Walking through the
cloudy haze that is life
with the wind on my back,
on me around me,
whispering sweet dreams
of the beauty that is creation.

And it felt like being baptized
by the earth,
the soft breeze caressing me,
opening my eyes to see-
the beauty that is creation.

I couldn't unsee it when
my eyes opened.
The mountains opened up
showing off they're eternal
beauty and strength

The tree leaves looking
beautiful as they fall.
The green grass inviting
me to walk bare foot.

When you start to see
the beauty that is creation,
even your reflection feels
like stargazing.
You start to see the beautiful
creation you are
because you're part earth
part stars part mountains
and part moon
you are the creation.

I once said I love myself
in a desperate plea,
to love myself,
a desperate plea to feel
something.
I heard once that
you can't love others if you
don't love yourself,
And I couldn't relate to
that because I did-
I do-though my love then
and now
looks different,
feels different.

Love for me then was
a desperate plea
for acceptance,
of wanting to feel
connected,
through escapism.
It's ironic how I
desperately
wanted acceptance for
things
I myself rejected,
tossed aside
considered unimportant

I guess love changed for
me
when the oceans wave's
were crying out-
rooted in deep pain
and fear, it escaped.
The eyes ran from
connections.
love then was all about
self-blame,
anger, and questions-
so many questions.

Love was scared to feel
to speak.
love wanted to be alone,
tired of pouring
from an empty cup.

How does love feel now?
Love now feels revived,
alive.
Love is floating in the
ocean,
serene, a calm ocean
breeze.
Love understands that
love start from within
and overflows to others
love is learning to
understand me,
learning to feel,
to speak, sing, to dance.
Love now looks at love then
and shares what was
deprived.  
Love looks over at love then
and hugs her,
reminds her
she too deserves love

I don't want love
I wouldn't know what to do
with it
if it landed at my feet
I'd probably flee,
like a cat that caught fire,
too scared to stay.

Love terrified me-
the emotions it drags out,
the parts of myself it
exposes.
I think love's a scam
a beautiful lie,
no different from
unicorns.
An unnecessary burden,
a fleet thing.
Life goes on
with or without it.

Then you appeared,
Walking into my life
like a clown performing
tricks.
Everything about you
grated my nerves-
Your relentless kindness,
your open gaze
those sincere,
too- expressive eyes.
I hated how they disarmed
me,
how they spoke truths
I didn't want to hear.

You showed up
like an unwanted knight in
shining armor,
determined to help me,
despite my resistance.
And somehow,
you made me smile-
a smile that softened walls
I thought were
unbreakable.

You gave me your heart,
offered your soul,
left pieces of yourself
etched into my life.
All without asking for
anything in return-
you just wanted to love me.

Your generosity knows no
bounds.
You shared yourself
completely,
Without hesitation.
You melted my heart,
one I thought was stone,
until I was puddle at
your feet.
And yet,
you caught me.

You cradled my heart
with gentleness I didn't
think existed,
polishing the crack
I'd ignored for years
You treated my love
as if it were rare treasure,
a gift you'd cherish
forever.

You taught me the
mysteries of love-
how two souls can
intertwine
move as one,
and create something
more beautiful than either
alone.

Now I understand.
Your eyes annoyed me
because they revealed the
truth:
Love isn't a scam,
Or useless thing.
It's the light that fills the void
the bond that holds
the fragile pieces of life
together.

Your love feels  
otherworldly-
like the moon and the sun
finally meeting,
their light igniting
a world I never knew
could exist.

Your love felt like the
waves of the ocean,
Rolling in and out you served
me crumbs of your heart,
A heart that didn't  seem
to care
Nor feel what I felt for you.

You served me sweet
nothings,
Empty promises I swallowed
like bitter wine
Hoping that one day they'd
taste like truth.
I stayed in hopes, you'd see
me,
Feel a fraction of what I
grieved.
I gave you my all
While you gave me nothing.

You refused to see me,
Spat on my feelings,
Trampled my heart
beneath your feet.
You laughed as you
broke me in two,
Stabbing my back with lies
so sweet.

I betrayed me each
time I stayed,
pierced my soul for a love
delayed.
Excuse my naivety,
my hopeful cries,
Believing you'd change
through all your lies.

The jokes on me-
Even I didn't choose
myself  
I chose the posion wrapped
in chocolate,
Gladly drank it,
Simple because it came
from your hands.
Slowly, I stopped looking in
the mirror-
Couldn't face stranger
staring back
I kept dancing,
Awaltz of pain on
floor of shards.

I didn't recognize who I'd
become,
A stranger, shaped by your
disdain.
How  you seem to hurt me
so glady-
No, I hurt me.
By choosing to stay
I handed you the blade.
Its my fault, I whisper.
'you couldn't love me
How could you?  
Even I didn't  love me'
look at me.

I was shell of my forma self
Each time  I chose your lies,
I turned my back on me.
I treated myself like you
treated me like the waves on stormy
night,

But then, I chose me,
I step into the  light.
Yes, it felt like I left my
heart with you,
Perhaps I'll walk this earth
without one,
Until I know what real  
Love feels like
A love that fills me up,
A love that keeps its word.
That's the love I gave to myself.
And now, I'm never looking
back,
Even if you beg on your knees,
I refuse to be  a shell of
myself.

I feel her sometimes -
the echo of who I used to be.
Withdrawing into herself,
numbing her world down,
Refusing to feel,
to see,
to speak,
She felt unheard,
No I felt unheard.
She felt Unwanted
She felt unneeded.

I speak of her as if
she were someone else,
But she's me.
I am her or rather, who I became.

I used to judge her harshly,
Ashame to think
I was once her.

Now, I look at her and see her strength.
She molded herself, built walls to protect the little girl,
She fought to keep a part of me alive
To keep us afloat, to survive.

Those walls so high, so unyielding-
Shielded the parts of me.
They hid who we truly are.
She was strong. She is strong

And now when I looks at
her,
I feel pride.

I want her to feel safe.
Because as high as those
Steel walls rise,
Our inner child cries for freedom-
To be born again,
To let her imagination run wild,
To dance in the light of life

She wants out.
She screams to be seen
To be heard
To be loved.

So, we learn to coexist
We give each othe space -
To feel, to fight , to create.
Because we are one
We are whole.
And each part of us plays
It's role.

I'm learning now:
My words are not dead.
They are waiting-
Waiting to be born.

I remember a time when
dancing felt like a pipe
dream,
because I couldn't move my
body.
The movements were stiff,
and I'd stand there
waiting for the song to
end.

I'd reminisce about a time,
When I danced barefoot in
the rain,
laughed out laud and
Without a care in the
world.

But the judgmental looks
and
loud voices of disapproval  
spoke louder
than the music.
My body went still,
locked in place, as if
cemented to the floor.

I couldn't move my legs,
or any part of my body if I
tried.

The voices drowned out the
song,
until all I could hear were
their echoes,
and the melody was lost in
the noise.
Like a stormy sea on a
moonless night,
no stars in sight
or perhaps I  couldn't see them,
too busy keeping my head
down
surviving the waves.
I laughed, banged my
head against the wall,
trying to to escape the
crashing tide.

I lost my rhythm
the song that was playing,
the ability  to feel my body-
my feet and arms felt like
they belonged to someone
else.
I didn't know where my feet
were leading me because
I couldn't feel
them.

But the moon can't stay
hidden forever.
The rise of the moon
brought clarity-
my sight and hearing
sharpened,
and I could faintly  hear
the lost song once more.

When I let go,
the moon and the waves
carried me to my temple.
The numbness in my legs
slowly eased
until I could tap to the
beat.

All I wanted to do is dance in my
temple,
but I couldn't yet,
because I'm still learning
to hear the song,
still learning to listen for
it.

But now,  I can sway to the
rythm in my temple.
The music is growing  louder
the more I let myself move.
My stiff body won't stay
stiff forever-
I'm learning to dance to
the beautiful song
that is my life.

I've crossed the bridge
of wanting to be an
inspiration,
Seeking fame in places
that aren't for me.
no- I've burnt the bridges
behind me,
Left feeling lost and
confused
when looking ahead.

But now I know what I
want,
what's meant to be mine,
and how it will come to me.
So no, I don't want fame

I want to express my most
authentic self,
to let my light shine
as brightly as it was meant
to,
and to spread warmth like
the sun.

I will remember that even
in
the darkest nights,
the stars shine brighter,
The moon offers guidance,
it's glow soft and sure.

The calm ocean breeze will
remind me to breath,
While the stormy ocean
night
will teach me to let go
and let the waves carry me-
for fighting is futile.

So you see, no matter
where I am I will always have light to
guiding me:
the sun spreading my
warmth outward,
or the moon,
offering quite
guidance  and healing
when I  seek comfort in the
darkness

I just need to remember
to keep my head high
And to look around me
to appreciate the beauty  
that is apart of me.

Broken wings can't take
flight,
even if you wish to soar the
skies,
They'll falter, crash and
bring you to your
demise.

Just as a pen without ink
cannot craft a single word
You'll press and press
tearing paper until it
bleeds,
it's emptiness exposed.


Wings must heal before
they lift you.
Pens must be filled before
they write.
Only then can the words
within
flow like rivers aching to be
free,
like the steady rythm of
your heart.

So give your wings the time
they need.
Fill yourself with ink - let it
pool deep,
ready to pour onto life's
blank pages.
Then you will soar the skies,
birthing words that give
you breath,
that lead to the
healing
you have always sought.

For a while I chose you
Because loving you
meant running away from me-
it meant focusing on
anything that wasn't me.
For a while like the restless  waves of a stormy night
I chose to runway from
the silence,
from the stillness  of being
stuck with myself

I didn't want love,
I didn't love you
I was obsessed with the
idea of love-
the imagery of sharing
piecse of myself,
of giving myself to
someone.
But even then I couldn't
do it.
You see, I'm a coward when
it comes to emotions
that aren't mine to hold,
emotions that place
someone on a pedestal,
or worse, emotions that
have the potential to make
me lose,
To make me hurt for them.

I love love yes-
the idea of it, the thought
of it.
It sends goosebumps down
my spine
makes me safe and
protected,
like a haven that is kind
and generous,
a love that give to me whole heartedly.
But I won't-
I will not give myself away
I know what it's like to lose
yourself,
to fade into someone else's
shadow.
I refuse to be that girl
again.

So, no, I will not fall in
love.
I want to to walk in love,
to choose it deliberately
I refuse to freefall into
something
I don't know how to
hold

I think at times, things are never
as they seem,
Shadows shape-shift  
before our eyes,
Clinging to the false
promise of "what could've been"
Blinding us to the truth
that lies in plain sight.

We bang our heads against the
walls of reality,
Desperate rewrite what
cannot be changed,
Clutching at illusions-things
intangible, unreal,
Lost in the ache of dreams
that will never be.

"What ifs," "could've beens," "should have beens,"
hold no weight,
They freeze us in place, or
pull us backwards
Chained to the endless
cycle of trying to grasp
What was never ours to
hold, never ours to mend.

So choose to move forward,
to claim your tomorrow,
Focus on the threads you
can weave today,
On the seeds you can nature
the paths you can pave.
Let go of the past-it cannot serve you now,
But the present awaits,
ready to be shaped by your
hands

I think love takes different forms.
Sometimes,it takes the shape of kindness,
of gentleness, of sharing and spreading
itself so thin
until there's nothing left to
give.
Love will give it's self away,
forgetting that "I love me too"
is also a form of love
a love that I need for myself.

And then, love will take a different form.
Love will shape-shift and hide
it will run,
it will build walls
to protect  a part of me.
Love will guard itself,
it will grow strong, tough,
and sometimes, love will
isolate.

But love is not just giving
or guarding.
Love learns to balance.
It becomes a dance between holding
and letting go, between reaching out and retreating within.

Love becomes whole
when it nutures others
without losing itself,
when it protects the heart
without hardening it.

Love is both the open hand
and the steady wall,
the quite strength and the
gentle touch.
It flows, it shifts, it finds
it's center,
reminding me that to love fully
is to love in all it's forms
including the love I give to me.

It is said that once a glass
is broken,
there's no way to repair it
without getting hurt.
For a time  I was that
glass.

Shatted and abandoned,
I searched for the pieces.
I can tell you this:
she bled on that floor,
fixing us- no,
I bled on that floor,
fixing us.

But even when the pieces
were in place,
I couldn't function the
same.

I bled, and bled and bled.
And she rose for us-
built Rome from stretch
with her bleeding hands.
While we sat there, frozen,
She built walls of steel
and refused to let anyone in.

When I woke, I discovered
our inner light.
She screamed in pain,
her scars unhealed.
Not everything heals with
time.

I sat there, bandaging her wounds-
neglected- while she stood guard,
still building Rome.
The walls are high;
the walls are thick.

But the walls are there
because she fought
for our light.
for survival.

And now wounds are
healing.
Our inner child cries for
freedom.
She wants the light.
She wants to be seen,
to be heard.
She wants a pen.

So now we're learning to
coexist.
We're learning that each
part,
each piece,
has its role.

We are one
I am finally whole.

Dear Sweet Oblivion

I love you-
you offer comfort,
a fleeting kind of happiness.
Because if I don't know
better,
I don't have to do better.

And knowing better it's heavy
It means work, constant self-evaluation,
constant introspection.
It means facing parts of me
that call for healing,
the wounds that demand attention.

Dear sweet oblivion,
I love you,
but I cannot stay
I know better now  
and growth is calling my
name

Even when I resist,
some part of me leans
forward,
hungry to know more
to want more
to be more.

You are my solace,
my momentary peace.
But I was made for the climb.