they say
but if you step out of line there's no fixing you

We care, they say
but they'll drown you in debt for needing help

We care, they say
even as they tear down what you need to live

We care, they say
but they stand idle as the world burns around them

We care, they say
but they'll black out the ****** history

We care, they say
but they'd let you starve while they feast

We care, they say
but if you drown it's not their fault

We care, they say
but not until it's their blood on the pavement

We care, they say
but the system is at fault and never them

We care, they say
but they tied their own hands when they agreed

"They lied"
you told me
that you never would do that

"They're spreading rumors"
you said even as you
pulled me along

"I won't hurt you"
you lied as you laid your hands on me
you robbed me of everything

My body, my voice, my own mind
you broke all of it and left me with nothing
and I stand in the wreckage, trying to understand

"You're lying"
you told me
and I felt sick

You used me
just like you used them
tossed me away when I saw the real you

You were horrible
a liar
and an abuser

But you've lied your way through
and now everyone will believe you
but most won't believe me

You made yourself sympathetic
all alone and quick to cry
while you drew in those who vulnerable

Naive, oblivious, too trusting
you took them all in
and broke them down

Like a spider in your web
you kept spinning and spinning
until I couldn't tell truth from lies

But I know now
I know I'm not crazy
I know I hate you

I know I'm not wrong
for knowing you lied
I know you hurt me

My body doesn't lie
with shaking hands or sick stomach
if I so much as think about you

You made me kiss you
you asked for more
and I thought I loved you

But I know now
that it was all a lie
and you're just the spider

The spider in your web
telling everyone we lied
but we know the truth

I won't let you hurt them
even if that means
you hurt me again

"They're my friends"
you said
but I heard how they talk about you

You take advantage of them
and make it so they can't speak out
because you're just "too perfect"

You made yourself the sympathetic one
and now no one will listen
but I won't let you hurt them

I'll talk to them
I'll get in your way
because I won't let you do to them what you did to me

You're mentally ill
but you don't want help
you lie to your therapist

You lied to me
you lied to my friends
you lied to the office

And I can't stop you from talking
but I will stop you
from ever hurting them again

You lied to me
said you loved me
while pulling the rug
out from under me

You covered my eyes
and said to trust you
even as you drove the knife
further into my back

Moved on so quick
while I still feel sick
thinking of what you did
to me and to them

You have all of them
wrapped around you finger
like a spider you sit
eyes glinting from your web

But I have them with me
those you hurt and betrayed
and we're happier without you
sharing laughter and tea and treats

We insult you where you can't hear
and comfort each other when we cry
I have panic attacks
but I have friends that'll hold me through them

You act like you're righteous
pushing me away
when I cut you off first
but you couldn't be happy

It always had to be on your terms
did you forget
that you spent so much time
begging me to take you back?

One time from you was all it took
for them to all turn on me
so I held my friends tighter
and clamped my mouth shut

They may not believe me
but my friends do
my family does
and my therapists too

You took so much from me
and crossed lines you ignored
said "Oh no, it's fine"
but nothing ever was

You lied to me
you lied to them
lied to everyone
and we all know

You might have them wrapped around you
a few fake tears
and a sprig of nepotism
but I know the truth

And you might have lied
but I'm still standing
made it through the hell
you put me through

And here I stand
a smile on my face
because you'll never get to know
the truth anymore

There are times
when I think I might
drown in the sorrow
of my own heart

For everything seems
to keep us apart
time and money
and old memories

For the price of everything
I'll never know her
the feel of her lips
or the taste of her live

I long for so much
to hold her in my arms
until the night falls
and the nightingale sings

To kiss her
over and over
each time she'll let me
until we're both grey and old

I want to be near her
to feel the warmth of
her touch and the brush
of her lips against mine

I want the safety
that comes in knowing
one as beautiful as her
could love me

The sight of her
makes my heart race
even if she isn't perfect
I love her

They all seem
so oblivious
to how happy
she makes me

I want to be
even just close to her
to memorize the shape
of her face

To map her freckles
would be a heaven sent gift
that I would cherish
for the years to come

Even if it were only
for a moment
I long to show her
how much she means to me

But it's all for naught
because she's not like me
and she's not close
and I'm too far

I suppose I could
simply wait
or move on
but my heart hurts

And I think she
might be able to fix it
but she'd never
see me the same way

Shut up!

Please

Because you can't
tell me that you know
when you never listen

Stop it!

And listen
you've never once
heard me speak
but you pretend
like you know all of me

Look and see

There's a truth under
the surface that you
refuse to see
you hear but you
can't listen

A small word
was too much
for your fragile words

"Shut the **** up"
I'd shouted because
it was all too much
and you
you called it
air pollution
and told me
to do better

Do better?

Do better than what?
Then the grades, perfect and bright
then the house, swept until it shines
the walls scrubbed of dirt
the grass cut and raked
the garden starting to grow
and the dogs brushed and nails trimmed

Better than
the styled hair and makeup
the clothes hung out on the line
the shoes polished clean
the room with everything cleaned
the problems all locked away
the scars hidden where you can't see

My voice
kept quiet
all day long
except for a simple
thirty minutes
where I can
speak

And you call it
air pollution

What about the air pollution?
Factories and cars
and landfills filled
with the rich's waste
all the things you have
that I can't afford
because I can barely scrape by

One single word
was enough for you to dismiss
everything

Even though I have
poured blood, sweat, and tears
into being the best
I can be

And one word
was enough to dismiss all that
to forget that
you never heard
my voice until then

Our first meeting
and I already know
I despise you

Because you see
only the surface
and ignore
the life that breathes
underneath

So you
shut up
and listen
because there is
more than just
your voice
in this place
and you are not
the only one
who matters