I think in some ways I’ve never been meant to feel things the way other people do
It’s always been a burden
Made my life harder
I hurt too many people
But I think if I felt things the way everyone else does, I wouldn’t feel the way I feel about you
Loving you has been a change in the way my brain is wired
It’s like it’s been raining in my head for 18 years and everytime I step outside it’s still raining
And it’s cloudy
And it never stops
But then one day I stepped outside and there was a small square of sunlight on the ground
And the longer I stood outside, the bigger it got
And then it’s like the clouds can’t hold the sunlight back anymore because it’s there and it’s never going away
So I think you’ve made me feel something that opened my brain up to how it feels to really feel emotion
And you’ve done that for a long time
It’s just that before, you came as lightning instead of sunlight
But it’s wonderful
Because no one else makes my sky quite as bright as you do

I don’t want to cry again.
I probably will while I write this.
it’s not easy.
life
no one said it would be
I just never thought it would be this hard
they say everyone goes through something hard
but does everyone go through something hard everyday
never wanting to leave your room
dreading seeing your family
because you know what will happen
your brother will get yelled at for doing something wrong
you want to help but you don’t know how to
the same thing happened to you for 7 years
every night
something new you ******* up
so you learned
how to listen
and not respond
because all you wanted was for the yelling to stop
and eventually it did
but you never forgot the tears
the same tears now running down your brothers face
but don’t worry
when they’re done with him they’ll move to you
telling you how you’re fat and need to stop eating
so much that you no longer like the thing you see in the mirror
telling you that you need to smile more
that you need to stop being angry
you aren’t
but they don’t know that
and you aren’t going to tell them
they’ll just yell more
when you do leave your room
you make a run for the door
leaving the house for days at a time
just to try and escape your life
the only happiness you have is being with friends
but at some point that doesn’t make you happy anymore
because your problems will always be in the back of your mind
you parents fighting
day in and day out
they take your anger out on you
but you don’t say anything
you never do
not anymore
so you cry
and then one day he leaves
your dad just walks out and leaves you
try’s to get you to come with him
as if he didn’t just ruin your life
you say no
but that’s not an option
you’re forced to put your life together in a suit case
always moving
when you argue you get sent away
to a therapist
to fix you
but they can’t change how you feel
so you lie
tell them you are happy
and eventually they let you go
but you stop seeing your dad
ignoring his texts
but your mom isn’t any better
still pestering you about every little detail
constantly thinking your angry
telling you to watch your weight
forcing you to hear her problems
people tell you to take it easy on her
she just got divorced
did it not happen to me too?
I can’t give her sympathy when she doesn’t give it to me

At least when I die, they can't say I never lived

I felt summer grass with my bare feet
I lost my voice in the arms of my friends at concerts
I wore all my white shoes until they were ***** beyond repair
I walked alone through the streets of a Spanish city
I sobbed under the sound of my showerhead
I skipped homework to bake cookies
I fell asleep on a front lawn
I kissed people I loved
I broke bones climbing heights that were blocked off for a reason
I swam in all my clean clothes
I watched the stars from a hammock
I hung upside down from an apple tree
I bled in my kitchen sink
I got lost driving in the mountains
I made ice cream in chemistry class
I burnt my hand while curling my hair
I overused the words "love you"

I spent my money on experiences
At least when I die, they can't say I never lived

In some ways, young love is the purest.
There is nothing you can use it for.
You fall in love on accident
make memories
learn from the heartbreak.

My heartbreak taught me more than any book or person could ever explain.
It taught me how I should be treated.
It taught me my self-worth.
It taught me what real love is.
It taught me to rely on myself for happiness.
I was never going to be the same.
Never.
But that was ok.
I was going to be better.
I had learned.
I was new.

My heartbreak taught me more than any book or person could ever explain.
It taught me to cry into a pillow to mute my sobs.
It taught me that ice cream does not heal pain as you see in the movies.
It taught me how to fake a smile.
It taught me that no matter how close someone is to you, they can always leave.

I hated myself after you.
I thought I was the problem.
My face.
My body.
My personality.
I thought if maybe I changed everything about me you would come back.
I was wrong.
But I still changed.
Only it was for me this time.
I was happy again.
I liked the way I looked.
I liked my laugh.
My face.
My body.
I will never go back.