Not being able to love was my biggest pain,
And it was even more painful as that person I desired
Was the beginning and the end of my world.
What is that feeling when there are no more tears to cry,
Or no more loud voice left in you to scream your heart out?
I break down once in a while,
Like I was once the favorite thing of a person,
Locked away to be safe.
I don’t work normally anymore.
Just where do I want my life to end up in?
All I try is to figure out an answer
For the question that does not exist.
Being born a human and yet still searching
For that long-lost courage to put up a fight against...
I don’t need to have answers
For questions that are so apparent.
I yelled at myself,
“I really think there is a limit to you and your nonsense.
Only if you could leave me,
And only if you would have realized what impact it had on me
Before doing whatever you did.
You aren’t that pathetic,
But you made yourself so pathetic.
You created a lifestyle so pitiable
That even you could not love yourself.
No matter what,
You just don’t have the right to blame someone else
And strongly believe you were responsible
For all the ******* all this time.”
Does she know what she is doing?
How do I **** her?
Is it alright for me to feel like this?
I really want to sleep well
Without thinking about a **** thing for a moment.
But really, the earth would collapse
Just if I let go of my past.
Oh, such a dark world is mine.
I cannot see the future,
And I don’t have control over my past,
Which never lets go of me.
And my present is a horror
That I just want to go over as quickly as possible.
Oh, she asked,
“What life do you live?”
A war against myself, my wishes, and my past
That never lets go of me.
I am honestly sick of talking about it.
It hurts,
But it hurts even more as I wonder where it went wrong.
Where did it go wrong?
A question that tortures every atom of my existence
And for which I never found the answer,
And live in fear I never will.
Oh, I love poetically.
I hurt poetically.
Want to be normal, want to have feelings.
But when those feelings are ripped off from you,
You being human was itself just ripped off from you.
What a life to have felt such intense emotions,
Of exploiting yourself before others exploited you.
I had a good family that progressively became messed up.
But do I not have the right to be upset? Really, do I?
Oh, don’t compare your pain to others’—
Pain is pain, is it really?
Validation and acceptance—why do I need it?
I worry if I don’t talk aloud,
My head might just explode.
And if it did explode,
You would see nothing but a lot of regrets
And a tint of happiness I scrapped from the grounds of my home.
My home—what is it, even? My home,
When I don’t belong anywhere.
Just pray there is no more than that.
Oh, give yourself positive affirmations!
What affirmations?
There has not been a day
When I have not looked at the mirror
And hoped for a better me,
Even imagined that the girl in the mirror
Is living a better life than me,
Just because she made good choices.
I might just be a lunatic who has not figured it out yet.
I run away, my legs failing to move.
I scream so loud, but all I hear is silence.
I cried even when all the tears had dried up.
I tried even when my thoughts went quiet.
I tried to love you like I once did.
I have not hated myself more than ever
When I could not love you.
It was a feeling reaching my visions and desires,
But never could I reach it out with my own hands.
Felt a bit unfair—how I could not feel human after all.
“Oh, shut up. Only if you gave up on yourself,”
I yelled at the reflection.
The room went silent.
The walls stared at each other,
And her bed had given up on her.
After all, it was her and her words,
Fighting for a change
And wondering,
Will there ever be a dawn?