my whole life has been losing and gaining one.

You.

I've been feeling like an upbeat sad song
people are caught up on my tempo, dancing to the rhythm
only noticing the beats, not hearing the lyrics
maybe it's my fault
hiding my pain behind the beats
as I know, people only notice the surface
they could dive deep down the sea if only they only listened
the lyrics expose everything
the darkness to the lighter side of my song
though darkness frightens, it's not always frightening
people are the most vulnerable at night when they're all alone
shedding down the layers of skin, exposed like a pregnable snake in the wild
staring back at the estranged reflection of their true self in the mirror, unrecognizable
I love that version of them, uncovered, without all the lies and pretending, untouched
the version they think of as "unlovable"
crying themselves to sleep just to wake up and make up their faces once more
putting up that well-layered mask, their walls, and defenses
acting like Oscar-winning actors, putting that upbeat sad song on again
repeating the cycle until one day it's too late, and the mask is just their skin.

and with every strand, I locked into my braids
I locked your name into my hair
i kept remembering our imaginary love affair
I woke up to reality and a reality without you, I struggle to bare

and with every passing moment that i don't belong to you, I'm only thinking of leaving
reality is I'm only happy while I'm lying in your arms when I'm dreaming
your hands running through every strand of my hair
I braided them so I could lock you in and keep out my despair

and with every ache and break and pain, my lips lack the touch of yours
so I locked your touch into my hair
to remember you when I need to, I want to tell you how much I love you, but I'm scared
we're friends, and I want us to be more than that, so I just dream of us, and I use my braids as a snare
to lock every bit of you into my hair

with every ache and break and pain, my lips lack the touch of yours
every passing moment without you that my heart endures
I untie a strand of hair cause with each one I untie, my aching heart your memory cures
I wish I had longer hair so I could have more braids
cause with each strand I untie to cure my aching heart, your memory fades.

in a world of blue and purple, I bled for the shade of red
in a world of blue and purple, I made everything black
what I touch dies, and my love always lacks
amber was the fire of your heart, and gray was my vision
hurt was what I inflicted in it, I learned from the bests so I had precision
your fire burned out when my lies kicked in
my vision cleared only when your eyes died within
pale was the color of my skin but warmer with your kiss
rose were my lips but cold my half truths, I brought shame into this
drinks in the glasses, but everything else was spilled
flowers bloomed, and flowers were killed
spring was the dawn, but I made leaves fall down

spring was the dawn, but fall was the season
I was the reason I was the reason
frost was the color, and what came after the storm
cold was the outside, but your hands used to make it warm

mauve was the world before I even drowned in my crimson blood sea
teal was my heart just like the skies before I made your sun sink

in a world of blue and purple, you made everything heal
in a world of blue and purple, you bled for my sake
your touch nourished, while all I did caused heartache
you made it four seasons while I was stuck in one
fall was the season, but spring was the dawn
lilac was the sunset before indigo bled into the day
night was moonless, and stars kept fading away
scarlet was the fire I set in your heart
ashes, what was left, and smokes clouded a new start
tears flowed in, and salt streams burned all the roots
died all the emerald lands, we had to call truce
spring was the dawn, rain pouring down

spring was the dawn, but fall the season
I was the reason I was the reason
drought was what came after the sapphire seas dried
cracked were my lips, after your ruby flames died

violet was the world before I even drained myself of my carmine blood
teal was my heart just like the seas that used to flood.

blue in purple is the sadness of hurt
the bruises on our soul we can not avert
red in purple is the beauty of hearts
the love it takes to tear it apart
purple resided in us all
the walls we built swallowed us whole
loneliness became an old friend to embrace
the love we were given to spread was erased

the blank canvas of your heart was rainbow
blinded by your wounds, black is all you know
you were rainbow and I was blue
bled into every shade of you
seven colors, I ruined them all
you were perfectly fine behind your high walls
I had to go and climb to the top
reach for you, and now I can't stop

I just wanted to hold your hands and sink in your kiss
but your heart keeps me out when you reminisce
deeper into the grave we go as the day passes by
the past only stops bothering you when you're ready to say goodbye
"Your rock-bottom is when you decide to stop digging."
a life without your heartbeat is barely living
you keep showing me a life without you by my side
tell me you hate me, don't keep saying your hands are tied

sailors don't complain when seas are raging with storms
you got to love roses with their thorns
I'd tell you I love you if I knew you'd say it back
but I know that my world would turn back to black
so I'll keep being every shade of blue in your sky
every circle that the world makes, I'll be passing by
just open your eyes to see all the hues
live happily, I'll be your blue's

when I look at you, I know I'll never be yours
we're happy not together, so I have no remorse
a piece of my heart will always beat for your smile
everything hurts, but you make it worthwhile
loving me has always been hard, you're not to blame
there's no need to dwell in past, look at future's frame
fates failed me yet again, our stars didn't align
but to see you beam, that's my eternal sunshine.