they could take me to rehab with how much I'd be alright relapsing to you

every friday night I have to delete your username from my recent searches

I'm not sending a text because I'm drunk
I'm drunk because I want an excuse to send a text

I guess moving to another continent can't stop the strain my heart feels
The walls pulling on each other
trying to lessen the distance from yours

no more thoughts and no more feelings
melting from behind my frontal bone
down my spine
filling into my liver
working through the night
detoxifying my blood
begging me to stop
burning down my taste buds
until the saliva is no longer produced
nothing to stop me
my insides screaming

There’s something beautiful about sleeping with someone
But really sleeping with someone
Fingers intertwined and hands clasped together
Body heat exchanging on your bare skin
Laying still in angst of waking the other
Feeling their gentle breath on your neck
In a room so silent,
You can hear your heart beat slowing down to match the rhythm of theirs
There’s something to note about sleeping aside another person.
For there’s nothing quite as romantic

I broke my arm when I was 16
It aches when it’s under your neck
And I’m holding you close,
In our bed because it’s warm under our mountain of blankets
But I’ll never move it
Because it aches more under the weight of empty air

Hey
Not delivered!
I miss you
Not delivered!

How are you doing?
Not delivered!



Happy birthday! I miss you
Not delivered!

Hey, it’s me again
Not delivered!


I miss you
Delivered

I wish I knew what it was about Sundays,
That make you refuse to get out of bed.
Hungover or not,
You always find yourself withering under the sheets.
Shielding yourself from the sun,
The light passing through the blinds as a reminder of the world moving forward.
With or without you.
I don’t know what it is about Sundays,
That make you want to text your ex boyfriend.
Bury yourself in your old memories and wish you were in a different part of life.
A past life.
Something about Sundays give you inspiration to turn yourself around.
Start anew and begin the week as a better version of yourself.
Something about Sundays give you an overwhelming feeling of loneliness.
Spend your day reflecting on where you are in life.
Whether or not you’re satisfied.
I wish I knew what it was about Sundays,
That determines if a calendar starts or ends a week with Sunday.

My mother taught me about love languages at a young age
She said that’s what makes or breaks a relationship
She said that’s why her and my father aren’t together anymore

I know a boy
He was one of those kids who you can tell wasn’t loved as much as he should have been
Those types of people have a pull on me
Maybe it’s just a silent connection between children of divorce

Usually you can tell how people want to be loved
They like to give you hugs when they see you
Or they bring you a gift after every vacation
But this boy wasn’t like that
He put my brain to work
Trying to understand him
He told me his love language was acts of service

Eventually I found myself trying to let him know he’s loved
Silently of course
Taking stickers off his laptop when he said he wanted more space
Offering to pick up coffee when he was studying
Sending him summaries of the readings we got for homework

The things I’d do to make him feel loved are insurmountable
I’d do anything to pick up the pieces I didn’t break
I wish there were an easier way to say that

It’s been almost a year since we broke up
331 days since you told me you couldn’t love me anymore
47 weeks
7,944 hours
476,640 minutes
28,598,400 seconds
But 59 days since we last texted
47 days since I finally took off your bracelet
7 days since I last updated your playlist
An uncountable amount of days ended in tears
So so many sleepless nights
An unthinkable amount of self degrading thoughts

But now I’m across the world
A place you’d never be with me
I woke up today and you weren’t the first thing on my mind
Songs remind me of other people now
I have someone else to tell all my thoughts to

You’ll never be entirely gone
And I wouldn’t want you to be
But I can finally live without hoping you’re watching

He’s the kind of guy you meet once
And tell your kids about
He’s cowboy boots covered in red clay dust
And he’s an extra dry martini on a rooftop bar
He’s the kind of guy you make wishes for on eyelashes
And dandelions
He’s the moment an Aspen tree’s leaves turn yellow
And the feeling you get when you see fireworks
He’s getting into a hot tub while it’s snowing
And the smell of a vanilla candle
He’s the kind of guy you think about when watching rom coms
He’s a molasses cookie
And antique red leather
He’s the kind of guy whose laugh you never forget
And he’s seeing the ocean for the first time
He’s the kind of guy you stay up until sunrise talking to
And imagine while reading books
He’s so beautiful
And I wonder when he’ll think so too

I think in some ways I’ve never been meant to feel things the way other people do
It’s always been a burden
Made my life harder
I hurt too many people
But I think if I felt things the way everyone else does, I wouldn’t feel the way I feel about you
Loving you has been a change in the way my brain is wired
It’s like it’s been raining in my head for 18 years and everytime I step outside it’s still raining
And it’s cloudy
And it never stops
But then one day I stepped outside and there was a small square of sunlight on the ground
And the longer I stood outside, the bigger it got
And then it’s like the clouds can’t hold the sunlight back anymore because it’s there and it’s never going away
So I think you’ve made me feel something that opened my brain up to how it feels to really feel emotion
And you’ve done that for a long time
It’s just that before, you came as lightning instead of sunlight
But it’s wonderful
Because no one else makes my sky quite as bright as you do

I don’t want to cry again.
I probably will while I write this.
it’s not easy.
life
no one said it would be
I just never thought it would be this hard
they say everyone goes through something hard
but does everyone go through something hard everyday
never wanting to leave your room
dreading seeing your family
because you know what will happen
your brother will get yelled at for doing something wrong
you want to help but you don’t know how to
the same thing happened to you for 7 years
every night
something new you ******* up
so you learned
how to listen
and not respond
because all you wanted was for the yelling to stop
and eventually it did
but you never forgot the tears
the same tears now running down your brothers face
but don’t worry
when they’re done with him they’ll move to you
telling you how you’re fat and need to stop eating
so much that you no longer like the thing you see in the mirror
telling you that you need to smile more
that you need to stop being angry
you aren’t
but they don’t know that
and you aren’t going to tell them
they’ll just yell more
when you do leave your room
you make a run for the door
leaving the house for days at a time
just to try and escape your life
the only happiness you have is being with friends
but at some point that doesn’t make you happy anymore
because your problems will always be in the back of your mind
you parents fighting
day in and day out
they take your anger out on you
but you don’t say anything
you never do
not anymore
so you cry
and then one day he leaves
your dad just walks out and leaves you
try’s to get you to come with him
as if he didn’t just ruin your life
you say no
but that’s not an option
you’re forced to put your life together in a suit case
always moving
when you argue you get sent away
to a therapist
to fix you
but they can’t change how you feel
so you lie
tell them you are happy
and eventually they let you go
but you stop seeing your dad
ignoring his texts
but your mom isn’t any better
still pestering you about every little detail
constantly thinking your angry
telling you to watch your weight
forcing you to hear her problems
people tell you to take it easy on her
she just got divorced
did it not happen to me too?
I can’t give her sympathy when she doesn’t give it to me

At least when I die, they can't say I never lived

I felt summer grass with my bare feet
I lost my voice in the arms of my friends at concerts
I wore all my white shoes until they were ***** beyond repair
I walked alone through the streets of a Spanish city
I sobbed under the sound of my showerhead
I skipped homework to bake cookies
I fell asleep on a front lawn
I kissed people I loved
I broke bones climbing heights that were blocked off for a reason
I swam in all my clean clothes
I watched the stars from a hammock
I hung upside down from an apple tree
I bled in my kitchen sink
I got lost driving in the mountains
I made ice cream in chemistry class
I burnt my hand while curling my hair
I overused the words "love you"

I spent my money on experiences
At least when I die, they can't say I never lived

In some ways, young love is the purest.
There is nothing you can use it for.
You fall in love on accident
make memories
learn from the heartbreak.

My heartbreak taught me more than any book or person could ever explain.
It taught me how I should be treated.
It taught me my self-worth.
It taught me what real love is.
It taught me to rely on myself for happiness.
I was never going to be the same.
Never.
But that was ok.
I was going to be better.
I had learned.
I was new.

My heartbreak taught me more than any book or person could ever explain.
It taught me to cry into a pillow to mute my sobs.
It taught me that ice cream does not heal pain as you see in the movies.
It taught me how to fake a smile.
It taught me that no matter how close someone is to you, they can always leave.

I hated myself after you.
I thought I was the problem.
My face.
My body.
My personality.
I thought if maybe I changed everything about me you would come back.
I was wrong.
But I still changed.
Only it was for me this time.
I was happy again.
I liked the way I looked.
I liked my laugh.
My face.
My body.
I will never go back.

It stopped one day.
All the questions I still had.
All the anger.
All the sadness.
That was when I knew I could move on.
From you.
From the past.
From everything.
It only took one year,
three months,
and too many boys.
But I was done.
I was free.

I never committed to anyone after you.
I don’t know if it was the fear of being left again.
Or that I knew I would never love anyone as much as I loved you.
There were many people though.
That I kissed.
Touched.
But never like you.

I wanted to see you again.
I wanted to talk more.
But we don’t always get what we want.
I won’t get a hug.
I won’t see you.
I won’t talk to you.
I couldn’t fall back into the trap that was your eyes.

What I really needed was a hug.
From someone who didn’t know what I was going through.
From someone who wanted to give me a hug just to do it.

What went through your mind when my name was mentioned?
Did you get butterflies in your stomach when my name showed up on your phone?
Did you look for me in a room full of people?
Did your heart slow down to beat with mine when we were close?
Did you even think about these things?

Thank you for being you.
For loving me.
For making me smile.
For making me happy.
For helping me get through my day.
For letting me know I wasn’t alone.

Yo soy yo y mi circunstancia

Running out of opportunities  

Running out of time  

Correr y correr y correr

Maybe one day my feet won’t slip

Tomaré la cornisa y me aguantaré



Life is what we do and what happens to us

Yo soy yo y mi circunstancia

Si no la salvo a ella no me salvo yo