I don’t want to cry again.
I probably will while I write this.
it’s not easy.
life
no one said it would be
I just never thought it would be this hard
they say everyone goes through something hard
but does everyone go through something hard everyday
never wanting to leave your room
dreading seeing your family
because you know what will happen
your brother will get yelled at for doing something wrong
you want to help but you don’t know how to
the same thing happened to you for 7 years
every night
something new you ******* up
so you learned
how to listen
and not respond
because all you wanted was for the yelling to stop
and eventually it did
but you never forgot the tears
the same tears now running down your brothers face
but don’t worry
when they’re done with him they’ll move to you
telling you how you’re fat and need to stop eating
so much that you no longer like the thing you see in the mirror
telling you that you need to smile more
that you need to stop being angry
you aren’t
but they don’t know that
and you aren’t going to tell them
they’ll just yell more
when you do leave your room
you make a run for the door
leaving the house for days at a time
just to try and escape your life
the only happiness you have is being with friends
but at some point that doesn’t make you happy anymore
because your problems will always be in the back of your mind
you parents fighting
day in and day out
they take your anger out on you
but you don’t say anything
you never do
not anymore
so you cry
and then one day he leaves
your dad just walks out and leaves you
try’s to get you to come with him
as if he didn’t just ruin your life
you say no
but that’s not an option
you’re forced to put your life together in a suit case
always moving
when you argue you get sent away
to a therapist
to fix you
but they can’t change how you feel
so you lie
tell them you are happy
and eventually they let you go
but you stop seeing your dad
ignoring his texts
but your mom isn’t any better
still pestering you about every little detail
constantly thinking your angry
telling you to watch your weight
forcing you to hear her problems
people tell you to take it easy on her
she just got divorced
did it not happen to me too?
I can’t give her sympathy when she doesn’t give it to me

When I look at the world,
from 38,000 feet,
in between the patches of clouds,
I think about us
And our little life
And how the pieces must have aligned perfectly
The moment we met

There’s something beautiful about sleeping with someone
But really sleeping with someone
Fingers intertwined and hands clasped together
Body heat exchanging on your bare skin
Laying still in angst of waking the other
Feeling their gentle breath on your neck
In a room so silent,
You can hear your heart beat slowing down to match the rhythm of theirs
There’s something to note about sleeping aside another person.
For there’s nothing quite as romantic

I have been to 27 concerts,
and nothing compares to the feeling of listening to music in your car
I have watched the sunset on a beach,
And no color has caught my attention as much as the green in your eyes
I have traveled to 15 countries,
and nothing makes me more nervous than the 10 steps from my front door to where you stand waiting

When I was a kid,
I used to be jealous of people with dimples

Now I have dimples
And they’re beautiful
They’re just not mine

I'm not sending a text because I'm drunk
I'm drunk because I want an excuse to send a text

My shampoo bottle sits upside down
My conditioner too
My favorite muffins are cooling on the counter
I posted the recipe online
I asked my mom to make my favorite dinner last night
told her it was,
“Just because”

I’m sorry

our bones crack
muscles ache
under the weight of who we want to be
how is it that we've lost so much time
pretending to be someone we're not

if i could count how long I would wait for you,
I would measure it in cups of coffee
the ones that keep me awake after a night of dreaming of you
I would measure it in the stars I stare at,
hoping the same ones are visible wherever you are
I would measure it in the letters
that are written without a forwarding address
I would measure it in breaths
the ones that pain me to have,
as I keep living without you

every friday night I have to delete your username from my recent searches

My mother taught me about love languages at a young age
She said that’s what makes or breaks a relationship
She said that’s why her and my father aren’t together anymore

I know a boy
He was one of those kids who you can tell wasn’t loved as much as he should have been
Those types of people have a pull on me
Maybe it’s just a silent connection between children of divorce

Usually you can tell how people want to be loved
They like to give you hugs when they see you
Or they bring you a gift after every vacation
But this boy wasn’t like that
He put my brain to work
Trying to understand him
He told me his love language was acts of service

Eventually I found myself trying to let him know he’s loved
Silently of course
Taking stickers off his laptop when he said he wanted more space
Offering to pick up coffee when he was studying
Sending him summaries of the readings we got for homework

The things I’d do to make him feel loved are insurmountable
I’d do anything to pick up the pieces I didn’t break
I wish there were an easier way to say that

What I really needed was a hug.
From someone who didn’t know what I was going through.
From someone who wanted to give me a hug just to do it.

I think in some ways I’ve never been meant to feel things the way other people do
It’s always been a burden
Made my life harder
I hurt too many people
But I think if I felt things the way everyone else does, I wouldn’t feel the way I feel about you
Loving you has been a change in the way my brain is wired
It’s like it’s been raining in my head for 18 years and everytime I step outside it’s still raining
And it’s cloudy
And it never stops
But then one day I stepped outside and there was a small square of sunlight on the ground
And the longer I stood outside, the bigger it got
And then it’s like the clouds can’t hold the sunlight back anymore because it’s there and it’s never going away
So I think you’ve made me feel something that opened my brain up to how it feels to really feel emotion
And you’ve done that for a long time
It’s just that before, you came as lightning instead of sunlight
But it’s wonderful
Because no one else makes my sky quite as bright as you do

I don’t sleep at night
Not while I know there’s someone else in your dreams

It stopped one day.
All the questions I still had.
All the anger.
All the sadness.
That was when I knew I could move on.
From you.
From the past.
From everything.
It only took one year,
three months,
and too many boys.
But I was done.
I was free.

no more thoughts and no more feelings
melting from behind my frontal bone
down my spine
filling into my liver
working through the night
detoxifying my blood
begging me to stop
burning down my taste buds
until the saliva is no longer produced
nothing to stop me
my insides screaming

Opening the door gently
Sliding my body onto the cold leather seats
I don’t know where I’m going,
but my hands do
My foot rhythmically switches from the brake to the gas
Something it’s done a million times
but it seems to be a little out of practice
There’s snow falling
As if to cover up my tracks
It knows I shouldn’t be here
In what seems like an instant,
my headlights illuminate your street sign
and suddenly I’m conscious again
I don’t remember driving to your house,
but I’m not surprised that’s where I ended up

perhaps only willful blindness
can wake your trust

remember to celebrate breath
dance
live
heal

cold blaze
more eternity

open eyes speak your secrets

decide would their soul
fill yours

life is sacred
seep in the sky & grass
listen to yourself
linger in time

This year,
my pages will bleed ink
but for those who deserve it
One day I will be the poem
And not the poet

When I wake up I’m disappointed,
In the fact that I’m still breathing

There are some days I like to wake up and pretend it’s my second chance at life
Like I died but God decided he’d give me one more shot
There are some days I wake up and realize how grateful I am to live the way I do

I wish I knew what it was about Sundays,
That make you refuse to get out of bed.
Hungover or not,
You always find yourself withering under the sheets.
Shielding yourself from the sun,
The light passing through the blinds as a reminder of the world moving forward.
With or without you.
I don’t know what it is about Sundays,
That make you want to text your ex boyfriend.
Bury yourself in your old memories and wish you were in a different part of life.
A past life.
Something about Sundays give you inspiration to turn yourself around.
Start anew and begin the week as a better version of yourself.
Something about Sundays give you an overwhelming feeling of loneliness.
Spend your day reflecting on where you are in life.
Whether or not you’re satisfied.
I wish I knew what it was about Sundays,
That determines if a calendar starts or ends a week with Sunday.

Thank you for being you.
For loving me.
For making me smile.
For making me happy.
For helping me get through my day.
For letting me know I wasn’t alone.

My heartbreak taught me more than any book or person could ever explain.
It taught me to cry into a pillow to mute my sobs.
It taught me that ice cream does not heal pain as you see in the movies.
It taught me how to fake a smile.
It taught me that no matter how close someone is to you, they can always leave.

I’m not sure I could tell you where my birthmark is
But I could trace ridges on your palms
I could list your tattoos
I could tell you which cheek has dimples
and the way your laugh sounds
They say no one knows you better than yourself,
but I have no idea who I am without you

My heartbreak taught me more than any book or person could ever explain.
It taught me how I should be treated.
It taught me my self-worth.
It taught me what real love is.
It taught me to rely on myself for happiness.
I was never going to be the same.
Never.
But that was ok.
I was going to be better.
I had learned.
I was new.

My keyboard displays your name whenever I type the first letter
Your city is still in my weather app
My car named your house “home”
My pillow case reeks of your cologne
Our pictures line the walls of my childhood bedroom
Your coffee order still sits favorited in the app
Sometimes when I do the laundry,
and one of my socks goes missing,
yours will show up instead
I have jewelry tucked away,
that occasionally finds its way up to the front
Half of my wardrobe was yours

Maybe if someone warned me,
that I would be haunted by you for the rest of my life,
I would’ve been more careful

I hated myself after you.
I thought I was the problem.
My face.
My body.
My personality.
I thought if maybe I changed everything about me you would come back.
I was wrong.
But I still changed.
Only it was for me this time.
I was happy again.
I liked the way I looked.
I liked my laugh.
My face.
My body.
I will never go back.

I never committed to anyone after you.
I don’t know if it was the fear of being left again.
Or that I knew I would never love anyone as much as I loved you.
There were many people though.
That I kissed.
Touched.
But never like you.

It’s been almost a year since we broke up
331 days since you told me you couldn’t love me anymore
47 weeks
7,944 hours
476,640 minutes
28,598,400 seconds
But 59 days since we last texted
47 days since I finally took off your bracelet
7 days since I last updated your playlist
An uncountable amount of days ended in tears
So so many sleepless nights
An unthinkable amount of self degrading thoughts

But now I’m across the world
A place you’d never be with me
I woke up today and you weren’t the first thing on my mind
Songs remind me of other people now
I have someone else to tell all my thoughts to

You’ll never be entirely gone
And I wouldn’t want you to be
But I can finally live without hoping you’re watching

What went through your mind when my name was mentioned?
Did you get butterflies in your stomach when my name showed up on your phone?
Did you look for me in a room full of people?
Did your heart slow down to beat with mine when we were close?
Did you even think about these things?

At least when I die, they can't say I never lived

I felt summer grass with my bare feet
I lost my voice in the arms of my friends at concerts
I wore all my white shoes until they were ***** beyond repair
I walked alone through the streets of a Spanish city
I sobbed under the sound of my showerhead
I skipped homework to bake cookies
I fell asleep on a front lawn
I kissed people I loved
I broke bones climbing heights that were blocked off for a reason
I swam in all my clean clothes
I watched the stars from a hammock
I hung upside down from an apple tree
I bled in my kitchen sink
I got lost driving in the mountains
I made ice cream in chemistry class
I burnt my hand while curling my hair
I overused the words "love you"

I spent my money on experiences
At least when I die, they can't say I never lived

I guess moving to another continent can't stop the strain my heart feels
The walls pulling on each other
trying to lessen the distance from yours

me quedo despierto por la noche
y tu estas fuera
y rezo para que tal vez necesites un aventon
aprovecharía cualquier oportunidad para verte

I see the way he looks at her
His eyes soften,
as if he’s outlining her face in his mind
Trying to memorize every detail so he doesn’t miss a thing when he blinks
His jaw relaxes
Hoping,
praying,
that maybe their lips will touch
His fingers brush her back
Letting the calluses press into every crease in her skin
He tucks her hair behind her ear
Exposing her cheeks when she blushes
I see the way he looks at her
He’s never thought anyone could be that beautiful
She’s all he’s wanted,
and he spends their time together,
Yearning for one more second longer

There’s some people who don’t deserve poems
They deserve books
Chapters and chapters about the light they bring into the world
Words crafted almost as careful as Greek sculptures
Attempting to fit every emotion onto a paper
As if someone who is mute finds their voice,
and the first thing they say is about you
Some people deserve songs
Beautiful piano riffs that fill you with almost as much emotion as they do
The ones that give you goose bumps
The songs you see in concerts that make you realize how beautiful it is to be alive
The ones that send the bass from the floor, into the soles of your feet, and up your legs until you feel the pressure in your chest
There’s some people who don’t deserve the horrors they’ve seen
But those are the people who will love you the most
Even if you don’t love them back

they could take me to rehab with how much I'd be alright relapsing to you

It’s the moments that are filled the most,
with people
with laughs
with noise
with warmth
That I find my mind,
wandering to you

Sometimes,
when it’s quiet outside,
you can hear your own heartbeat
A reminder that you’re living,
and vulnerable

When my mother and I argue,
I can see the split second,
where her eyes flicker,
and she hesitates
Looking at me with a familiar face
My father and I have the same eyes

There’s a place for people like you
But it’s not here on earth
I hope one day when you make the fall,
you feel the pressure build in your ears,
as you plummet

There’s a place for people like you
But it’s not here on earth
I hope one day when you make the assent,
you feel the pressure build in your ears,
the whole way up

I broke my arm when I was 16
It aches when it’s under your neck
And I’m holding you close,
In our bed because it’s warm under our mountain of blankets
But I’ll never move it
Because it aches more under the weight of empty air

Hey
Not delivered!
I miss you
Not delivered!

How are you doing?
Not delivered!



Happy birthday! I miss you
Not delivered!

Hey, it’s me again
Not delivered!


I miss you
Delivered

I didn’t know people
really had “sides of the bed”
I used to sleep close to the window
The enjoyed the sunlight on my face in the morning
Now I sleep on the left
The right side remains unwrinkled
Afraid to be touched
For what if you come back
It’s not my side
It’s yours

When I drive home,
I think of our cars in the garage,
adjacent from each other
our toothbrushes,
placed next to each other by the sink

Suddenly everything comes in pairs
Kindness and anger
Light and dark
Salt and sugar
Me and you

The other day,
I walked down the mainstreet of downtown
Past a coffee shop
There was a boy in the window,
holding a coffee
He looked familiar,
but I don’t have the slightest clue who he was

The strangest thing though,
I could tell you what he did when he woke up this morning
The names of his dogs
His favorite song
The reason he quit playing basketball
How he does his hair

I knew what kind of coffee was in that stranger’s cup