My skin,
Wrinkle free,
My body,
Full of life,
Come in from playing outside in the hot summer air,
And I'm welcomed by my brother.
His big brown eyes follow me as I head to wash my hands, “Hey you wanna play a game?”
My younger self smiles in excitement as no older brother wants to play with his sister.
I finish washing up to see him sitting in my pink princess tent awaiting my arrival,
His fingers and lips left me feeling colder than ice.
And a feeling entered my body that has never found its way out.
As time goes on I accept this feeling as permanent,
The grubby touch of his hands slid their way from head to toe.
I'm ten now,
I'm happy again,
building a fort with my cousin as he asks me a question.
“Can I see it”
“See what,” I said,
Now I know what he meant were parts of me that were so sacred now and the letters N-O never meant less in his life.
What he wanted was now his.
Years pass and I'm fourteen and I think I have found a guy who respects me and treats me how he should,
His charm was nothing but a disguise.
I invited him over and we shared a drink.
I felt so cool hanging out with a high school boy,
If I had known how he'd leave me it would have never happened.
The roughness on my thigh,
The pounding in my heart,
and this time I think,
I'll fight,
I'll fight to the death as if I'm a gladiator,
As if it were a zombie apocalypse and I was the only one left,
I will protect myself this time.
He explored parts of me,
And I freeze.
freeze,
like a deer in headlights staring at seemingly nothing,
Thinking,
I was going to fight,
I was going to keep what's mine.
My head is screaming and swirling as I wait for this sea of betrayal to wash over.
He climbs back out my creaky window and even though he’s gone I can still feel the feeling of his calloused palms,
Leaving a neverending blood trail on my body
Invisible scars woven into skin,
where his hands once lingered
-O