Walking through the
cloudy haze that is life
with the wind on my back,
on me around me,
whispering sweet dreams
of the beauty that is creation.

And it felt like being baptized
by the earth,
the soft breeze caressing me,
opening my eyes to see-
the beauty that is creation.

I couldn't unsee it when
my eyes opened.
The mountains opened up
showing off they're eternal
beauty and strength

The tree leaves looking
beautiful as they fall.
The green grass inviting
me to walk bare foot.

When you start to see
the beauty that is creation,
even your reflection feels
like stargazing.
You start to see the beautiful
creation you are
because you're part earth
part stars part mountains
and part moon
you are the creation.

I once said I love myself
in a desperate plea,
to love myself,
a desperate plea to feel
something.
I heard once that
you can't love others if you
don't love yourself,
And I couldn't relate to
that because I did-
I do-though my love then
and now
looks different,
feels different.

Love for me then was
a desperate plea
for acceptance,
of wanting to feel
connected,
through escapism.
It's ironic how I
desperately
wanted acceptance for
things
I myself rejected,
tossed aside
considered unimportant

I guess love changed for
me
when the oceans wave's
were crying out-
rooted in deep pain
and fear, it escaped.
The eyes ran from
connections.
love then was all about
self-blame,
anger, and questions-
so many questions.

Love was scared to feel
to speak.
love wanted to be alone,
tired of pouring
from an empty cup.

How does love feel now?
Love now feels revived,
alive.
Love is floating in the
ocean,
serene, a calm ocean
breeze.
Love understands that
love start from within
and overflows to others
love is learning to
understand me,
learning to feel,
to speak, sing, to dance.
Love now looks at love then
and shares what was
deprived.  
Love looks over at love then
and hugs her,
reminds her
she too deserves love

I don't want love
I wouldn't know what to do
with it
if it landed at my feet
I'd probably flee,
like a cat that caught fire,
too scared to stay.

Love terrified me-
the emotions it drags out,
the parts of myself it
exposes.
I think love's a scam
a beautiful lie,
no different from
unicorns.
An unnecessary burden,
a fleet thing.
Life goes on
with or without it.

Then you appeared,
Walking into my life
like a clown performing
tricks.
Everything about you
grated my nerves-
Your relentless kindness,
your open gaze
those sincere,
too- expressive eyes.
I hated how they disarmed
me,
how they spoke truths
I didn't want to hear.

You showed up
like an unwanted knight in
shining armor,
determined to help me,
despite my resistance.
And somehow,
you made me smile-
a smile that softened walls
I thought were
unbreakable.

You gave me your heart,
offered your soul,
left pieces of yourself
etched into my life.
All without asking for
anything in return-
you just wanted to love me.

Your generosity knows no
bounds.
You shared yourself
completely,
Without hesitation.
You melted my heart,
one I thought was stone,
until I was puddle at
your feet.
And yet,
you caught me.

You cradled my heart
with gentleness I didn't
think existed,
polishing the crack
I'd ignored for years
You treated my love
as if it were rare treasure,
a gift you'd cherish
forever.

You taught me the
mysteries of love-
how two souls can
intertwine
move as one,
and create something
more beautiful than either
alone.

Now I understand.
Your eyes annoyed me
because they revealed the
truth:
Love isn't a scam,
Or useless thing.
It's the light that fills the void
the bond that holds
the fragile pieces of life
together.

Your love feels  
otherworldly-
like the moon and the sun
finally meeting,
their light igniting
a world I never knew
could exist.

Your love felt like the
waves of the ocean,
Rolling in and out you served
me crumbs of your heart,
A heart that didn't  seem
to care
Nor feel what I felt for you.

You served me sweet
nothings,
Empty promises I swallowed
like bitter wine
Hoping that one day they'd
taste like truth.
I stayed in hopes, you'd see
me,
Feel a fraction of what I
grieved.
I gave you my all
While you gave me nothing.

You refused to see me,
Spat on my feelings,
Trampled my heart
beneath your feet.
You laughed as you
broke me in two,
Stabbing my back with lies
so sweet.

I betrayed me each
time I stayed,
pierced my soul for a love
delayed.
Excuse my naivety,
my hopeful cries,
Believing you'd change
through all your lies.

The jokes on me-
Even I didn't choose
myself  
I chose the posion wrapped
in chocolate,
Gladly drank it,
Simple because it came
from your hands.
Slowly, I stopped looking in
the mirror-
Couldn't face stranger
staring back
I kept dancing,
Awaltz of pain on
floor of shards.

I didn't recognize who I'd
become,
A stranger, shaped by your
disdain.
How  you seem to hurt me
so glady-
No, I hurt me.
By choosing to stay
I handed you the blade.
Its my fault, I whisper.
'you couldn't love me
How could you?  
Even I didn't  love me'
look at me.

I was shell of my forma self
Each time  I chose your lies,
I turned my back on me.
I treated myself like you
treated me like the waves on stormy
night,

But then, I chose me,
I step into the  light.
Yes, it felt like I left my
heart with you,
Perhaps I'll walk this earth
without one,
Until I know what real  
Love feels like
A love that fills me up,
A love that keeps its word.
That's the love I gave to myself.
And now, I'm never looking
back,
Even if you beg on your knees,
I refuse to be  a shell of
myself.

I feel her sometimes -
the echo of who I used to be.
Withdrawing into herself,
numbing her world down,
Refusing to feel,
to see,
to speak,
She felt unheard,
No I felt unheard.
She felt Unwanted
She felt unneeded.

I speak of her as if
she were someone else,
But she's me.
I am her or rather, who I became.

I used to judge her harshly,
Ashame to think
I was once her.

Now, I look at her and see her strength.
She molded herself, built walls to protect the little girl,
She fought to keep a part of me alive
To keep us afloat, to survive.

Those walls so high, so unyielding-
Shielded the parts of me.
They hid who we truly are.
She was strong. She is strong

And now when I looks at
her,
I feel pride.

I want her to feel safe.
Because as high as those
Steel walls rise,
Our inner child cries for freedom-
To be born again,
To let her imagination run wild,
To dance in the light of life

She wants out.
She screams to be seen
To be heard
To be loved.

So, we learn to coexist
We give each othe space -
To feel, to fight , to create.
Because we are one
We are whole.
And each part of us plays
It's role.

I'm learning now:
My words are not dead.
They are waiting-
Waiting to be born.

I remember a time when
dancing felt like a pipe
dream,
because I couldn't move my
body.
The movements were stiff,
and I'd stand there
waiting for the song to
end.

I'd reminisce about a time,
When I danced barefoot in
the rain,
laughed out laud and
Without a care in the
world.

But the judgmental looks
and
loud voices of disapproval  
spoke louder
than the music.
My body went still,
locked in place, as if
cemented to the floor.

I couldn't move my legs,
or any part of my body if I
tried.

The voices drowned out the
song,
until all I could hear were
their echoes,
and the melody was lost in
the noise.
Like a stormy sea on a
moonless night,
no stars in sight
or perhaps I  couldn't see them,
too busy keeping my head
down
surviving the waves.
I laughed, banged my
head against the wall,
trying to to escape the
crashing tide.

I lost my rhythm
the song that was playing,
the ability  to feel my body-
my feet and arms felt like
they belonged to someone
else.
I didn't know where my feet
were leading me because
I couldn't feel
them.

But the moon can't stay
hidden forever.
The rise of the moon
brought clarity-
my sight and hearing
sharpened,
and I could faintly  hear
the lost song once more.

When I let go,
the moon and the waves
carried me to my temple.
The numbness in my legs
slowly eased
until I could tap to the
beat.

All I wanted to do is dance in my
temple,
but I couldn't yet,
because I'm still learning
to hear the song,
still learning to listen for
it.

But now,  I can sway to the
rythm in my temple.
The music is growing  louder
the more I let myself move.
My stiff body won't stay
stiff forever-
I'm learning to dance to
the beautiful song
that is my life.

I've crossed the bridge
of wanting to be an
inspiration,
Seeking fame in places
that aren't for me.
no- I've burnt the bridges
behind me,
Left feeling lost and
confused
when looking ahead.

But now I know what I
want,
what's meant to be mine,
and how it will come to me.
So no, I don't want fame

I want to express my most
authentic self,
to let my light shine
as brightly as it was meant
to,
and to spread warmth like
the sun.

I will remember that even
in
the darkest nights,
the stars shine brighter,
The moon offers guidance,
it's glow soft and sure.

The calm ocean breeze will
remind me to breath,
While the stormy ocean
night
will teach me to let go
and let the waves carry me-
for fighting is futile.

So you see, no matter
where I am I will always have light to
guiding me:
the sun spreading my
warmth outward,
or the moon,
offering quite
guidance  and healing
when I  seek comfort in the
darkness

I just need to remember
to keep my head high
And to look around me
to appreciate the beauty  
that is apart of me.