I want to cut.
I want to bleed.
I want to punish something for my pain.

But I will never hurt anybody.
I hate hurting anyone.

So I feel the need to punish myself—
But I won’t.

Because then they’ll win.

And I don’t want to hurt you.

I hate you.
I hate what you did.
I hate that I trusted you.
I hate you because you took that trust and broke it.

I hate you because you took my childhood away far too soon.
I hate you because you stole my innocence without a second thought.

I hate that we share DNA.
I hate you because we share the same scars—on our skin and in our souls.
I hate you because we both sit in dark holes that were dug before we were born.

I hate you because we have the same problems, the same broken mind we inherited from Dad—
But you were weaker.
I would rather burn alive, with my own hair as kindling,
Than do what you did.

I hate you because now that you're older,
You look just like Dad—same face, same smile.
I hate the fact you can still smile, knowing what you did to me.

I hate you because I still mourn what we could’ve been.
I hate you because you made me what I am now.

I hate you
Because you used to be my older brother—
But now you’re just a man.
And I used to love you.

I want to get better.
I want THIS to go away.
I want to let it go.
But what if THIS is me?
Am I prepared to let go of the only me I’ve ever known?

What if it is me, and I am it?
What if it’s all I am and all I’ll ever be?
What if I’m nothing if I get “better”

Is it ever going to be over?
This feeling of never-ending constriction,
That I’m never going to leave this numbness,
So full of feelings I’d much rather ignore.

Will I ever escape the hole inside my mind?
A hole in a universe spinning around the same thoughts,
******* in pain into the nothingness that is me.

I’m suffocating. But I’m the one holding the pillow over my face.

i hate when i look in the mirror
i hate when i open my mouth
i hate when i think and i cant seem to stop
i hate when i act like myself
i hate when i disappoint you again and again
i hate that i feel so incurable and i hate that its hurting you to

Once upon a day quite boring.
As I wondered, Weak and hungry.
I studied the fridge full and waxing, bursting with the pure love of man.
While i looked, nearly clapping,
Spotting the ribs upon their racking.
Glazed and glistening, gently stacking—heaven’s feast at my command.
Ribs so tender, richly stacking—heaven’s feast at my command.